Fort Caspar Monologue
The nerve of some people! I can't believe it! Today we arrived at Fort Caspar,and we set up camp. As we were doing so, two of the cows, Mabel and iola, wandered off. It wasn’t such a big deal, as Jesse found them in a matter of minutes, but to Paul it was the end of everything. He let loose on Jesse for not doing his job correctly and at ben for not watching the cows closer, and then even and me for weighing him down on this trip! Honestly, I don’t see his logic there. I am doing no such thing as weigh him down, and the boys are doing the best they can. I saw it again, the crazy that lives somewhere within my husband, and I began to fear him. What a terrible thing for me to do. I should have more faith in him. He got angrier when he saw me
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begin to weep, and he hit me again. Just as my old bruise had begun to heal, h gave me another one. My father stepped in then, and told Paul off for treating his daughter that way. Paul said such nasty things to him that I had to cover little Caroline's ears. The whole thing was just too awful, and then Nate had to stop in. He must have heard all the yelling, and he came and stood by my father's side and yelled at Paul. Not long after that I left to help the other women with dinner. They all knew what had happened but none of them spoke to me about it. I could feel their eyes on my cheek when I looked away though. I figured that ought to be enough drama for one night, but i was wrong. As i was headed to bed, Nate came after me to talk. He apologized for the way Paul treated me, and said he couldn't stand to see me get pushed around like that.. That wasn't all though. He then told me I was still beautiful, even with the awful bruise, and then he leaned in and kissed me! I have cheated on Paul, and I know it is so wrong, but call me a sinner. I liked it.
Things with Paul are not looking up. We go to Independance Rock today, which should have been a reason to celebrate, but I guess we are a little behind. We were supposed to be here before the Fourth of July, but it is the 9th. We all took the time to carve our family name into the giant rock, but Paul didn’t want to be stopped for too long. He took his knife and carved our name into the stone among the hundreds of other names. It was amazing to see just how many names there were and to know how many other families had made the trip. I just wonder how many of them made it. After we did that we got right back in our wagons and moved on, leaving the large rock behind us. I’ve been talking to Nate nearly every night since we kissed. I am afraid to say it, but I think I’m falling for a man who isn't my husband, and he is falling for me as well. We really must learn not to act upon these feelings, but after so much neglect from Paul these last few months, I must admit it's nice to feel loved.
Another life has been lost on this day. Magdoline Cotton, the doctor’s wife, was off on her own last night, trying to find berries for her pie. She never returned. We went out to find her, but it wasn't until this morning that we found her, and by then it was too late. It's impossible to say for sure what happened, but Dan guesses that she tripped and broke her ankle trying to get back to camp. When they found her body, it was twisted at an unnatural angle. We assume that she couldn't make it back, and froze in the night. Oh what an awful way to go! If only she had invited another one of us along with her. Then perhaps we could have gotten her back. We must keep going though. We buried Magdoline and said a few prayers, then set out again. It wasn’t long after that before we reached south pass, and entered the mountains. If I thought the first part of the journey was hard, then this will be torture. I pray we make it to see Oregon.
It has been nearly two weeks since I have written and I apologize.
It seems that with all that is happening, I am just too tired to write much. That said, I will try and catch up. Our oxen, who are already tired from these few months of walking, are exhausted with these mountain grounds. Paul and the other men decided that we all must make a sacrifice, and dump some of our belongings to keep up speed. So him and I took a look in the back to see what we could spare, and for the first time in what seems like years, we agreed on something. My mothers chest had to go. It was a hard goodbye for my father, but he still has her portrait, so that helped. We left it on the side of the trail. It was so odd, seeing on of the last parts of my mother we have, sitting among weeds and dust. But we had no choice, it had to be done. Caroline has to walk much more now, because we can't afford any more stress on the oxen. All of our feet -hurt tremendously, and there are holes where our toes poke out of our shoes. Another big tragedy struck just a few days after Magdoline. Dan, her husband, lost control of his wagon for the first time in a while. This time was bad though. He got run over by his own wheels. He must not have been focused, still mourning for the lose of his wife. His daughter, Eve, saw the whole thing. I felt so bad for her losing both of her parents so close together, I convinced Paul to let her stay with us. Everyone felt terrible, even Paul was shaken up. So we have taken Eve in, and I am beginning to worry. She hasn't spoken a word since her mother's death, and she hardly eats anymore. I let her sleep in the tent with Caroline and I. I would hate for her to get sick. I figure it’s our duty to get Eve through this, and to take care of her when her parents can't. Not that I feel like much of a good mother anymore. These last few nights i have been sneaking off with Nate . At first we just talk, but now he kisses me goodnight every time we part. I know it is wrong
but i just can't help it. It feels so good just to escape it all for a few hours, and Nate is the perfect man to escape with.
Oh whatever shall I do? I’m afraid I’m in too deep with Nate now, and I just can’t make myself want to turn back. Here we are in Soda Springs, nearly to Oregon. In just a few months I am expected to start a new life with Paul, and would give anything not to have to. I am in love with Nate Page, and I can't bear to think about having to stop our little meetings. He is such a sweet caring, gentleman, and I am sure God is trying to punish me by making me want him so. I know he feels this way too, but for him, he has no guilt of cheating. His wife is long past. I know it is a terrible thing t wish upon, but I wish Paul were too. Oh how I wounder why I ever married that vile man in the first place. If I once loved hi, I am certain I no longer feel that way. Whatever am I to Do I can’t leave, apul, his outrage would be so fierce, I probably wouldn’t survive. ANd anyways, I can’t leave my children. They are by far the best thing that came out of Paul and I’s marriage. Does this mean I must put aw my feelings, and stay with Paul, even if everything inside me tells me not to? I don’t know what to do! All i know is that what Nate and I have is real, and what paul and I once had is dead.
begin to weep, and he hit me again. Just as my old bruise had begun to heal, h gave me another one. My father stepped in then, and told Paul off for treating his daughter that way. Paul said such nasty things to him that I had to cover little Caroline's ears. The whole thing was just too awful, and then Nate had to stop in. He must have heard all the yelling, and he came and stood by my father's side and yelled at Paul. Not long after that I left to help the other women with dinner. They all knew what had happened but none of them spoke to me about it. I could feel their eyes on my cheek when I looked away though. I figured that ought to be enough drama for one night, but i was wrong. As i was headed to bed, Nate came after me to talk. He apologized for the way Paul treated me, and said he couldn't stand to see me get pushed around like that.. That wasn't all though. He then told me I was still beautiful, even with the awful bruise, and then he leaned in and kissed me! I have cheated on Paul, and I know it is so wrong, but call me a sinner. I liked it.
Things with Paul are not looking up. We go to Independance Rock today, which should have been a reason to celebrate, but I guess we are a little behind. We were supposed to be here before the Fourth of July, but it is the 9th. We all took the time to carve our family name into the giant rock, but Paul didn’t want to be stopped for too long. He took his knife and carved our name into the stone among the hundreds of other names. It was amazing to see just how many names there were and to know how many other families had made the trip. I just wonder how many of them made it. After we did that we got right back in our wagons and moved on, leaving the large rock behind us. I’ve been talking to Nate nearly every night since we kissed. I am afraid to say it, but I think I’m falling for a man who isn't my husband, and he is falling for me as well. We really must learn not to act upon these feelings, but after so much neglect from Paul these last few months, I must admit it's nice to feel loved.
Another life has been lost on this day. Magdoline Cotton, the doctor’s wife, was off on her own last night, trying to find berries for her pie. She never returned. We went out to find her, but it wasn't until this morning that we found her, and by then it was too late. It's impossible to say for sure what happened, but Dan guesses that she tripped and broke her ankle trying to get back to camp. When they found her body, it was twisted at an unnatural angle. We assume that she couldn't make it back, and froze in the night. Oh what an awful way to go! If only she had invited another one of us along with her. Then perhaps we could have gotten her back. We must keep going though. We buried Magdoline and said a few prayers, then set out again. It wasn’t long after that before we reached south pass, and entered the mountains. If I thought the first part of the journey was hard, then this will be torture. I pray we make it to see Oregon.
It has been nearly two weeks since I have written and I apologize.
It seems that with all that is happening, I am just too tired to write much. That said, I will try and catch up. Our oxen, who are already tired from these few months of walking, are exhausted with these mountain grounds. Paul and the other men decided that we all must make a sacrifice, and dump some of our belongings to keep up speed. So him and I took a look in the back to see what we could spare, and for the first time in what seems like years, we agreed on something. My mothers chest had to go. It was a hard goodbye for my father, but he still has her portrait, so that helped. We left it on the side of the trail. It was so odd, seeing on of the last parts of my mother we have, sitting among weeds and dust. But we had no choice, it had to be done. Caroline has to walk much more now, because we can't afford any more stress on the oxen. All of our feet -hurt tremendously, and there are holes where our toes poke out of our shoes. Another big tragedy struck just a few days after Magdoline. Dan, her husband, lost control of his wagon for the first time in a while. This time was bad though. He got run over by his own wheels. He must not have been focused, still mourning for the lose of his wife. His daughter, Eve, saw the whole thing. I felt so bad for her losing both of her parents so close together, I convinced Paul to let her stay with us. Everyone felt terrible, even Paul was shaken up. So we have taken Eve in, and I am beginning to worry. She hasn't spoken a word since her mother's death, and she hardly eats anymore. I let her sleep in the tent with Caroline and I. I would hate for her to get sick. I figure it’s our duty to get Eve through this, and to take care of her when her parents can't. Not that I feel like much of a good mother anymore. These last few nights i have been sneaking off with Nate . At first we just talk, but now he kisses me goodnight every time we part. I know it is wrong
but i just can't help it. It feels so good just to escape it all for a few hours, and Nate is the perfect man to escape with.
Oh whatever shall I do? I’m afraid I’m in too deep with Nate now, and I just can’t make myself want to turn back. Here we are in Soda Springs, nearly to Oregon. In just a few months I am expected to start a new life with Paul, and would give anything not to have to. I am in love with Nate Page, and I can't bear to think about having to stop our little meetings. He is such a sweet caring, gentleman, and I am sure God is trying to punish me by making me want him so. I know he feels this way too, but for him, he has no guilt of cheating. His wife is long past. I know it is a terrible thing t wish upon, but I wish Paul were too. Oh how I wounder why I ever married that vile man in the first place. If I once loved hi, I am certain I no longer feel that way. Whatever am I to Do I can’t leave, apul, his outrage would be so fierce, I probably wouldn’t survive. ANd anyways, I can’t leave my children. They are by far the best thing that came out of Paul and I’s marriage. Does this mean I must put aw my feelings, and stay with Paul, even if everything inside me tells me not to? I don’t know what to do! All i know is that what Nate and I have is real, and what paul and I once had is dead.