Effects of an Alcoholic Father

My father was an alcoholic, an angry one at that, so after a few drinks he was like a ticking time bomb just waiting for a fuse so he could explode. My sister and I took the worst of it. He had this thing about him where he would say the most hateful things just to put you down. I couldn’t help but to believe him; I couldn’t help but think “Maybe he is right”. I think the reason I believed him for so long was because he my father. Having an alcoholic as a father caused me to have emotional problems, have difficulty with intimate relationships, and judge myself. As a child, I never had sleepovers because I was so ashamed. Every night, I would cry myself to sleep because I was so depressed. I felt guilty because my father was drinking; I blamed myself. I was always confused; I never knew what to expect from my father. He would hug me one minute and throw me against the wall the next. I had bad anxiety, I was always worrying about my father; I feared that my father would over dosed on alcohol or injured himself. In order for an intimate relationship to work, one must be willing to look to another person for support, affection, or fulfillment of ones need. Unlike majority of females, I hold back my emotions. My father would get very abusive if I showed emotions, he would yell “Emotions are for the weak” and hit me with an electric cord. The lack of trust issues doesn’t allow me to get close to others. It is hard to trust someone when growing up I was surrounded by denial, lies, and secrets. The broken promises that my father made lead me to believe that trusting someone will backfire on me eventually.