Opening the book ‘Raw’ penned down by Martin Crowe my eyes fixated on the following words,
“Fear . That emotion I have fought all my life .
Fear of rejection.
Fear of unworthiness.
Fear of failure.
Fear of not moving forward.
Fear of being dropped."
Seeing and reading these words sent jitters down my spine and my head started reeling , re-calling my experiences as a budding youngster in the gentleman's game in all whites and a bright sun hat .
I was like a new born calf trying to find his footing in this world ,I was somewhat good enough to get into the school first eleven at the age of thirteen and then into the state under nineteens the next year at the age of fourteen . This is exactly when the fear started creeping in ,playing with guys almost half a decade older than me was like a David versus Goliath battle from the inside but this time Goliath was winning .
During training I was impressing all and then on the first match day just before the coin went up between the the two leaders a bombshell was dropped , a meeting was called and I was handed my first cap by the captain and a new set of whites as i was to take the field instead of a experienced stalwart in the team and thus was slotted to bat at number three . The toss was won by my captain and he decided to have a bat on a green seamer , on which the ball would move around in every direction .
Watching the openers walk out to the middle was terrifying . I was sitting with my pads on , helmet and gloves in hand and shaking , shaking so violently with nervousness as an earthquake had occured but a few words of wisdom from a senior was comforting but could not stop the nerves or keep the fear down which was bubbling like lava in an active volcano which could lose its top at any moment .
In just the second over the first wicket fell and it was my turn to walk out , picking up my bat it felt so heavy , as heavy as a sledge hammer . Then walking out to the middle was different and difficult