English Is A Crazy Language

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ENGLISH IS A CRAZY LANGUAGE

RICHARD LEDERER
Concord, New HaITIpshire
The English language is the ITIost widely spoken in the history of our planet. The English language has acquired the largest vocabulary and the noblest literature in the history of the hUITIan race.
Nonetheless, English is a crazy language.
In the crazy English language there is no butter in butterITIilk, no haITI in haITIburger, and no cottages in cottage cheese. To add to the in­ sanity, blackboards can be green, hot dogs can be cold, darkrooITIs can be lit, and silverware can be plastic.
In the weird English language a titITIouse is not a ITIouse, worITIwood contains neither worITIS nor wood, and bathrooITIs often donI t have any baths in theITI. In fact, a bathrooITI isn't always a room since a dog can go to the bathroOITI under a tree.
In thi s wacky tongue that we try to speak a WOITIan can ITIan a station but a ITIan can It WOITIan one. A ITIan can father a moveITIent, but a woITIan can 't ITIother one. And a king rules a kingdoITI, but a queen can't rule a queendoITI.
English is a crazy language.
A writer is SOITIeone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don1t groce, haITImers don't haITI, and hUITIdingers don't humding. If you rang a bell yesterday, why can't we say that you also £lang a ball? If you wrote a letter, why can't we say that you also bote you r tongue?
In this zany language of ours 1'1 could care less" really ITIeans II I couldn ' t care less, II II I literally fell over with surprise" reallyITIeans
"I figuratively fell over with surprise, 11 a near miss is really a near hit, to put on one 1 s shoes and socks really means to put on one I s socks and shoes, to be head over heels in love really means to be heels over head in love, to go back and forth really means to go forth and back, and to do sOITIething ass backwards really means to do it ass frontwards.
SometiITIes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asyluITI. In what other language can a boxing ring be square and a young Communist be called a green Red? In what other

language wou
ITIan with hail hot as hell on
Things re acts in a cave cide to be evi you are wear:
I ITIean Er and II unloose]
How can it be exactly the sa
Can anybo visible but wh sible that whe confe renee, v. lishing it (esI
Doesn't it but neve r just one annal, an<

Why in En he althl e s s jun people who ar, spring chicker bobulated, chc

Actually, : side r the folIo
Language l l in
For all its
God its COl
In France,
The Germ,
In Spain, a
Yet interlu
So though (
I use it wit

Still, you 1 burn up and do you add up a c down a tree, a

229 language would a man with hairs on his head probably be balder than a man with hair on his head? In what other language can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next?
Things really become ridiculous when you realize that if a cavalier acts in a cavalier manner, he isn ' t being a good cavalier, that if you de­ cide to be evil forever, you have chosen to be bad for good, and that if you are wearing your left shoe, your right one is left. Right?

history of our
:abulary and

ermilk, no add to the in­ trkrooms can

=,

wormwood t have any nce a dog can

}I

nan a station t, but a wo­ queen can ' t

I mean English is absolutely wacko. How can it be that II loosen ll

and II unloosen" and " ravel'l and II unravel!1 can mean the .same thing?

How can it be that II I want a piece of cloth that will wear" can convey

exactly the same message as II I want a piece of cloth that won't wear'l ?

Can anybody explain why it is that when the star s are out, they are visible but when the lights are out, they are invisible? How is it pos­ sible that when we wind up a watch we start it but when we wind up a confe rence ,. we end it and that when we tr im a tree, we may be embel­ lishing it (especially at Christmas) or cutting it away?
Doesn l t it seem just a little weird to you that you can make amends, but never just one amend, that there are annals of history but never just one annal, and that you can never contract a measle or a heebie-jeebie?
Why in English aren I t there any horseful car riages or strapful gowns, healthless junk foods or beautiless paintings? Why doni t we ever meet people who are spring chickens instead of meeting people who are no spring chickens? And why doni t we ever run into someone who is com­ bobulated, chalant, or gainly?
Actually, if the truth be told, all languages are kind of crazy. Con­ sider the following stanza from Bob Feinstein! s II Musings on the English
Language" in the January 1981 Westways:

thing that
l.ersdon't
sterday, why
~r, why can't

, means II I
'eally means
:tlly a near one's socks
: heels ove r and back, and ontwards. should be ng ring be that other

3

For all its flaws, toward English I remain a staunch defender. Thank

God its common nouns are learned without including gender.

In France, they think that milk is male; I find this rathe r comic.

The Germans neuterize their girls, a puzzle anatomic.

In Spain, an interruption is a female kind of word.

Yet interlude is masculine; doni t ask how that occurred.

.so though our English language could be helped by overhaul,

I use it without question, and I love it, warts and all.

Still, you have to wonder about a language in wh ich your house can burn up and down at the same time, you fill in a form by filling it out, you add up a column of figures by adding them down, and you first chop down a tree, and then you chop it up.