act 5 scene 1 rewrite Hamlet

Act 5: Scene 1

GRAVEDIGGER-She killed herself, are they really going to give her a Christian funeral? OTHER- Yes, so finish up that grave. The coroner examined her case and decided it should be a Christian funeral.

GRAVEDIGGER- But how? Unless she drowned herself in defense

OTHER- They think she did.

GRAVEDIGGER-Psst yeah sounds like self-offense to me.. I think that if she knew she was drowning herself that’s an act. Acts have three sides to it: to do, to act, and to preform

OTHER-No, please listen-

GRAVEDIGGER-Let me finish, here is the water and here is the man, if the man goes into the water and drowns himself he did it on purpose. If the man goes into the water, and the water drowns him, it’s not his fault

OTHER- Is that how they see it?

GRAVEDIGGER-It sure is. The Coroner’s Inquest Law

OTHER- In all honesty, if this woman hadn’t been rich, she wouldn’t have been given a Christian funeral.

GRAVEDIGGER-it sucks that the rich have more freedom to hang or drown themselves than the rest of the Christians.
Come on, shovel! Ditch diggers and grave diggers are the most ancient aristocrats in the world

OTHER-
 Was he a gentleman?

GRAVEDIGGER-He was the first person who ever had arms

OTHER-
 He didn’t have any.

GRAVEDIGGER-What? Aren’t you a Christian? In the bible Adam dug the ground.. If that’s true how can he do that with no arms? I’ll ask you another question. If you can even answer that

OTHER-
 Go ahead!

GRAVEDIGGER-What do you call someone who can build stronger things than a stone mason, a shipbuilder, or a carpenter?

OTHER-
 A gallow-maker since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants

GRAVEDIGGER-I like that you’re funny. Gallows do a good job for everyone that does bad

OTHER-
 hmmm, “who builds stronger things than a stonemason, a shipbuilder, or a carpenter?”

GRAVEDIGGER-Answer the question


OTHER-
 I’ve got it!

GRAVEDIGGER-Go ahead

OTHER-
 Ugh darn, I forgot

Hamlet and Horatio enter in the distance

GRAVEDIGGER-Don’t hurt yourself.. Next time someone asks you that say “a grave digger”. Go get me a drink

Second Clown exists

GRAVEDIGGER SINGS – in youth I loved, I loved and though it was sweet to set-ohh-the date for-ahh-my duty oh, I thought it ahh was not right.


HAMLET-
 Does this guy not realize that he’s singing while digging a grave?

HORATIO-
 He’s gotten so used to graves that they don’t really phase him anymore.

HAMLET-
 That’s true. I guess we’re just not used to stuff like this.

GRAVEDIGGER (sings) -Old age has sneaked up and grabbed me by his claws and has shipped me into the ground as if id never seen like that (throws skull)


HAMLET- That skull used to belong to a living person that could sing and talk. Now that guy’s just kicking it around the cemetery like it’s worthless. That could be the skull of an important politician but the idiot doesn’t even care.


HORATIO-
 Yes sir.

HAMLET- Or it could be the skull of some judge, or doctor perhaps could it not?

HORATIO-
 Yes sir.

HAMLET-
 Now he’s just part of the Earth, laying here forgotten, the jaw hacked off with a shovel. It’s funny to think of where you’ll end up when you die isn’t it? These bones are now worthless. It just makes me shiver thinking about it.

GRAVEDIGGER (sings again)- A pixel and a shovel and a sheet for a funeral. Oh a pt of dirt is what we reed for a guest like this one

HAMLET-
 Hey there’s another. Maybe the skull of a lawyer? Where are his fancy tricks now? Why does he not sue that idiot for hitting him on the head with that dirty shovel? Hm? Maybe the guy once own a mansion and acres of land, with contracts and deeds and annuities. Is the contract of his contract, the annuity of his annuities to get his head filled with dirt? His property deeds would barely fit in his coffin, and now that box is the only property he owns for all of eternity?

HORATIO-
No more than that sir.

HAMLET- Isn’t the parchment of a legal document made from sheepskin?

HORATIO- Yes sir, and calfskin too.

HAMLET-
 I’m going to talk to this guy- Hey there! Who’s grave is this?

GRAVEDIGGER -Its mine

HAMLET- I guess it is yours, since you’re lying in it.

GRAVEDIGGER-You’re lying because it isn’t yours, I’m telling the truth because its mine

HAMLET-
Well you are laying in it and saying it’s yours. But graves are for dead people- not living. So you are lying?

GRAVEDIGGER- What a lie. It jumps fast from me to you

HAMLET- So what kind of guy are you digging it for?

GRAVEDIGGER- No guy

HAMLET- Then what girl?

GRAVEDIGGER- No girl either 


HAMLET- Who’s being buried in it then?

GRAVEDIGGER- Well she used to be a woman, but unfortunately she’s dead

HAMLET-
 Wow this guy’s literal. We’d better be specific or he’ll trick us. The laborers these days are so smart with their words we’d better be careful. How long have you been a gravedigger?

GRAVEDIGGER - Well every day in the year. I started when the king Hamlet was defeated

HAMLET- How long ago was that?

GRAVEDIGGER- How don’t you know? Anyone could tell you. He’s the one who went crazy then got sent to England

HAMLET-
 Why England?

GRAVEDIGGER- He was crazy! He was going to recover his sanity. Even if he doesn’t, it won’t matter in England

HAMLET- Why?

GRAVEDIGGER- Because no one will notice, everyone there is crazy


HAMLET- How did he go crazy?

GRAVEDIGGER- In a weird way they say

HAMLET-
 What do you mean weird?

GRAVEDIGGER- By losing his mind

HAMLET-
 Where?

GRAVEDIGGER- In Denmark, I’ve been the church warren for 30 years now

HAMLET- How long does a man lie in his grave before he starts to rot?

GRAVEDIGGER- If he is rotten before he dies hell last like 8-9 years. People who are rotten before they die fall to pieces even before they die, and even before you put them into a coffin. A leather maker will last nine years

HAMLET- Why would he last longer?

GRAVEDIGGER- He’s so leathery from his trade that he keeps the water off him a long time. Water is what makes your body rot. Here is a skull that’s been here for 23 years.

HAMLET- Whose was it?

GRAVEDIGGER- Some crazy person. Who do you think?

HAMLET- I couldn’t tell you.

GRAVEDIGGER- He’s a crazy man! He poured a pitcher of white wine on my head once. This skull is Yorick, the king’s Jester

HAMLET- Let’s see. (Takes skull). Oh, it is poor Yorrick! I knew him Horatio- a funny guy- great imagination. He carried me on his back a thousand times and now look at him! It makes me sick. Where are your jokes now? Your songs? Your tricks? Your sense of humour that could make an entire table of men burst into laughter? Now you make no one smile. Does that make you sad? You should go to my girlfriend’s room and tell her no matter how much makeup she puts on she’s going to turn out like you some day. That’ll make her laugh. I have one more question for you Horatio.

HORATIO-What sir?

HAMLET-
 Do you think Alexander the Great looked this bad in his grave?

HORATIO- Yes, exactly like that.

HAMLET- And smelt this.. bad?

HORATIO-
Just as bad sir.

HAMLET-
 We all must face a downfall much like this Horatio! Isn’t it weird to think even Alexander the Great ends up in a hole in the ground?

HORATIO-
No sir, you’re thinking way too much about it.

HAMLET- I don’t think so. Picture this: Alexander dies, he’s buried, he turns to dust, the dust becomes dirt, the dirt turns to mud, which is used to fill holes. The great Emperor Caesar died and became dirt as well! Strange to think a man that once ruled the world is now filling a hole in some wall! Shh! Everyone quiet! Here comes the King, Queen and noblemen of the court!

Enter the Corpse of Ophelia, a Priest, King, Queen, Laertes, Courtiers.

HAMLET: Who are they following? And what a small and plain ceremony. I guess he must’ve committed suicide if they put so little effort into this. Looks like he’s from a rich family. Shh! Let’s stay and watch this.

Hamlet and Horatio step aside.

LAERTES- What rights are you going to give her?

HAMLET- There’s Laertes, he’s not too bad a guy.


LAERTES- What rights are you going to give her?

PRIEST- I’ve done as many favors as authority allows me to. Her death was suspicious and we’re not sure whether or not it was an act of suicide. If it weren’t for king’s orders, she’d have been buried outside the church graveyard. She deserves rocks and stones thrown at her body but instead, she had prayers read for her ans is dressed up like a pure virgin, with flowers tossed on her grave and the bell tolling for her. 


LAERTES- Isn’t there another right?

PRIEST- No. We would disrespect the other dead souls here if we sang the same requiem for her that we sang for them.

LAERTES - Lay her in the ground

HAMLET-
 Ophelia?

QUEEN- 
 Sweet flowers for a sweet girl. Goodbye! (scatters flowers) I once hoped you’d marry my Hamlet. I was sure I’d be tossing flowers on your wedding bed, my sweet girl, not your grave.

LAERTES- three times.. damn ten times. Don’t burry her until I’ve caught her in my arms one more time

HAMLET- (advancing) Who grieves the most, whose sadness can make the planets stand still in the heavens as if his words have hurt them too! It’s me Hamlet (jumps into grave).

LAERTES- Go to hell

HAMLET- That’s no way to pray for her (fights him). Take your hands off my throat! Even though I’m usually chill I have a dangerous side you should be afraid of! Take your hands off!

KING- pull them apart

QUEEN-
 Hamlet, Hamlet!

ALL-
Gentlemen!

HORATIO (to Hamlet)- Please sir, calm down.

HAMLET- I’ll fight him until I don’t have the strength to blink.

QUEEN- 
 Oh my son, what is all this about?

HAMLET- I loved Ophelia. The love of forty thousand people could not equal mine. What are you going to do for her?

KING- he’s crazy Laertes

QUEEN (to Hamlet)- For the love of God, leave him alone.


HAMLET- Show me what you’re going to do! Cry? Fight? Cut yourself? Drink vinegar? Eat a crocodile? I’d do it all. Are you here to whine? To out-do me by so dramatically jumping into her grave? Be buried alive with her? Well, so will I. Let them bury me so deep there are millions of acres above me. See? I can talk just as crazy as you.

QUEEN- This is pure insanity. He’ll be like this for some time but he’ll eventually get over it.

HAMLET-
Listen sir: why do you treat me like this? I loved you but it doesn’t matter. Even a man like Hercules can’t keep cats from being cats and dogs being dogs (exit).

KING- Please, Horatio, go with him. Don’t forget what we talked about last night, and try to be patient. We’ll take care of this problem. Gertrude, have the guards keep an eye on your son. A monument should be built for Ophelia that’s going to last forever, promise. It will be quiet soon. In the meantime, be patient