Letter of Advice

Letter of Advice
COM200: Interpersonal Communication
Instructor Sara Marcus
January 9, 2012

Dear William and Linda, Let me start by saying congratulations on your recent nuptials. The two of you are off to an excellent start in wanting advice on how to efficaciously communicate with one another. In taking an interpersonal communication class, I have learned several concepts that I would like to share with you throughout this letter. Communication is important in developing and maintaining a relationship. A healthy communication style is vital to longer lasting relationships. The article “Can We Talk” is about the role of communication in a marriage. Nara Schoenberg gave great insight to giving advice to many that are able to read it that are in a marriage. This article highlighted how with good communication skills a marriage will be able to sustain itself for a lifetime. The results of good effective communication habits will build a strong and long lasting relationship. In reading this article Schoenberg says that communication means that you 're sharing and really getting to know one another and happy marriages exhibits "self-disclosure," or sharing your private feelings, fears, doubts and perceptions with your partner. These statements are what make this article so relatable to its readers. We communicate in different ways but finding a compatible form of communication is key to any relationship. Being able to communicate clearly and effective requires a certain level of confidence. The text book Making Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communications explains that the basic principle of interpersonal communication deals with concept of “who are you”. Feeling sure and comfortable of your communicating skills will ensure good communication within the relationship. Your self-concept is how you look at yourself. It is a mental image that you have of yourself and it can relate to your mental strength or status in life. One 's self-concept affects one 's perception, attitude and behavior, which can be demonstrated during the process of interpersonal communication. Aspects of one 's life influence their self-concept, which not only affect how people perceive them but how they perceive themselves. In the process of communication, self-knowledge and the way one feel about oneself is revealed to others, and affects how others react to them. Consequently, the perceptions one believes others have of them affect how they receive their communication, which influences their response. In relationships you have to be cognizant of how the opposite sex perceives things. Men hear things differently than women. I relate this to my childhood when my parents would argue and my mother would say to my father: “You hear what you want to hear”. This is evident in the study that was referenced in the article Close Relationships Sometimes Mask Poor Communication”. In the study, researchers asked 24 married couples to take part in an experiment in which two sets of couples sat in chairs and tried to figure out the meaning of phrases whose meaning isn 't entirely clear. The example used was a wife who says to her husband, 'it 's getting hot in here, ' as a hint for her husband to turn up the air conditioning a notch, may be surprised when he interprets her statement as a coy, amorous advance instead (Healthday, 2011). One way to avoid this mistake is not to be rushed and preoccupied. Stop and make sure you understand the perspective the other is trying to relay especially since the two of you are married. In being aware of the opposite sex, you have to be aware of how you say things as well. The tone of your voice can displace the message you are trying to send. The text suggests that work to shut judgments about the speaker 's appearance, tone of voice, or other such factors out of your mind when you are speaking with someone, and focus on the words and the meaning rather than on the person delivering the message. If you are unsure of a person’s meaning, it is not taboo to ask what is meant. This is a technique that I use in my own marriage. Before a disagreement takes place, I will say to my husband: I said……… now what did you hear?” This clears up what my intended message was and helps me to modify my tone or body language that my spouse may have found offensive. This was a hard lesson learned because I was the one that said things without considering how it sounds to my husband. That was not how I wanted to portray myself and not get into unnecessary arguments. Linda you also have to keep in mind that you become very animated when you talk. Although William knows this about you, it could become offensive in the heat of the moment. Dr. Terry Orbuch refers to this kind of body language as a determining factor in the early years of marriage. In her book, Marital Instability, she surveyed 199 African American couples and 174 White couples who were just married and found that body language can cause significant damage in a relationship if it is read the wrong way. William should be mindful of his always present smile. In a majority of cases a great smile is a good thing. However, in times of turmoil a smile can be mistaken to mean that you are not taking the situation seriously. An excellent way to avoid conflict is to develop good listening habits. We have, at some point, exhibited poor listening skills. Bad listening habits include: Lack of interest in the subject, focus on the person, not on the content, interrupting, focus on the detail, missing the big picture, body language that signals disinterest, letting emotions block the meaning, and daydreaming. All these things can put any relationship in a downward spin. These habits could lead to misunderstandings and arguments. There are ways to avoid this. One way is to give your mate your full attention. Attend to what they are saying not just with your ears but with your entire body. Make sure you are facing each other during the conversation. Having the right attitude contributes to your desire to want to know what the other is saying. The next thing is having patience and understanding. Sometimes you might have a difficult time getting your point clearly across. If your spouse attempts to help you say what is needed don’t get upset. This could be a good thing because they understand your point. This is always a way of showing support for them. Even if you do not agree with what they are saying, make sure respect what they have to say. Good listening skills also include knowing how to manage your reactions to what is being said. Before you respond, take a moment to think about what was said and how it makes you feel. Your response should reflect how you feel but should not sound like emotional tirade. A vital key to successful communication is having the ability to understand emotions and being able to express those emotions (Sole, 2011). This is often referred to as emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself and others. Emotional intelligence includes making good judgments about when to deal with emotions and keep them at bay. Kathy Sole feels that emotional intelligence also directly corresponds to emotional health—the higher your EI, the more emotionally healthy you are. Ones emotional health keeps you in tuned with your feelings while being exposed to the feelings of others. This is beneficial in a marital relationship because you don’t forget about you when dealing with your spouse’s feelings. The communication skills of any couple are established early on and can improve or become worse. In a marriage, communication skill should always improve and a step towards improvement is self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is the act of sharing aspects of your personal self with other people. This act allows you find commonalities with each other as well as dislikes. Being able to open up to others is essential to developing a deeper connection Self-disclosure and communication skills overall are important components of any healthy relationship. Self-disclosure lays the foundation for the type of relationship you will have with one another. Also it plays an important role in validating self-worth and identity. While self-disclosure have many benefits the amount of disclosure depends on what will be gained and how much are you losing to your partner. Being on the receiving end of disclosure requires a level of culpability and perhaps forgiveness. William and Linda again I want to congratulate you on your recent engagement. You two have a lifetime of perfecting your communication skills ahead of you. Using the concepts that I have mentioned in this letter will make it easier for you. Thank you for the honor of asking for my advice and wish you many years of happiness.

Love, Tasha

References Anonymous,. Close Relationships Sometimes Mask Poor Communication. (2011, January). U.S. News & World Report,1. Retrieved January 9, 2012, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 2270370591). NARA SCHOENBERG. (2011, February 6). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of communication in marriages. Houston Chronicle,p. 7. Retrieved January 9, 2012, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID: 2260839481).
Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communication. San Diego: Bridgepoint Education.
Orbuch, T. (2007). Interpersonal Relationships, in The Blackwell Encyclopedia of Sociology, G. Ritzer (Ed.), (Oxford: Blackwell Publishing), 2390-2393.
Veroff, J., & Orbuch, T.L. (2009). Studying Marital Relationships. In an edited volume called Research Methodologies in African American Communities, Edited by J. Jackson & C. Howard (Eds.), Sage Publications.

References: Anonymous,. Close Relationships Sometimes Mask Poor Communication. (2011, January). U.S. News & World Report,1.  Retrieved January 9, 2012, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 2270370591). NARA SCHOENBERG.  (2011, February 6). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of communication in marriages. Houston Chronicle,p. 7.  Retrieved January 9, 2012, from ProQuest Newsstand. (Document ID: 2260839481). Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communication. San Diego: Bridgepoint Education. Orbuch, T. (2007). Interpersonal Relationships, in The Blackwell Encyclopedia of Sociology, G. Ritzer (Ed.), (Oxford: Blackwell Publishing), 2390-2393. Veroff, J., & Orbuch, T.L. (2009). Studying Marital Relationships. In an edited volume called Research Methodologies in African American Communities, Edited by J. Jackson & C. Howard (Eds.), Sage Publications.