Monologue About Medication

I kept thinking about medication. How it works.. every single word I didn't know I researched.. I could just be curious but no.. this was worse. I didn't want to think about this. I wanted to sleep because I have to wake up early but until I don't think about it properly my mind won't settle.. then o started thinking about how kaptain might be narcissistic or sociopath or bipolar.. I had to figure it out.. It can wait .. but no it cant.. until I don't research it will linger at the back or my mind.like a burden .

This is what I mean by I think too much and I don't want to... This is how my suicidal thoughts work, my social anxiety runs on this too.. I can't stop thinking.. I want to focus on only one thing at a time and have control over it.. I guess suicide was the way in My mind to gain control... This is what's wrong
i think I'm messed up because of grade 5 and 6. I have repressed I guess, but Dad was the most depressing person to be around. Always complaining about work, blaming others for his failure, hating on people without a reason... Wanted to control everything. My siblings weren't there and I was stuck listening to his crap. I think that's when I processed that kaptain is like dad. He always made me feel bad (but he was stupid back then) he'd blame me for things I didn't do (I found a broken phone on the bed once and gave it to Mom, it had just come back from repair too, and he tells everyone I broke it, but I didn't. He started being like "it's okay. You don't have to lie" or he just bully me in general.. I guess I started fearing him. Also he was very manipulative with