Favoritism

Playing Favorites
Who is mom and dad’s favorite? It is a question that siblings have fought and worried over since the dawn of time. As soon as they are old enough to think for themselves, kids are constantly watching how their parents treat their brothers and sisters, and, in most cases, wondering why their guardians do not distribute their affection equally. Parental favoritism is a very common problem among families that can have major negative effects on children.
Parental favoritism is a bigger issue than most people care to admit. “Although parents dismiss the notion, experts say mothers and fathers often do have favorites” says psychologist Diana Sugg, “And . . . [i]t helps shape whom a child becomes.” Parental favoritism has been occurring since biblical times. “Cain slew Abel after the Lord showed more ‘respect’ for Abel’s offering,” says Adele Faber, author of the best-selling book “Sibling Rivalry”, “And Joseph’s brothers threw him into a pit in the wilderness because their father loved Joseph more and gave him a coat of many colors” (qtd. in Towarnicky). This kind of family dynamic can influence the long term emotional development of the unfavored child. “These children are often emotionally scarred” (Sugg). In many ways, the relationship between child and parent is just as crucial when the child is an adult as when he/she is growing up. Even adults are often plagued by worries and doubts of their parents love for them. The individual is forever imprinted with the idea that he/she is not good enough, and that can in turn affect how he/she interacts with other people.
My childhood is a good example of someone having to put up with parental favoritism. I was the unwanted daughter born to parents who were wholeheartedly wishing for a son. I do not remember the first year of my life before my brother, Troy, was born; perhaps they treated me with love and affection then. But as long as I can recall, my year-younger sibling has been the object of my parent’s devotion. I do not know when I first had the revelation that I was treated with less warmth than my brother, I feel as if I have always known it to be true. Troy would always get more expensive Christmas presents waiting under the tree, and have much more elaborate birthday celebrations with dozens of friends and family coming to our home. I inquired about it once, and my mother said that it was just because my birthday and Christmas were so close in date, being only a month apart. Even as a five-year-old that answer didn’t make much sense to me. As my brother and I continued to age, the gap between our parents fondness of us became even more pronounced. When I became old enough to drive and got my license, my parents bought me a car, a 2000 grand am. I was ecstatic, I loved my car and I was grateful to my parents for giving it to me. I thought that maybe for once I actually had their favor. But then my brother got his license too. My parents decided to award him, even after failing his driver’s test twice, with a brand new 2011 pickup.
The whole situation frustrated me, and I began to work harder to gain their love. While my brother spent his free time partying, drinking and smoking pot with his friends, I studied. I kept my grades as close to perfect as was humanly possible. On the rare days I was not doing homework, I painted, or wrote poetry. I won awards for both, getting my poetry published and having my paintings featured in more than one art show. I also worked to perfect my singing voice, winning the highest rating possible at both regional and state competition, winning a talent show, and even doing a couple of my own concerts. But still my parents took no notice of me, bragging to their friends instead of the gun cabinet Troy had made in shop, or how Troy had made a particularly nice tackle in football. When I asked to hang out with my friends the answer was usually no, and on the rare occasions that I was allowed out I had a strict curfew of ten o’clock. However, my brother was free to come and go as he pleased, often getting home at two or three in the morning. On top of everything else, my parents began arguing more, resulting in my father drinking more than he usually did. I tried my hardest to stay out of his way, it was never a good idea to be around my father while he was under alcohol’s violent influence. But despite my best efforts, I did not always succeed, and I often ended up with angry black bruises covering my skin. But adding further evidence to my theory of favoritism, Troy was never subject to any of my father’s abuse.
Being the unfavored child in the house can affect children in two ways. As in my case, the child can use his or her frustration productively, as a motivation for success. Doctor Vera Rabie-Azoori illustrates this principle, saying “Disfavored children [often] use their anger aggressively to further their talents and interests” (qtd. in Mawhinny). The other way children sometimes deal with this pain is by becoming withdrawn, in extreme cases resorting to drugs and alcohol to try and erase the hurt. They lose all will to accomplish their goals, because they believe that they do not need to impress anyone. They often become moody, and “[these children] can be more anxious, neurotic, and susceptible to depression” (Sugg).
On the flipside, a child who is favored by his or her parents usually has a high self esteem and a more positive outlook on life. Dr. Frank Sulloway, a psychologist who studies how family dynamics affect personality development, states “the ‘favorites’ have higher IQs and are more verbal. They are [also] twenty percent more likely than nonfavored children to place on the high end of a conscientiousness scale” (qtd. in Sugg). However, favoritism can be a mixed blessing. With all the love and attention the parents are pouring upon the child, he or she often feels the need to excel, possibly pursuing his or her parent’s goals instead of his or her own. “These children may experience extra pressure to attend their father’s alma mater or excel in sports” says Dr. Fred Rothbaum, a child development professor at Tufts University (qtd. in Sugg). Favoritism also usually results in the unfavored child being angry at the favored one, resulting in a bitter sibling rivalry that can last for years.
Believe it or not, favoritism can also have lasting effects on parents. These resulting effects can be either harmful or beneficial. It can be extremely traumatizing for parents to realize, later in life, how badly they hurt the unfavored child. However, showing favoritism can also affect them in a positive way. “Older parents who have good relationship with their children do better psychologically” notes Dr. Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University (qtd. In Sugg). Favored children are likely to spend time with their parents later on in life, and are much more willing to undergo the emotional and financial strain of taking care of their disabled and or elderly mother and father.
Despite the obvious negative effects of parental favoritism, some people argue that not being favored and shown affection by your mother and father is not a big concern. They believe that unfavored children play up the severity of their condition in order to win empathy and pity from others. Ann Landers, a well-known columnist is one of these people. Her advice to the less loved children is to “Get over it. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission . . . Put on the ‘emotional raincoat’ and let their comments slide off.”
Although some critics insist on arguing otherwise, I believe parental favoritism is a very real problem which can have major effects on the lives of children- both favored and unfavored- and parents alike. And I think most people would agree with me in saying that this is an issue that parents should work to prevent in the future.

My audience is any member of a family who is affected by parental favoritism. My audience may include the unfavored child who is desperate to know there are others who share his or her problem, or parents who read this and hopefully realize they need to change their ways.

Works Cited
Landers, Ann. “Parents Favoritism Tearing Family Apart.” Tulsa World: 2. 1 Feb. 2000. ProQuest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013.
Mawhinney, Janice. “Family Favoritism a Common Problem, Psychologist Says.” The Ottawa Citizen: n. pag. 23 Jul. 2006. Proquest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013.
Sugg, Diana K. ‘“Mom Always Liked You More!’ ... Could it Be True?; Though Parents Deny Preferring Any One Child, a Study Finds Favoritism Not Only Exists But Also Strongly Influences Home Dynamics.” Los Angeles Times: 17 Jul. 2001. Proquest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013.
Towarnicky, Carol. “Parental Favoritism Fuels Sibling Rivalry.” The Ottawa Citizen: n. pag. 30 Jun. 2008. ProQuest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013.

Outline
Thesis statement: Parental favoritism is a very common problem among families that can have major negative effects on children.
1. Introduction
2. How it affects children
a. Effects on unfavored child
i. Positive effects ii. Negative effects
b. Effects on favored child
i. Positive effects ii. Negative effects
3. How it affects parents
a. Harmful
b. beneficial
4. Counterargument
5. Conclusion

Cited: Landers, Ann. “Parents Favoritism Tearing Family Apart.” Tulsa World: 2. 1 Feb. 2000. ProQuest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013. Mawhinney, Janice. “Family Favoritism a Common Problem, Psychologist Says.” The Ottawa Citizen: n. pag. 23 Jul. 2006. Proquest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013. Towarnicky, Carol. “Parental Favoritism Fuels Sibling Rivalry.” The Ottawa Citizen: n. pag. 30 Jun. 2008. ProQuest. Web. 3 Dec. 2013.