Domestic Violence Is Everybody's Business, but Rihanna's Relationship Is Not

Domestic violence is everybody's business, but Rihanna's relationship is not
Domestic Abuse is a major issue that needs to be addressed.
By Valery Fregoso
Published: Monday, March 11, 2013
Updated: Thursday, March 14, 2013 12:03

Many victims of domestic violence "stay" with their abusers, as in the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown
Throughout Twitter, Facebook, and in the media, Rihanna and Chris Brown's relationship is one of the highly documented in Hollywood despite the couple's belief that it should be 'nobody's business,' like the song they recorded back in September 2012.Rihanna and Chris Brown's relationship is 'nobody's business' but domestic abuse is a major issue that needs to be addressed.
On Feb. 8, 2009 just after midnight, Rihanna and Chris Brown were coming back from a pre-Grammy party when they got in verbal argument over a text message Brown received from another woman, according to the County of Los Angeles Police teport. He then proceeded to slap her, punch her repeatedly, bite her, strangle her, throw her phone out of the car and state that he was going to “beat the s*** out of [her]” and that he was going to “kill [her]” after she attempted to call someone for help before he threw her phone out the window. He left her beaten and bleeding before a witness called 911. Brown was then arrested and pleaded guilty of assault, resulting in 150 days of community service, five years probation, a five-year restraining order (lifted in 2011) and enrollment in a 52-week domestic violence batter intervention program.
Four years later, Rihanna and Brown have reconciled their relationship publicly for the second time after the assault, even revealing to Elle UK how much they love each other and to possibly even start a family. Rihanna said to Rolling Stone in January 2013, “he's not the monster everybody thinks he is.”
One hundred students from Irvine Valley College and Saddleback College were surveyed with the question, “Do you think its okay that Rihanna has gotten back together with Chris Brown after the domestic abuse incident back in 2009?” Of all students surveyed, 31 percent of students said yes, they find it okay. Many of them said it was okay because “love makes you do stupid things,” and “its her life, we should not be in it.” The other 69 percent of students said no, it's not okay. A common reason is that she should have been a role model for her fans, and should not be with him.
Rihanna publicly spoke out in an interview with Diane Sawyer for the first time about the abuse in November 2009.Even owning up to the decision to become a role model.
“This happened to me and it can happen to anyone. I'm glad it happened to me, cause now I can help young girls when they go through it. I will say that to any young girl who is going through domestic violence. Don't react off love. F love," Rihanna said. "Come out of the situation and look at it third person for what it really is. And then make your decision. Because love is so blind. It is so blind.” She even recognized that it takes up to eight or nine times to end a relationship with an abuser.
After speaking with he IVC Health and Wellness Center, Saddleback's counseling center and Marissa Presley from Laura's House, an agency that helps individuals and families affected by abuse, it was realized that the question surveyed was geared more towards the victim, on what Rihanna is doing wrong, not towards what Brown did wrong. A common mistake many make when talking about domestic abuse.
Why is Rihanna back together with him after she admitted that she should be a role model to her fans? We cannot blame her for being back together with him. Unfortunately, many abusive relationships on average do not end until the seventh break up according to Presely.
“As an advocate, I expect one thing from the survivor, where society expects her to be a role model, [for] the victim to speak up, to do something, to not return to her abuser, [society] expects so much from the victim,” Presley, Prevention Education Specialist for Laura's House said. “I expect one thing for the victim, to remain alive. That is my highest expectation and my only expectation.”
As a society, we cannot expect her to be an advocate against domestic abuse. In an interview with Oprah in August 2012, she mentions how she was “embarrassed” and “humiliated.” How can our society expect someone who is a victim of a physical and mental crime to be a spokesperson when they possibly are still being abused?
“I personally (have) never been in that situation,” Alexis Lee, 21, health science, said. “Brown took it seriously and got help to better himself which makes me 'okay with it'.”
According to Presley, studies show that people who complete the 52-week batter intervention program, 80 percent of them will continue to abuse. Brown completed this program by tweeting out a picture of his diploma for his fans back in December 2010.
When surveyed, many argued that something more could have happened that night that the public does not know about. but it does not give it any excuse for anyone to be hit or beaten especially the way Rihanna was that night.
Will Brown continue to abuse her? According to the statistics, possibly.
We can only hope that Rihanna will be safe and that she is not staying for the wrong reasons, such as fear. According to Presley, Fear is the number one reason victims tend to stay with their abusers. This can be due to the fear of being alone, losing the person you love or even fear of threats. It is not our place to judge what she chooses to do.
But, domestic abuse is everybody's business. This case is a great example to educate the young and our fellow students about domestic abuse.
Saddleback and Irvine Valley College has many resources when it comes to help with domestic abuse by counseling and providing outside resources if needed. The Saddleback Counseling Center offers help to anyone who feels they are in an abusive relationship. You can call, go online or even drop in to schedule an appointment with a counselor.
“If it's an emergency, and you need help then, we will not turn you away.” Michael Engels, Saddleback counselor said.

Irvine Valley College also have help from the Health and Wellness Center. They have physiological counseling and physical check ups for those who are in need of help. Christine Hogstedt, Director of the Health and Wellness Center also said that she would never turn anyone away if they needed help. You can call or walk in to schedule an appointment.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship or would like to know more about the red flags on abusers, please visit Lauras House.
If you need to make an appointment with Saddleback counseling or IVC Health and Wellness Center please visit:
Saddleback: http://www.saddleback.edu/counseling/
IVC: http://www.ivc.edu/student/wellness/Pages/default.aspx

This essay is about analyzing how the domestic violence is constructed in Rihanna’s case, what reaction to the News of Rihanna's alleged abuse. Compare to the unit of study, seeks to pinpoint why women stay in abusive relationships, also what learning can take away from the case for my future practice as a social worker.

From an outsider's point of view, it is nearly impossible to fathom why a woman might return to an abusive relationship. Because love, familiarity, fear or manipulation? There are many social, economic and cultural reasons that might compel her to stay or return. The case I choose, in 2009, Chris Brown was prosecuted for brutally assaulting Rihanna and threatening to kill her. After a media-filled court case, he was issued a restraining order and court-ordered community service. He was ordered to stay away from Rihanna. Rihanna, on the other hand, flourished with a new strong, independent identity. She become a role model to women around the world, and through her actions, says "No" to domestic violence. Everyone was proud of how easily she left Chris Brown. However, they back together after four years later, in this incredibly controversial move. This has left fans, friends, and the media flabbergasted. Rihanna has been strongly criticized for publicly flaunting her reconciliation with Chris Brown. Media judge her with questions of 'why? Blame her for her own abuse. 'Rihanna return to Chris brown is seen as stupid or illogical'. 'With millions of girls looking up to her as a role model, she has set a bad example by demonstrating that it is okay to return to an abusive relationship'. (1) Throughout Twitter, Facebook, People say things like, “the abuse must not have been that bad,” “Maybe Rihanna did something to deserve it,” or “why would she go back unless she was lying?” (2) Most commentators focused on belittling Rihanna's decision and chiding her for not being a better role model. However haven't examined the pervasiveness of why do women return to abusive relationship in our society. The media also argued that Rihanna stayed in abusive relationship because she suffered from a personality disorder that caused her to seek out abusive relationships as a means of self-punishment, or were addicted to abusive relationships. In this case, seemingly Chris Brown pays little for his crimes. People concerned about whether or not Rihanna is a good role model for young girls when Chris Brown is the one who attacked her? No one asks why Chris Brown is not better role models. People think that Rihanna provokes Chris force a violence response from him, and argue that Chris just got anger problem. Is the message are send by media, violence against women is no big deal.

Returning to an abusive relationship is a common problem among those that have been abused. Rihanna, along with many others, may have fallen into this cycle. Drawing on what I have learned in the unit, why do people return to these destructive relationships? The first reason is love. It's hard to leave someone you fall in love; sometimes it's not so easy to end those feelings. Many people are paralyzed by the love they feel towards their partner, they prefer to remain and return to their relationship, even continued abuse or death. Your partner is familiar to you, with missing living with him, leaving can be daunting. We frequently fight, quarrel, and end up with the same partner or type of relationship over and over again. We may feel normal to engage in this destructive behavior or believe that the violence is our fault. Leaving your partner can be more intimidating than dealing with the violence in your relationship. Rihanna may well have fallen into this trap. Since breaking up with Chris Brown, She has not been in any serious relationships, but has admitted in multiple interviews that she doesn't like being single and really wants to find love. Which close to her say she not able to fully move on from Chris Brown and still in love with him. The love and familiarity brought Rihanna back to this relationship.

Second reason is: Lack of awareness. Society often underestimates the effects of destructive relationships and abuse. Therefore, many people are unaware or unwilling to accept that they are in a harmful relationship, even they are facing non-violent forms of abuse, such as verbal, sexual or emotional, etc. the partner may act charming, nurturing, and caring. Those traits which attracted the victim resurface and the victim sees her abuser as a loving person, thereby enhancing her decision to stay or back to the relationship. Even when the situation becomes threatening to your safety, you may hold on to the belief that your situation is not serious. The victims of abuse have a hard time accepting that they are in fact in a destructive relationship. We all want to believe that the one we love is as good as our idealized image of them. When they in trouble, we underplay it. However, this is usually not true. Violence frequently escalates after the initial episode. Obviously, Rihanna does not realize the situation, she forgiven Chris Brown, forget how she was treated. She has put it in the past and is moving to a “new” relationship. Although her friends and family are incredibly concerned and worried of the two becoming closer, she continues to deny the severity of abuse.

Three reason is: fear. Abusers also manipulate the victims; make them feel guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. By consistently insulting and control the needs and wants, victims often become helpless and hopeless. They began to believe that this is their own fault that they are being abused. Therefore, they think they are not good enough to leave the relationship, and they stay with their partner through abuse, belittlement, and control. Rihanna's fear and psychological manipulation force her become the victim. Chris Brown made promises to her, and she became dependent on him for love, self worth, and happiness. Rihanna regarded Chris Brown as "the love of her life". After the assault, she felt ashamed that the whole world knows her story, and guilty that she had ruined his career and destroyed his credibility forever. These issues cause lasting psychological damage that continues to be present today in her relationship with Chris Brown.

Number four reason: people can change. Some people feel as though the love they have for their partner will be enough to overcome their violence behavior and ultimately cause them to change. The abusers promises it will never happen again; people want to believe this is true. Or may believe that partner is "sick" and/or needs our help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt. "Man needs help or that he has no one but me, woman may minimize the violence, because she hopes the relationship is salvageable. The woman herself only focuses on the positive aspect". (3) However people can change could be a false hope. Rihanna felt sorry for her partner because of his difficult childhood - one painfully similar to her own. Rihanna want to help Chris Brown. “It was a weird; I just felt Chris made that mistake because he needed help. Who’s going to help him?” “No one’s going to say, ‘He needs help.’ Everybody’s going to say, ‘He’s a monster. Without looking at the source.” (4) She suggested, to the horror of many viewers, Brown himself needed to be protected.

What learning can you take away from this exercise for your future practice as a social worker? To become a social worker should not blame the victim. Never make comments that suggest she is responsible for the abuse or judge her reasons for stay or back to the relationship. Blaming a woman who has been abused further erodes her self-esteem, making it that much more difficult for her to seek support to leave the abusive partner. She will likely not turn to you for comfort, reassurance or assistance in the future. Also don't blame someone they love; the victim would be defensive of the abuser and will not confide in you. We need to develop empathy, feeling and hearing to the victim. All too often domestic abuse survivors endure years of frustration and bottled-up pain. Their experience falls on deaf ears with the person from whom they seek attention, their battering intimate partner. There can be repeated failed attempts to share their emotional trauma, leaving their loneliness and injury intact. Try to listens to their pain and steps into the pain with you. It’s very important to stand on victim's view to see the problem. We need respect the victim. Social workers should respect and promote people's right to make their own choices and decisions, irrespective of their values and life choices. Never insist that the woman to leave, or to talk about the abuse can increase her risk. Respect her choices, each woman is the only expert on her situation, she has very good reasons for staying in the relationship and is the best person to understand her level of risk. We can't tell the victim what they “have to do.” never give advice, or tell the victim what they need to do, or what I would do if I was you. Never force her to do what anyone else thinks is best for her. It is good to help the, discover their options, but the decision must be theirs alone. Last, it’s not the victim's fault. Every victim has different reasons why they may choose to stay or back to the abusive relationship, but it is important to remember that the abuse is not the victims fault. The abuser is the one choosing to be violent and use power and control against his/her intimate partner. The question should be, “Why does he batter?” and not “Why does she stay or return?”

Conclusion. From Rihanna's case, we see she's candid reaction to her own situation of domestic violence as a classic victim mentality, and see that domestic violence is not just one issue. Many factors contribute to women staying abusive relationships, fear, love, situation can change, etc. No matter what reason leads them to stay or go back, we must look at as a nation in order to halt this crime. Rihanna is scapegoat. Rihanna is scapegoat. And in the case, we can see the attitudes towards women and survivors of domestic abuse in the media and society. Media dismiss Rihanna behavior as “stupid” and use faux concern and high-minded talk of “her responsibility” to avoid talking about our own responsibility. Media put the onus on one woman for not leaving her abuser than it is to examine what it is about our society and about us as individuals that perpetuates the domestic violence issue.

Reference: (1) Christiana Paradis (2013) Shhh! We Shouldn't Talk About Domestic Violence on TV, viewed 2013, http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:TQ2Fk98EIEsJ:poweredbygirl.org/blog/shhh-we-shouldn%25E2%2580%2599t-talk-about-domestic-violence-tv%25E2%2580%25A6part-i+&cd=1&hl=zh-TW&ct=clnk&gl=au

(2) Valery Fregoso (2013) Domestic violence is everybody's business, but Rihanna's relationship is not, viewed March 14, 2013, http://www.lariatnews.com/domestic-violence-is-everybody-s-business-but-rihanna-s-relationship-is-not-1.2816575

(3) Shaw E, Bouris A & Pye S. (1999) A comprehensive approach: the family safety model with domestic violence. In Breckenridge J. & Laing L. (eds.) Challenging Silence: Innovative responses to sexual and domestic violence. North Sydney: Allen & Unwin.

(4) Michelle Bernard, Rihanna and Chris Brown Are Proof That Domestic Violence Is Everyone's Business, viewed February 11, 2013, http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2013/02/11/rihanna-and-chris-brown-are-proof-that-domestic-violence-is-everyones-business/