Emotional Abuse: It Hurts When I Love
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Effects of Emotional Abuse: It Hurts When I Love
The simplest definition of emotionally abusive behavior is anything that intentionally hurts the feelings of another person. Since almost everyone in intimate relationships does that at some time or other in the heat of an argument, emotionally abusive behavior must be distinguished from an emotionally abusive relationship, which is more than the sum of emotionally abusive behaviors.
In an emotionally abusive relationship, one party systematically controls the other by: • Undermining his or her confidence, worthiness, growth, or trust • "Gaslighting" - making him/her feel crazy or unstable • Manipulating him/her with fear or shame.
Here are examples:
"You shouldn't spend …show more content…
There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent.
The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love …show more content…
Self-compassion is the ability to recognize when you are hurt, with amotivation to heal or improve. Of course, the latter is complicated with people you love. With them, you must recognize that when you are angry, you feel devalued or unlovable -- you perceive your loved one to have said or done something to devalue you. With self-compassion, you have two alternatives to anger and retaliation. Since the real problem is that you feel devalued or unlovable, you will move toward a real solution, i.e., doing something that will make you feel more valuable and lovable. In the history of humankind, no one has ever felt more valuable and lovable by hurting loved ones.
The other alternative to angry retaliation that comes with self-compassion is an understanding that your loved one, like you, feels devalued and unlovable beneath his/her angry, resentful, or irritable behavior. Hurting or devaluing him or her further can only make it worse.
Neither anger nor compassion solves problems in love relationships. But compassion puts you in a position where you are more likely to solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction. At the very least, you will never be emotionally abusive with
Effects of Emotional Abuse: It Hurts When I Love
The simplest definition of emotionally abusive behavior is anything that intentionally hurts the feelings of another person. Since almost everyone in intimate relationships does that at some time or other in the heat of an argument, emotionally abusive behavior must be distinguished from an emotionally abusive relationship, which is more than the sum of emotionally abusive behaviors.
In an emotionally abusive relationship, one party systematically controls the other by: • Undermining his or her confidence, worthiness, growth, or trust • "Gaslighting" - making him/her feel crazy or unstable • Manipulating him/her with fear or shame.
Here are examples:
"You shouldn't spend …show more content…
There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, "Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!") Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent.
The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it's easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle - saying or implying that you're ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you - you are more likely to think it's your problem. Emotional abuse seems more personal than physical abuse, more about you as a person, more about your spirit. It makes love …show more content…
Self-compassion is the ability to recognize when you are hurt, with amotivation to heal or improve. Of course, the latter is complicated with people you love. With them, you must recognize that when you are angry, you feel devalued or unlovable -- you perceive your loved one to have said or done something to devalue you. With self-compassion, you have two alternatives to anger and retaliation. Since the real problem is that you feel devalued or unlovable, you will move toward a real solution, i.e., doing something that will make you feel more valuable and lovable. In the history of humankind, no one has ever felt more valuable and lovable by hurting loved ones.
The other alternative to angry retaliation that comes with self-compassion is an understanding that your loved one, like you, feels devalued and unlovable beneath his/her angry, resentful, or irritable behavior. Hurting or devaluing him or her further can only make it worse.
Neither anger nor compassion solves problems in love relationships. But compassion puts you in a position where you are more likely to solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction. At the very least, you will never be emotionally abusive with