Love And Life

Love and Life

What is love?
Love is an emotional action word used to show compassion and is shown through acts of kindness. Love is one of the strongest emotion and it is held above hate because it can destroy hate. Love is the reason of human life because everything revolves around love and everything was made with love and was made by love and we all can share that love but some people don’t understand how to show love and how to receive it. In my little life I had only two loves and they both didn’t last long. My first love is my father, he loved me and wanted the best for me and loved me like his own and held me close to his heart and didn’t stop and neither did I. I can’t stop loving him. He made me feel so special, loved, wanted, like I belonged, like life would be ok but when he died I felt like a part of me was cut off and it hurt. My life went south after my dad was died and I was raped and my self-worth, confidence, self-esteem was decreasing. I was in primary school and I was teased and bulled and then I started smoking and drinking I started to have sex with anyone because I didn’t care anymore, I thought that I was just like my mother and that this is all I’ll amount to and I continued until I was fed up and i started to look to men to hurt them and make them to feel what I was feeling by dating them make them feel so good about themselves and then I would take it all away when I feel that I wasn’t enjoying it anymore, when I was fed up and I would move on to a different guy and I would repeat when I did to the last but I would only pick the one who love sex and would do anything for it and who was a little emotional so they would feel it. This continued until I meet tevon. He sawed me how to kiss, he taught me that I shouldn’t fall in love to fast or I would get hurt but I don’t know why I can stop loving the way I do. But then we broke up and I continued to hurt men until I started to realize that I was hurting myself more and i decided to stop hurt them and just love them and I thought that I was in love with a few guys Sowoney, Anthony, fredreco, omarie, and Akeem but I wasn’t I was in love with the fact that I want to be in love because I felt lonely and I needed support, comfort, wanted someone to be there, I wanted someone that would understand and love me and I didn’t know who I should love. I loved and I loved hard. When I met junior. He seemed somewhat like me and he seemed to understand me. He told about his past and told me that he had change and I believed he and I fell and I fell hard. I forgot about other guys and it was just the two of us an latter on when people started to disapprove the relationship between him and me, I held on and he claimed to be stressed and fed up of the drama and stress and he broke up the relationship I cried for days and was creeping other girl and I was getting to close but then he and I got back together and he made me happy again and then broke up the relationship again for some stupid reason and got back together and the last time we broke up I was angry because I was loving him, I was supportive, sensitive to his feeling and aspirations and I did everything just like he wanted. I just wanted to be the perfect girlfriend, have his heart be the one and just make him happy but I wasn’t enough. He didn’t care. I was pregnant one time before I was with him. I was pregnant for my uncle but I throw it away and when I was pregnant for junior all of these memories came back to me and know that I lost the baby. I feel worse. I wonder if later on in my life when I am ready for a baby if I can have one. I wonder if I would be able to become a mother and I wonder if I become a mother if I would be the same as my mother or would I love my child or children to the extent that they wouldn’t have to look for it in the wrong people, that would be able to come and tell me anything and they can see that I love, trust and understand them. I want a lot of good things. I want to be a marine biologists, I want t have a wonderful husband that love god and loves me and loves himself, I want two or three kids I prefer the boy first but it might be a girl but weather a boy or girl I would love them to the end. I want a beautiful home not house, I want a truck, motorbike and a car. There are times when I am happy but then there is a time when I am sad and I don’t want to eat and I just feel worthless and useless, just plain old helpless. I can’t stop the feeling but when I try to change the feeling I just can’t cause it just gets worse and I then feel like I am fighting myself and everyone else around me is getting hurt when I fight myself. I feel as if I am a bourdon to everyone and as if I am not needed and if I am causing problems when I be myself and I feel like no one likes me and they just want to use me and hurt me and then I think If I wasn’t alive I wouldn’t be a bourdon to anyone and life would be easier without me and then all the negative words that was said to me and I wish that I was died and then look at myself in the mirror and then it’s like the words that was said I can see it written on my forehead and then I feel bad I cry to the point that that’s all I want to do and then I don’t want to eat anything and then I would see something anything and picture me hurting myself with it and then I go find something sharp and I just cut and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry and I don’t want to stop but when I am around my mom I don’t have to she doesn’t notice that I am cry but when she see that I don’t want to eat that’s another problem but then I tell her I am going to eat and I don’t cause I don’t want the tongue lashing she already have to give me. I don’t like to be told to do something I now I how to do or I know I should do it gets to me. I don’t like anyone tell me or repeating things to me that they told me about. I hate that because it makes me feel like I am stupid and like I don’t know understand when I do. I don’t like anyone putting words in my mouth and telling what to say because I would feel you think I am incapable of know what to say but there are times that I would let someone tell me what to say but that only if I don’t know what to say but once you give me an idea take it from there. I am very secretive with some things and I would rather tell someone who I trust and believe would understand and who would advise me correctly and try to put me on the right road