Effects Of Divorce On Children
Children of Divorce
Lynda Loges
DeVry University
Children of Divorce
“Mom, I’m not crying because you’re getting divorced. I’m crying because I don’t want to leave my house”. Children can surprise us at times; when we think they’ll not be able to cope with something like divorce, they amaze us with their visceral responses to life changing events. Children experience a lot of transition when living through parental divorce, but they are resilient to change. They have the ability to cope, adapt and to overcome the life-changing events that ensue. It has been found that one of the most effective way to help them with this transition is to be proactive rather than reactive, giving them time to adjust to each new change, …show more content…
all the while shielding them from the hard things to witness: the breakup of their parents and an end to everything they’ve ever known (Mihaly, 2005).
The debate of whether or not children are affected positively or negatively is a continual one that will never be solved. There are opinions and theories, but in the end, it is the parents and ultimately the child, who determines how they will adapt to the change and what affects it will have in their lives. Many studies have been done to show the negative effects of divorce on children. Stephenson (2013) discusses honesty in a study with 400 students conducted in a business school class where the results were a surprise. Of the 400 students that participated, 50% of the subjects lied about money they had in their "pretend” accounts. Of those 200 students, 29.3% of them were children of divorce. The people who ran the study and analyzed it felt that …show more content…
perhaps it was because they “were more prone to lying by nature or by training” (Stephenson, 2013).
The fact that children of divorce lie, use alcohol or drugs, or divorce as adults does not necessarily mean they do it because they are children of divorce. No one has conducted a study to look at ALL children of divorce to determine how they turn out. Many children and young adults use drugs, drink, steal, lie or divorce as adults; to say that every child that does is a child of divorce cannot be assumed. Children of divorce can grow up into well-adjusted adults regardless of their familial environmental history. At the age of three years, my daughter’s dad and I were divorced. She adjusted well over the years because we made a promise never to use her against each other. We agreed never to talk about each other poorly in front of her. Never blame each other in front of her. She has always had an opinion in matters that related to her. “Do you want to go to your dad’s this weekend? You don’t want to because you have a birthday slumber party? Ok, I will let your dad know” and he would understand and allow the visitation schedule to shift, as would I. Giving a child some control over what they are allowed to do or want to do is the key to making the transition smoother. Children who have reported on their feelings of divorce (Mihaly, 2005) have said they initially were hurt and angry, but as time goes by, they agree it was for the better. They say the good things are having two Christmas’ or two birthdays. Some children even talk about how much calmer and relaxed their life is because of the divorce. (Erickson, 2013)
The importance of looking at children of divorce is so that society can better understand the long-term effects on adults from divorced homes; how these children of divorce, grown up as adults now, have an affect society. The importance of those studies can be utilized to determine if anything can be done to improve their outcome in life. For example, children of violent homes can grow up to become violent. Children of alcoholic homes can grow up to become alcoholic. However, not all children of violent or alcoholic homes become violent or alcoholic. Likewise, not all children of divorce grow up disturbed and end up divorcing. The fact of the matter is that children of divorce become exactly whom their parents make them-forming them into dysfunctional people or forming them into well-adjusted adults. This can be done through various methods; one, do nothing at all. Two, do everything possible to make the transition easier and less stressful. If a child grows up in a home where arguments, lies, betrayal and blame are common between the parents, then the child will grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable. Society then turns out these children who have grown into dysfunctional maladjusted adults. Likewise if they are well adjusted to the transition of divorce and forming a new life with single parents, then they can become successful adults.
Awareness
The concept of divorce in the 1950’s and 1960’s was unheard of. People stayed together because it was what was supposed to be done. “For better or for worse” the officiating clergy recited. Sometimes this ended up being one or both adults in abusive relationships, infidelity and lack of trust or respect. Now, in the early twenty-first century, divorce is common and marriage has almost become a throw away lifestyle. The downfall of this is people forget the collateral damage that can occur. Society has become more acquiescent of divorce and therefore accepts it without question or judgment. However to some, the awareness it brings to a person can make them wonder why it has become so acceptable and therefore easily disposable without worry of the true consequences.
Awareness can instill in a person, a reason to stand up and take a position.
Once a person truly becomes aware of something that may strike a nerve, or capture attention, they want to know more about it. Once they begin to learn about something, they begin to formulate their own opinion of that topic, the view of the topic, etc. and take a stance. That is where the beginning of anything worth defending starts. Once you become aware of a problem or an issue, you can be driven to find a solution to it. In the case of divorce and the effects on children, there is a large amount of information available that discuss the negative effects, but not many talking about the positive effects. To take a stand on one side or the other, one must be open to facts of both
sides.
The first and foremost consideration in a divorce when children are involved, should be that of the child and what effect the divorce will have upon him/her. Statistics show that in many cases there is a negative effect on children who experience divorce of their parents; They are more apt to lie and cheat for money because they were brought up to believe that this was acceptable behavior by their parents (Stephenson, 2013). Children of divorce have shown to be 50% more likely to drink, more likely to divorce as adults, more likely to have psychological struggles and academic problems (Moses, 2013). University of Michigan psychologist and divorce expert Neil Kalter discusses the effects of divorce on children. Regarding children involved in parental divorce, he states “the misery of an unhappy marriage is less significant than the changes after a divorce” (Kalter, 2007). To assume that once the fighting of a divorce is over and thereby life settles down is just that, a poor assumption. One child stated when interviewed about the experience of divorce he went through as a child “Divorce is like a thousand knives being thrown at one’s heart or a slow painful ride through Horror Mountain” (www.divorceonline.com, 1998)
We, as parents, want our children to be affected as little as possible by a divorce. In divorce, the children feel loss of control about everything in their lives. By being proactive we can help children feel a sense of control in their lives and not feel lost and alone. Mihaly (2005) wrote about what happens to children when they are subjected to their parents divorcing. She utilizes several psychiatrists to help the readers understand what children go through. They work with them through divorce of their parents and this article gives good suggestions on how best to help them. In Figure 1, there are some helpful tips outlined to help children to adjust to divorce. These recommendations were made by child psychologists Dr. Karen Cruey and Dr. Mary-Lynn Theel (Mihaly, 2005). Sensible and easy proactive actions can be taken to help with transitioning of one lifestyle to another. Children are accustomed to both parents being like a ‘tag team’ to provide parental guidance throughout their lives, knowing that mom and dad are united in their methods of raising them. When divorce comes along, parents are not agreeing on anything and therefore, do not stand united. This can cause a child to feel an insecurity of loss, and loneliness making them feel unsure of where that security and safety can be found. There are many sources out there that can tell you what detrimental effects a divorce can have on a child, and there is truth in them. However, it does not always have to be that way, nor does a child need to end up as an adult with the potential to fail at everything because of their parental decisions. “I had wanted to stay married so that my kids wouldn’t be ‘screwed up’, but my marriage was DOA, and all of a sudden I knew they’d be screwed up anyway being raised in that environment.” (Erickson, 2013). In divorce, the almost constant conflict, emotional and sometimes physical pain, the guilt and the distrust of each other all have an influence on how people’s lives are shaped from that point forward, for the adults as well as the children. Of course, the sacredness of marriage should be protected and even more so when children are involved. However, there are instances when a divorce is beneficial for all parties involved. These include abuse of any kind and infidelity; the two most detrimental circumstances to a marriage and truly do warrant a divorce. A single parent can be a good parent just as much as two parents can be. This has been found through studying experiences of divorce and a single parent who is raising a child, as well as studying a child’s life and watching the adult they grow into. The outcome of the child in a divorce depends on how strong the relationship is with the custodial parent. Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. If the right stipulations are set into place with the primary focus being the life of the child, the result will advantageous in the long run.
So many opinions are geared towards the detrimental effects of divorce on children but we must understand that is not always the outcome. If children are given ample time to understand what is going on around them, they can adapt much better to change and have fewer long term side effects coming from a broken home. The notion that a divorce could actually improve the life of a child is not one of common thought. But society needs to change their way of thinking, and with some effort we can make children’s lives have a positive outcome when enduring divorce, no matter the age. Many couples have been known to make the decision to divorce upon considering the child’s resiliency in adaptation to change and stress before making a decision. They look at the overall situation, taking into consideration whether or not a school relocation, moving of the home and loss of friends, and if the stress of alternating parental visitation can or will have an effect on the child. However, many times couples make the decision to continue into a divorce with a child regardless because the alternative (staying together) was no better or worse. This suggests that a single parent with children living in a happy, safe, secure, quiet home is better than a family in a home full of conflict, blame, abuse, infidelity and distrust.
Almost all studies that are performed to attempt to analyze and conclude the outcome of a child after divorce, even as adults, are statistically difficult to prove; there are wide margins of error, the subjects are typically "blinded" so there is no way to go back and clarify any unknown responses from the study group. Although most people feel there is a statistical significance of psychological maltreatment (PM) in children of divorcing/divorced parents, they cannot prove without a doubt that this is related or not related to divorce; there are too many variables (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011). No matter the amount of studies done on children, each case is different just like each child is different. How the child reacts, adapts, changes, and grows up depends on many factors but mainly on the child her/his self.
Tyre (2003) wrote an article about the bad things that happen from divorce. It is a story about 2 people who have a huge revelation, but almost too late. In the case of the Masts’ divorce and financial fighting, it is the perfect example of a situation of what happens while filing for divorce: using up all of their money fighting over who will get the most money. This seems so crazy but is more common than we know. Sadly, sometimes adults get lost in the fight and lose sight of the important things. Last month the couple filed their new agreement – and hopefully the last - with the court. "We had to look at the bigger picture--the happiness and well-being of our kids," says Anton Mast (Tyre, 2003). Perhaps there is hope for the children of divorce after all..
Figure 1.
References
Baker, A. L., & Ben-Ami, N. (2011). Adult recall of childhood psychological maltreatment in 'Adult Children of Divorce ': prevalence and associations with concurrent measures of well being. Journal Of Divorce & Remarriage, 52(4), 203-219. doi:10.1080/10502556.2011.556973
Erickson, J. (2013). How my divorce made me a better mom. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/20/parenting-after-divorce-_n_4117882.html
Kalter, N. (2007). Growing up with divorce: Helping you child avoid immediate and later emotional problems. Adoleescence,42(166), 434-435.
Mihaly, M. (2005). When parents divorce. Current Health 1, 28(6), 8. Available from: Points of View Reference Center, Ipswich, MA. Accessed December 1, 2013.
Moses, M. E. (2013). Helping children endure divorce. Tennessee Bar Journal. Retrieved from http://www.tba.org/journal/helping-children-endure-divorce
“Through the eyes of a child” (1998) Retrieved from www.divorceonline.com
Lynda Loges
DeVry University
Children of Divorce
“Mom, I’m not crying because you’re getting divorced. I’m crying because I don’t want to leave my house”. Children can surprise us at times; when we think they’ll not be able to cope with something like divorce, they amaze us with their visceral responses to life changing events. Children experience a lot of transition when living through parental divorce, but they are resilient to change. They have the ability to cope, adapt and to overcome the life-changing events that ensue. It has been found that one of the most effective way to help them with this transition is to be proactive rather than reactive, giving them time to adjust to each new change, …show more content…
all the while shielding them from the hard things to witness: the breakup of their parents and an end to everything they’ve ever known (Mihaly, 2005).
The debate of whether or not children are affected positively or negatively is a continual one that will never be solved. There are opinions and theories, but in the end, it is the parents and ultimately the child, who determines how they will adapt to the change and what affects it will have in their lives. Many studies have been done to show the negative effects of divorce on children. Stephenson (2013) discusses honesty in a study with 400 students conducted in a business school class where the results were a surprise. Of the 400 students that participated, 50% of the subjects lied about money they had in their "pretend” accounts. Of those 200 students, 29.3% of them were children of divorce. The people who ran the study and analyzed it felt that …show more content…
perhaps it was because they “were more prone to lying by nature or by training” (Stephenson, 2013).
The fact that children of divorce lie, use alcohol or drugs, or divorce as adults does not necessarily mean they do it because they are children of divorce. No one has conducted a study to look at ALL children of divorce to determine how they turn out. Many children and young adults use drugs, drink, steal, lie or divorce as adults; to say that every child that does is a child of divorce cannot be assumed. Children of divorce can grow up into well-adjusted adults regardless of their familial environmental history. At the age of three years, my daughter’s dad and I were divorced. She adjusted well over the years because we made a promise never to use her against each other. We agreed never to talk about each other poorly in front of her. Never blame each other in front of her. She has always had an opinion in matters that related to her. “Do you want to go to your dad’s this weekend? You don’t want to because you have a birthday slumber party? Ok, I will let your dad know” and he would understand and allow the visitation schedule to shift, as would I. Giving a child some control over what they are allowed to do or want to do is the key to making the transition smoother. Children who have reported on their feelings of divorce (Mihaly, 2005) have said they initially were hurt and angry, but as time goes by, they agree it was for the better. They say the good things are having two Christmas’ or two birthdays. Some children even talk about how much calmer and relaxed their life is because of the divorce. (Erickson, 2013)
The importance of looking at children of divorce is so that society can better understand the long-term effects on adults from divorced homes; how these children of divorce, grown up as adults now, have an affect society. The importance of those studies can be utilized to determine if anything can be done to improve their outcome in life. For example, children of violent homes can grow up to become violent. Children of alcoholic homes can grow up to become alcoholic. However, not all children of violent or alcoholic homes become violent or alcoholic. Likewise, not all children of divorce grow up disturbed and end up divorcing. The fact of the matter is that children of divorce become exactly whom their parents make them-forming them into dysfunctional people or forming them into well-adjusted adults. This can be done through various methods; one, do nothing at all. Two, do everything possible to make the transition easier and less stressful. If a child grows up in a home where arguments, lies, betrayal and blame are common between the parents, then the child will grow up thinking that kind of behavior is acceptable. Society then turns out these children who have grown into dysfunctional maladjusted adults. Likewise if they are well adjusted to the transition of divorce and forming a new life with single parents, then they can become successful adults.
Awareness
The concept of divorce in the 1950’s and 1960’s was unheard of. People stayed together because it was what was supposed to be done. “For better or for worse” the officiating clergy recited. Sometimes this ended up being one or both adults in abusive relationships, infidelity and lack of trust or respect. Now, in the early twenty-first century, divorce is common and marriage has almost become a throw away lifestyle. The downfall of this is people forget the collateral damage that can occur. Society has become more acquiescent of divorce and therefore accepts it without question or judgment. However to some, the awareness it brings to a person can make them wonder why it has become so acceptable and therefore easily disposable without worry of the true consequences.
Awareness can instill in a person, a reason to stand up and take a position.
Once a person truly becomes aware of something that may strike a nerve, or capture attention, they want to know more about it. Once they begin to learn about something, they begin to formulate their own opinion of that topic, the view of the topic, etc. and take a stance. That is where the beginning of anything worth defending starts. Once you become aware of a problem or an issue, you can be driven to find a solution to it. In the case of divorce and the effects on children, there is a large amount of information available that discuss the negative effects, but not many talking about the positive effects. To take a stand on one side or the other, one must be open to facts of both
sides.
The first and foremost consideration in a divorce when children are involved, should be that of the child and what effect the divorce will have upon him/her. Statistics show that in many cases there is a negative effect on children who experience divorce of their parents; They are more apt to lie and cheat for money because they were brought up to believe that this was acceptable behavior by their parents (Stephenson, 2013). Children of divorce have shown to be 50% more likely to drink, more likely to divorce as adults, more likely to have psychological struggles and academic problems (Moses, 2013). University of Michigan psychologist and divorce expert Neil Kalter discusses the effects of divorce on children. Regarding children involved in parental divorce, he states “the misery of an unhappy marriage is less significant than the changes after a divorce” (Kalter, 2007). To assume that once the fighting of a divorce is over and thereby life settles down is just that, a poor assumption. One child stated when interviewed about the experience of divorce he went through as a child “Divorce is like a thousand knives being thrown at one’s heart or a slow painful ride through Horror Mountain” (www.divorceonline.com, 1998)
We, as parents, want our children to be affected as little as possible by a divorce. In divorce, the children feel loss of control about everything in their lives. By being proactive we can help children feel a sense of control in their lives and not feel lost and alone. Mihaly (2005) wrote about what happens to children when they are subjected to their parents divorcing. She utilizes several psychiatrists to help the readers understand what children go through. They work with them through divorce of their parents and this article gives good suggestions on how best to help them. In Figure 1, there are some helpful tips outlined to help children to adjust to divorce. These recommendations were made by child psychologists Dr. Karen Cruey and Dr. Mary-Lynn Theel (Mihaly, 2005). Sensible and easy proactive actions can be taken to help with transitioning of one lifestyle to another. Children are accustomed to both parents being like a ‘tag team’ to provide parental guidance throughout their lives, knowing that mom and dad are united in their methods of raising them. When divorce comes along, parents are not agreeing on anything and therefore, do not stand united. This can cause a child to feel an insecurity of loss, and loneliness making them feel unsure of where that security and safety can be found. There are many sources out there that can tell you what detrimental effects a divorce can have on a child, and there is truth in them. However, it does not always have to be that way, nor does a child need to end up as an adult with the potential to fail at everything because of their parental decisions. “I had wanted to stay married so that my kids wouldn’t be ‘screwed up’, but my marriage was DOA, and all of a sudden I knew they’d be screwed up anyway being raised in that environment.” (Erickson, 2013). In divorce, the almost constant conflict, emotional and sometimes physical pain, the guilt and the distrust of each other all have an influence on how people’s lives are shaped from that point forward, for the adults as well as the children. Of course, the sacredness of marriage should be protected and even more so when children are involved. However, there are instances when a divorce is beneficial for all parties involved. These include abuse of any kind and infidelity; the two most detrimental circumstances to a marriage and truly do warrant a divorce. A single parent can be a good parent just as much as two parents can be. This has been found through studying experiences of divorce and a single parent who is raising a child, as well as studying a child’s life and watching the adult they grow into. The outcome of the child in a divorce depends on how strong the relationship is with the custodial parent. Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. If the right stipulations are set into place with the primary focus being the life of the child, the result will advantageous in the long run.
So many opinions are geared towards the detrimental effects of divorce on children but we must understand that is not always the outcome. If children are given ample time to understand what is going on around them, they can adapt much better to change and have fewer long term side effects coming from a broken home. The notion that a divorce could actually improve the life of a child is not one of common thought. But society needs to change their way of thinking, and with some effort we can make children’s lives have a positive outcome when enduring divorce, no matter the age. Many couples have been known to make the decision to divorce upon considering the child’s resiliency in adaptation to change and stress before making a decision. They look at the overall situation, taking into consideration whether or not a school relocation, moving of the home and loss of friends, and if the stress of alternating parental visitation can or will have an effect on the child. However, many times couples make the decision to continue into a divorce with a child regardless because the alternative (staying together) was no better or worse. This suggests that a single parent with children living in a happy, safe, secure, quiet home is better than a family in a home full of conflict, blame, abuse, infidelity and distrust.
Almost all studies that are performed to attempt to analyze and conclude the outcome of a child after divorce, even as adults, are statistically difficult to prove; there are wide margins of error, the subjects are typically "blinded" so there is no way to go back and clarify any unknown responses from the study group. Although most people feel there is a statistical significance of psychological maltreatment (PM) in children of divorcing/divorced parents, they cannot prove without a doubt that this is related or not related to divorce; there are too many variables (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011). No matter the amount of studies done on children, each case is different just like each child is different. How the child reacts, adapts, changes, and grows up depends on many factors but mainly on the child her/his self.
Tyre (2003) wrote an article about the bad things that happen from divorce. It is a story about 2 people who have a huge revelation, but almost too late. In the case of the Masts’ divorce and financial fighting, it is the perfect example of a situation of what happens while filing for divorce: using up all of their money fighting over who will get the most money. This seems so crazy but is more common than we know. Sadly, sometimes adults get lost in the fight and lose sight of the important things. Last month the couple filed their new agreement – and hopefully the last - with the court. "We had to look at the bigger picture--the happiness and well-being of our kids," says Anton Mast (Tyre, 2003). Perhaps there is hope for the children of divorce after all..
Figure 1.
References
Baker, A. L., & Ben-Ami, N. (2011). Adult recall of childhood psychological maltreatment in 'Adult Children of Divorce ': prevalence and associations with concurrent measures of well being. Journal Of Divorce & Remarriage, 52(4), 203-219. doi:10.1080/10502556.2011.556973
Erickson, J. (2013). How my divorce made me a better mom. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/20/parenting-after-divorce-_n_4117882.html
Kalter, N. (2007). Growing up with divorce: Helping you child avoid immediate and later emotional problems. Adoleescence,42(166), 434-435.
Mihaly, M. (2005). When parents divorce. Current Health 1, 28(6), 8. Available from: Points of View Reference Center, Ipswich, MA. Accessed December 1, 2013.
Moses, M. E. (2013). Helping children endure divorce. Tennessee Bar Journal. Retrieved from http://www.tba.org/journal/helping-children-endure-divorce
“Through the eyes of a child” (1998) Retrieved from www.divorceonline.com