Allan's Monologue

Allan.
I told Mitch about Allan tonight. My dear Allan. My first love. My teenage love. My -ex-husband. He who came to me for help and I didn’t realize. He whom I…
I don’t even want to say it. I keep telling myself it wasn’t my fault, but it was, wasn’t it?
I was angry. Of course I was. Who wouldn’t be? Not only had he cheated on me, he had also married me knowing he would never love me the way I loved him! I couldn’t stand the humiliation. I had to at least let him know I knew. I had to let him know he wasn’t fooling me anymore.
Was everybody else fooled? Or were I the only one who didn’t notice? Was I too blinded by the love I felt for him that I couldn’t even realize that my own husband was gay? I have been meaning to ask Stella about this, but im just too afraid of the answer. If she knew…why
didn’t she tell me? Why would she let me marry him? I don’t think she did. But then again, he had certain… softness…tenderness… which wasn’t like a man’s. I can see it now that it’s over.
I didn’t want it to be over. The guilt… I still feel it. Over a decade and I still feel it hit me whenever I think about him.
I still remember every word I said. “I know! I know! You disgust me…” I still hear them inside my head. I still remember how he ran out of the casino. I still remember listening to the shot, and running. It wasn’t just me, we all ran. We all gathered on the edge of the lake. “Don’t go any closer! Come back!” they said. They grabbed my arm. But I already knew what had happened.
A revolver.
Where did he get the revolver from? I have wondered since the event. The revolver that had blown his head. I never knew he held possession of a revolver. I never knew my words could hurt so badly. I didn’t think it would matter. I didn’t think my opinion would matter. After all, he didn’t love me the same way I did, right? I never got the chance to ask him. Did he think about me as a friend? A sister? For a while I thought I might just be the person he had covered his true self behind. But if I was temporary, if he didn’t care about me at all, he wouldn’t have done what he did, would he? I think he loved me like he would have loved a best friend. Yeah, that must be it. I must have been his best friend.
Well, I didn’t. I loved him like I haven’t loved anybody else since. I wasn’t disgusted. I said it already, I was angry. Furious. It was all too much. It suffocated me; knowing about it and having him think I was still in the dark. I wasn’t! Dancing, seeing him with him… I just couldn’t let it pass. But, oh, I wasn’t disgusted! Truth is, I still loved him. I still do. Can anybody get over something like this? Their first love? Their dead
husband?
I was just a girl, but I still remember how deep my love for him was. He was everything. He was my everything. I was discovering it, discovering love. I had always been in the shadows and now…now I was in the light! And it was such a blinding light as well. Wow. It was a great feeling. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel such a thing again.
Little did I know that light would end up burning us all. It was a love so strong, it consumed me. And with me, it consumed him too. It ended up dragging him to death. So blind! I was so blind! Why didn’t he tell me? Things could have been so different! He could be alive! We could be over this! If only he had let go of his fear…
No. I can’t blame it on him. It’s my fault. I know it is. If only I hadn’t been so reckless, maybe everything would be fine now. Maybe he would still have his best friend and I would still have the greatest love of my life with me.
But I was. I was reckless. It’s not fine now. He doesn’t have his best friend and I don’t have the greatest love of my life with me. It was stupid, so stupid…
The light. The light took him away from me. He was just a boy. So young, his whole life to live. A whole life next to me! And yet, he is gone. Gone in an instant. That light… I can’t let it take anything else away from me. I can’t let it take anybody else away from me. Things are the way they are but if we only keep them in the dark…
Has he forgiven me? Wherever he is, is there any chance he has found peace within his self? Is there any chance he may give me some peace? Do I even deserve that peace?
I have been asking these questions to myself for so long, and the answer has always been no. Boys here, boys there, treating me like im nothing, and me treating them the same way. That is what I deserve, I used to think.
But now… now there’s Mitch! And he sees I need somebody. He knows he needs somebody too. Could it be? Will I finally have the chance to let go, of Allan and what I did, and try my future with Mitch?
No. I won’t let go of Allan, I never will. But I still hope he has forgiven me.
I’m sorry, dear. I truly am. I’ll never really forgive myself. I never wanted to lose you, and I really loved you. I still do.