ADHD Stereotypes

Eight years ago, two pink lines signaled my greatest honor, and challenge. My daughter arrived at twenty-six weeks gestation. She fit completely in my hand: a tiny piece of my soul. A miracle for my wife and me, she fought to survive. Our first, a boy born at the same twenty-six week mark, drew breath for exactly twenty-four hours. A lifetime for him, not long enough for us. Her birth provided us with a new hope and opportunity.

Maris Irene gripped onto her life as hard as her miniscule hand gripped the tip of my pinky. The nurses at the NICU kept precise measurements. They celebrated with us the smallest of gains: an ounce of food eaten, a pound of weight gained, each hour spent out of the incubator. Every day for three months, we travelled
twenty minutes to the hospital to spend as much time as we could with her. Relishing each moment as we knew it may possibly be the last. Then we took her home.

Maris Irene. Her name translates as calm waters. Her first name was chosen by my wife. She allowed me her middle name. It was my hope it would help to guide her life and outlook as she grew up - in complete contrast to my childhood and existence. I am one of the many who deal with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD. Growing up for me was anything but calm.

Though our marriage has fallen apart, we still parent Maris together. She goes to school in another state, an hour or more away from me. Therefore, the weekend becomes our time together. It is a long ride there, so my dog comes along to keep me company. On the ride back, we have a tradition to stop at the highway oasis and order Panda Express. The three of us eat in the car. We pass the time by playing games such as I-spy and twenty questions. Sometimes we challenge each other to make up stories using prompts. The stories her seven-year-old mind generates never cease to fill me with pride and awe. Her creativity far surpasses mine and, having fewer preconceptions, borders, and prejudices allow her to find connections and ideas which I would never fathom.

She reminds me of myself: creative, intelligent, curious, funny, energetic, and logical. In other ways, she is her mom’s daughter: compassionate,beautiful, polite, well-behaved (most of the time), understanding, and passionate. We both look forward to these car rides. We laugh, challenge, and encourage each other. It has become our special time.

In recent days, the resemblance between Maris and myself has taken a worrisome turn. She exhibits moodiness, makes snap judgements, interrupts without reason, blurts things out without thinking, hyper-focuses, and has some OCD tendencies.

Though the ADHD population is majority male, the number of diagnosed females has been rising.
Probably due to the gender borders being blurred, therefore minimizing gender-based behavior expectations and prejudices. The science around ADHD has been spotty at best. There is no evidence the affliction has genetic roots, yet the general consensus amongst the mental health profession maintains a child with ADHD will likely have one parent with it.

I struggled broaching the subject with Maris’ mother: my ADHD was one of the major contributing factors to our marriage going wrong. Took me a while to build up the courage, but I knew we had to speak about the possibility Maris has ADHD.

As we discuss my observations, without bringing up the dreaded acronym, my wife (we are not yet divorced) started sharing her observations and confirming mine. She began to share those of our daughter’s teacher, from the daily reports, and a recent conversation. The teacher feels we should have her evaluated privately, outside the school system, so we may advocate for appropriate services. The current program the school system offers will not meet our daughter’s needs as her grades are excellent (another thing she and I share). Relieved my conclusions were being affirmed, I encouraged my wife to seek those evaluations out, but I reminded her on my stance of being anti-medication for
ADHD.

That opened another battlefield between my wife and I, one of which still is being fought. Medication for ADHD has pros and cons. Again the science is unclear and unsure. There is a constant number of studies published supporting medication as well as being against it. Frequently, there are studies published which claim a particular ADHD medication having huge negative risk factors after years of use. Medicines such as Ritalin and phenobarbital have fallen into disfavor. And for good reasons. But my major issue with medication comes from it deadening our minds to the point the traits which make us unique and special no longer are there. Our creativity, our imagination, our sharpness, our ability to see things quickly, and our ability to see patterns disappears from us. This is why I am against medicines.

One thing we did agree upon though, I would take the lead on teaching Maris coping skills, methods, and strategies. Who better than me to do this? With over fifty years experience dealing, coping, and living with ADHD, I have learned many ways to minimize its affect on my life to varied levels of success. I welcomed the opportunity to help my daughter so she may actually use the blessings the disorder gives us while minimizing/avoiding the social disadvantages it spawns.

I am learning about ADHD and myself again. I have to understand how I think and what I do to cope, so I may pass it on to Maris. So she knows she is not alone. So she understands we understand and are here for her. So she can become the productive, successful adult we wish her to be. So she can embrace everything that is part of her and make it work to her advantage. So she has the tools to continue fighting.

This is my job. This is my challenge. I welcome it.