Biblical Guidelines for Marital Conflict Prevention and Resolution
MCAL 603: Family Life Issues
Student: Osley Edwards
Facilitator: Dr. Abner Dizon
Date:
Biblical Guidelines for Marital Conflict Prevention and Resolution
Buehler, Krishnakumar, Stone, Anthony, Pemberton, Gerard and Barber (1998) define marital conflict as the existence of high levels of disagreement, stressful and hostile interactions between spouses, disrespect, and verbal abuse, while Cummings (1998) interprets it as “any major or minor interpersonal interaction that involved a difference of opinion, whether it was mostly negative or even mostly positive.” (P.6). from these two variant definitions we can conclude …show more content…
that marital conflict is about differences of opinion between a couple. These differences are approached in different ways but the basic idea is that there is a manifestation of divergent views.
Whichever definition one may choose to follow, we know that they definitely have a bearing on the couple and other members of the family.
Children are among the most severely affected by ongoing marital conflicts. Cummings and Davies (1994) researched some of these effects and found that exposure to repeated instances of destructive marital conflict has been linked with internalizing problems such as depression and low self-esteem, externalizing problems such as delinquency and aggression, and declines in academic performance, social and interpersonal adjustment, and general mental health.
Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable in every close relationship, including marital relationship. While every marriage relationship is as unique as the individuals it contains, some degree of conflict is actually necessary to keep a marriage dynamic rather than static (Ashford, LeCroy and Lortie: 2006).
Rainey (2002) posits an interesting idea that since every marriage has its tensions; it isn’t a question of avoiding them but of how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your spouse must choose how you will act when conflict …show more content…
occurs.
Contemporary Trends
There are many contributing factors to conflicts in marriage. Some of these include cohabitation, divorce and same sex marriage. Taylor (2010) has conducted extensive research on contemporary trends that affect marriage. Taylor outlines the big issues of cohabitation, same sex marriage and divorce to one central issue – financial security. Many in the survey placed very high premium on financial stability as a very important reason to marry. The information is regulated mainly to the United States and covers a variety of demographic in that country but brigs to view the idea that marriage is definitely under attack. The research shows that in 1960 approximately 68% of all “twenty-somethings” were married compared to only 26% of that same group in 2008.
On the issue of gay couples, 41% of respondents say it doesn’t make much difference with gay couples raising children. In 2007, 50% said more gay and lesbian couples raising children was bad for society (vs. 43% now). Recent analysis by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that acceptance of same-sex marriage has grown significantly in the past year, and for the first time in 15 years of polling on the issue, less than half of the public opposes allowing gays and lesbians to marry each other. (10)
The research also unearths interesting facts about cohabiting. “As marriage has declined, cohabitation (or living together as unmarried partners) has become more widespread, nearly doubling since 1990. Approximately 44% of all adults (and more than half of all adults ages 30 to 49) say they have cohabited at some point in their lives. (Pg.9). Among Americans who have ever lived with an unmarried partner, nearly two-thirds (64%) say they thought about it as a step toward marriage. (77).
Divorce is another major contemporary challenge to marriage. The research shows that there was an increase in the rate of divorce beginning in 1960 and a decline in the number of divorces from 1980 onward.
These three issues of contemporary approaches to marriage does not only affect the way we see marriage but they also feed into the lack of marital commitment. Additionally, it is shown that cohabitation; same sex marriage and divorce affect the quality of marriage and the resilience of the marriage relationship when dealing with conflicts.
On the issue of cohabiting, Cohan and Kleinbaum (2002) states that spouses who cohabited before marriage demonstrated more negative and less positive problem solving and support behaviors compared to spouses who did not cohabit. Cohabiting definitely affects the couple’s ability to handle conflicts.
Gaspard (2013) provides statistics which show that there is a 60 to 67% possibility of divorce for second marriages compared to 40 to 50% for first marriages. This information could be interpreted that divorce does not altogether take care of conflicts. In fact, if a couple does not handle conflicts in their first marriage and stay there then it’s more than possible they won’t be able to in their second.
All these issues feed into conflicts in marriage. It is as if they naturally put pressure on the institution of marriage.
Biblical Principles that can overcome Marital Conflicts
Several authors have suggested biblical principles for handling marital conflicts; Pratte (1999) suggests ten principles, namely: (1) Have Faith, (2) Pray for God’s Strength, (3) Respect Bible Authority, (4) Respect the Bible pattern for authority in the home, (5) act in love, (maintain and express commitment to the marriage, (6) express appreciation and praise for what is good. (7) Discuss the problem, (8) be reconciled and (10) seek help if necessary. Bacchiocchi (2000) also examines nine causes of marital conflicts: (1) personality differences, (2) intellectual differences, (3) spiritual differences, (4) vocational tensions, (5) role conflicts, (6) family crises, (7) in-law difficulties, (8) sexual adjustments, and (9) the use of money. He further develops seven principles to overcome marital conflicts. These are: (1) Be Committed to Preserve Your Marriage Covenant, (2) Be Honest and Fair in Handling the Conflict, (3) Keep Your Anger Under Control, (4) Choose an Appropriate Time to Discuss a Problem, (5) Stick to the Issue at Hand, (6) Listen Carefully and Speak Tactfully and (7) Be Willing to Forgive and to Forget.
Rainey (2002) also chimes in with a six steps model where he posits that resolving conflicts requires: (1) knowing, accepting and adjusting to your differences, (2) defeating selfishness (3) pursuing the other person, (4) loving confrontation, (5) forgiveness and (6) returning a blessing for an insult.
After an examination of principles exposited by various persons, it seems that Bacchiocchi (200)’s submissions are more applicable to the present point of discussion. This would be discussed further in the next session.
Biblical Insights
There are various pieces of advice given from a biblical perspective on how to deal with conflicts in marriage. In this section I will share some principles that I have gathered from Bacchiocchi (2000), Pratte (1999) and Rainey (2002).
Firstly, before any other consideration in conflict situations couples must be committed to preserve their marriage covenant. The couple should always avoid putting divorce or even separation on the table as an option whenever there is a conflict. This principle is based on Matthew 19:6, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Many couples use the possibility of dissolution of the relationship as leverage over the other, but this will not help towards a genuine solution to conflicts. When both are fully vested in the continuity of the relationship then there would be no other option than to find solution. “This vow links the destinies of the two individuals with bonds which naught but the hand of death should sever.” (White, 1970:340).
Secondly, it is recommended that the couple act in love. 2 Corinthians 5:14 identifies a specific approach to managing conflicts, “The love of Christ constrains us…” our acts in marriage whether in or out of conflict should be motivated by love. In marital conflicts love becomes the motivating force behind everything that we do. The imagery that is captured by this passage is a banner of love dictating the direction of a band of soldiers. Once they follow the banner they will not stray. It is the same imagery we want to capture in approaching marital conflicts – love must be the banner as it is expressed in Song of Solomon 2:4, “His banner over me is love.” The love chapter of the bible supports the concept being projected here, that love is at the heart of everything a couple does. Love is supposed to be a factor that helps the relationship to overcome any struggle including conflicts.
Another understanding we develop from this concept is posited by Peck (1992) “Love is the will to extend one 's self for the purpose of nurturing one 's own or another 's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” (P. 302).
A third principle for approaching conflict is to know and adjust to your differences. A basic principle of human existence is expressed in Mark 10:6, “But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.” This means that we understand and approach the world and conflict differently. That difference must be respected in marital relationships and conflicts. We see Adam accepting and appreciating the difference of Eve with his exclamation, “She shall be called woman.” (Genesis 2:23). Because of the differences in personality, gender and social orientation, approaches to conflict would be diverse. The couple would have to first understand each other and their approach to conflict and make the best possible adjustment. Rainey (2002) states, “Just as Adam accepted God’s gift of Eve, you are called to accept His gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven’t even learned yet.”
Fourthly, maintain control of anger. This principle receives congruence by all three of these authors Bacchiocchi (2000), Pratte (1999) and Rainey (2002). Ephesians 4:25-27 has important principles for dealing with conflicts on the issue of anger it says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” By keeping anger under control we emulate a character of God in Psalm 145: 8-9, “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.”
The bible further elaborates on this concept in Proverbs 14:17, “He that is quickly angry deals foolishly: and a man of wicked intentions is hated.” There are a number of passages that deal with the issue of anger. But the reason for anger management identified in the context of conflicts is that it can make a bad situation worse. He that is quickly angry deals foolishly: and a man of wicked intentions is hated. (Proverbs 29:22).
Scazzero (2003) weighs in on the issue when he posits that it Is Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature without Being Emotionally Mature. Spiritual maturity is tied to emotional maturity. After receiving the Ten Commandments from God on Mount Sinai, Moses was descending the mount when he discovered the people worshiping a calf. The bible says that “Moses’ anger became hot” (Exodus 32:19) and in reaction to anger he dashed the tablets of stone to pieces. Moses was compromised on account of his anger. It would be beneficial to the relationship and the process of handling conflict if we manage our anger by pre planning our responses.
A fifth principle for conflict management in marriages is to have open and honest discussion. This would include an appropriate time and place, and speaking honestly about the problem. One of the things that fuel conflicts is that some couples speak when they are supposed to be silent and keep silent when we are supposed to speak.
Bacchiocchi (2000) also suggests that in this approach the couple use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. “You” statements begin with the pronoun “You” and conveys the idea that the person is personally responsible for the problem whereas “I” statements “I-Messages," which, through the use of the pronoun "I," attribute responsibility to the speaker. An example of these statements is "I feel bad when you do that" which is different from "You make me feel bad" Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 highlights that there is a time for everything including a time to speak and a time to listen. Rainey (2002) says it should be a loving confrontation. This suggests that the process highlighted by Jesus in Matthew 18 should be observed.
The final principle for dealing with conflicts in marriage is forgiveness. This principle is pivotal to an amicable resolution to conflicts. Many times one can give the impression that the conflict is resolved but forgiveness has not taken place. This could have disastrous implications for future conflicts which many believe are inevitable. In Ephesians 4:32, Paul writes: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Italics Mine). Forgiveness opens the door for a restored relationship.
Forgiveness in marital relationships (not only in conflicts) is built on two biblical principles; forgiving because our own forgiveness depends on it, and secondly, we model the example of Jesus when we forgive. (1Pet 2:21).
There is no prerequisite to forgiveness except to ask (1 John 1:9) and our forgiving others. Refusal to forgive others (and sometimes it is extremely tough to forgive) will cause us not to experience forgiveness. Our relationship with God will be damaged if we refuse to pardon those who have offended us. “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14).
Jesus is the epitome of forgiveness. He endured the unutterable atrocities heaped upon him by the Romans and politicians of his day. He drank the dregs of insult, ridicule and scorn until his dying breath. Yet before he breathed his final breath he exclaimed the most piercing and yet comforting words, “Father, forgive them…” (Luke 23:34). That was the model of forgiveness. Even those who destroyed his life experienced his forgiveness and he did it even before they asked.
Other authors’ Views on the Principles
Mayer (n.d.) surveyed the issue of marital conflicts and came up with five tips for dealing with marital conflicts; make your marriage a safe place, be willing to see things from another perspective, sharpen your listening skills, be willing to be vulnerable, and be willing to admit you are wrong. These tips resemble some of those highlighted in this research.
A snug comparison between what Mayer (n.d.) and this research is the principle of acknowledging differences of each partner. Mayer states, “Someone who wants to solve problems married to someone who wants to ignore problems or someone who is attached to a wife who wants you to engage in something that you find terrifying…conflict.” It is the difference that makes for an interesting relationship and also the cause of conflict on many occasions.
Another point of congruence between the two researches is creating the environment for free expression. This research covers that idea in the principle of being committed to preserve their marriage covenant. While the principle aims at preventing divorce, it pursues this because one of the benefits would be to nurture an environment for expression that would help to resolve the conflict. This is the same idea expressed by Mayer (n. d.). She posits that, “More often than not a spouse withdraws from conflict because they don’t feel safe engaging in conflict.” And many times the unsafe environment is weaned by the idea that one would leave the marriage. This is what should be prevented at all costs when negotiating a conflict.
Even more similar thoughts are found to correspond to the principle of controlling anger in this research by University of Arkensol (2008). Based on their research they posited some “good ways” to work out their differences. One of these was not to approach a discussion on the situation while they are angry. A reason given for controlling anger before discussing a conflict is “When people feel attacked and angry, they do not think as clearly as when they are calm.” Additionally, the research shares the ideas that in conversation it will be better for couples to avoid extreme words such as always and never etc. These words negate any progress made towards resolving the conflict and can be very attacking to the other person thus escalating the conflict.
Ellen white’s Comments on the Principles
Ellen White also shares some similarity with the principles highlighted in this research.
Her perspective on conflicts among couples is seen from the perspective of the great controversy. She posits,
The Enemy Will Seek to Alienate.–Satan is ever ready to take advantage when any matter of variance arises, and by moving upon the objectionable, hereditary traits of character in husband or wife, he will try to cause the alienation of those who have united their interests in a solemn covenant before God.
In the marriage vows they have promised to be as one, the wife covenanting to love and obey her husband, the husband promising to love and cherish his wife. (White, 1972: 106).
This view is shared in this research as celebrating the differences of the couple. This research shows it is important to understand those differences while Mayer (n.d.) suggests that these differences can cause conflict but also bring the greatest joy in marriage.
Mrs. White also commented on the principle of avoiding divorce as an option when dealing with conflict. She states, “This vow links the destinies of the two individuals with bonds which naught but the hand of death should sever.”Testimonies For The Church 4, 507. (White, 1972: 340). She also attributes the issue of divorce to the hardness of the hearts of one or both involved in the conflict. She quotes the statement of Jesus in response to the Pharisees. They asked about the reason for divorce in a culture where they were very flagrant and callous with the issues and Jesus responded by saying it is because of “the hardness of your hearts.” (ibid
340).
HC 309.1 (Española (Spanish))
FC 327.1 (Français (French))
FC 143 (Italiano (Italian))
FC 143.3 (Italiano (Italian))
ХД 340.1 (Pусский (Russian))
LA 340 (Português (Portuguese))
LA 340.1 (Português (Portuguese))
CA 340.1 (Română (Romanian))
She continued to wade into the issue when she concluded that many of the reasons divorce are trivial. She offers that, “Man was becoming so hardhearted that he would for the most trivial excuse separate from his wife, or, if he chose, he would separate her from the children and send her away. This was considered a great disgrace and was often accompanied by the most acute suffering on the part of the discarded one.” (341).
She concluded that in order to save the marriage and find an amicable solution to conflicts couples would do well to change their disposition. “If your dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for you to change these dispositions?” (345).
Summary
This research investigated the issue of marital conflicts with specific emphasis on biblical principles to resolve them. Marital conflicts can refer to differences of opinions among couples which could either escalate into open or covert responses. We know also that contributions to conflicts in marriage could be given by other issues about marriage such as same sex marriage, cohabitation, and divorce. However, these are stringed on one central issue – financial security.
The research surveyed several authors and from their submissions came up with biblical principles for resolving marital conflicts. These are: (1) Be committed to preserve the marriage covenant, (2) the couple should act in love, (3) know and adjust to differences, (4) maintain control of anger, (5) have open honest discussion and (6) forgiveness.
These principles are backed up by Mayer (n.d.), University of Arkensol (2008) and White (1972).
Conclusion
This research dealt with the issue of biblical guidelines for marital conflict prevention and resolution. The research also focused on contributions to, and resolutions to marital conflict from a biblical perspective. The bible, spiritual authors and secular authors support the thrust of the research. Some might not readily agree with the submissions but they are proven through observation, and sound biblical understanding. By following these principles couples could derive tremendous benefits and by this token relieve marriages of many of the undue stresses they are made to experience from time to time.
The scope of this research could be expanded to include more complex contributors to the biblical issues. There could also be scientific investigation into the effectiveness of applying these principles.
References
Ashford, J. B., LeCroy, C.W., & Lortie, K. L. (2006). Human Behavior in the Social Environment: AMultidimensional Perspective (3rd Edition). California: Thomson Brooks.
Bacchiocchi, S. (2000). How to Handle Marital Conflicts. Endtime Issues 49.
Banks, K. L. (2013). 4 Causes of Family Conflict. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/91391-causes-family-conflict/#ixzz2htDyVcTT
Buehler, C., Krishnakumar, A., Stone, G., Anthony, C., Pemberton, S., Gerard, J., and Barber, K.(1998). Interparental conflict styles and youth problem behavior: A two-sample replication study. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 119–132.
Cohan, C.L. and Kleinbaum, S. (2002). Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication. Journal of Marriage and Family 64, 180–192
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Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. NY: Free Press.
Cummings, E. M., and Davies, P. T. (1994). Children and marital conflict: The impact of family dispute and resolution. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Gaspard, T. (2013). How Can Couples Avoid the Pitfalls That Threaten a Second Marriage? Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-can-couples-avoid-the_b_3764920.html
Malek, C. (2013). Family Conflict. Retrieved from http://www.crinfo.org/coreknowledge/family-conflict
Mayer, C. (n.d.). Five Tips for dealing with marital Conflicts. Retrieved from http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/Five-Tips-For-Dealing-With-Marital-Conflict.htm
Peck, M.S. (1992). The Road less Traveled. NY: Arrow Books.
Pratte, D.E. (1999). Solving Marriage Conflict: A Bible Plan to Resolve Family Strife and Alienation. Godly Marriage and Raising Godly Children. E-book retrieved from http://www.gospelway.com/family/marriage_conflict.php
Recchia, H.E., Wainryb, C., Howe, N. (2013). Two Sides to Every Story? Parents’ Attributions of Culpability and Their Interventions Into Sibling Conflict. Merrill - Palmer Quarterly 59 (1).
Petts, R.J. (2011). Parental Religiosity, Religious Homogamy,and Young Children’s Well-Being. Sociology of Religion 72 (4), 389-414.
Rainey, D. (2002). 6 Steps for Resolving Conflict in Marriage. Adopted from Rainey, D. (1989). Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee.
Rodriguez, A. J. (2013). Wives’ and Husbands’ Cortisol Reactivity to Proximal and Distal Dimensions of Couple Conflict Family Process 52 (3).
Scazzero, P. (2003). The Emotionally Healthy Church: A Strategy for Discipleship that actually changes Lives. Michigan: Zondervan Books.
Siegel, J.P. (2013). Breaking the Links in Intergenerational Violence:An Emotional Regulation Perspective. Family Process 52 (2).
University of Arkansas. (2008). Dealing with Conflict in Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/dealing-with-conflict-in-marriage/index.aspx
White, E. G. (1970). Adventist Home, Available from http://egwtext.whiteestate.org/publicationtoc.php?bookCode=AH&lang=en Available in PDF format from www.leavesofautumn.org/en_AH.pdf Read pages 306-364