Cousin Depression Monologue

So I’m like..crying right now?
I don’t exactly know why but at the same time I do but it’s like..hard to explain
Like imagine Depression is a person and then anxiety is the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party..
And I am the party.
I don’t want to be at this party or be involved in any kind of way shape or form but I was drug here by my conscience and then my Brain has strayed off.
And a lot of the time I think maybe I should just sleep but then theirs insomnia there which makes it seem like the moon is a companion to me as it’s light dips me in the kitchen and envelops me in a comforting sheet of pale yellow gray.
I’ve tried counting sheep but all I can do is count reasons on why I should stay awake, reasons on why my life is a candle dimming by the hour as the wax beads down and
My psyche is broken like shards of glass from a beer bottle thrown out of a window in someone’s drunken stupor and my only escape is the tantalizing haze of alcohol or the blissful High of marijuana.
But even then I can’t escape the gnawing blackness that seeps in through my bones and wraps itself around my emotions.
I often think of suicide, of slitting my wrists or jumping from the overpass.
I often think, mostly in the times when I’m alone with no one to speak too..I often think of how things might be better if I were gone..I often comb through different ways I could go and leave without a trace, to leave without anyone knowing or caring..It’s a thought that so often crosses my mind.
The thought though in itself makes my chest ache and my throat tighten, because I don’t really want to die..I mean..I do, but I don’t..weird isn’t it?
What I mean by this is I don’t want to exist, I’d of rather not been born as to not burden the ones I love with my existence, I’d of rather not existed in the first