God, Help Me.

Prologue
Keith
I sat on the nearby bench near the nurse station. Jillian came through the glass doors, searching for a skinny guy with round eye-glasses. Oh, that should probably be me. Yup, that’s me. I called her earlier today to meet me here. I don’t know why I did. But it just felt… appropriate.
She saw sitting there, and gave me an inquisitive air. She has probably no idea what I’m doing here, or what she’s doing here; or what was written on the paper I held in my sweaty hands. I motioned for her to sit down beside me, and she did. She gaped at the white sheet document I was holding, and without doubt, I gave it to her. Well, I didn’t know what to say, or where to begin, so I just did what I had in my mind. At first she was shocked, and then I saw a hint of pity; no, more like empathy. There’s a difference between the two. Pity, there’s just sadness all over it. But empathy, it’s the ability to understand the feelings of that person. And that’s what I saw on her face.
After the deafening silence between the two of us, I finally spoke. I explained everything, well not literally everything; just the important things she needs to know. I told her the ‘bad’ thing that happened to me. I just found out about it last week, and I still feel very terrible about it. My parents talked about giving me therapy, but I didn’t agree. I would never make it. They understood, but mom cried about it for hours in their room. Dad did his best to comfort her. And I’m very grateful for that. Now, I just need to fix things. And I’m starting now.
“Wait, wait. Why are you telling me this?” She finally said, after I explained.
“Because… I don’t know. I just…” I said, trailing off.
“Okay. Fine. You don’t need to explain. But what about P-“
“I haven’t thought of that yet…” I cut her sentence before she finishes it.
“Well, she has to know. I mean she’s your girl-“
“Don’t say that…She’s not my girlfriend! She doesn’t even know.” I cut her again.
“Chicken.” She mocked.
“I know I’m a ‘chicken’. I just care about her a lot. You know, I care about 10 years of our friendship. I can’t afford to lose that. And besides, somebody else is ‘after’ her.” I said sincerely.
“’After’ her. I like your choice of words.” She laughed, even though I know she’s also depressed.
“Just remember the plan. Okay?”
“Yeah, I got it nerd.” She teased again.
“Hey! I am not a nerd.” I defended. My best friend told me that I’m not, and that my eye-glasses make me look like a genius.
“Listen, just be brave for once in your life. You can’t leave ‘this’ world without…”
“Yes. I will. And I won’t regret it. I just hope she doesn’t…”
-------------------------------------------------

Saturday night. Whew! I’m feeling kinda nervous. But you know what they say, it’s now or never! Jillian helped me with the set up; of course, she was my apprentice after all. I decided to make my surprise under our old oak tree. I just think that it would be cute. I don’t want to make it ‘seriously romantic’, because she probably would freak out and shout at me, and feel very awkward after I confess. I don’t want that. I just want this night to be happy for the two of us.

Anyways, we arranged lanterns everywhere so the lights where beautiful. I knew she liked lanterns. I remembered last Christmas; we lit up about a hundred lanterns. We had so much fun doing it. I decided to prepare a pick for the two of us. Again, I just want to make it light and friendly. I picked up her favorite food, chicken, ice cream, coffee jelly and of course; our personal favorite, Sour Glow Worms. I also bought her a purple teddy bear so she would always remember me. She could hug it, cry on it, talk to it when she’s having a bad time. I know she’ll love it. I’m just hopeful tonight.

I got really nervous. She will be here any minute now. I kept walking back and forth until Jillian got dizzy and told me to sit down. But I can’t

“Can you just stop for a minute?”
“Oh, I can’t I’m like this when I’m anxious.”
“Hmmm…”
“What are you thinking?”
“I think the two of you should dance tonight.”
“Oh, you think? Why?”
“To have fun .” She’s right we should have fun tonight. You know, I may not make it to prom. I may not have the chance to dance with her, to take her to the dance floor. It would really make me sad. Jillian’s right. I should dance with my best friend tonight. Without knowing it, she turned on the cassette and held my hand. The next thing I knew, we were dancing.
“Ugh, you’re awful! You should practice before she gets here, or else she’ll laugh at you.”
“Okay then.” We were dancing like insane people and laughing hard. But she was teaching me how to dance at the same time. I hope she likes it.
“Hey nerd, what are going to say to her?” We danced slowly.
“Hmmm… Let me think.” I thought for about 5 minutes.
“Make it sincere.” She advised.
“Okay. Here it goes.” I took a deep breath. I imagined her standing in front of me. ”Penn, we’ve been best friends since forever. You were with me through my ups and downs. You never left me. I thank God because he gave me you. Through the years, I saw you grow into an amazing, wonderful, beautiful young woman. And I got uglier when I got braces and these weird glasses,” I said smiling, “But you still look at me with the same eyes, you never judged me. And that’s… that’s how I learned to love you. I’m telling you now. I love you.” Wow! I never thought I’d say that. My hands were sweating like waterfalls. But I’m really glad that I know the words to say all I have to do is to wait for her to come. She would come any minute now. And that’s when I saw her standing near the see-saw. Her face flabbergasted.
“Pe-penn, I can explain.” I said walking towards her, she took a step back. Her expression changed into dismay.
“Please Penn, I can explain… I-I…” I trailed off. I don’t know what to do.
The next thing I knew, she went away, ran back to wherever she came from; and left me here with thoughts, confusion, regrets in my mind. After five minutes of standing still, I told Jillian to go home. She asked if I’m gonna be okay, I told her that I didn’t know and that she needed to go home. She did, and I was left alone.

Chapter 1
Penn
I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired. Everything’s a blur. I don’t know what to do. Things were so easy back then. It didn’t have to be this complicated. Why’d you leave? I thought we were best friends. How could you be gone so fast? You used to be on my side, all the time. You promised me that we’d do everything together. You’d be there on Graduation. You’ll be bringing a gift with on my birthday. You wouldn’t miss it. You’d scold me for staying in the rain because you know that’ll give me colds. In return, I’d scold you for not eating your lunch. Oh, if you just look at yourself. You’re such a bookworm. You read all day; you forget other things like eating, and then people bully you. And you pity yourself. I hate seeing you like that. I hate it when you know something and yet you don’t share it with me. We’re best friends, we have no secrets. Remember? I hate it because ‘somebody’ knew first before I did. I’m supposed to know everything first. You’re so unfair, best. I tell you everything, I told you everything there is to know about me. You knew how I got my scar on my left arm. You said, “How stupid of you”, but we just laughed it off. You knew what happened to me when I was in my mother’s tummy. It’s really embarrassing. I saw you, you we’re smiling at me. But I made you promise me that you wouldn’t laugh if I told you. You knew my crush’s name and I knew yours when you were in third grade. That proves you’re not gay. I knew you were a boy; you’re just… not that tough. I really get jealous when you’re laughing so hard about a lame joke in a book. Yeah, you made me jealous about a book. I should be the one making you laugh like that. But all of this bitterness goes away when you hold my hands in yours. I love it when you secretly make fun of people walking around; the people that made bad jokes about you. It’s hilarious when you talk funny, and you make faces when I’m bored or sad. We were happy. You made me happy. These past few days, I noticed something was wrong. We were constantly arguing. Stupid. I never knew that we were wasting time…until now. I can’t believe you’re gone now. You went somewhere far away and I don’t think I can reach you anymore. The thought of you leaving me, here, alone, makes me sick. But, where are you right now? You’re nowhere to be seen. You left me. This isn’t the time. Not yet. I never wanted this to happen. I love you… as my best friend. I can’t lose you right now. But reality strikes me again… I already did. The hardest part is that I’m the reason why this is happening. If I hadn’t done that, that one mistake, that stupid little thing, I wouldn’t be here right now. You wouldn’t be in that…that…box. Forever away from me, never will come back. God, I miss you so much. I’ll regret this, my whole life. I could never forgive myself for what I’ve done. I’ll take this burden forever. I’ll never forget this. I’d take it to the grave with me. Knowing that if you were still alive, you wouldn’t able to forgive me for what I’ve done. It hurts me when I think that you’ll never hear this from me because you’re already…dead. I could never ever say sorry to you. I’d never hear the words: “I love you” again, even if you say it jokingly. I could never hold on to your hand when life gets bad, or put my head on your shoulders when I fail a test. I can’t hug nor touch you anymore. I can no longer tell you how much I love your jokes even if they weren’t that funny. They’re really corny, you know. You wouldn’t be able to hear the line “I hate you” when I’m mad or angry or crazy. I will never feel your geeky sweetness towards me ever again, all because of that idiotic thing I did. I’ll never get this guilt out of me. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch somebody in the face. But even if I did, this will never change: you’re gone because of me. It’s a fact. It’s something that is true, something that nobody can change. I can’t bring back time. I can’t bring you back…back to me. No matter how badly I want this to happen, I can’t do anything about it. It’s already done. No matter how hard I try, nothing’s gonna happen. This is so frustrating. Wait, I have an idea. What if I come after you? You know, follow you there… This will really make things right. There’s justice in this. Nobody’s got to pay the price anymore. I just need to give myself up. That’s it. It’ll make things easier… for everyone. I just have to come up with the perfect excuse, or a, suicide letter! Damn. We promised we wouldn’t commit suicide. Hell no. Don’t you know that that’s the worst possible thing we could promise to each other? Well, I didn’t know until now. Damn it, I can’t think right. Argh. Can you please just come back? Please. I need you. I am so desperate. They tell me to move on. Well, those idiots know nothing. They don’t feel the way I feel. All they know are those stupid quotes. Trash. They’ll never know how it feels to be responsible for somebody’s death. And that somebody is my best friend. And I can never ever do something about it. Do I have a choice? I can’t just sit around here and wait for something to happen. Nothing’s gonna happen. And even if I do, it’s not gonna bring you back. Please come back. Please do come back. I need you now. If I can just…just reverse things or do some kind of flash back, I’d do it. I’ll never waste time again. It’s okay if you make me cry or do something stupid. This time I won’t over react. I won’t be such a pain in the butt. I’ll never say “I hate you” even if I really feel like I hate you for hitting on those popular mean girls. They don’t care about you. I do. I’d take you back. We keep all our promises, start over again. I won’t get mad at you so easily for not looking at me when I’m telling you something. You keep hiding your face in that little book of yours. I’d spend every possible time just to be with you. I won’t waste it. I won’t get angry if some knew your secret first. If you have difficulties in Chemistry again, don’t hesitate asking me. Fine, I’ll buy you that junior novel on your birthday. Just, please come back. I want to do it all over again…

Dear God,
Please, make it happen. I know you can do anything. I’m sorry for everything… everything I’ve done. I didn’t mean those things I said. I was just angry, that’s all. If you just know how much I regret saying those things. You know how much I want to do things all over again. I want to change them. Please God, I’m begging you. This is the last thing I’ll ever ask you. Please make her come back. I’d do anything for that. Well, except for selling my soul to the Devil. That won’t happen. Okay, make me ugly. I know I’m the most beautiful girl at school and it would ruin my whole reputation if you fill my face with pimples and black heads and maybe some boils. I deserve it anyway. Make my skin dark, or destroy my complexion. Make me shorter or whatever. Take away my brains or something. I’m stupid anyway. Well, that’s what I feel right now. Stupid. Brainless. Idiot. Moron. Heartless..? Oh, please. I can’t help it. I honestly don’t know what to do without him. The time is not right. Not now… or ever? I just can’t… lose him right now. We still have lots of things to do. Together, side by side. I just can’t bear the thought that we’ll never be able to do those things. God, I’m making a deal with you. Make him come back and I’ll do anything for you. If not, take me away. I don’t want to live a life like this one. I sound like I’m ungrateful, but I might only ruin things more if I stay here. I’m doing this for myself. I am being selfish because I can’t do this anymore. This is all I want… need. Give me peace.

Keith
“Hey son”, someone said to me. I don’t if he’s talking to me or what, but that’s what I heard. There’s nobody in here except us. Actually, I can’t see him, but I know he’s there… somewhere. I can’t see anything. It’s all white ang bright. I think I passed out or something like that. What the hell happened? I can’t seem to remember anything. Where am I anyway? I’m so freaking out right now. Maybe I’m in a hospital? It’s all white.
“Hello?” I called to the man who was calling me earlier.
“Is anybody here?” no one’s answering.
“Do you know where you are?” thank God someone’s here. I just don’t know his name yet.
“I don’t know. Do you?” I tried to stand but I think it’s not possible. I’m floating. Oh no, I’m hallucinating again. I really need to eat three times a day.
“Find out for yourself, Keith.” He knows my name.
“How did you-? “.
“You’ll see. Come with me? Let’s have a talk.” In times like this, ask yourself: Do I have a choice? So I just followed him. I can’t see his face but I think he’s kinda handsome… and nice. I can’t make out his features too. I just know he’s wearing white and he has a beard.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked.
“You should know. You talk to me all the time.” Man, I have no idea who this man is. This is so confusing. There’s bright light everywhere. Then I saw a very long table full of delicious food and beverages I don’t even know exists. Oh, that’s ice cream, all right. It’s weird though, I’m not hungry. I always drool over an ice cream, and yet I’m not drooling over this one. There’s chicken, and pasta, and French fries, and fruits. How can I not be hungry? This is so unacceptable. As we walked, or floated, I saw the pathway. It’s gold, pure gold. My jaw nearly dropped at the sight of those shiny golden things. They’re round and I think I saw some names encrypted on those golden things. Abraham. Jacob. Joseph. Moses. I must be inside a museum. I guess. Then I saw how beautiful this place is. It’s fancy and grand. There are marvelous designs on the walls of every house we saw. There are palaces I’ve never seen before, in books or even in the internet. God, these trees are beautiful. Their long branches extended. They bear fruits too, but I’m not familiar with them. And I just noticed that there are people in here too. They all look happy and joyful. I see smiles on their lips. I hear people laughing and telling stories… stories about their lives. They must be having a reunion, I guess. Another thing I noticed is that, they’re all wearing crowns. What’s up with these people? What’s up with this place anyway? I swear it’s so weird; I’m beginning to feel a little bit anxious.
“Over here, Keith.” The man called out to me.
“Please tell me what’s going on.” It’s more of a request, but it feels like pleading. I really want to know what’s happening.
“Very well.” He started.
“First of all, you’re dead.”
Penn
“Penn, you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine, don’t worry ‘bout me..”
“You’re not.”
“I am.”
“Need a hug?”
“No.”
“Come here, you little warrior.”
Maybe I could use a hug. Sam’s a good friend. He was with me in the cemetery. He mourned with me. Sam and Keith aren’t that close but, I know Sam did this for me. They actually hated each other. They couldn’t agree on anything. Well, except for teasing me but there’s nothing more to that. It’s just that, Keith doesn’t like Sam. He thinks he’s looking for ‘something’ more than friendship with me. I said that we’re just friends and there’s nothing more than that. I know that he’s just afraid that if I got a boy friend, we’ll never be able to do what best friends do. He’s afraid to lose me, well not literally lose but… just scared to lose attention, my attention. I told him that wouldn’t happen but it’s no use. He wouldn’t believe me. But I think there’s something more than that… And I also told him that I’ll be focusing on my studies. I’m on top of the class. Ridiculous thoughts. Sam, on the other hand is a good companion. I always laugh at his jokes. And even if he was teasing me, I couldn’t help but smile. He calls me “Piglet” because I’m fat. But I think it’s kinda cute. Keith says that I look just fine. See, they couldn’t agree on that. And Sam says that I’m a “warrior” ‘cause I like punching him. He’s my punching bag. Keith says I’m very gentle and warm. That’s sweet. But I don’t get it. They saw two different sides of me and yet they’re not friends. Opposites attract, but they’re repelling. Maybe Keith and Sam are two very different people, I conclude. Sam is… worthy of my trust. I trust him; not like Kris. He’s a liar. These past few weeks, we were continuously fighting because Keith is hiding something from me. I over reacted again, I guess. What he did isn’t that bad. It’s just me. That’s the reason why all of these happened. I got so mad at him. I didn’t talk to him for three days. I can bear the thought of my life without him. Anger. Stupidity. He was very tiring. So, I decided not to talk to him. Sam made it easy. Honestly, he was more of a best friend to me than Keith, these past few weeks. It’s the truth. But I could never tell that to Keith. It would break his tiny heart. He’s soft hearted you know, and sensitive. But I just don’t understand him anymore. There’s just something wrong. Something has changed. I don’t know if it’s me or Keith. Damn. I hate comparing them. But why do I always do? That totally sucks. Keith. He has a tendency to make me cry, even now in death. My God, Keith. Why do you make it so hard for me? You’re dead, but you’re still here… in my mind… in my heart. Even if you always make my tears fall from my eyes, why can I still say that you’re a great friend? That I’m lucky to have you? That I can’t do this without you? I’m suffering because of my dead best friend. Don’t worry Keith, I won’t forget you. It’s as if you are still alive. You will always be alive to me. You won’t die with your memories. I’ll keep them with me. I’ll never be able to forget you.

Sam

The burial just ended. I’m very tired. I haven’t had sleep yet. Penn would call me three in the morning just to cry on the phone. Now tell me, how could I sleep? Oh. She’s really sad; blaming herself for some one’s death; her best friend, particularly. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if that’s the case. I might even commit suicide. I’m sure Penn wouldn’t do that, she’s my warrior, I mean, a warrior. I know she could do this on her own, but I’m still here for her. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving her. I’d do anything. I hate Keith Andrews. Even in death, he’s making Penn cry. That’s so bad. He’s an idiot for hurting Penn like that. Then what? He’d die just like that? Leaving Penn so vulnerable? That’s so like him. He just, carelessly leaves something if he can’t fix it. That sucks. What a chicken! Leaving Penn is the worst thing he could do. It’s the last thing on the list. He’s dead and he’s still hurting Penn. Amazing. Well done. Perfect. People should idolize him. He’s a role model. People, hurt your best friends then die. What a great idea! He’s a good friend, the best you’ll ever have. He’s great, isn’t he? And do you know what the best part is? Penn loves him. Penn loves him so dearly. I don’t get it. I just don’t know how, how is it possible for her to love someone who relentlessly hurt her feelings; who broke her trust. Is that how it is? Is it supposed to be like that? Friends hurting friends? Friends suffering because of friends? Friendships are supposed to be fun not full of hardships. There are sacrifices, yes, but not like this. It’s something beyond friendship that’s keeping them together. It’s enduring and understanding things that can’t be explained by words. There are things that cannot be expressed in a usual way. It’s the heart that matters the most. That’s true friendship. Maybe I judged Keith. Well, I don’t know the whole story but I’m already concluding things. Is it too early for judgment? I feel bad for having said these things. I’m just so frustrated. Our situation right now is very depressing. I need to take my mind off things, and so as Penn. I hate seeing her cry. In a few days or weeks, I hope things would be better... for the two of us.

Keith

“Oh.” That’s all I could say. “The good news is, obviously, you’re in heaven.”
“Uhmm… How’s that possible?” I asked like a child asking his father a silly question. My Guardian Angel just laughed at me. He’s not really my Guardian Angel, but I decided to call him that since I couldn’t figure out who he is. Then it hit me. “God.”
“Yup. That’s me.” I was so embarrassed. “Oh my God, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, my child.” It’s so good to hear the words “my child” from God, himself. I feel very important and honored.
“I don’t remember anything.”
“You’re not supposed to.” “Isn’t that kinda sad, God?” “You won’t get sad here. You’re in heaven… with me.” He smiled. His aura, it’s so inviting and welcoming. I feel like a child returning home from a very long journey. I was glad. “Right.”
“But there’s something wrong, Keith.” Saying those words made me feel anxious. It made my hair at the back of my neck rise.
“I don’t belong here?” I said feeling nervous.
“Of course not. Your name is written in the Book of Life.”
“Oh, thank God.”
“It’s your best friend, Keith.” His face grew serious.
My best friend. Penn. The crash. The accident. Oh, Penn.
“I can’t believe I forgot her.”
“Like I said, you’re not supposed to remember anything.” He is now smiling.
“Did she die too? If she did, where is she right now?” Panic rose from my voice.
“I know you’re thinking that she’s dead and suffering in hell. But she’s not.”
It’s ironic. I’m in heaven and yet I’m stressed. Isn’t that a little bit abnormal? I just smiled. I’m at lost for words. I’m just happy that she’s still alive.
“Then there’s nothing wrong.” I finally said.
“Keith, she’s so depressed. She’s blaming herself for your death.”
Then it all came back. I remember now…

“Penn don’t be ridiculous.”
“I hate you. Get away from me.”
“Why won’t you believe me? I’m telling the truth.”
“Because you’re a liar, Keith. I thought you were honest with me. I never thought you could do this to me.”
We were fighting … for the first time. I was chasing her, literally. I could tell that she doesn’t like to talk to me, from the tone of her voice.
“But… But… I’m sorry, okay? Please don’t be mad.” I said desperately. I’m so freaking tired of this… this is none sense. We were wasting time. I’m about to leave school. How could she act like that? It’s so frustrating. We’re on the street now; still arguing about something stupid; like immature little kids.
“You said that before; like yesterday.”
“Well, you acted like that before; like yesterday. You don’t listen to me. I’m your freakin’ best friend for Pete’s sake! ” I talked back. She’s furious now. I’m growing tired.
“So, that’s your version of the story?”
“I could tell that yours is different.”
“I’m never gonna talk to you again. Don’t talk to me. Leave me alone.”
“I’ll do that when you get ugly.” It’s supposed to be sweet, because she’ll always be beautiful to me whatever happens. But it’s not working.
“I’m serious, Keith.”
“So am I, Penn. Please, let’s stop fighting. I hate this.” We stopped walking, and so as the world.
“You hate fighting? What a joke. If you hate fighting with me, you wouldn’t lie to me. Yeah, you’re right. You are my best friend. I trusted you. And this is how you repay me? With what happened last Saturday? Saying that… that… crap? Liar.”
“I wasn’t lying. I’m just… keeping a secret. I was going to tell you, I didn’t want to keep it anymore. You saw that. Jillian saw that. You know that.”
“But we promised that we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. No secrets, remember?” From the look of her face, I know that she’s yearning for answers.
“But this is different, Penn. There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you. But you never gave me that chance. After what you saw… You thought wrong.” I explained, hating the things that I knew were running through her mind.
“Fine.” She said coldly. Then she started walking away.
“Penn, please. Just stop.” I help her arm.
“Go to hell, Keith. I don’t need you.” Ouch. That hurts. That really hurts. Hearing Penn say those words; oh, I can’t describe the feeling. It’s so not good. Those lines made me weak inside.
“How could you say that to me? I’ve been trying so freaking hard.”
“Well, it’s not paying off. Goodbye.”
She turned away from me. She was about to cross the street.
“Stop, Penn.”
“I have nothing to say to you.” She said firmly.
“Can we not fight on the road? It’s dangerous.” I don’t know what to say. She’s really walking away now. Then a car came rushing by. It’s really fast; I think the car’s brakes are broken.
“Penn, look out!” I pushed her.
Thud. Screaming people. Penn crying.
For a second, I felt nothing. It’s all numb. Then I felt something caressing my hand. I looked at it, and I saw my hand crisscrossed with Penn’s.
“Keith, I’m sorry.” Penn said softly, crying.
“Are you alright? Does it hurt?” I said. All I could think of is if Penn is alright. She smiled, but it seems like my words made her cry more. Then the noise faded away. Everything seemed to stop. I can’t talk anymore. I just saw Penn’s face.
After that, there’s nothing but white.

Keith

“That’s it?” And my mind went back to now; in heaven. My mind just raced back to Penn, but when God spoke, it all went away.
“Yes. That’s all I remember.” I said, sadly. I don’t remember being brought to the hospital or what; that’s just it.
“The truth is, you’ve been just buried; like five minutes ago.” That’s odd.
“Uhmm… thanks for saying that?” Honestly, I don’t know how to respond to that given information about my death. I mean, how are you supposed to react to that? You don’t hear things like that every day. I’m totally not ready to hear that. And God laughed again.
“You are funny.” I knew I was funny, I knew it. But no one believes me that except for Penn, I think.
“I have to go back.”
“You’re already in heaven. There’s no turning back.”
“But… what about Penn? What happened to her?”
“You won’t like it, Keith.”
“Please God, help me. Help us.”
“I’ve always been helping you, ever since.” He smiled.
“I never got the chance to say sorry to her; to say that I love her; to fix things up; to tell her all my secrets; to confess.” I said to God. The memories came back. All of it; fresh in my mind. He knew that I would say that, long before I ever thought of saying it. He knows everything. I don’t even have to mention the words. He knows me more than I know myself.
“I’ll let you visit her… in a dream.” I thought for a while. I just want to see her; give my last few words. I just… want to say goodbye.
“Let’s do this.”

Chapter 4

Penn

I can’t sleep. It’s 11:38 p.m. Sam talked to me about an hour ago. He made me feel a little better, but… it’s no use. I haven’t slept for three days. I can’t find peace. Everything’s so messed up. I can’t eat too. I’ve no appetite. Good for me, I’m on a natural diet. Oh, right. I forgot. Keith doesn’t like me being on a diet. He hates it when I do that. He wants me to stay chubby… for no particular reason. He wouldn’t tell me why, and I couldn’t figure it out either. Time check: 11:40 p.m... Time seems to slow down since the accident. I feel very human, so vulnerable, and so weak. I can feel everything and most of it is pain. I’m hurting. I hate being so emotional but I always end up like that. Oh, damn these tears. They’re flowing again. Every drop hurts; every tear for my late ‘nerd’ best friend, Keith. I’m tired. I’m so tired.

Dear God,
Help me sleep tonight. I hope that when I open my eyes, they won’t cry anymore. They’ve grown tired too, and so as my heart. I wonder, if I stop loving my best friend, would I stop hurting too? But it’s his memories that are important. If that’s what’s keeping him alive for me, I’d keep it. I will. God, he’s with you, right? I know he’s there. I know he’ll be happy. He won’t get hungry. He won’t get hurt. He won’t suffer from asthma. He won’t get colds. He won’t feel pain, or anger, or sadness. He will never again feel what I feel right now. It would be perfect for him. Honestly, I just want to talk to him again; for one last time. I just want to be with him… even if it’s just a dream.

Penn

“Penn,” I heard someone whisper in my ear very softly. Very distant.
“Penn.” I heard my name for the second time; this time, firmer and clearer. The voice seemed familiar too. I was still lying in my bed; still sleepy. My door slowly opened, but not in a creepy way. Then bright light filled the room. I felt someone sit at the edge of my bed. The room looks different too. It seems like my bed is the only thing in this room. I can’t see the chairs, my table, the couch, my drawer, my cabinet, my laptop; everything’s gone except for my bed. The urge to open my eyes is very intense. So I did, I opened my eyes. I saw I silhouette of a person. A boy. He was calling me. His back was on me, but I recognized him at first sight.
Keith, my best friend.
“Sorry for waking you up, Penn.” He spoke. It made me breathless. I was totally stuck at the moment. I don’t know what to say.
“Kei-Keith.” I murmured.
“I’m sorry for what happened. I never should’ve done that.”
“It was my fault.”
“Please, don’t blame yourself. Don’t do that. It’s not… healthy.”
It’s not healthy. He says that after I cry whenever I have a problem, or we fought for an immature thing. He doesn’t want me to feel sad for him anymore. He knows I’m hurting. He still cares for me. I’m fighting back the tears.
“You left me so early, Keith.” I blurted.
“I told you we shouldn’t fight on the road.” He said, smiling; in a very casual way.
“I don’t deserve another life.”
“Of course you do. You should take good care of it, it’s from God.” He said smiling, and pinching my cheeks at the same time.
“I can’t… can’t do this without you. We do everything together. I’m the reason why you died. I can’t forgive myself.” I said, guilt filling my voice.
“God already forgave you… a long time ago. And you should too. It was an accident, it was unexpected. God used me to save you, for you to live for Him. You won’t waste it, will you? Promise me, Penn.”
Oh God, I can’t hold back the tears any longer. He’s facing me now. And he’s incredibly handsome.
“Oh, Keith.” That’s all I could say.
“I love you, Penn. I’ll see you in a couple of years. Always be careful, especially on the road.” He’s so calm and full of peace. And I’m so messed up. My eyes are swollen, my hair unfixed, my stomach’s empty. And he’s perfect.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” He smiled and kissed me on the forehead. I remembered the first time he kissed me on the forehead. He says it’s a sign of trust and loyalty. Best friends’ thing. I can’t stop crying.
“Don’t leave. Please.” I pleaded.
“I have to go now, Penn. This isn’t goodbye. We will see each other again, but I hope not very soon. Keep faith. You can do this. I know you can.”
“I love you too, Keith. I won’t forget you.”
He smiled at me for one last time. He didn’t say anything. But I see happiness in his eyes. Peace from his lips, and being free at last; free of pain and tears, and agony. He’s coming home finally. I really felt happy for him. It gave me some kind of peace.
He touched my hand for one last time; it’s so warm.
“Goodnight, Penn. Don’t forget to wake up.”

Sam

“Babe,” I said to Penn with a smirk.
“Who are you calling Babe?” Penn answered with one eyebrow raised.
“You.”
“Shut up, Sam.”
Damn. I wish I could ‘really’ call her that. But she won’t like it.
”Have you ever watched that movie?”
“Which one?” Asked Penn, curious.
“You know. Babe: Pig in the City.” I told her, laughing.
”Not funny.” She smiled a little bit and punched me in the arm.
“That’s you, Penn. Babe.” I said, teasing her. But she just smiled and said nothing.
It seems like something’s bothering her. And I don’t know what that is.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her. She’s really quiet right now.
“Nothing.”
I thought for a while. Something’s not right.
“Did you sleep well last night?” I finally asked her.
”Yeah, of course..” Her eyes widened.
“Are you sure?” I asked, not believing her.
“Yes.” She answered right away.
“Had any dreams… dreams… nightmares?” I really want to know what’s going on.
“No. None.” She told me, not looking into my eyes. She’s hiding something from me, well aside from her fats. Just kidding.
“So what’s the nightmare about?” I’m not giving up just yet. The weird thing is, she didn’t say anything. She just… looked at me for a second and then her eyes went to the skies. Just staring… maybe daydreaming. Beyond those eyes, I know something’s happening. Sadness. That’s all there is. I can see it now.
“It’s Keith, isn’t it?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“I’ll buy you ice cream if you tell me.” I bribed her.
But she just smiled. Hell, something’s happening.
“It’s nothing, Sam.” She told me.
“Keith means a lot to you, so don’t tell me it’s nothing.” I argued.
“I just had a dream, that’s all.” She said plainly, without any emotion.
“You saw the accident again, or something?” I really want to know but Penn doesn’t want to talk about it.
“I just don’t wanna talk about it, Sam.” She’s looking me in the eyes right now. I can’t stop staring at those dark eyes. She’s so cute… but serious.
“Oh… okay. But if you want to talk about something, I’ll be here.” I assured her.
“Besides, I’m already in a living nightmare.” Then she walked away and went in the classroom. Class is about to start. Sir Rick came in.
“Good Morning, class.” He greeted.
“Today, we discuss… Dreams.”

Keith

“She looks hideous, God. Hideous.” I complained.
“Well, it’s not her fault.” God explained.
“I’ve never seen her like that before. It’s… so not good.” I said, running out of words.
“Well, you’ve never died before.” He said, smiling. He never gets tired of explaining. That made me stop. He’s right, always.
“I won’t be able to have peace.”
“I know.” God said, nodding.
“I want a redo. If I could just press ‘ctrl’ and ‘z’, I would.” God didn’t say anything, so I continued.
“I know this is too much to ask, but I’m really doing this for Penn. You know it’s true. You know what’s in my heart.” I can’t really say the words. Well, I don’t to have to, he knows what I want.
“Another shot, right?”
God smiled.

Penn

“Dreams. What are dreams?” Sir Rick asked us.
“Let’s have a short background, shall we?” He said, focusing his rectangular-shaped eye glasses. The class is quite silent. Nobody wants to answer, I guess, I’m not in the mood either.
“Penn Parlette.”
“Sir?” I slowly stood up lazily.
“What do you know about dreams or dreaming? Kindly share it to the class.”
Oh, come on. Give me a break. I haven’t had any good dreams last night. I woke up crying.
“They’re… bad. Sometimes.” I said, thinking hard.
“And why do you say so?” He said, wanting me to support my answer.
“Because all of us have had nightmares. That’s bad.” I added, thinking back to my dream last night. I don’t know if it’s a good dream or a bad dream, or both.
“Thank you, Miss Parlette.” Sir Rick gestured for me to take my seat.
“What Miss Parlette has just said is true. Dreams are manifestations of…fears. The nightmares, they’re our fears. It can show some of our traumatic experiences again; even if we forgot about it or think about it.” He explained. Oh, damn it. I can’t think right. It’s coming back again; all of it, including my dream last night.
When I woke up, my pillow was wet; full of tears. It’s dark in my room, no light, except for the moon light. It’s 11:45 p.m... I just woke up a quarter before the middle of the night. My head hurts, too. I feel so heavy. Well, I know that I weighed 47 kilos but that’s not what I meant. I feel like I’m carrying something really heavy in me… in my heart. The feeling of acceptance is not there. Oh, I can’t explain how I feel. Maybe I just miss Keith. My dream, it’s so unfair. God knows how much I wanted to stay in my dream; how much I want to replay it a thousand times, except for the good-bye part. I hated that it ended so fast. And now, I can’t take it off my mind.
“In old times, dreams are believed to be ‘heaven-sent’. That means it’s a vision from the gods or goddesses.” Sir Rick’s voice became audible again. I’m so lost in my thoughts; the world around me seemed to take a pause.
“According to some scholars, dreams can be a passageway for the dead to talk to us.”
The dead, talking to us in a dream.
“Uhmm… is that true?” I can’t stop myself.
“Excuse me?” Sir Rick’s attention is mine now.
“Is it true that we can somehow… talk to the dead by means of our dreams?”
“Well, some believe that that’s true. But scientifically speaking, you’re a lunatic if you do that. No offense, it’s science.” He explained. The class roared into laughter. I got a little embarrassed for what I said.
“Now, now. Stop laughing. It was nothing but a curious question.” Good thing, Sir Rick is not as rude as some teachers. Sam gave me the what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about look. I just ignored him. I don’t feel like talking to somebody; anybody. I feel like I’m alone in the world.
I wish Keith was here…

Penn

It’s finally summer. It’s really hot, I can feel the heat. I sipped a little from my orange juice, it’s sweet. Being under the shade of an oak tree can be the greatest feeling in the world, well except if your best friend died in a car accident because of you nine months ago.
Then my phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Babe.” It’s Sam. I’m positive.
‘I’m good, Willy.”
“Willy?” He has no idea.
“You know; Willy, from Free Willy. The whale in the movie.” I giggled.
“Oh Babe, if you want me to laugh, just tell me. I need a signal.” He chuckled.
“Jerk.”
“Just kidding, Penn.” Still chuckling.
“You are a whale. You are bigger and fatter than me. Willy.” I said sticking out my tongue, even if he cannot see me. I’m not giving up just yet.
“Penn, I told you. Just tell me when to laugh. Do you want me to laugh now?” And the whale laughed.
“Oh, I hate you.” I said irritatingly.
“I love you too.” He said quickly.
“What?” I was shocked.
“Nothing. I said you’re ugly.” And he continued teasing me with full strength.
“You called just to tease me? How pathetic.” I blurted.
“I was just joking. I really want to talk to you.” He sounds happy.
“Talk about what?”
“Anything. About your life. What’s up.”
“Oh well, I’m doing just fine.” I said briefly.
“You okay?”
“What does ‘okay’ mean?” We suddenly got serious.
“You know what I mean.” He said, trying to imply something.
“If that’s the case, I’m not okay.”
“Get over it, Penn.” He told me.
“It’s not as easy as you think it is.” I defended.
“But when do you plan to stop being like that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe… I just need time. That’s all.” He’s worried ‘bout me and I can tell.
“Just remember, if you need anything, I’m here.”
Now he’s being a good friend. He’s concerned.
“Yeah. Maybe I could use a whale’s help some other time.” I don’t want to get to drama.
“Piglets have problems all the time, not to mention about their diet.” He teased back and we both laughed. Laughing made me guilty, once again. How could I laugh like this knowing that I’m the cause of my best friend’s death? How lame.
“I gotta go now.” I wanted to end the conversation.
“Oh, okay. Take care. Always.”
“Yeah… sure.”

Sam

I made her laugh today. That’s good. I love hearing her laugh. It’s cute. And she got me a new nick name: Willy; from Free Willy. Well, she’s having fun. That’s a good sign. She’s making progress. Maybe she’s recovered. If not, may be still recovering. But the sadness and guilt is still there. And I can’t take that away easily. It’s a one-by-one step. But she’ll get through this. I’ll be here for her I will never leave her; I’ll be there on her side. I’ll be her friend. I’d take care of Penn and I’d never hurt her on purpose. I’ll do my best to make her happy again. We will have a diet together, we’d exchange handkerchiefs and stuff, I’d tell her my secrets and she’ll share hers with me, I’ll braid her hair because she likes it, I’ll buy her ice cream even if she wastes in again. I will always ‘borrow’ her ring and she’ll chase me in the hallway because I won’t give it back. I’d pinch her chubby face and tickle her belly; she’d punch me in the arm but I won’t get angry; I’ll always tease her ‘Piglet’ and ‘Warrior’, but I’ll tell her that I’m just kidding so she won’t get mad. I’d do these things with her. I can get the old Penn back. I can. We’re friends for now. That’s what she needs. If we take it to the next step, things will get complicated. I don’t even know if she feels the same way. I’ve been keeping it for a year now, but I don’t know if I can keep it any longer. She has to know someday… when the time is right. I can’t take risks. I just have to wait. I will, I can wait for Penn. We just have to be ready, both of us.
But I can wait. Even if it takes forever.

Penn

Junior year. I don’t feel like coming to school yet. I’m not excited; not like last year. I feel like so many things happened already. So many things have changed. And I feel like I’m left alone. I stopped, I guess. I don’t know exactly what stopped, but I something did stop in me. I still can’t get over it. It’s been nine months since the… since the accident. I remember it sometimes. It still hurts. I can’t consider Keith as a memory. Sometimes, I just imagine that he’s still alive, and he’s just taking a break in a library, or on a vacation or something. I sometimes pretend that I’m speaking to him. We talk about a lot of things. I tell him everything. I tell him what had happened to me during the day and he just… listens. I just talk and talk like a lunatic. Oh, I’m losing it; totally. What I do is just like rehab. I do this so that I won’t get too lonely or depressed; just to get through this living hell. Sometimes, I think of Keith reading a book. Then he’ll look at me, and he’ll blush. He’s been like that for quite some time. I really think it’s cute, and innocent. From time to time, he would do that. I occasionally caught him looking, no; staring at me. He’d pretend he was focusing or fixing something in his eye-glasses, but I know he’s not. I would tease him for doing that. I tease him that he has a crush on me. But he’ll deny it over and over again. And he never stopped with the ‘staring thing’. Sam’s trying to make me happy. I can sense that. He’s being nice to me. He is being a friend. He calls me almost every day last summer. He sent me a card on my birthday saying: “Happy Birthday, Babe!” Still teasing. But I appreciate that. The letter came out with our favorite candy and a pink handkerchief. He’s kinda sweet… for a friend. He’s more like a brother to me. He comforts me. And I know he’ll always be there. Sam’s a person you can stick around with.
I just wish that he’ll always be like that.

I came to school at 7:30. Everybody’s there, except for one person; one person that I miss the most and I wish was here with me, on the first day. My classmates greeted me “Hi”, but I didn’t go with them. I just want to go straight to the classroom, sit in the corner chair, and stick my headphones in my ears; ignore the world. I don’t feel like talking to anyone or someone. I quickly put some of my stuff in the locker. I went to the bulletin area to look for our classroom and to check which section I belong to. 3rd year… section 1-A. As I was tracing my fingers on the bulletin board, I accidentally touched the finger of someone else. I turned to my left to see who it is.
“Oh.” He said shyly.
“Hi.” That’s all I could say. And he stared at me. And something familiar hit my mind… but I shrugged it off.
“Hello. I uhmm… I think we’re on the same class.” He finally said, smiling at me. God, he’s gorgeous.
“Yeah…” I said, looking into his dark brown eyes.
“That’s good, right?” Still smiling. I was totally mesmerized. I couldn’t take my eyes off his eyes. They’re so familiar… so inviting.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“You uhmm… wanna go to the room? I’ll accompany you, if you don’t mind.”
“I was about to go, actually.”
“Great. Come with me.” Then he held my hand. That was a bit unexpected. Warmth, that’s what I felt. But he didn’t hold on to it. He was just leading me. I didn’t say anything.
“So… How are you?” He asked me. His question is not right. It seems that he knows me already when we’ve just met. It’s supposed to be ‘how do you do?’ or something like that. But I didn’t want to embarrass him so I ignored it.
“I’m doing fine. Thanks.” I said with a smile.
Then we were silent. He didn’t ask any other questions. We just walked. That’s kinda awkward, so asked him one thing that I should’ve asked minutes ago.
“What’s your name anyway?”
“What’s yours first? He answered quickly; putting his hands in his back.
“Oh, I’m Penn Parlette. You can call me Penn.” I said holding out my hand for a hand shake. Well, I don’t usually hold out my hand when I introduce myself, I just want to feel his hands again.
“Nice to meet you, Penn.” He held my hands in his, smiling again. But he has some serious hand-sweating issues. Everything seemed to halt. It feels like we’re the only two people standing in the middle of the hallway. He held my hand tightly that I could feel every finger wrapping mine. There’s something strange about his pinky though. It’s not straight.
“What’s with your finger?” I asked in curiosity.
“What finger?”
“Your Pinky finger, it’s not… normal.” I failed my plan not to make my compliment offensive. But he just smiled.
“Oh, my Pinky, right. I don’t know what happened to it. It was like that since birth, I think.” He explained, raising his hand so I could look at it. It’s so cute. I fell in love with… his finger.
“Well, I think it’s cute.” I said, taking back what I just said earlier.
“Thanks. You too.” He answered quickly.
“What?” I think he’s telling me that I’m cute too.
“Nothing. Let’s go to class, we’re gonna be late.” He changed the topic. Argh.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Want me to carry your bag?” He asked nicely. Oh my God, he’s handsome and a gentleman. What more could a girl ask for?
“Oh, no need. I can manage.” Seriously, my bag is not that heavy; not even close to heavy. I left almost everything in my locker. He’s so sweet. I wonder if he’s like that with everyone else.
“Let’s go now… Penn.”

Sam

“Penn!” I saw Penn at the door of our classroom. I’ve been waiting for her for like 30 minutes. Where in hell could she be on the first day? I really wanted to see her. I miss Penn.
“Hello, Willy. Are you still on a diet? I can see that it’s not going well.” She teased me first. I laughed and she did too.
“Well, a Piglet once said that we’re gonna be on a diet together, but she didn’t.” I defended.
“I don’t need a diet, I look good already.” She said, sticking out her tongue.
“Piglets lie all the time.” I pinched her face. God, I miss doing that.
I noticed that she’s blooming… even more beautiful than before. Maybe she got over it or is it just my feelings… taking over?
But wait, who is this? Penn’s with someone else. I didn’t notice.
“Sam, we’re being rude. This is Sam.” Penn introduced me… as her friend of course.
“How do you do Sam?” The ‘new guy’ cut in. and he wants to shake my hands. I faked a smile.
Damn, he’s handsome. Dark brown eyes, hazelnut hair, red lips, killer smile. Penn would totally fall for this guy. I acted nice… for Penn.
“How do you do?” I greeted back and we shook hands. I feel like crushing his hands; it’s wet. I wondered, may hand would only slip through if I crush his hand. But of course, that’s just my thought.
“And this is… this is..”
The school bell rang. It’s time for our first class.
“Good morning, people.” Mr. Manson said with a good spirit. Everybody’s in a good mood, except me.
“Penn, can you…uhmm… sit beside me? I don’t know anybody yet.” The ‘new guy’ said to my Penn, I mean Penn.
“Sure.” Penn smiled and they sat at the back of the class.
“Penn, sit here.” I called to Penn. I smell a competition.
“I’m good here, Sam. If you want, just sit beside me.” Ouch. She’s not even looking at me. That’s so irritating.
“Thanks, Penn.” Is he mocking me or what?
The way that ‘guy’ looks at Penn is different. Well, I’d like to punch him in the face. I wonder what he would look like if he had a broken nose.
“My, my. We have new students. Let’s not be rude. Everyone should introduce themselves; one by one.” Mr. Manson said.
All the girls were looking at the ‘new guy’, whoever he is. Every eye is captivated. And they don’t even know his name.
“Let’s start off with the first row.”
And I just noticed, they sat in the middle of the last row at the back of the class. That’s where Penn and I used to sit. Damn this guy. He replaced me already?
“Jillian Ford.” My first classmate said, she sat at the back row too.
Then three more persons before the ‘new guy’ introduced himself.
“My name is… Kristoffer Adams. I’m from Cleveland. We just moved in last month.” He started. All the girls were looking at him, so fascinated. They all find him charming because of his smile. But I saw his eyes… they were sad.
“Some… some of my friends call me Kris but most of them call me Toff.” Penn’s face turned serious. She did nothing. She just sat there and stared outside the window; thinking of something deep. Remembering something… someone.
“Thank you, Mr. Adams. You may take your seat.” Mr. Manson said.
It’s just a nickname. What’s the big deal?
I decided to exchange seats with my buddy, Claude. He is sitting beside Penn.
“Penn, you okay?” I said, holding her hands.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” She tried to hide what she felt when she heard his nickname.
“I know you’re thinking ‘bout her. Stop doing that.”
“I’m trying.”
“Try harder. It’s for your own good.” I’m just concerned.
“What difference does that make, anyway?”
“It’s hurting you.”
“I’m fine, Sam.” That means, “Leave me, I’m fine.”.
So I left. She needs some time alone. As much as I want to talk to her, I understand what she’s going through right now.
When I left the chair, the ‘new guy’, Kristoffer, sat beside her.
“I forgot to tell you my name earlier. Sorry for being rude.” He said to her.
“Kris. That’s your name. Kris.”
“Yes, it’s my nickname. What about it?”
“Nothing, I just…”
“Just what?”
“I just remembered someone. That’s all.” She said softly.
“Oh.” That’s all he could say.
Penn is looking him in the eyes, and he is staring back. It’s like… They look like they’re speaking without even talking. It’s really weird.
Penn never looked at someone or somebody that long. Well, except for… you know that.
Is it weird… or am I just jealous?

Penn

There’s something about his eyes. It’s so familiar yet I’ve never seen it before. And his name. Oh man, are you kidding me? That’s the worst possible nickname he could have had. There’s his finger too. His pinky finger, it’s almost the same as Kris’s. It is not straight. Everything about him seemed to remind me of Kris… Kristine Andrews. That’s her real name. And I just realized that they have the same initials: K.A.. Kristoffer Adams; makes sense?
Oh, how pathetic. I need to get myself a new hobby. But I can’t stop thinking about him. What’s with him? He is… flawless. Everything about Kristoffer seemed perfect… to me. I like the color of his hair, hazelnut brown. I wonder what it feels like to run my fingers through his hair and feel the strands of it. His eyes are dark brown. He’ll melt you with his gaze and you wouldn’t be able to resist the pull towards him. It’s just like magnet. His scent, it lingers. I don’t know if he wears perfume but he is fragrant. When he speaks to me, it’s like we’re alone in the world. I can’t focus. I’d like to play with his hands; put my fingers on the spaces between his and see how long his fingers are than mine. Oh, I’m being ridiculous. God, I just met this guy. And yet I found myself… kinda obsessed with him. Well, his handsome; really. He’s obviously a gentleman. He’s kind. I think he’s smart too, because he talks a lot. I honestly enjoy his company. We’re friends already. It’s so fast. I just accidentally touched his finger and now we’re friends. The silly thing is… I didn’t feel awkward. I usually feel awkward with guys that I’ve just met. But with him, time flies. I didn’t notice that it’s time to go home. He puts a smile on my face. I think I may have a crush on him. I’m a girl, handsome guys are my weaknesses. Every girl in school who has taste would totally fall for him. And I think… I just did. It’s just a crush, no big deal. But I like him… as a friend of course.
And for a day, he made me forget about Kris. Well, not literally forget, he just unintentionally took my mind off her. He is the first person in nine whole months to do that to me.
I wonder why…

Sam

Whew! The first week is over. I’m bored most of the time though. Because this year, I was hoping to spend more time with Penn. I was really glad when I saw that we’re on the same class. We’d be seatmates again and we would have class together. I could buy her lunch and I could steal her lunch. How despicable of me. But I’m just kidding, of course. I’d just do that so I could have lunch with her. I’d get her handkerchief and she’d get mad. I just want to get her scent. I’d push her in the rain so we could stay there and play like kids. I’ll always bring my iPod so we could listen to our favorite song and I’d sing it to her… and she’ll sing it back to me. And I will always pinch her… and I’d get punched in return. We would be best of friends. I could do better than Kris… Kristine. Well, if I can’t replace her, I could do better than her. I will not lie to her, except if it’s a surprise; I won’t make her cry, I hate seeing her do that; our friendship would be painless as much as possible, just happy thoughts and laughs; no worries.

I’m feeling good today. I and my buddy, Claude, had a really good game last night. We played Left 4 Dead all night. It’s been a long time since we last played, and that was just a week ago. I went into the room. And I heard someone singing and a guitar playing.
“I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
Hey, you know, this could be something…”
Now what? He sings too?
He is singing Two is Better than One. And everyone’s listening, especially the girls. And Penn, of course.
The dork is perfect. That’s so irritating… and I don’t know why.
Penn is looking at him, smiling. And it seems like he’s singing to her.
And finally, the school bell rang. Flirting time’s over.
“Nice voice, bro.” I said, giving him my complements. I’m such a good fake.
“Thanks. Singing’s a hobby.” He quickly said.
Mr. Manson came in just in time. Perfect. Kristoffer sat beside Penn, as usual; and I’m unusually jealous. Well, I don’t get jealous, really. But when ‘the perfect guy’ got in the picture, I got kinda… jealous. I should be the one making her smile like that. It’s only been a week since he met this guy and now they’re like… they’re like … a couple. And now I’m being ridiculous. This is so not happening.
“Well, it seems like we have a singer here.” Mr. Manson said, addressing to Kristoffer. Now, he’s the ‘American Idol’, how could this get any better?
“So, Mr. Adams, would you like to sing another song before we start class? You know, just for the fun of it. Right, class?” And it just got better.
“I can’t see why not, Sir. Sure.” He answered with a smile. He got his guitar ready.
“Very well! Let’s give him a round of applause.” And all my idiotic classmates clapped and cheered for our ‘American Idol’. Well, everybody is amused… but not me.
“Sing us a Bruno Mars song Kris!” Someone from the back of the class shouted his request. Well, Bruno Mars is very famous. He is everybody’s favorite… just like Kristoffer.
And then all of them were requesting the same song. Now he’s really a matinee idol. Sucks.
“Before I sing this song, I’d like to tell you guys something.” He started. What is this? A dedication? Such a show-off.
“Months ago, someone I loved left me. This person…is my best friend. And I really love her. But I hurt her. And that’s… that’s so not good. And that’s why we fell apart…”
The class got quiet all of the sudden. Everything got so emotional.
“And I’ll sing this song to her… even if she’s not here.”
The girls were touched by what he just said. Some were whimpering. This is so lame.
“This is for you.” He said, smiling; with sad eyes.
“Goodbye sunlight, hello dark skies… if you walk away…
If you ever leave me baby, leave some morphine out my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have… we don’t have it anymore…”
This guy has a heart break. I can tell from the way he sang that song. I can feel that. Guys’ thing, girls would never get it. Girls. They’re the reason why we, boys, love and the same reason why we… have broken hearts. And now I’m being emotional. Oh, give me a break.
And when he sang the chorus, he was looking at Penn. And Penn is just so… stunning; simply stunning without doing anything. And I’m mesmerized once again… and so as the other guy. And Penn’s not even looking at me. She was totally captivated by Kristoffer.
And I’m not liking it. Because I’m so…freaking…jealous.
“And just like the clouds my eyes will do the same
If you walk away…
Every day it will rain… rain…rain…”
And the American Idol finally finished the song. And everyone was fascinated… well, except for me.
Penn is whimpering, and I know why. I want to go beside her and give her a hug. She needs it. I quickly stood and started walking towards my Little Warrior.
And Mister Perfect here comes along and held her tightly in his arms, comforting Penn. And that’s… I can’t take that anymore. I really want to punch his face so it will bleed.
But I stopped myself. Not yet, Sam. This isn’t the time yet. I said to myself. If I punch this guy, things will go very bad. And I don’t want to look like the ‘bad guy’ here.
I’m… the hero. And Penn is my girl. And Penn is in the arms of my mortal enemy. Oh, I can’t stop my thoughts. So many things are going through my mind that I didn’t notice that
Class is starting already. The ‘Hugging Session’ is over.
“Uhmm… Mister Vaughn, would you like to take your sit? Class is about to start.” Mr. Manson said to me with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t notice that I was standing right at the middle of the class. And this is so… embarrassing. My best friend, Claude, smirked at me. And almost everybody giggled. Ugh, how could this get any worse?
“Sorry Sir. I was just telling Kristoffer that I want to get his autograph. I’m a big fan already.” I joked, and everybody laughed… but not Mr. Manson. He got his eye on me.
“Just sit Sam, so we could start class.” He is such a joy killer. And I’m the class clown. Cool.
I sat beside Claude.
“What the hell were you doing there? You look like a moron.” He said, teasing me.
“Thanks Claude, I really appreciate your concern.” I answered, sarcastically.
“You’ve been acting weird, dude. What’s going on, huh?” He curiously asked.
“Oh, you don’t want to know…”

Penn

Warmth. A child who feels protected and secured; I’m at home.
He held me tight. Well, that was unexpected. I was just… touched and emotional about the song and the way he sang it. I’m such a Cry Baby and I can’t hold back my tears. The song reminded me so much of Kristine. She used to sing it all the time. She used to sing it to me. Just the like the clouds my eyes would do the same… She would cry if we part ways as best friends. I just don’t get it. Why would we separate? We are best friends. The only thing that could separate us is… death. And the worst part is that, it already did. It already did; nine months ago. Ugh. I remember it again. It’s really, really painful to remember. I tried my best to forget, but it’s… that’s not gonna happen. To forget things; leave everything behind; that’s never gonna happen. Moving on is full of pain, full of regrets, full of what if’s. No matter what I do or what happens, things will always be the same. It will never change. It has been a part of me ever since it happened. It’ll always be there…
I’ve been thinking, thinking a lot. I can feel something that I’m not familiar with. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. There have been a series of things that I cannot explain. I don’t know if it’s meant to be or just coincidences… well, more like strange coincidences. Kristoffer, he’s so familiar. I tried to remember when or where I first saw him; before school. I know I’ve seen him somewhere. And there’s this really weird feeling in my guts… He’s watching me. Always. I don’t know but that’s what I feel whenever I think of him or when I’m with him. I really felt that when he held me tight after he sang that song. Sometimes, I think that he was specially made for me; like he has some kind of purpose that’s why he’s here. And that purpose is somewhat related to me. Oh. Where do I get these thoughts? I gotta get some sleep. My head, oh, I’m losing it. Darn. He just embraced me, what’s the big deal? You have a crush on him Penn. That’s why it’s a big deal, get it? I said to myself. Right, I have ‘something’ for him. And I think it’s getting bigger, better. And I can’t stop it. I’ve grown very fond of him. He’s really kind and the sweetest guy I’ve ever known… But I don’t know if he feels the same for me.
But I really hope he does… ‘Cause my heart is beating for the first time.

Sam

“Sam..” I heard My Little Warrior call me.
“Penn, what is it? Is something wrong?” I answered, concern filling my voice.
“Nothing… I… I just wanted to tell you something.” She said, drawing closer to me; her eyes locked with mine. Man, she’s gorgeous.
I noticed that we’re wearing formal outfits. She’s wearing a pink dress, and she’s beautiful in it. The locks of her curly hair made her even more beautiful. Her dark brown eyes, reminded me why I fell for her. Her lips made me think how I fell for her. But it’s her smile that made me fall for her again. Oh, Penn. If you just know what I feel for you… I fall for you every single day; over and over again. Your laugh is music to my ears. Your voice, it soothes me. Everything in me seemed to invite you in… and so as my heart.
Everything seemed to take a pause, and we’re both stuck at the moment. Then I held her hand. The next thing I knew, we were dancing at the middle of the dance floor, just the two of us. Alone at last.
“You’re beautiful..” I said; stunned with the view I’m seeing.
She just smiled… And that is totally cute. I can’t hold back what I feel any longer.
“I have to tell you something.”
“What is it Sam?” Her lips parted; her eyes yearning for answers.
“I… uhmm… I…” I said feeling anxious. I can’t find the words to say.
“You…?” Penn said, confused; her eyes still locked with mine. I have to tell her. Now.
“I love you. Penn. I love you so much.”
“Oh.” She managed to say.
“Please don’t get mad.” I begged, regretting what I just said. I can’t take it back. It’s now or never. “Why would I get mad?” She said, with a smile.
“What? I don’t get it.” We stopped dancing. Everything suddenly got very quiet and still.
“Why would I be mad Sam… if I feel the same way?” I think, I may be the happiest man alive on Earth.
“Wh-Wha-?” I muttered.
“Sam, I love-“

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
And that’s my alarm clock. It’s seven thirty. I’m running late for school. I over slept again. Damn it. Its quarter to eight already. And I can’t find my pants. My stomach is growling. I haven’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday except for the taco and Coke Claude gave me before we started playing. I’ve got to get a life. And maybe a girlfriend. And I’m thinking of her again. Where in hell is my bag? Argh. I’m rushing. I got out of the house, finally; just in time for the school bus.
Back to my thoughts. Oh man, I’m dreaming again. And it’s so good to be true. She was about to say that she loves me too when the freaking alarm clock rang. I liked that dream so bad. I wish that was true. I really do. In real life, I don’t know what would happen. Should I give it a shot?

Penn “Good morning Beautiful.” Someone greeted me from behind. I turned to see a handsome face. Kristoffer. My heart started beating fast. “Hi… Kris.” I greeted back with a smile. I liked his compliment. Not too obvious, not to lame; just enough to make a girl like me feel… Good. “So… What’s up Cry Baby?” He asked me, pinching my nose. I felt like a baby. And oh, he’s got me a nickname. “I’m doing fine. Thanks for asking.” I answered feeling my cheeks blush. “I was really worried when you cried. I hate making someone cry. That’s… not healthy.” He’s concerned. I felt my heart beating faster. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. I’m just, really, a Cry Baby; like you said.” “Well, I… uhmm… I just… I just hate seeing you cry, Penn.” He uttered, looking into my eyes. He means it. Really. I didn’t say anything. I just stared at him. Thinking deep, thinking of what he feels. “You’re such a Cry Baby.” He said, giggling, while pinching both of my ears. I feel like a baby and he is spoiling me. I can’t help but smile. He’s being cute. I felt really comfortable with him, but shy at the same time. I don’t know how to explain that. And he continued spoiling me like a baby. Hey, it’s cool to be spoiled once in a while. Then Sam came along. Where did he come from? I’ve no idea. “Babe! Hey, how’s it going?” He unusually puts his arm around me. I shoved it off. “Hello Sam.” Kristoffer said to Sam with a smile. “Hey.” Sam greeted shortly; not even meeting Kristoffer’s gorgeous eyes. “So, let’s go to lunch together. Okay?” Sam asked me; ignoring Kristoffer. “Oh, Kristoffer already asked me to go with him to lunch. But you can join us if you want. Right, Kris?” I turned to Kristoffer for assurance. “Yeah, sure. I’m cool.” Kristoffer said, putting his hands in his pockets. Cool. “Looks like you got her first, Kris.” Sam said to Kristoffer, smiling a bit, focusing his eyes on Kristoffer. “No, not really. I just got lucky with the Cry Baby.” Kristoffer said, putting his arm around my waist. Then he tickled me, and we both laughed. I almost forgot that Sam was with us. “Don’t worry; I’ll get her next time.” Sam said, almost serious. His eyes were intense. “Yeah, we’ll see.” “Hey guys, let’s go to class already. Sir Rick is gonna be there any minute now.” I cut in. I got my books and closed my locker. “Yeah. Let’s go, Penn.” Kristoffer said, taking my hand. His hands are warm. “Coming?” I turned to Sam. “Yeah…”

It’s lunch time. And I’m having a lunch date with Kristoffer. Nah, I’m kidding. It’s just a… friendly date. And besides, Sam is coming with us; I think. He’s been really quiet during class. Maybe he’s bored, or maybe day dreaming. I think he’s having a bad mood today. Oh well, we’re still having lunch. “I’m hungry.” I told Kristoffer. That means, “Buy me lunch.”. “Let’s go Cry Baby.” He said, pinching my face. Then he held my hand, again. I think I’m getting used to it… to him. “Wait, where’s Sam?” I asked him. “I’ve no idea. He was just here a while ago. Maybe he went to the cafeteria already and decided to save us some seats.” “Oh, he’ll join us if he wanted to.” I finally said. We’re in the cafeteria. And Sam is nowhere to be seen. “Take a sit here, Penn.” Kristoffer pulled the chair for me to sit. What a gentleman. “Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.” “I already did.” And Sam, again, came out from nowhere. Seriously, he’s like a mushroom. “Great! You found us a table.” Sam said. And he’s looking at Kris; his eyes into something deep… maybe despicable. “Where the hell have you been?” I asked. “Here. Duh.” He replied, rolling his eyes. “I thought you’d never come.” Kristoffer said, teasing. I smirked at Sam. “Hey Penn, why don’t you get us something to eat?” Sam said, changing the subject. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do I get to take the orders?” I protested. “It’s your treat.” Kristoffer cut in, smiling; still gorgeous, even when he’s teasing. Oh well, I’ll do it. It won’t hurt. “Oh, alright. I’ll fetch us some burgers. I’ll be right back.” I said, rising from my seat. “Yeah, take your time.” Sam replied before leaving the boys alone.

Sam “What’s with you?” I asked Kristoffer. “Nothing.” He answered quickly. He knew why I let Penn buy us something to eat. “You’re not fooling anyone.” I said, irritatingly. “What the hell is your problem, dude?” “You like her, don’t you?” I got straight to the point. I hate beating around the bush. “Who?” He asked ‘innocently’. “Penn. You like her too.” I said frankly. “Yeah.. kinda.” He said with an honest smile, almost mocking me. I didn’t say anything. I just… sat there, thinking. “You like her too.” He finally said. Now he gets it. “Yes. I do.” I felt good, being able to say that to somebody. “She’s nice. I like being with her.” I got very jealous. “She’s mine.” I said quickly. “You’re together?” He asked. “No.” Well, that’s the truth. We’re not… together. “Then she’s not yours.” Alright. Fine. She’s not mine; but I liked her first. “Dibs.” He murmured. “What?” “You’re calling dibs on her.” “Well, yeah. I mean, technically, I liked her first.” I said confidently. He smiled. What the hell was that smile about? “She thinks of you as her brother, Sam.” Okay, so that’s what the smile is about. Damn it. Knowing that ‘fact’ irritates me. And he is still smiling at me like an idiot. Well, feel like an idiot, calling dibs on her was stupid. “Whew! I got the burgers guys. Eat ‘em while they’re hot.” And Penn came out from nowhere, saving me from extreme embarrassment. She gave us our burgers. And we ate in silence, which is a bit awkward; and unusual. And finally, Penn broke the silence. “Uhmm… Did I miss something, guys? You two have been very quiet. And seriously, that’s freaky.” She said looking at us with those dazzling eyes. “No, you didn’t. We’re just… not used to each other. That’s all.” Kristoffer replied. Wow, I never thought he would do that. If he didn’t say that, Penn wouldn’t stop until she knows what’s going on and that… that is bad. Kristoffer just saved me from confessing the ‘truth’ to Penn; which I’m totally not ready for. He ain’t that bad after all. “Yup. Don’t know this guy.” I said, joining the conversation. “You two should get to know each other.” Penn said, after taking a bite on her burger. “Yeah. I think we should.” Kristoffer said with a genuine smile. Hell yeah, we will. He figured out my biggest, darkest secret within our 3 minute conversation. This could not be good. Penn Whew! What a day. It’s been very busy. First weeks of classes are really important; particularly in putting a good impression on teachers. I’ve been working really hard, especially in Chemistry. Such a boring and challenging subject. Classes are still fun though, I am enjoying junior year… I really am. Nevertheless, something’s still missing. The first months’ have been really tough. To forget is like stopping rain from pouring in, and telling time to take a break. Impossible. I thought that I could never be happy again, and yet; here I am, enjoying everything, without her. I’m the worst best friend. I don’t deserve any of this. I’m not supposed to be happy. I… I am the reason why Kris died. Oh Kris, why are you such a pain in the neck? I’m sure that you’re in Heaven right now, but why are you still in my head? Is it a habit of yours to go into people’s minds and bug them all day? I’m feeling very guilty again. I swear I didn’t intend to kill you. I hate to see blood and coffins and people dying. Especially my best friend, even though you’re such a jerk and a liar, and we have lots of misunderstandings, I didn’t wish for this to happen. I’ve said this couple of times before. And I sound like a broken record already… Gee! I need peace; clear my head… Relax. Happy thoughts… Kris… Kristoffer. The color of his hair, his scent; the warmth of his hands… The comfort of his arms… His dark brown eyes… The sound of his laughter… The aura of his presence… And the smile on his lips that made my day every single day. I like the way he makes me feel like a Baby. When I’m with him, I feel protected and safe. I think that’s very weird because we’re complete strangers. But the way he talks to me, it’s different; like we’re friends for a very long time; like an old friend or something like that. I can’t truly explain how I feel when I’m with him… But I know one thing…He is the only person that could make me smile without doing anything, nothing at all. Well, he is the only one right now. Because the last time I checked, the person that made me smile by doing nothing… died. Nine months ago. Sam 3rd week of classes. Monday. The most sarcastically intoxicating day of the week. I miss my computer at home; and my untidy bed. I had no time to fix my bed because I’m running late for school again. I don’t want to be here, in class, with a bunch of losers who like guys with hazelnut hair and dark brown eyes who sings in front of the class with a guitar and a smile that melts immature girls’ hearts. I’m not even with the girl I love. I’m quite sure she’s with the guy with hazelnut hair and dark brown eyes; probably locking eyes with each other. I am a very lonely person. I looked at my watch. It’s quarter to eight, class is about to start. I turned back so I can catch a glimpse at my Little Warrior; just a little inspiration so I can go through this day. I looked back to see an empty sit beside Kristoffer. That’s where my Penn likes to sit. She’s an idiot for not knowing that the empty sit beside me is where she’s supposed to sit. Oh. Life is miserable. Lost in my thoughts, I walked towards Kristoffer. “Where’s my Penn?” I asked him irritatingly. “What pen?” He replied with curiosity. “My Penn.” I repeated. “Oh, right. I borrowed it. Remember?” He borrowed my Penn?! “What?!” I said angrily. Then Penn came out from nowhere, like a mushroom. “Here you go. Thanks.” Kristoffer pulled out my ball-pen from his pocket and returned it to me. I remembered that he borrowed a pen from me last week; which I totally forgot. ”What going on in here? And what about the pen?” Penn asked us. I was referring to my Little Warrior when I said “My Penn”, not the ball-pen that Kristoffer borrowed from me. “I just returned Sam’s pen. I have my Penn right here.’’ Kristoffer said, smiling, as he puts his arms around Penn’s waist; drawing her close to him, making me very… furious. “Making me feel like a Baby again, huh?” Penn said pinching Kristoffer’s cheeks, making them look like a cute couple, and making me look out of place. That’s like slapping me hard in the face. “You are a Baby. A Cry Baby, in particular.” And they both laughed. Man, she’s breaking my heart. Seriously, do they do this all the time? If they do, I cannot bear to see my Penn in the arms of Kristoffer. Nope, not gonna happen. “Hello, I’m still here.” I blurted, sounding very annoyed. “Oh, I’m sorry Sam..” Penn said, a little shocked with what I said. “Kidding. I’d better go before the two of you start attracting ants with your little morning sweetness.” I lied so I can get out of that moment right away. I didn’t want every second of it. I quickly went to my sit, just in time to see Mr. Manson enter the room. Well, I guess I didn’t get my inspiration. Hopes of being with the girl I love are surely running out… She can never be yours, Sam… And my thoughts started mocking me. Penn First period is over. I feel very sleepy. Didn’t slept very well last night; I was thinking about the things that happened. Kris, Kristoffer… Sam. Speaking of Sam, there’s something unusual about him today. He acted a little weird and said something about ants attracting me and Kristoffer’s little morning sweetness. What the hell was that about? He acted weird last time in the cafeteria with Kristoffer. I feel a little bit tensed whenever the two of them are together or talking; like my guts are telling me that something bad is gonna happen for an ‘unknown’ reason. But there’s something really wrong with Sam. I mean, is there a problem between us or something like that? If there is, then what is it? Why would we have problems in the first place? Oh, shoot. First, it was Kristine; then Kristoffer. And now it’s Sam. Mind Buggers. What are the problems of these people? Don’t they know that I have problems too? Oh, give me a break. Please. God, help me. My head hurts. 1’m a 16 year old, take it easy on me. Think clear Penn, you can do this. This is just like any other Math problems. I motivated myself, and then back to reality. I need to talk to Sam first. Ask him what’s going on with him. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him these past few weeks. I’ve been very busy and I’m with Kristoffer most of the time; and Sam with Claude. It’s time to get straighten up things.

Sam “Sam.” I heard someone say my name from behind. I recognized the voice at first call. Penn. “What’s up?” I said, looking up to her. “We need to talk.” She replied, taking the sit next to me. “Talk about what?” I chuckled. Her face is very serious. She didn’t reply. “You’re gonna interrogate me, Miss Parks?” I raised an eyebrow while crossing my arms in front of me. “Is… is something wrong between us, Sam?” “What do you mean?” “Well… I … I think you’ve been acting weird lately…” This time, I didn’t answer.. “Sam, are you hiding something from me?” She said, leaning closer to me. She’s looking at me with those gorgeous brown eyes along with her beautiful long eyelashes. I wanted to keep it… But I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t lie to Penn. Not now, Sam. It will ruin everything. You’ll lose her more if you tell her now. Be patient. “Who the hell are you, Sherlock Holmes?” I joked. I hate getting serious with her. I’ll get emotional. And when I get emotional, I’ll say my goodbye to Penn along with my biggest darkest secret. And that is horrible. “Sam… I’m serious…” She said seriously. “Me too.” “No, you’re not. You’re changing the subject.” She knows me well. “I am not!” I said with exaggerated voice. That made her laugh. And she made me laugh too. And then, silence. “Hey, how are you with… how are you with Kristoffer?” She spoke, breaking the silence. “Us? We’re okay.” I answered briefly. “Sure?” She replied quickly. “Yeah. He’s your friend, right?” “Yes. He’s very… nice.” She answered, picking the right words before speaking. “Oh, I see. That’s the reason why you hang out with him all the time.” I said, having a little taste of jealousy. “Give him a break, he’s new here. He doesn’t know anybody yet.” Penn answered defensively. “So, you’re giving him a tour or something?” I asked, almost mocking. “I don’t know. I’ve just been helping him out. And besides, it won’t hurt me if I help him.” She simply said. “Well maybe you’re hurting someone by doing that.” “By doing what?” She said curiously. “By ‘helping’ your ‘new friend’.” “Why would that hurt someone? And, who is gonna get hurt?” Now she’s more confused. “Your ‘old friend’.” “What? Sam, I don’t get you. Totally.” And she’s totally lost. “When you met THAT guy, you don’t even remember who I am anymore; like I don’t even exist. And you like being with him all time, and all that Morning Sweetness, and everything. You changed.” I blurted out. I can’t stop my mouth from telling the truth. “Oh… I’m sor-“ Her expression changed… “And… and the way he holds in his arms, and all that tickling stuff. And why does he call you a ‘Cry Baby’? The two of you are like a couple, and you always go to lunch together; and he sings to you. And, did you see the way he looks at you? I mean, does he like you? Do you like him too?” Oh, hell. “Sam! Cut it out.” She ordered me. I couldn’t stop. “Sorry, I just can’t… can’t…” I answered, going back to reality. “Sam, are you… jealous?” Next question please. PLEASE. “No. Me? That’s not me. I- I don’t do… I don’t get jealous.” Sam, you’re an idiot! I said to myself. Yepp, that’s me. “Is that why you’ve been acting a little weird lately? You’re jealous of… of… of Kristoffer?” Damn it! Why does she have to be so smart? Now, she knows it. What am I supposed to do? I didn’t say anything. Think Sam, think! My mind went blank. Oh great. Think… Think… Think! “Sam. Are you jealous?” She demanded answers I cannot give… Then he came. “Excuse me? Am I interrupting something?” Kristoffer said, standing at the door.

Penn

“Kri-Kris… How long have been there?” I managed to stutter.
“I don’t know… About 3 minutes ago. Are the two of you busy? I’ll come back later if you want…” He replied; confusion seen on his face.
“No. I was just leaving. Bye Penn.” Sam said hurriedly, taking his bag and getting out of the room as soon as possible.
“Sam! Wait, we’re not yet…” I tried to catch up with him but… it’s useless. He’s not in that hallway anymore. He ran.
Kristoffer went beside me; still baffled.
“Hey, what happened?”
“Sam’s… Sam’s jealous..” I faltered. A little unsure, I was still dazed by what… what had happened. I was unsure how to feel about that… About Sam.
“Jealous of who? Why?” He asked.
“Of you.” I simply said; not knowing what words came out of my mouth.
“Oh…” I heard him say quietly.
“Oh, shoot! What did I just say?” My mind slipped back to reality and grasped everything that occurred.
“Sam is jealous because of me.” He said plainly. I was a little surprised by the bareness in his voice.
“But that’s not sure… Kris. I just-just suspected him because…” I tried to explain…
“I knew it.” He said, looking me in the eyes. Can’t help but melt in his gaze.
“Knew what?” I asked.
“That he’s jealous… of me…of us…” He said, looking at floor, then back to my eyes
I couldn’t say anything. I’m so… freaking… confused right now. I can’t take everything in… I don’t know what to do.
“Take it easy.” Kristoffer said, pulling me in for a hug.
“But how… Why … What…” I mumbled in his chest.
“I’ll explain everything later. Just calm down; clear your mind. Stop stressing out, okay?” He said, running circles on my back.
“Yeah. Ok…” I said, as we pulled out of the hug. He looked me in the eyes and smiled; crisscrossed his hands with mine.

“Let’s get you out of here.”

Penn

“Wait, where are we going?”
“Secret.” A smirk slipped in his lips.
“Oh, come on. I hate secrets.” I said, whining like a baby.
“Why?” He asked as we crossed the road. His grip tightened.
“I don’t know. I just hate people hiding something from me…” I remembered Kristine…
“Well, don’t worry. It’s a… a surprise. It won’t hurt you. I Promise.” He glanced as we headed further down the street.
“That’s exciting.” I said; a smile crept in my face.

He took me under an oak tree. It was big and old; its leaves giving us a shade from the sun. The wind blew and it was refreshing.
“Wow.” I mumbled, I was about to take a sit when Kristoffer stopped me.
“The ground is dirty.” He said while taking off his hoodie and putting in on the ground.
“You may sit now Princess.” He said as he gestures for me to sit down.
“You are nothing but a sweetheart, aren’t you?” I joked as we sat down.
“Yup.” He smiled, making him even more adorable.
“Are you like this with everybody else?” I asked, hoping that he’s not.
“Well, uhmm… no. Just you.” I felt my cheeks blush. He made me felt… exceptional.
I didn’t say anything… he just… leaves me speechless every time.
“You’re blushing.” He chuckled while nipping my cheeks. I can’t help but smile.
“So, why do you hate secrets?” He said, switching the subject.
“Hmmm…” I thought for a while.
“Well?”
“I had a friend and…” I started.
He looks at me, ready to listen to what I’m telling.
“And she lies to me all the time.” I finished.
“Oh..” He said, nodding.
“First there were small lies then I realized that she’s lying from me for a very long time. But, they’re not totally lies… They’re… secrets… untold.” I remembered the times when we fought, or were fighting. Painful last days of her life… Such a waste…
“Well maybe there’s a reason for your friend not to tell you… Maybe your friend was going to tell you soon-” He tried to explain so I’d understand.
“But we’re not supposed to keep secrets from each other. We’re best friends.” I cut him off. I think Kristoffer and I are arguing now. I heard my voice raise a tone.
“Look, Penn. There are things that are meant to be kept.” He held my hands, keeping a calm voice… It soothes me.
“What are you saying?” I asked. I can’t understand what he’s saying.
“You have to understand…Some things… they have their own time. We can’t just..” He struggled to get the words out of his mouth.
“Just what?” I demanded.
“We can’t just get the answers right away. There’s time for everything. We don’t have to rush… There may be something at risk.” He finally said.
“Like what?” I said, still kinda clueless.
“You.”
“Me?” I uttered surprisingly.
“Yes, you.” He repeated clearly.
“Why?” I asked, still longing for a remedy.
“Maybe someday, you’ll know… I’m sure you will.” He whispered; more like telling it to himself than me.
“How can you be sure of something that’s… unpredictable?” I replied, staring at his eyes.
“I just know.” He finished, smiling a bit; a reassuring smile that made me feel a lot better.

“I just know…”

Sam

I can’t believe this is happening to me. Damn.
“So… You like Penn.” Claude finally spoke after I told him everything that happened. It’s feels good to tell someone, even though you know they’re not really interested.
“Yeah.” I said, sighing.
“And you told her ‘accidentally’ out of jealousy of Kristoffer and now you’re doomed.” Well, he’s mocking me now. How could this get any worse?
“Yeah, thanks for summing that up jackass.” We wrestled and ended up laughing on the couch like sissies.
“It could’ve been a lot better if you weren’t an idiot.” He teased as he went to my fridge to get a Coke.
“Wow, dude. I actually thought hanging out with you could make me feel better. Now I feel like…” I replied, acting hurt… Feeling hurt.
“Crap.” He finished for me. He’s really enjoying mocking me. That sucks.
I didn’t answer. Crap. That’s how I exactly feel.
“Well, I really don’t know what to do about that. But if somehow, deep inside, she feels the same; then it will all get a lot better.” He simply said, slurping Coke.
“I have nothing to count on, dude. It’s all screwed up.” I threw my hands up in the air out of frustration. My head’s jammed and I don’t know how to fix this.
“Well, at least you’re not dead.” He laughed as if what he just said is so hilarious; which was the opposite. Moron.
“I wish I was.” If I were dead, I won’t have problems. Have you ever thought of it? Just floating in the air forever, or falling endlessly… That’s my idea of dying.
“At the end of the day, that’s what matters the most. Makes sense?” Claude added. Nothing makes sense, really. Just blurred pictures of everything that occurred.
“Nothing makes sense anymore.” I feel like sleeping forever…
“Stop acting like an ‘emo’. It doesn’t fit. Come on, we gotta meet up with Josh.” He said as he stood, and threw a pillow right at my face.
“Whatever.” I laid down on the couch, covering my face with the pillow.
“Listen dude, if this one doesn’t work out, there are a lot of other girls out there; just waiting for us. So, cheer up.” I never really thought he’d say anything like that. That actually made me feel better… or at least it did.
“But I don’t want other girls. I want Penn.” I murmured.
I heard him sigh as he pats my shoulder.

“You don’t always get what you want.”

Penn

“You’re gonna be okay now, right?” Kristoffer said after fetching me home. We’re now standing at the porch.
“I’m good. Thanks.” I replied, looking up to him.
“Hey, if you… uhmm… If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. Okay?” He whispered; his eyes finding a way to melt me.
“Of course.” I uttered.
“You do know I rescue damsels in distress, princesses, and cry babies, don’t you?” He joked, leaning closer to me; I felt heat coming off his skin.
“Now I know.” I smiled.
“Kristoffer Adams to the rescue.” He acted very funny which made me laugh.
“Oh no! I’m about to fall off the stairs. Somebody help me!” I pretended falling of the porch, riding on.
“I’m here. I’ll catch you.” He quickly went behind me as if trying to catch me. We laughed.
“Thanks.” I can’t stop giggling.
“I’m told that princesses have a habit of falling off stuff.” He told me as-a-matter-of-factly.
“They only do that ‘cause they know someone would catch them.” I replied quickly.
“Well, isn’t that cute?” He breathed while pinching both of my cheeks.
“I guess so…” I muttered shyly.
“You know you can count on me, right?” He said to me, sincerity in his voice.
“Yeah, of course. You always made sure I was okay.” I can’t help but smile with the candidness I’m receiving from him.
“Good. You know, there’s someone better than me who could… take care of you; watch your back like I do.” He changed the subject while taking a seat on our bench.
“And who would that be?” I asked curiously while taking a sit next to him.
“God.” He smiled.
“Oh.” I nodded.
“You just have to remember that no matter how big your problems are, you have a bigger God. Okay?” I can’t see where this conversation is going. It seems out of place.
“What are you saying?” I asked, trying to follow.
“God will help you. He helps you. Always.” He simply said.
“Yeah, sure. Okay.” Whatever you say handsome…
“You should pray before you sleep. Do you pray, Penn?” He replied, consistent on the subject; persuading.
“I do… sometimes.” I thought of the times I prayed, few times actually. I was in pain; in great sorrow; and praying always made me feel better. When Kristine died, I pray every single night, and it’s like taking off a big rock off my chest. After a few months, I eventually, gradually, started to forget a little and got busy with stuff… I moved on; got over things… forgot praying too. But now, it’s like my past is haunting me, following me; like something at the back of my mind is trying to be seen, to be heard.
“Good. Do you want me to teach you a prayer?” A click of his voice got rid of my thoughts.
I nodded like a child.
He started reciting a prayer and thoughts started playing on my mind…

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
Pray the Lord, my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake,
Pray the Lord my soul to take.”

Penn

“Goodnight Honey.” Mom tucked me in like she always does, even though I’m turning 17 in a couple of weeks. She kissed me lightly on the forehead and turned off the lights before leaving the door half open.
I sighed; finally having the chance to sleep again. School is very tiring; stressful. It’s been a long day… A lot of ‘things’ happened; and I just want to forget things and start all over. I don’t really know how that works. I guess that’s the point of sleeping: forgetting some things for a few hours; well, except if you dreamt about that particular thing.
“Night Mom.” I whispered, feeling my eyes heavy.
“Love you Honey.”
“Love you too.”
Mom’s silhouette quickly faded away. So, it was quiet again. I remembered everything that happened today: Sam’s confession, Sam’s jealousy of Kristoffer, a ‘friendly date’ with Kristoffer under the oak tree… And the last thing was the prayer. I know it’s an old American Prayer. I think everybody knows that. But there’s something about it that I can’t figure out. It’s like, something from an old memory; maybe my younger years. I don’t know. It just seems… familiar.
As I was remembering things; sorting them out and evaluating, I swiftly drifted to a deep sleep.

“I think I saw the Boogie Man.” I said, recalling the nightmare I had. She laughed at me for me for being such a pussy.
“You believe that? There’s no such thing as the Boogie Man!” She replied, laughing harder. I can’t believe how mean she is!
“Yes there is! I saw him last night creeping under my bed!” I exclaimed, trying to convince her.
“Hahaha! You’re little Scared Baby Penn.” She teased.
“And you’re a Big Fat Meanie!” I said, fighting back the tears which were obvious.
“Oh come on, don’t cry. I’ll feel guilty teasing you…” She said, being tamed. Even if she was such a jerk, she hated seeing me crying.
“I was just scared… And you’re mean!” I said, starting to get mad at her.
“Hey, don’t be mad at me. I’m your best friend. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” I answered, sniffing.
“Hey.” She said, poking my arm.
“What?” I replied, not looking at her.
“Want me to teach you a prayer? I learned it from Sunday School.” She offered a prayer as her peace offering.
“Yeah, okay.”

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
Pray the Lord my soul to keep.
And if I die before I wake,
Pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.”

“You should pray before you sleep so you won’t have nightmares.” She said smiling at me. She was a good friend, just a little playful.
“Thanks, Kris.” I smiled back.
“Here, have some.” She handed me an opened pack of Sour Glow Worms. Those were her favorite.
“Maybe you’ll be a good friend when you’re not such a Big Fat Meanie.” I said as I was chomping down Sour Glow Worms.
“Hey, I was just kidding! And you know how funny you look when you’re scared.” She defended making that trade mark smirk on her face.
“Whatever you say Big Fat Meanie!” I teased, sticking out my tongue.
“Scared Baby.” She grinned while pinching my cheeks.
Then the school bell rang. It was time for class.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. It’s 7 a.m. It’s time to take a shower. After that, I went down stairs to have breakfast.
“How’s your sleep Honey?” Mom asked as she was placing eggs and bacon on the table.
“Fine.” I answered quickly, picking up to bacon strips with scrambled eggs. I don’t want to be late for school.
“Don’t forget your sandwich. They’re on the counter.” I hurriedly picked up my sandwich and went to school.
Kristine taught me that prayer in 2nd Grade. I remember now. That’s why it’s so familiar. The weird thing is, I dreamt of it last night. Well, as far as I know, that doesn’t ‘usually’ happen. It was very clear and yet, I can’t summon it up in my mind when I’m awake. Is it another mystery or just another coincidence?

Penn

“Are you okay, Penn?” I was with the hottest guy in school, and yet I was day dreaming. I must have problems.
“Yeah, yeah.” I nodded in response.
“You prayed last night?”
“Yes, I did. I slept well.”
“Oh yeah? Good.”
Then silence. It’s a weird thing I notice, even in silence; we don’t feel awkward with each other. Well, that’s what I feel. I don’t know ‘bout him.
“I don’t trust you. Are you sick or what?” He quickly put the back of his palm on my fore head, checking if I have a fever or not.
“I’m okay.” I said chuckling as I removed his hand.
“Well, you’re never like ‘this’ with me.”
“What does ‘this’ mean?”
“You know, like… day dreaming or something like that.”
“Kris, I am not day dreaming.”
“I knew this day would come!”
“You what?”
“You’re losing interest in me. Is there another guy?”
“Another what?”
“I knew it. I knew it! Is it that guy from the other day? The one with blonde hair?”
“Kris, what the hell are you saying?”