Example Essay

Hossain 1
Rashad Hossain
Mr. Mikalaitis
AP Writing
10/20/10
Republicans: How Stupid Can We Get?

On the dollar bill, it says, “In God We Trust”, not “In Obama We Trust”! I am a republican, and I think I should let you know that I also have an IQ of 16 (mentally unstable), a degree in foolishness, a pet rock, and a masters in “being an idiot”. My fellow fat bellied republicans have been taking harsh criticism for the past few years, when all that we are trying to do is good. Sure, there were a few blunders here and there, but it was nothing that a shot of whiskey couldn’t fix! We really did do some great things for America that the people overlook: we butchered hundreds of thousands of innocent people in the Middle East, we created a completely unnecessary war, we made poor people even poorer, and we decided NOT to help out cancer patients. What more could you ask for? But what did we get in return? People call us liars. The truth is, we’re not liars, we’re just always wrong and idiotic. We are incredibly wrong; it’s just that we won’t admit it because we’re stubborn, as republicans should be. Hell, our motives are based off of just doing the opposite of whatever Democrats are doing!
Recently, there have been some terrific presidents in office representing the republicans. George Bush may be an illiterate chimpanzee, but he dodged two flying shoes! That in itself should’ve given him the reelection to office. Back in the 20th century, when George was just a lad, he would capture squirrels and set them on fire with homemade flamethrowers! These violent ambitions towards animals sighted the first signs of “Havingnobrainophelia”, a corrupt virus which was spread Hossain 2 throughout the entire Republican Party. However, there is no need to question Bush’s acts anymore; they are all totally humane and respectable, like his ruthlessness in sentencing criminals to death, his creation of illegal and unnecessary wars, and his invisible address to the innocent civilian lives lost in Iraq. Fortunately, those squirrels were just dumb animals, and there is no way that they are symbolic of the innocent lives that died in the Middle East. But all in all, with Cheney alongside Bush, the two bums were almost able to screw in a light bulb by themselves! Obviously, they were a powerful force in the white house.
In 2003, good old Bush and his republicans decided that it would be a great idea to send troops to Iraq to find imaginary weapons of mass destruction, and to kill Saddam Hussein 42 times. Of course, Bush only thought the operation would take a few minutes, so it could have been a good idea. Unfortunately, his “Havingnobrainophelia” was coming back to haunt him, as he kept the military in Iraq for 7 long tedious years, to accomplish nothing but bloodshed. He did in fact capture Saddam Hussein, but after billions of dollars spent on really cool toys, and thousands of casualties. The chase for Saddam was never ending, even after there was no presence of nuclear weapons, which was the original intent of the war. Could it have been a big lie? No way! George Bush isn’t a liar; he just suffers from a virus that makes him stupid! And even if he did lie, we should cut the guy some slack; he was almost murdered by some life threatening pretzels!
In this world, we have poor people, and we have rich people…like me. During the weekly republican meeting at the local playground, we decided that the world has been going around great with that structure. Therefore, in order to improve our world, we ought to make poor people more poor and rich people like myself richer. I refuse to pay taxes to help those in need, and I don’t understand why we would lower taxes for anyone but big business owners! Hossain 3
What I want is for my oil company to pay fewer taxes, so my stock can go up by a tenth of a point even at the expense of the rest of the world! Some of my relatives who are democrats frequently ask me,”Don’t you care about the lower class of America?” I always answer them with an abrupt look, replying “No.” Hey, you may not agree with the way I think, but my fellow republicans do!
I keep hearing conflicts over the use of Stem Cell Research. Stem Cell Research? I don’t even know what that means! All I do know is that those stinking Democrats support it, which means I automatically have to be against it. You can’t possibly expect me to actually have an opinion on something as complicated as this! The basis for the things I oppose is simply spite. Spite for the Democrats. If a Democrat supports it, I oppose it! Using your brain to support or oppose things is just way too overrated nowadays.
I own a private jet, and I love my private jet. Instead of helping out my less fortunate relatives living in shacks down south, I wanted more jets, so I stayed republican. I do agree with our policies, mainly on the basis of them being stupid and wrong, but that's an entirely separate issue from the fact that all I want is another jet! If stupid and wrong means a new F-20 WHY THE HELL DO I OWN THIS Tomcat, then I love to be stupid and wrong! I can see how that quick witted Sarah Palin supports abstinence-only education, because the fetus growing inside her seventeen year old daughter shows that she knows exactly how to be stupid and wrong! I can’t wait to have children so they can grow up to have more illegitimate children!
Being a republican brings me a lot of joy because of all the great things we do for people, even if it means making a majority of America hopeless and weak. We are like a secret squad of demons sent from Satan to make America as similar to the underworld as possible. We have been trying our best, and people should respect us more for it. As for me, my life as a republican Hossain 4 will be complete as long as Obama loses in the 2012 election. I do love America, but I love greenbacks more!