Nice Ways To Say Bad Things Linda Berdoll

Very Nice Ways to Say VERY BAD THINGS
An unusual book of euphemisms

Linda Berdoll

Very Nice Ways to Say Very Bad Things g

w g w

Very

Nice by Very

ways to say

Things
An Unusual Book of Euphemisms Linda Berdoll

Copyright © 2003, 2007 by Linda Berdoll Cover © 2007 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Internal design © 2003 Carol Sue Hagood Internal graphics © 2003 Carol Sue Hagood and Johnny Alvarez Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without
permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. Published by Sourcebooks Hysteria, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 [phone] Fax: [phone] www.sourcebooks.com Originally published in 2003. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Berdoll, Linda Very Nice Ways to Say Very Bad Things / Linda Berdoll p. cm. ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0885-0 ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-2983-1 ISBN-10: 1-4022-0885-5 ISBN-10: 1-4022-2983-6 1. English language—Euphemism. 2. English language—Jargon. 3. English language—Terms and phrases. I. Title. PE1449.B4435 2007 427 —dc22 2006100787 Printed and bound in the United States of America. WC 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents
A
spersions, brickbats, carping, cavil, censure, denunciation, disparagement, reproach, opprobrium, reproof, stricture, vitriol, epithets, and vituperation 1

v

Censuring the Inherent Fool: The Lost Art 3
Shakespeare, Addressing Individual Mounds of Foul, Undigested Lumps of Donkey Entrails 19

Sacre Bleu: Profanities and Expletives 21 Oaths and General Vituperation 27 Silent Disparagement (The Bird and His Friends) 30

Circumlocution

33

Worshipping at the Shrine of Bacchus 49

its, disease, ill health, infirmity, breakdowns, affliction, ailment, attacks, bugs, collapse, complaint, confinement, convalescence, disability, disorder, disturbance, dose, failing health, flu, indisposition, malady, malaise, prostration, seizure, syndrome, a bit of unwell, and what’s been going around 53

F

Indisposition 55
Going to Europe with Ralph and Earl in a Buick 56

In the Privy 65 Afflicted by Time’s Wing’d Chariot 69

v

G

ender specific activity, femininity, manhood, manliness, masculinity, sexuality, womanhood, womanliness, intercourse between animate beings, coition, coitus, copulation, fornication, generation, intimacy, lovemaking, magnetism, procreation, relations, reproduction, sensuality, sexuality 73

v

Bewitched, Bothered and Betwattled 75 The Long Carbine 80 Dallying, Firkytoodling and Finkdiddling 83 Sex “Sain et Sauf ” 102 Men Behaving Badly 107

A Pea in the Pod 109 Misbegotten 110 Unknown to Man 112 Trafficking with Oneself 114

D

aft, mentally strange, barmy, unzipped, batty, berserk, insane, bonkers, cracked, loony, crazed, cuckoo, demented, deranged, peculiar, erratic, flaky, fruity, idiotic, insane, lunatic, mad, maniacal, nuts, potty, psycho, touched, unbalanced, unglued, unhinged, wacky

135

The Gazelles are in the Garden 137 ’N What? 142 Acknowledgements 144

v

spersions, brickbats, carping, cavil, censure, denunciation, disparagement, reproach, opprobrium, reproof, stricture, vitriol, epithets, and vituperation

You clod of puke-stocking, roastmeat for worms!

Zounds, I have been bethumped by words.
—Shakespeare

Censuring the Inherent Fool: The Lost Art ew would argue that some behavior is so abhorrent, it demands redressing. Regardless of justification—idiot drivers, impudent clerks, adolescents who have been spawn by the devil—we as a society simply cannot condone smacking the offender upside the head. (Admittedly, we institute this decision partly in deference to decorum, but also in the distinct possibility that said transgressor might be packing heat.) Since throwing the bric-a-brac can become prohibitively expensive, our only alternative is to let fly with a few choice words. That acknowledged, it is miserably apparent that standards about what is said or heard in public have become remarkably lax. What comes out of the mouths of babes nowadays would have once made a fishwife blush. Not that we deplore vehement notification of character flaws, but

F

3

chucking stock profanities about does not exhibit the exercise of intellect to which we aspire. To wit:

You stupid, fat fuck
Famous mob boss

or:

You show yourself highly fed and lowly taught.
Shakespeare

Granted, no one can hold a verbal candle to Will Shakespeare, but with a few carefully tailored ripostes, one might just leave the miscreants of society flummoxed, if not actually chastened.

4

Asp ersio

b
Hos and Hounds
Once, was one to imply a man less than a gentleman, one would have to meet him at dawn accompanied by one’s seconds. The current vogue of anti-heroes appears to have reversed such a notion. Calling a man a rogue, scoundrel, heel or even humping dog will not necessarily be an insult. Therefore, with honor now discounted, the male character flaws vulnerable for attack are intellect, cuckoldry, wimpiness and penis size.

ns, brickbats, c arpin

av g, c sure, il, cen

Call Him a Rat; Just Don’t Call Him a Mouse.

de

He’s a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly prose-breaker, the owner of no one-good quality.
Shakespeare

5

He is not only dull in himself, but is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Foote

Asp er sions, brickbats, ca rpin Homo-Boobus
To properly vilify the cabbage-headed oaf, we must, unfortunately, blaspheme the animal kingdom*—polecat, skunk, swine, baboon, (particularly effective with a British inflection) varmint, goose, or donkey. However, if one calls him a capon (a de-knackered chicken), one has hit a triple—not only is he a graceless lout, but also a eunuch— and unless he was in 4H, unlikely to comprehend the slam.

, nsure vil, ce g, ca

de

: He has no such brain as ear-wax.
Shakespeare

Dullard, dim bulb, dolt, lobberhead, or flap-doodle are inherent fools. A lurdane or sluggard is not only a fool, but a lazy fool. The particularly cantankerous ignoramus is a devil child, demon rogue, archfiend, churl, Mephistopheles, or carcass fit for dogs. If one wanted to cover all the
*(In that today few people understand that an ass is actually a four-legged animal, not the gluteal area surrounding one’s anus, we omitted it.) 7

You met your wife’s wit bases, there is Lusus naturae, which is Latin for freak of nature. To clarify the subtle difference between a jerk and a dunce, one must remember not to credit insult that can be more appropriately explained by stupidity.

c
8

The Two-timed

c

Not so very long ago if a man found his wife in bed with another man and took a shotgun to them both, it was ruled justifiable homicide. Hence, it might be wise to make certain there is a clear avenue for escape before one goes rattling this particular cage. If one does have the moxie to do it, there is only one way to go. To quote Pulp Fiction,

bri ckbat

s, carping, cavi l, cen s

ure,

one has to “get medieval on his ass.” To do so effectively, one must become intimately familiar with terms as old as the middle ages. We begin with the word cuckold, which many believe originates with the French word for cuckoo bird. This conclusion is apparently due to that dirty bird’s penchant for depositing, then abandoning, its monstrous egg into some unsuspecting little wren’s nest for it to hatch, then attempt to feed. History has writ cuckoldry a shooting offense, giving us to understand quite clearly that men do not want another’s cuckoo baby in their nest. In that the cuckoo egglayer and proprietress of said nest are both female should

n ciatio denun

,d

goin g to your neighbor’s bed.
Shakespeare

9

throw a monkey wrench in this entire affronted manhood stuff, but as far as we can determine, it has not.

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
Du Bois

The derivations of most of our terms for cheating appear to be some convolution of the definition for horn—hard protuberance, e.g. penis, and cornu—horn-shaped anatomical characteristic. Indeed, there was a mythical beast called a bicorn, which, legend says, used to eat husbands who had unfaithful wives (as to why these victims of infidelity were the ones preyed upon, our crack team of researchers have been unable to ascertain). Then there is the Greek legend of Artemis who caught Actaeon peeking while she was bathing and turned him into a stag, thereupon causing his own hounds to eat him—which maybe served him right.

10

bri ckbat

s, carping, cavi l, cen s

ure,

Hence, the poor cuckold is doomed to suffer, not only his wife’s infidelity, but being taunted as a cornuto or buck’s face (has horns, you know), suffering the forked plague, prey to the bicorn, or, get this, wearing Vulcan’s badge:

n ciatio denun

,d

The roof of Vulcan, her, by many a gift Seduced, Mars won, and with adult’rous lust The bed dishonour’d of the King of fire.
Cowper—The Odyssey of Homer

One must concede that in issuing the jibe, Vulcan’s badge, it could be misconstrued. A certain element of the population may not understand that in this context, Vulcan pertains to the God of Fire and has nothing whatsoever to do with Star Trek. A wittol is aware he is being cheated on and puts up with it (what was Camilla Parker Bowles’ husband’s name anyway?). If he is aware and enraged, he is horn-mad. If he is cheating on her, she is a cuckquean and usually The Last to Know. If the correspondent in this affair is a man, he is, indeed, Actaeon. His female counterpart is an inconstant, faithless sore in the side of a man and, no doubt, a wanton hussy. The entire activity is, quite aptly, named cornucopia —horn of plenty (we suppose, because there is plenty of horniness going on).

ATTENTION:

It is imperative that when one inflicts any of the above abuse, it must be done with extreme superciliousness, else its just not gonna work.

11

What a candy-ass!

The Invertebrate

arp ing, cav il, censure, de nun

In cockfighting, a white tail feather among the plumage of a gamecock denotes inferior breeding and therefore a less combative rooster. When calling a person’s courage into question, the accusation of showing a white feather may now seem a bit obscure, but for centuries, it was tantamount to saying “what a candy-ass.” In common parlance a cur is a mongrel dog, but its second definition dating also from the thirteenth century, is coward. From the Middle Ages comes recreant, which as an adjective describes a begging of mercy (we understand not an uncommon occurrence during those times) and by token, one who does so, a coward.* In the first half of the 18th century, funk meant “a state of paralyzing fear,” hence one who funks is, too, a coward. As to how and why this term was usurped by the music industry in the ‘70s remains a mystery, but it will arbitrarily remove the word funky from possible cowardly insults.
*If faced with being drawn and quartered we are not certain who among us would not go down screaming like a woman bringing forth child.

c

He led his regiment from behind, He found it less exciting.
W.S. Gilbert

ciat
13

rage dispa ion,

me

Cowardice is distinguished from panic by the inability to suspend the imagination.
Therefore, the terms that imply the lack of stalwartness of someone’s innards are: lilylivered, yellow-bellied, spineless, faint, or chicken-hearted, pantywaist, or a gutless wonder. One might avoid wimp and big baby—they lack imagination. Woody Allen says he is not a hypochondriac, but an alarmist. That makes our list, as does milquetoast, caitiff, craven, dastard, or poltroon. Save sissy-britches or wienie for when one has to pull out the big artillery.

VFYI:

We note a rectal sub-category as it relates to the frightened. First, there is the pucker factor, which refers to the degree of fear that causes one’s sphincter to tighten. Contrarily is the green heron or shitepoke which, when startled into flight, defecates. It goes without saying that whatever category one may find oneself in when, say, one’s aircraft plummets or the IRS makes inquiries, should remain between oneself and one’s laundress.

He Who Is Not Nick-Named Tripod
There was an old man named Ringer, Who was seducing a beautiful singer. He said with a grin, “Now, I’ve got it in.” Said she, “You mean that’s not your finger?”
14

arp ing, cav il, censure, de nunc

Of the euphemisms we uncovered for a man less favored by nature (hung like a chicken, pencil-dick and bugfucker), we can only recommend under-endowed and three-inch fool, so this entry will be blessedly small (no pun intended).

The Five-Letter Woman
:

She was a woman of mean understanding, Little information and uncertain temper.
Jane Austen

Historically the most effective means to rebuke any woman was to disparage her virtue (that or possibly her fashion sense). Nowadays, un-virtuous and unladylike are probably as useless as insults go as un-gentlemanly. Yet however ubiquitous its use, we can agree that calling a disreputable female a bitch (or even puppy’s mama) is not only common, but an insult to female dogs. Harpy, harridan, slattern, or shrew may be vintage, but they are just pithy enough for general reproach of shrill, hateful behavior. When faced with an irredeemably cantankerous woman, she may well be the Devil’s Sister. (If she appears to find this in any way complimentary, a keen sense of self preservation might suggest one run like a cheap pair of pantyhose.)

c

p on, dis iati

e arag

me

F r

oul Sluts

Even if the succubus that one’s brother intends to marry is a fornicatress that has seen more pricks than a dartboard, we encourage one not to refer to her as a slut, tramp, hussy, trollop, roundheeled floozy, or dirtylegged Jezebel. One might get away with “she’s been around the block more times than the Good Humor man” to others, but unless he actually asks your opinion, one might do well to refrain from comment at all. Other analogies for that woman who has been laid on every flat rock in three counties include the town pump or any noun that can

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

16

be ridden: bicycle, hobby horse, barber’s chair, ferry, hackney, taxi, etc. A badger is a loose woman who is particularly ill-scented. Disclaimer: This information is offered only for elucidative purposes.

VFYI:

If one believes that a woman is of accommodating morals and decides to say so publicly, one has bewhored her (or, depending on one’s ‘hood, possibly beho-ed her). Be certain that she doesn’t mind the advertisement or have your affairs in order, for it is said: “Hell hath no fury like pussy with a pistol.”

17

Y’wanna piece of me, sweetie?

Dog City
If while mentally cruising some parallel universe, one believes it a good idea to slander a masculine woman, at least have the good sense to avoid calling her a diesel-dyke or hell pig. Virago, beldame, trolleymog, daggletail, or buffarilla mean precisely the same thing and their relative obscurity may offer one just enough time to elude being beaten to a pulp.

OTE: We have been told that if one is in a Spanish-speaking country, it is also advisable not to compliment a strong woman by calling her macha.

VN

w
At a loss for words, hockey puck? Quote Shakespeare.
BULLETIN: The unparalleled king of insults is not Don Rickles. As has certainly not passed one’s notice, Shakespeare marshals up gems of abuse that would whoosh right over the average boor’s head. Therefore, appropriating The Bard’s

18

words to one’s own needs will serve a dual purpose. It confounds the ignorant and catches the erudite off guard. Hence:

avi l, c ensu re, denunciatio n, d

Shakespeare, Addressing Individual Mounds of Foul, Undigested Lumps of Donkey Entrails: for those of the female persuasion
Hag of hell, fat chuff, latten bilbo (brass shackles), painted maypole, long-tongued babbling gossip, and Amazonian trull.

For men who have fallen out of one’s favor
False hound, untutored churl, rank weed, insolent cracker, unlettered small-knowing soul, odoriferous stench, pigeon-egg of discretion, dilatory sloth, homely swain, clod of wayward marl, dunghill groom, puke-stocking, improvident flea, ronyon (mangy or scabby creature), roastmeat for worms, princox (fop), cacoethes (one with insatiable desire, usually disreputable), mad mustachio’d purple-hued maltworm, prick-eared cur of—(fill in the name of town, school, or neighborhood the cur claims as home), and whoreson.

for one’s boss
Old feeble carrion, scolding crookbank, embossed carbuncle, white-livered-red-faced prince of fiends, cacodemon (evil spirit), maggot pie, execrable wretch, beef-witted, or sodden-witted implorer of unholy suits.

to verbally backhand group obnoxiousness
You rabble of vile confederates, herd of boils and plagues, petty spirits of region low, strangely visited people, foul and pestilent congregation of vapors, college of witcrackers, dissolute crew, or base lackey peasants.
19

c

ep ent, r ragem ispa

ro

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain

Sacre Bleu: Profanities and Expletives

w
The “F” ing Word & Other Intensives
Veritable, sure enough, or bona-fide are perfectly respectable intensifiers when one needs, well, emphasis. Unfortunately, fucking seems to be the hands-down pejorative of choice in modern society. This being the case, we believe a little historical perspective couldn’t hurt . . . No matter how many people believe it true, it is highly unlikely that the word “fuck” is an acronym of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge or that other old chestnut, Fornicate Under Consent of the King. Eric Partridge believed it evolved from the German word ficken for “to strike.” Like most, he found the word objectionable. He, however, categorized it along with words that he considered sadistic representations of the male’s part in copulation: clap, strike, thump, nail, and, yes, bang. Webster’s offers the derivations,

21

fokken (Dutch, to breed) or fokka (Swedish, to copulate).
Others suggest the French word foutre, to thrust, and even firk (English 1600’s), to beat or to lash. However it originated, it has been in use and considered a vulgarity the better part of a millennium. As an intensive, Webster’s calls it meaningless. There are those who would disagree. To avoid inciting an affronted swoon by the more sensitive souls of society, acronyms have been embraced in place of a number of phrases that include the “f” word. Specifically, we have GFY, which instructs one to do something anatomically impossible (Go Fuck Yourself ); GFU, a moron (General Fuck-Up); and NFW, an implausibility (No Fucking Way). Related acronyms include SNAFU, a cynical expectation of any situation in which the military is involved (Situation Normal, All Fucked-Up); FUBAR, unrecognizably mussed (Fucked-Up Beyond All Recognition); and there is the sarcastic BFD (Big Fucking Deal). Additionally, when one has been indisputably wronged, one has been RF—Royally Fucked (also known as the king’s elevator—the royal shaft). Just for the record, a flying fuck is what one does not give, not airborne copulation. And abso-fucking-lutely means beyond a shadow of a
doubt.

22

avi l, cens ure, denunci

c

w
Merde

ation, di

p nt, re ageme spar

The four-letter word for defecation has been in use for eons—which allows that antiquity does not necessarily dictate grand lexicon. It is possible to avoid the vulgarity of the word shit completely, as feces, manure, and dung all mean the same thing. (Small point of interest: feces refer to human waste, manure and dung, animal.) Other selections tend to be polysyllabic but are colorful—meadow dressing, bovine excrement, horse apples, corral confetti, etc. Granted, if one is discussing political matters, it may be impossible to avoid using (or even shouting) bullshit. However, if one does not want to compromise decorum completely, that can be shortened to B.S. Or, call it hogwash, heifer dust, or lip-gloss. Bull-chips might do in a pinch but, in all probability, not what pops out of one’s mouth when faced with ultimate doom (at which time one will most likely be up Shit Creek). Indeed, sources report that when the black boxes are recovered from airplane crash sites, invariably the last words on the tape are “Uh-oh,” “Fuck!” and “Oh, shit. ” Of course, one can use the French, merde or speak of “a short French expletive” which would in fact allow one to perform a rather impressive circumlocutory hat trick, a euphemism for a euphemism for euphemism. When one finds it necessary to point out the limitations of another’s character via the
23

ro

alimentary canal, it is our position that it is preferable to enlist mock Latin such as excrementum cerebellum vincit rather than call someone a shit-head. Other expressions that would benefit such translation are: shit list (a mental note of personae non gratae); the shitty end of the stick (the bad end of a bargain—often known as the shaft); to shit or get off the pot (or fish or cut bait). To shit in high cotton is to have attained a higher standard of living. But not knowing shit from Shinola—well, that means . . . owing to stupidity one cannot tell feces from shoe polish. Someone whose continued presence is an
24

avi l, cens ure, denunci

annoyance sticks like shit to a shovel. Alternatively, shit on wheels reflects an over-inflated opinion of oneself. (We, however, could in no way determine how one could deign this to be a self-compliment). Shit a brick technically means discharging a copious and compacted bowel movement, but colloquially it refers to accomplishing the impossible. Lastly, to be so angry as to perform said impossibility is engaging in a shit-fit (also known as pitching a bitch). Certainly there are Latin instructors standing by to assist us.

c

ation, di

p nt, re ageme spar

ro

w
Vexed
As ancient a word as is piss, it was not until the last century that humankind found use for it beyond the single verb or noun. Nowadays, if one is pissed off, one is actually choleric (and undoubtedly with one’s panties in a bunch or knickers in a knot). Shakespeare expressed it thusly: “You do me the most insupportable vexation.” Other urinary-based euphemisms and their more civilized translations: full of piss and vinegar (effervescent), piss away (squander the inheritance—leaving oneself without a pot to piss in), and piss blood (work with extreme diligence). A piss-ass is a worthless individual (occasionally called an arseworm), to engage in a pissing match is an endeavor that is certain to be unproductive, and if one is piss-poor, one is monetarily disadvantaged (e.g., without cable).
25

Full a’ piss and vinegar, ye’ are!

Piss ugly is extremely unattractive and if piss-faced, one is overly medicated by alcohol. The heretofore unheard of, pissed as a newt has come to our attention. As we have not personally been confronted by an outraged salamander, we are uncertain of the etymology or history of this term. We can only labor under the supposition that in this situation, “pissed” does mean vexed, for we believe one even less likely to come across a drunken newt than a mean one.

OTE: The colorful late U. S. Vice President, John Nance Garner is oft quoted as saying the office of Vice President was not worth a bucket of warm spit. Those who knew the man insist he didn’t use the word, “spit.”
26

VN

Oaths and General Vituperation f a potty mouth forsakes stock curses and lets fly with the likes of Jumpin’ Jehosaphat, just imagine the stunned silence. Likewise, pshaw, Land a Goshen, Lord love a duck, criminey, Ye Gods and little Fishes, pish-tosh, My

I

Well, bugger my giddy aunt.

Great Aunt Gussie—or as Great Aunt Gussie might say, hells bells and panther tracks! While we understand these oaths are insufficiently obscene for some, calling someone a pinhead instead of a fuck-head will neither get one ticketed nor beat like a one-legged step-child.

w
The Abode of the Wicked Dead
Down, down to hell; and say I sent thee thither
Shakespeare

Technically hell is the nether realm of the devil in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment. In other words, a real sticky wicket. The word in and of itself is not naughty. Nevertheless, everyone knows (or at least suspects) that damning someone to it is considered a blasphemy. Hence, it is not surprising that an entire cottage industry of euphemistic splendor has erupted from that word’s roots. Indeed, the lengths to which people go to say it without “saying it” is quite remarkable: Hades, Hail Columbia, blue blazes, Cain, tarnation, Sam Hill, Kingdom Come, You Know Where, or any place that implies “down there,” the hot place, netherworld, lower regions, etc. Although

28

ens ure, de

the Victorians gave us heck, perdition has been a suitable alternative since the 14th century. Today we seldom hear the once popular Go to Helen B. Happy. A shame, really. Hellacious is a multi-purpose adjective that can mean either: exceptionally powerful, remarkably good, extremely difficult or extraordinarily large. To be hell-bent is recklessly determined come hell or high water.

c

nunciation, dis para

ge m pr ent, re

, oach

op

w
Doggone and Up Yours
Oh darn, dang, confound, consarn, dagnab, dash, blank, or blast followed by it, are all euphemistic replacements for the word, damn. All denounce someone or something as evil. Truly genteel society frowns on these seemingly benign adjectives as well as bloody, bleeding, blamed, all-fired, dad-gummed, dratted, and cotton-picking. At one time, a curse was serious business. No one took lightly being consigned by another to hell, which may be why Go to the Devil morphed into Kiss My Ass. Go jump in the lake or take a long walk off a short pier are only nicer sounding ways to tell someone to fold it five ways and shove it where the sun don’t shine.

29

Silent Disparagement (The Bird and His Friends)
A lthough many think of it as contemporary, digitus infamis or digitus impudicus (infamous or indecent finger) as a phallic symbol has been referenced in literary works as early as ancient Rome. Mad-as-a-hatter Caligula was rumored to hold up his middle finger for supplicants to kiss. There is the obvious suggestion of genitalia in fist and extended middle finger, but we have heard that during early warfare, captured enemy archers had their fingers removed so they couldn’t draw a bow. Therefore, holding up two fingers (index and middle) backwards to one’s enemy signified one could still do them damage. One could premise that’s pretty much saying “f--- you.” From the fight scene in Romeo & Juliet, which commenced with the snapping of thumbnail under the front teeth, to Texas A&M’s upraised “Gig ‘Em

ens ure, de

Aggies” thumb, we see the ultimate insult can be insinuated by other than extended middle finger. In the Arab world, palm down, middle finger waggling downward means the same as raised middle finger in the West.

VFYI: The little finger offered as suggestion of a, shall we say, modestly proportioned male part is not of modern origin. Seek ye the Bible. I Kings 12:10.

c

nunciation, dis para

ge m
31

pr ent, re

, oach

op

To express general disrespect, there is the Cock a Snook, also known as Ann’s Fan or Pulling Bacon, which is the thumb on nose, fingers waving.
To grasp one elbow and raise a fist is one of the commonest insult found worldwide, but is not universal. That title must go to displaying one’s naked backside. Anthropologists say mooning predates Braveheart and, loosely translated, meant “eat shit.”

After the fall of Bagdad, we saw Iraqis beating the tar out of portraits and statues of Saddam Hussein with their shoes, revealing to westerners one of the strongest insults of their culture—that of sticking the sole of your shoe in someone’s face. As there are any number of variations of armpit, bicep, fist, finger, thumb, nose, crotch and spit . . . maneuvers to express disrespect in different cultures, if one must hail a cab, say, in Greece or New York, do so with all due caution.

32
Circumlocution
Because we often toss them about willy-nilly, we may forget that euphemisms serve a greater purpose than merely keeping the ladies at a garden party from glaring at us over the top of their spectacles. A glib turn of phrase can spare wounded feelings, a few mincing words keep lawyers at bay. Until the Victorian era, however, the euphemistic mother lode had not really begun to be mined. Once Queen Victoria was on her throne and her minions on high alert, there was little that couldn’t be accused of having a sexual, and therefore, evil, connotation. Everything had to be renamed. Hence, a bull became a cow’s spouse and one’s buttocks, sit-upons. One can only imagine how dicey it must have been sitting down at Sunday dinner for some poor soul trying to ask for a specific piece of chicken.

w
A Woman of Expansive Sensibilities
Paphos was an ancient city of Cypress known for worshipping Aphrodite. The well-traveled, or at least well-read,
33

Victorian men found it quite sly to call a prostitute or her doings, Paphian. Further 19th century circumlocution favored demimondaine, academician, abbess, courtesan, Fille de jolie (fun gal) or nymph du pave (streetwalker). The term of choice for those whose professions or predilections sought to save her soul: she was a fallen woman. One rarely hears of a lady of certain description or painted woman anymore, but one would have to be pretty obtuse not to understand the meaning. A little more recent is woman of the night, streetwalker, naughty girl, and commercial sex worker. A quick check of our Yellow Pages did not uncover services by call girls. However, escort, model, and actress listings are numerous and offer “discreet billing.” As for the specific establishment where these shenanigans take place, a century ago it was referred to as a leaping academy, vaulting school, disorderly house, knocking

enu ncia

Dividing the spoils?

shop, or chamber of commerce. However dated that sounds, one must agree that today’s snake ranch or slut hut is not much of an improvement. Granted, whorehouse is to the point, but just a tad crude. If compelled to speak of it, polite society might say it is a brothel, place of accommodation, bagnio, or seraglio. Or, depending on your frame of mind, house of ill-repute. Furthering the subject, we proffer that he who pimps prostitutes is not a pussy peddler, hole-toller, buttock broker, vent renter, or crack salesman, but a panderer, procurer, or the French, sounteneur, and with or without pimpmobile, undoubtedly, a louse (editorially speaking). For he who thinks he is pulling the wool over by describing she who is gyrating upon his lap as an exotic dancer rather
35

d

tion, disparage ment,

rep

ob , oppr roach

riu

than a stripper, be advised, he can go one step further in self- (or wife) delusion. Employing the term ecdysiast is even more oblique. Although ecdysis does sound like a moderately uncomfortable medical procedure, it is actually the molting or shedding of a skin like a snake.

w
Men Much Taken With Wenching
As lechery appears to be an accepted major by college-age males, modern vernacular has responded. Nowadays, he who pursues such activities with undue vigor is a walking hard-on. If the little stud muffin has seen more tail than a toilet seat, when the dean writes home of his expulsion, he may be described as of distempered blood and duteous to vices. (Well, maybe if he was at Oxford.) We can call him a debaucher, libertine, flesh-monger, incubus, Lothario, insatiate, or roué, but it doesn’t make him any less

36

enu ncia

irredeemable. Of course, if he insists he is a man of the world by way of visiting three county fairs and a goatfucking, he undoubtedly is a bon viveur.

d

tion, disparage ment,

rep

ob , oppr roach

riu

w
The Prevaricator
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Honest Bob’s At one time, to question a Used person’s honesty was no trivWagons ial matter. Such was its consequence; one dare not bandy the word liar about. ThereIf you seek the finest for fore, the more innocent prethe least, Honest Bob varicator was often accused can procure it for you. of only spinning a windy or embroidering the truth. A mountebank would lie like a rug, and a charlatan was crooked as a barrel of snakes. To piss in someone’s pocket means one is feeding him a pack of lies.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain

37

It’s hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
H.L. Mencken

38

ispa ragement, reproach,

Current euphemisms such as terminological inexactitude and economy with the truth dilly-dally about. When last we checked, thou shalt not bear false witness against one’s neighbor was still the ninth commandment. So “I misspoke” won’t cut it with the keeper of the pearly gates.

A lie is an abomination to the Lord and a very present help in trouble.
Adlai Stevenson

Although not technically lying, pettifoggery fits into this category for general unscrupulousness. Since the 16th century, it has described the antics of two or more lawyers haggling unceasingly about minute matters thereby inflating their client’s bill—thus proving the old axiom about the more things change, the more they stay the same. Q. Why do lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

d

opp

repro rium, rob

of,

st

w
Tuft Hunters and Suck-ups
In English colleges such as Oxford, the aristocrats wore special tassels (tufts) on their mortarboard hats to denote their status. The more obsequious among the student body sought them out, ergo—tuft-hunters. To most, these truly annoying suck-ups are sycophants. If overtaken by an undeniable need to publicly decry this character flaw, one might whip out one’s French dictionary and sniff “leche-cul” (butt-kisser) right in the servile flatterer’s face. Once out of high school, however, it is advisable to sling more derogatory comments such as bootlicker and brown-noser behind the back. If you do cast this particular stone, understand that bootlicker is associated with the habit of kissing the feet of kings and therefore conveys a modicum of respectability (only barely). However, it is often overlooked that brown-noser refers to the result of smooching another part of the anatomy. Shakespeare called them all puling pickthanks.

40

ispa ragement, reproach,

d

w
In the Altogether

opp

repro rium, rob
41

of,
By definition, if one finds oneself in dishabille, one is carelessly attired. In truth, that French term is often nothing less than an outright accusation of misconduct. Not only has one been cited for having one’s clothes in a muss, but also by having them become that way because one has been fooling around. Standard advice: Gather whatever dignity one is able to muster, deny everything and make a brisk exit.

st

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

If caught without a stitch in the great outdoors, one is au natural. If indoors and can strike a pose, one is nude. In the case of being stark-ballock-naked and in a compromising situation, one is nekkid.* No defense—beat a hasty retreat without the bugle call.

w
The Part that Goes Over the Fence Last
It is never necessary to use that three-letter word regardless whether it has been in use since the 12th century. Nor the four-letter one short for buttocks. Just say buttocks. Or bottom, behind, or rear end for heaven’s sake. If that is just too simple and one feels the need to express oneself more floridly, we suggest posterior, derriere, ampersand, parts behind, prat (hence, pratfall), differential, fanny, fleshy part of the thigh, blind cheeks, bum, or tushy. However we would like not, one hears, of course, of ying-yang, wazoo, and poop-chute. Or if you prefer the cloak of Latin, gluteus maximus.

*This southern colloquialism, often preceded by “buck,” is differentiated from naked thusly: “Naked” means you do not have any clothes on. “Nekkid” means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to no good.

42

epr oach, oppr

There once was a woman from Mass Who had an enormously large ass when asked does it wiggle she replied with a giggle No, but it occasionally does pass gas.

r

obrium, repr oof

, st r
43

, icture

l vitrio

,e

w
The Endomorph

He sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along.
Shakespeare

“A goodly bulk,” Shakespeare also called it. But even on those rare occasions when an absolute description is unavoidable, however ample the avoirdupois, we believe buffalobutt, barge-assed, or hopper-hipped are unnecessarily mean. Weightadvantaged would be discreet. With corpulent, obese, or endomorphic, one gets the broad-beamed picture. Callipygian or Rubenesque are downright complimentary.
It is a long-held defense for having an amply fleshed mate that one is assured of optimum warmth in the winter and shade in the summer. Conversely, lore tells of a guy of disturbingly low

epr oach, oppr

morals and poor initiative who only dates fat girls because he figures, “They don’t have much willpower.”

We are seeking out the purveyors of these stories in order to exact retribution.

r

obrium, repr oof

, st r
, icture

l vitrio

,e

OTE: Any abuse is allowable if it is indemnified by the “bless her heart” clause. The only criteria for its application is that one can either claim Southern heritage or manage a credible Southern drawl when it is employed: “That girl is so fat, bless her heart, if she sat on a bug it would fossilize in five minutes.”
Clarification: In the South, a boy or a girl is anyone under the age of 60.

VN

w
Ill-Favored by Nature
Whether or not a person looks like they fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, one certainly would not want to make this observation within their earshot. If it becomes necessary to describe an unprepossessing person to a third party and one does not want to be

Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Proverb

The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason why he made so many of them.
Abraham Lincoln

out-right deceptive, said person might be described as unlovely, disagreeable to the eye, or a bit homely. Do avoid butt-ugly at all costs (impolitic remarks have a nasty history of payback).

The Paper Bag Rule
If only one paper bag over the head is necessary to keep from frightening children, one is uncomely. Two paper bags, admittedly hard-featured. Three paper bags, o.k., butt-ugly. If the person in question is a close friend or relative, said person is plain but has a good personality. Postscript: If one would chew off an arm in the morning to escape undetected from a one-nighter who looked all right when they said, “Last Call,” that person is Coyote Ugly (owing to a coyote’s supposed willingness to chew off a limb to get out of a steel-jaw trap).
46

ppr ob rium , rep

In our western regions, if one looks a bit worse for the wear, one has been rode hard and put up wet. If this colloquialism needs explaining, then it would be wise not to try to work that dog won’t hunt into the conversation either.

o

roof, strictu re

, vi triol, ts epithe

an

w
Short Pockets
A small-statured person is not sawed-off nor suffering from duck’s disease (short legs), but is vertically-challenged, abbreviated, a bit close to the ground, compact, diminutive, petite, slight, undersized, wee, or not tall. Alternately one with exceedingly long legs may have high pockets and run like a dromedary with the staggers, but it would be kinder to describe him as lean, lanky, or rangy. She is statuesque, unless, of course she is a carbon copy of Olive Oyl. If this is the case, one might want to disregard bony, emaciated, scrawny, living stick, or skeletal and rely on slender or a bit spare.

w
Buck-Toothed
As to why the French describe someone with protruding teeth as dents a l’anglaise, we shall, in the name of diplomacy, not look to the British throne.

47

And ale for my steeds!

Bacchus hath drowned more men than Neptune
Dr. Thomas Fuller

Worshipping at the Shrine of Bacchus

w
Killing a Few Brain Cells
Webster’s first definition for bibulous is “highly absorbent,” which is probably why its second definition describes one who over-imbibes on alcoholic substances. Over-imbibers are also: besotted, befuddled, bleary-eyed, blotto, soused, bombed, Bosco Absoluto, adrip, afloat, wall-eyed, cupshot, lit, likkered up, walking on rock socks, or stinking drunk. An oenophile is a lover of wine. With the addition of a prepositional phrase such as “of legendary proportions,” said drinker is a wino.

The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that drunks don’t have to attend all those meetings.
How we identify inebriates today is not half so eloquent as did our forefathers. Their excessive quaffers were called
49

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. belch-guts, bibblers, biled owls, bloaters, boosey-cocks, bubbing-culls, cadgers, fuddle-caps, fuddlers, groghounds, gullions, guttles, large-heads (a hands-down favorite), lick-spigots, lick-wimbles, moist-uns, plonkdots, squiffs, and tosspots.

The productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
Anon

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you.
Dylan Thomas

50

proo f, st

re

ricture, vitriol ,

w
Paying for It

epith

perat nd vitu et s a

crapulous \ kra-pye-les\ adj [LL crapulosus, fr. L crapula intoxication, fr. Gk kraipale ] (1536) 1 : marked by intemperance esp. in eating or drinking 2 : sick from excessive indulgence in liquor If not behind the wheel, intemperance can be relatively benign. Indeed, a crying jag is embarrassing but hardly lethal. Be forewarned, even wearing beer goggles (optically impaired by drink) can get a limb chewed off (see coyote ugly). In one’s armor (fighting drunk) is the best way to get ass-whupped. We don’t even want to talk about the infamous brewer’s droop (also known as whiskey dick). While the morning after one may be spitting feathers, visited by the brown bottle flu implies a trip to Europe with Ralph and Earl in a Buick.

ion

I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W.C. Fields

The beezie-weezies sound kind of cute. If you have them it means an array of colorful visitors from the animal kingdom have come to call on you (pink elephants, blue devils, red spiders, a black dog, or snakes—of any hue—in one’s boots).
51

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

They are also synonymous with the screaming meemies, a term a tad more accurate. But the presence of either means the delirium tremens or DTs have invaded. And, if on the wagon is not something the afflicted has yet contemplated, clearly, the time is at hand.

VFYI:
52

St. Bibiana, 4th century Spanish Patron Saint of hangovers

its, disease, ill health, infirmity, breakdowns, affliction, ailment, attacks, bugs, collapse, complaint, confinement, convalescence, disability, disorder, disturbance, dose, failing health, flu, indisposition, malady, malaise, prostration, seizure, syndrome, a bit of unwell, and what’s been going around

I need to see the Duchess of York.

Indisposition
They do not fall under the canopy of saving face, litigation, nor feelings. No, these situations have to be the reason euphemisms were invented in the first place.

w
Gastro-Intestinal Disorder
Few of life’s miseries have escaped schoolyard ridicule, occasionally even put to rhyme. Therefore, it is not surprising that lower intestinal disturbance inspired at least one school-age ditty—“When you’re sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea . . .” There is an array of frank terms that describe not the bowel disorder itself, but the rapid response it necessitates. Hence, far too often we hear the runs, quickstep, sprints, trots, scoots, scatters, etc. Yet, admittedly, any of these are preferable to excusing oneself to company by declaring onset of the screaming shits. Additionally, if on one’s vacation one has an attack of the turistas, assigning specific ethnic blame

Going to Europe with Ralph and Earl in a Buick
If one is sick to one’s stomach, we believe that is all the information one needs to share. Throwing up or vomiting are also perfectly good descriptive terms. It has been our experience, once that announcement has been made, everyone pretty much gets out of your way on the way to the lavatory. We reduce ourselves to the indelicacy of delineating regurgitation euphemisms for no other reason than it is an absolute playground for onomatopoetic words such as gurk, urp, and barf. With one’s head stuck down the big white phone, one can talk to Earl, Ralph, or Cousin Sis, call Hughie or cry Ruth. Invariably, the most colorful are offered up by friends of the vomitee recounting the entire event to avid listeners: flash the hash, flay the fox, feed the fish, drive the Buick, bow to the porcelain altar, hug the throne, toss tacos, woof cookies, laugh at the carpet, launch one’s lunch, de-food, bestow a Technicolor yawn, heave Jonah, blow beets, park a custard, or go see the Duchess of York. Evidently, there is bovine sub-category provision for the escalation of vomiting: to bison (be nauseated), yak (very nauseated), or water buffalo (throw up one’s toenails).

Fit s, d i sease, ill health, infi rmity

,b

on flicti ns, af kdow rea

such as Montezuma’s revenge, Dehli-belly, Mexican twostep, Spanish squirts, Botswana bop, or Cairo crud does nothing to improve international goodwill. Let’s face it, unless one is sitting on the edge of an examining table wearing nothing but a gaping hospital gown, “I am unwell,” is pretty much all anyone needs to tell.

,a

w
Pussyfooting around The Curse
When OTR (on the rag) or having that time of the month, few occurrences engender more verbal pussyfooting (again, no pun intended) than women’s troubles. Victorian ladies suffered from domestic affliction. So general a term, however, could mean either the sink is stopped up or one’s husband is a cur. Today we seldom hear of the flowers, floods, vapors, wretched calendar, or high tide. While weathering feminine complaint, then as now, not only can one entertain the general or fly the red flag, one can have the painters in, a wet weekend, endure wallflower week, or a visit from Aunt flo. When the British have landed (wearing red coats), the Captain is at home and it is BENO time (there’ll be no fun). Inevitably, the onset of one’s menstrual period requires covering the waterfront by the wearing of a sanitary
57

product. It is preferable to specify perineal pad or tampon by brand name (Kotex, Tampax, etc.), else one is left with a hopeless number of riding analogies: the cotton bicycle, red stallion, white sling, white horse, or fanny mattress. From a male point of view, this item is identified as peter-cheater or manhole cover which, while applicable, are in poor taste. Pleasure garden padlock sounds oh-so-refined, but we haven’t conjured an occasion when this, as a topic of general conversation, was.

w
Crawling Creatures
When once only an accusation one screamed at the opposite sex at recess, cooties have become a renewed nuisance, not only to school children, but to the population in general. (There are those who blame this phenomenon entirely on the hippie generation.) One would think such progress would have birthed a parallel vocabulary. That seems not the case. Euphemisms for pediculosis, while dated, are interesting: light troops, active citizens, bosom chums, familiars, walking dandruff, intimate friends, and seam squirrels.
58

VNOTE: Lobby lice are found in hotels, but of the two-legged variety, not eight.

59

Genital or crab lice are crotch pheasants and pants rabbits. Lice are chats, hence, technically, a chatty person is not loquacious, but slovenly. That nightly admonition to not let them bite not withstanding, few of us ever encounter bedbugs anymore. To the Victorians, they were a fact of life, yet a troubling conundrum. The more fastidious citizens of society refused to utter the word “bug” because of its unfortunate connotation (see The Love That Durst Not Speak Its Name). Hence, the pesky critters were known as gentlemen in brown, B-flats, or Norfolk Howard (which may or may not reference either the War of the Roses or Flodden Field—far too obscure for a non-Anglophile to ascertain).

w
Social Diseases
Disgraceful disorders refer specifically to gonorrhea (the clap) and syphilis (the pox). Other substitutes are: bad blood, nasty complaint, bone ache, foul disease, delicate taint, pintle fever, fire down below, forget-me-not, Venus’ curse, and infinite malady. Historically, however, such misfortune appears to have incited unlimited opportunity to disparage various ethnicities: French measles, Neapolitan favor, Spanish gout, Irish mutton, and Rangoon itch.

60

ail men t , attack s, bugs, coll

apse, c om

w
Foul Emanations
There once were two men in black suits who had trouble controlling their poots At lunch one finally said As the other nodded his head We should switch now from beans to fruits

onfi int, c pla nt, neme

con

Breaking Wind
Should one befoul the air with an unduly emphatic noise, one has committed a rouser. If one got by, it was a blind-fart also known the acronym SBD— silent but deadly. Anything in between is a backfire, backdoor trumpet, bad powder, buck-snort, or bathtub bubble. In addition, a whistle britches can suffer butter’s revenge or pocket thunder.
61

This is the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
Shakespeare

Under these audible circumstances (if the dog is unavailable to blame), someone might have stepped on a frog, talked German (supposed guttural reference), cut a rusty, sliced the cheese, or shot rabbits. If any of these aforementioned indiscretions occur and the offender does not know to look suspiciously at others, then that person does not deserve to inhabit polite society. As already observed, when one is beset by gastrointestinal disorder, there is little discretionary reaction time. We shall assume any sullying of the air, too, is inadvertent, giving all transgressors (you know who you are) blanket clemency.

62

on vale s cen

There once was a wonderful wizard who had a great pain in his gizzard So he ate wind and snow at 50 below and farted a forty day blizzard.

VFYI: Breaking wind was actually a great party trick in the Renaissance. Even Dante wrote of a fartiste who made a trumpet of his ass. At the turn of last century, a French nightclub performer, Joseph Pujol, reportedly plied his artistry in the Moulin Rouge. Although known to play O Solo Mio on the ocarina, his tour de force was an anal rendition of Claire de Lune.

c

ce, disability, disorde r, d

ce, rban istu

dose,

fail

ing

Dog Breath
If one’s breath is strong enough to carry coal, could fell a horse at twenty paces, or smells like the Chinese army has walked through one’s mouth in their sweat socks, one has halitosis.

d ke cre ature sne a me . So i ne o his mouth a atr int nd used it as a l

all sm

woodland

63

In the Privy

w
Calls of Nature
In Elizabethan time, the place of ease was known as a jakes, this was eventually corrupted to ajax. Derivation of another more oft used term for the facilities, the loo remains under disagreement. Some like l’eau (French for water), others insist it lieu (as in “place”). Nonetheless, euphemisms for the room that contains a toilet can fall into two categories. In the first, based on the concept of contrary connotation, we have bank, chapel, coffee shop, commons, counting house, cottage, library, office, parliament, Spice Island, or the temple. The less verbally discriminating, however, relieve themselves in a bog, cacatorium, can, compost hole, dilberry creek, dunny, forakers, john, necessarian, place where one coughs, siege-house, or stool of ease. In most places in Europe, one seeks the W.C. (water closet), which seems infinitely more reasonable than in America’s restroom (where one may sit but does not necessarily rest).

VFYI:

Yes, the story is apparently true, there actually was a Thomas Crapper who invented a flush toilet.

65

w
Wring Out One’s Socks
Our study has revealed a vast disparity between the number of euphemisms for male urination (lots) compared to those for female (zilch). This may well fall to the unquestionably finer sensibilities prevalent amongst the lady-folk. Either that or if one sits to release one’s bladder, it is a solitary, quiet event. There is very little associated activity once one has made certain the toilet seat is down. But he who has a penis with which to pee can even write his name in the snow—well, for argument’s sake, we suppose a woman could do it, but it would take a while. Men can also take the snake for a gallop, siphon the python, shake hands with the bishop, point Percy at the porcelain, or train Terrance on the terracotta after which they can shake the dew off the lily. Either sex could give the Chinaman a music lesson, but in that few use china pots in which to tinkle anymore, it is generally obsolete. As an exit excuse to relieve themselves, men go water the horses, feed the goldfish, see how high the moon is, kill a snake, chase a rabbit, drain the radiator, or check the ski rack. Women seem to just go to the “Ladies” to powder their noses (albeit a bit nonsensically, in pairs).

66

flu , ind

isposition, malady, ma laise , st pro ration OTE: There was a hunt-themed restaurant that initiated some baffled head-scratching among their patrons by labeling their respective restrooms, Pointers and Setters.

VN

ure, , seiz
67

syn

Afflicted by Time’s Wing’d Chariot
Be kind to your children, they will choose your nursing home. or those of us middle-aged (assuming everyone lives to be 110), a person of maturity has the dwindles, is a bit forward at the knees, long in the tooth, white-topped, blue-haired, rusting out, old as the hills, in one’s dotage, and no spring chicken, whiling away their time in God’s waiting room.

F

CAUTION: Make very certain the senior citizen of whom one speaks is deaf as a post before one utters any of these little nuggets. Else, the person upon whom one remarks is always distinguished. He is alive, but only in the sense that he can’t be legally buried.
Geoffrey Madan (subject of the observation unknown)

w
The Bucket Kick’d
Are there any grander occasions to pull out all the stops, euphemistically speaking, than speculating on just where the dearly departed’s place of eternal rest will be? The late-lamented could land in Abraham’s bosom, be church triumphant, called to a higher service, or, less optimistically, stoking Lucifer’s fires. Non-ecumenically, a quietus or an exitus could have occurred. Better judgment would insist (at least insofar as the eulogy) one avoid calling the deceased either worm food or buzzard meat. There appears to be a paradoxical inclination by the bereaved to insist said worm food to action when they have had a mortality experience (a term popular with the mortuary profession). Hence, we hear the dearly departed may suck grass, grin at daisy roots, buy the farm, give up the ghost, pay nature’s debt, pull a cluck, cash in one’s chips, fold one’s hand, coil one’s rope, drop off the hook,

Pardon My Dust
Dorothy Parker’s epitaph by Dorothy Parker

70

Suicide is our way of telling God, you can’t fire me—I quit.

slip the cable, sun one’s moccasins, take the long count, jump the last hurdle, drop the cue, ride off on the last round-up, or answer the ever-lasting knock.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Mark Twain, after reading his own obituary, June 2, 1897

71

One of the funniest of Monty Python’s routines involved the return of a dead parrot, “Maybe he’s just shagged out after a long squawk—no, he’s bleeding demised, ceased to be, bereft of life, joined the choir invisible . . .” One can go wearing the Q (the death face rather coarsely delineated by comics—tongue lolling out the corner of the mouth), feet first, toes up, eyes closed, heels foremost, face turned to the wall, on one’s shield, in a box, or in repose . . . whence one goes to the bone orchard.

72

G

ender specific activity, femininity, manhood, manliness, masculinity, sexuality, womanhood, womanliness, intercourse between animate beings, coition, coitus, copulation, fornic ati intimacy, lovemaking, m on , en erat i on , m, p e agn

g

Bed is the poor man’s opera.
Italian Proverb

t is

reatio n, rel at roc ion p s, re xu ality, se roduction, sensu

it y

al

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

74

Bewitched, Bothered and Betwattled

R

Overborne by Desire
Few, if any, still believe that only the male gender suffers from the pangs of lust. If proof be needed, the phenomena of Valentino, Elvis and Chippendale’s dancers provide full support for the theory that sexual appetence is an equal opportunity employer. Yet, regardless how prevalent its use, we again point out that the word horny, via horn, comes from a root word pertaining to the erect penis. Therefore, for absolute accuracy, a woman may be just as lustful, dissolute, concupiscent, lascivious, libidinous, salacious, appetent, licentious, ribald, prurient, wanton, or humpy as a man, but, unless born a hermaphrodite, or completed gender reassignment, she will not be horny. Those terms describing the throes of excess cupidity can be gender specific and—however we wish they not—the examples that come to mind for men are pussy simple, cunt-struck and betwattled. Although a woman may have
75

A stiff prick has no conscience.
Ancient Proverb

hot pants or be cocksmitten, we prefer to say either is confounded by love (more likely confounded by lust, but it is not our place to proselytize). The unmistakable (and most conspicuous) concomitant of desire, however, is borne by the male: Penis in erectus.

F
Temporary Priapism
Although it might initially sound like a Viagra high, a priapism (named after Priapus, a Greek and Roman god of male generative power) is a medical condition that manifests itself by an unrelenting erection which is quite painful
76

en der s

and—here’s the catch—is unrelieved by sexual gratification. We will remark only upon the temporary kind. Unlikely as it is to be referenced in one of Martha Stewart’s fine books, for procreative (or recreational) purposes everyone will agree that an erection is A Good Thing. However, if the little devil rears its head when copulation is merely on the mind but not imminent, it might prompt some explaining—something we did not find indexed by Miss Manners either. If a rise in one’s Levi’s is espied by someone peripheral to the action, we advise the male in question to adopt an air of innocence and complain of an involuntary biological reaction. Genital tumescence, virile reflex, and male arousal are equally non-accusatory terms. All are preferable to hat rack, blue-veiner, clothes prop, tent peg, live rabbit, proud meat, horn colic, bit of a stiff, or sporting some wood—even if one is ready to dig post holes with it.

VNOTE: Many men consider an inadvertent hard-on
(an expression we do not endorse) as an unwitting condition and maintain, therefore, that they should not be held accountable for that over which they hold no control (see The Unruly Member). Certainly beyond one’s sway is morning pride, which, for exonerative purposes, can be identified as matutinal erection. Indeed, if the male can convey an appropriately sleepy-headed look, this excuse is good until noon. If one’s nocturnal erection is inexplicably relieved during the night, one has shot the bishop.
77

G

p ecific

activity, femin

inity, m an

o d, ho man sc u , ma liness

lin

Another actual affliction is erethism, an abnormal irritability or responsiveness to stimulation. Erethism (it too comes from Greek, but we did not find any reference to the god of crankiness) is an actual disorder, which does give marginal credibility to the otherwise questionable assertion by some men that for arousal they need no more inducement than a stiff breeze. One could propose either of these ailments as reason for undue . . . excitement, but both are a bit obscure. We suggest one assert oneself as constitutionally inclined to passion. It sounds a bit Edwardian, but far better than randy as a goat.

Beware: If one needs to call upon this explanation while wearing nothing more than a trench coat, it is probable the police will look upon one’s suffering unsympathetically. The docket sheet will read lewd conduct, however, not weenie-wagger.

Is that a gun in your pocket — or are you just glad to see me?
Mae West

78

mi nin ity, m anho

fe

od, manlines s, mas

F

cul i

y, nit

ner n, ge icatio forn

Humbled in the Act of Love
Alternately, if the male member remains flaccid regardless of encouragement, he is suffering from orgiastic impotence. He has not only failed in the furrow, he has no money in his purse, lead in his pencil, ink in his pen, nor toothpaste in his tube. When his ability is thus compromised, he is slack in his matrimonial duty or leaving the pillow unprest. The culprit is itself deadwood, a dangling participle, dolphin, flounder, lob-cock, half-mast, flat tire, hanging Johnny, or Mr. Softy.

at i o

79

The Long Carbine
Whether one is endowed with a howitzer or peashooter, guns are, and always have been, phallic symbols. In the 17th century, flintlock guns had a hammer, a flint to produce a spark, a lockpan that held the priming powder and a main charge behind the musket ball. When the hammer was released, it hit a small flint rock igniting a spark that lit the priming powder, and if all went as planned, then exploded the main charge. Sometimes this prehigh-tech procedure backfired and the priming powder flashed but did not ignite the main charge. Hence a flash in the pan, but no shot was produced. If one had game (or the enemy) in one’s sights but needed time to aim, the hammer could be partially cocked. If the gun fired while in this position, it went off halfcocked—no doubt a quite vexing and dangerous occurrence.

80

an hoo d, ma nliness, masc ul

We recount all of this seeming arcane information only to provide background to fully understand the following: If one achieves an erection but one’s intention is thwarted by a premature ejaculation, one has gone off half-cocked, fired in the air, shot in the bush, misfired, or has experienced a flash in the pan. Hanging fire occurs when the priming powder initially failed to ignite the main charge. This term has come to be synonymous with indecision, not as some insist, a lengthy orgasm. These expressions have been bandied about for both sexual and non-sexual purposes for centuries. When we study their origins, they do make perfect sense.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Attributed to Sigmund Freud

m

inity, fo rnic a

tio

81

t io enera n, g

x n, se

lity

ua

As much as it sounds as if it should be, we all know to peter-out is not necessarily a sexual innuendo. In fact, the dictionary definitions for peter are as follows: (1) to diminish, (2) to become exhausted, (3) a vulgar name for one’s penis, and (4) one of the twelve apostles. (Insomuch as one’s penis (3) diminishes (1) when it becomes exhausted (2), we will conclude that other than that the Apostle Peter (4) must have had one, he is irrelevant to this discussion). The French word pete means to explode weakly (also an expulsion of intestinal gas). Peter dans la main means literally, to come to nothing. The Dictionary of Word Origins says that peter-out originated with miners in the mid-1800’s (an explanation of which, trust us, is even less relevant than the Apostle Peter). Regardless, what we do know is that to peter-out means to give out—be spent—and usually not with a bang (so to speak). Lest one’s lover be unconsoled, we suggest it is time to explore The French Arts. If one can get it up, but is sterile—firing blanks, or engaging in a dry bob, one is improcreant.

Agricultural sidebar
For those unaware, when a horse and a donkey mate, their offspring is a mule, a hybrid. This hybrid cannot reproduce; hence, one occasionally hears an improcreant male referred to as a mule.

82

Dallying, Firkytoodling, and Finkdiddling
If one has the Jones for another, as a rule, one dares not jump their bones without first introducing oneself. Under the right circumstances, small talk can be dispensed with, but it is reasonable to insist that if copulation is the goal, at least a little foreplay is in order. This is known as canoodling. Engaging in tonsil hockey, chewing face, and cow kissing means, in baseball analogy, one has arrived at first base. Copping a feel above the waist is a double. The digital investigation of a

83

female’s privates (otherwise known as down there) is a bit for the finger and progression to third base (a hand down a man’s pants is probably third base also, but one seldom hears women using sports analogies). Reasonably, physical congress is going all the way, because one has scored ( yes, scored) a home run. If one ruts on another without penetration or relocation of one’s clothing, it is called a dry hump and runners do not advance to home. Male students of an Ivy League school perform the Princeton rub and, we are told, no one scores (bats, if not balls, being optional).

r

Making the Beast with Two Backs
To have a legion of suitable euphemisms for doing the big nasty at one’s fingertips, there is a very simple formula. Merely select any combination of an adjective from the first column and noun from the second. Voila!

84

an line ss,

m

masculini ty, fornicatio n

, gen

e

, wo uality , sex i on rat

Adjective
Physical Carnal Intimate Capital Amorous Connubial Passionate Fulfilling Horizontal Illicit Nocturnal Conjugal Voluptuous Loving Secret Lewd Naughty Night Nuptial

Noun congress knowledge necessities embrace favors attention connection arrangements relief affections pleasures union combat consummation deed rites conflict association coupling

ma

nh

When in want of euphemistic eloquence, however, we often rely on Latin as in in coitu or actus coitus. Shakespeare’s words, however, are positively rhapsodic: The very lists of love, to make one’s heaven in a lady’s lap, dance on one’s heels, lay it to one’s heart, or behind door work. Indeed, having an enseamed or fortunate bed sounds a skosh classier than parking the pink mustang up a side street. Granted, Shakespeare was capable of circumlocutory stretch. Groping for trout in a peculiar river means fishing in a private stream, which means knowing someone in the Biblical sense. Knowing someone in the Biblical sense means
85

that one is engaging in an act of generation, androgyny (no, not Boy George—at least not necessarily), original sin, shame, darkness, or, in the words of Delbert McClinton, plain ol’ makin’ love.

R

We Are Not Amused
In Victorian times, illicit love referred to sexual shenanigans between anyone outside of holy wedlock. So heinous was such activity, it was called criminal conversation (a more stupefyingly cryptic euphemism we have yet to behold). If it became necessary to allude to such foul doings in print, even so ambiguous a term as criminal conversation was far too explicit. It was abbreviated as crim. con. or even c.c., a ruse that was not particularly effective. Sociologists explain that sexual shenanigans inside holy wedlock were frowned on as well, but we understand that authorities were seldom able to actually make arrests for it.

86

as cul ini ty , fornicatio n, generat i on, s

m

exu

o ty, w ali

H

ood, manh

Wreak One’s Passion
If our ancestors’ sensibilities in print were euphemized into total obscurity, private conversations were not held to the same standard. We note that the designation for the act of c.c. was then, as now, often preceded by an acquiring verb: getting, having, copping, grabbing, nabbing, snatching, fetching, wanting, and occasionally, begging for any noun used to specify the female pudendum. Typical of these nouns are cookie, nooky, ass, beaver, bird, jam, pork, bob, snug, box, bull’s eye, buns, booty, cat, pussy, crack, cranny, crotch, down, flesh, hole, fur-pie, honey-pot, kitty, lap, milk, monkey, mouse, muff, naughty, oyster, poontang, rump, squirrel, twat, twittle, and you-know-what (often times further identified adjectively as a bit of). All are, even now, substituted for the detested “c” word.*
*Although it has been in use since the 14th century, we offer less sensibility stunning euphemisms for the monosyllable under the heading The Little Man and His Boat. 87

wo

ma n

On occasion, this vast array of monosyllabic choices causes an exceedingly aroused male to abandon assigning what he wants a specific name. He may eliminate the use of a noun altogether and just says some (get some, want some, etc). However brainless this sounds, we have to give credit here. Although man is an unwitting party, Webster’s does define the word some as “being an unknown, undetermined, or unspecified unit or thing.” This suggests that when in rut, the male of the species does not like to restrict his possibilities.

p
To Spend
If referring to the male orgasm, shot his wad, blown off, spooged, or popped his nuts are unnecessary. He has experienced sexual reflex. He can also have eventuation, emissio seminis, or effect emission (although we admit the latter does sound a bit like a NASA instruction). For women, making the chimney smoke seems not overly graphic, but again, we prefer the French, petit mort meaning little death. Come, spend, and get off do refer to orgasm for both sexes, but then, so does climax.

88

rni cati o

fo

n, gener at ion, sexual ity, w o

The Loving Spoonful
That which is ejaculated, is just that, ejaculate. Baby batter, duck butter, man oil, bull gravy, gism, guma glue, buttermilk, and love juice are a bit too . . . icky. We prefer it called semen, reproductive fluid, or even sexual discharge. Leukorrhea is the whitish viscid discharge from the vagina known more delicately as fleurs blanches or white flowers. (In the 19th century, wags said this condition was occasioned by young ladies who read overly explicit French novels.) Those less discerning call it the twitters. Only the outright crude would pronounce her dripping for it. Under the heading of untoward euphemisms, we find snail trails (the resultant traces of vaginal secretion on a woman’s leg) and pecker tracks (dribbles of semen on trousers— or, occasionally, a blue dress).

O

ma oo nh

l oman d, w s, i ines

nte

r

Prithee, summon ye laundress.

The cheesy sebaceous matter that collects around the glans penis and the foreskin or the clitoris and labia minora is neither gnat bread nor crotch cheese. It is smegma (granted, a word that sounds only marginally better than crotch cheese). In the fairer sex, this is understood to be too much cheese on the taco and an indication of better attention to personal hygiene.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

90

ne rat io

ge

n, sexu ality, womanh oo

d, wo

m

li an

r

, inte ness rs rcou

Bow at the Altar of Eros
One should try every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.
Arnold Bax

eb

tw e

e

In some societies, anything other than the missionary position ( figura veneris primi) between a churched couple is not only considered kinky but illegal. The ancient legend of The Dragon and St. George notwithstanding, doing it dorsally (coitus a la vache) or doggy-style will get you jail time. But, if the woman is on her back (star-gazing) and the man on top (beating the bunny), evidently the kitchen table is just fine so long as the kids are asleep. Chinese fashion denotes a sexual arrangement found in ancient woodcuts revealing the male and the female facing each other in an entwined X configuration. This reference is tainted by its association with some rather tasteless jokes proposing it necessary to copulate with an Asian woman in such a fashion because her pudendal crevice is supposedly horizontal. Q. Why don’t Frenchmen like to eat flies? A. Because they can’t get their little legs apart.

91

R
Different Strokes
There once was a girl from Vancouver Whose mouth had the strength of a Hoover; When she turned it on high, A week would pass by, Before anyone could remove her.
Q. What is the definition of trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job. In popular vernacular, a blow job, talking to mike, polishing the helmet, giving head, or lipstick on the dipstick denotes achieving sexual satisfaction through oral stimulation. Either sex can be a goot-gobbler, piccolo player, peter-eater, lick spigot, dicky-licker, or mouth-whore (one particularly well-practiced is said to be able to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch). Introduce the use of Latin and a modicum of class drapes any non-orthogenital sex act no matter how indelicate: penilingus, fellatio, or irrumatio (root word, to suck). We add that a female who fellates is a fellatrice. Talking to the canoe driver, nose painting, sneezing in the basket, yodeling in the canyon, gamahuching, whistling in the dark, eating at the Y, having a hairburger, mouth music, lickety-split, and muff-diving mean cunnilingus. (As this activity is not new, it is not surprising that those mutton-chop sideburns were
92

xu alit y,

called depth markers long before the sixties.) Loop de loop, 69, or soixante neuf is mutual oral-genital stimulation. Two women involved in such activity are engaged in bird-washing. Granted, shooting the beaver (or, squirrel, or moon) could pertain to a night out with one’s favorite scent hound, but most likely it references female exhibitionism. Alternately, a female-attired male prostitute hides his candy (and occasionally said candy is discovered by an unamused client). Goober-grabber usually means a forward woman. We note however, that goobers can be grabbed by either sex. Sadly, we can offer no socially acceptable euphemisms for these last entries.

se

womanh

ood, womanl iness,

int

tween se be our erc anim ate

Are you a lesbian?

Are you my alternative?

93

O
The Love That Durst Not Speak Its Name or the Unmentionable Vice
Paedictcato, crimen innomentatum, coitus in ano—gay sex is still called buggery in some circles. Also, concubitus cum persona ejus dem sexus, alternative proclivities, or same-sex-oriented. (Although the receiver in this act has been called a pillow-biter, we find that distinction to be pan-sexual.)

94

om anh o od, w omanline

In the unlikelihood one finds it necessary to note the sexual inclinations of another, we hold that it is best to cleanse one’s euphemistic repertoire of the terms Nancy-boy, friend of Dorothy’s (referencing Parker, not the Wizard of Oz— although one’s confusion on this point might be understandable), confirmed bachelor, light in the loafers, playing for the pink team, pouff, and no bull-fighter. Sissybritches and pantywaist, along with manhole inspector, or rump ranger should also be avoided. Gunsel (derivation of the German for gosling) is passably PC if the person to whom one refers is also a jerk. Daisy (along with daffodil and pansy) has long been used as an insulting term for a gay man. That notwithstanding, participation in a daisy chain would involve a group of like-minded individuals engaging in simultaneous, er, sexual acts.

VFYI: It was not until the second decade of the twentieth century that the word faggot came to be a disparaging term for a male homosexual. In the middle ages, faggot meant a bundle of sticks, and, understandably, fag eventually became slang for cigarette. In the 1800’s, it also meant to work hard or become exhausted (by having to cut all that fire wood?). Its contemporary connotation possibly stems from its use to describe the tradition of young English boarding school boys who act as a servant to older students. The rumors about what actually occurs in single-sex schools when hormones rage undoubtedly fanned the fires of this particular vulgarism.
95

w

ss, interc

ours eb etw an een

imate

gs bein

, co

As for her, she may be somewhat butch, but rug-muncher, lesbyterian, and bull-dyke are understandably offensive. (For further aspersions on masculine women, see Dog City.)

Switch Hitting
If one has taken a position of non-discrimination about the sexual orientation of one’s romantic encounters, one is referred to on the street as ambisextrous, double-gaited, batting and bowling, AC-DC, trolling both sides of the stream, driving a two-way street, or buttering both sides

96

om anli ness,

of the bread. We, however, insist said person is influenced by an amphi-genous inversion.

w

intercourse b etween

anim b ate

tion, s, coi eing coi us,

t

w
Fetishes and General Freakiness
A widow whose singular vice was to keep her late husband on ice. Said “It’s been hard since I lost himBut, Ill never defrost him! Cold comfort, but cheap at the price.” A hundred years ago the learned did not call pornography smut, but facetiae or curiosa. By the twentieth century, an abnormal interest in obscene material was known as coprophilia, although more technically that is the use of feces for sexual excitement. Those who revel in such activity are indelicately referred to as fecal-freaks, kitchen cleaners, and felch queens. To felch means to perform anilingus* (tookus-lingus to our less somber fellow beings). A pound cake-queen enjoys being defecated on. Anyone engaged in this base pastime (beyond the age of two) is taking part in a Boston Tea Party. An associated activity, golden showers, is more formally termed micturation. (Our informa*If one needs it spelled out, anilingus is to the anus what cunnilingus is to the cun . . . er, vagina.

97

tion notwithstanding, polite society prefers that if these . . . entertainments exist, they pass unremarked.) Apparently, there is a “queen” designation to fit every manner of sexual diversion. For instance, one who is under the spell of a foot fetish (equus eroticism) is known as a shrimp-queen (referring to the shape of the toes), enjoys sex in the great outdoors: a green-queen, or in public: a tea room-queen.

Once: a philosopher, twice: a pervert!”
Voltaire (turning down his second invitation to an orgy)

If generously lubricated by cooking oil, your run-of-themill orgy is a Mazola party. Team cream, gang bang, round pound, and bunch punch appear self-explanatory—this poetry occurring, undoubtedly, when one trots out one’s pussy to pull a train, or choo-choo.

Said the masochist to the sadist: “Beat me, beat me!” Replied the sadist: “No.”

98

ter cou r se be tween

Originally, ascetics employed ritual floggings to induce discipline through strict self-denial by means of mortification of the flesh. Evidently, somewhere in this mix of flogging and religious frenzy, sexual titillation reared its ubiquitous head. Pious monks in robes metamorphosed into leatherclad dominatrices wielding wicked-looking whips. Indeed, if one has not actually experienced it, one has certainly heard of being whipped into a frenzy.

My problem is reconciling my gross habits to my net income.
Attributed to Errol Flynn

in

animate bei

ngs, co

it

itus, , co ion copu n, latio

for

99

There is bondage and sado-masochism. In bondage one finds erotic stimulation either in exacting or under subjugation. One who finds sexual satisfaction by inflicting pain on another is a sadist—not slap artist nor fire-queen (not to be confused with a flaming-queen who is a relatively benign, if outrageously flamboyant, male homosexual). Flagellation (not to be confused with flatulence—although it is noted that foundered horses used to be flogged in order to force them to pass gas) can be inflicted either by a willing compatriot or one’s own hand. Indeed, a masochist gets off by being beaten literally or figuratively. And while most people know that sadism found its name by way of the infamous Marquis DeSade, few realize masochism

100

etw e

was named for the German novelist, Leopold von SacherMasoch who evidently also wrote of what he lived.

VNOTE: There is the term Zooerasty, but we decided that there is some information we just do not want to have. Clearly, however, limerick writers have been much amused with the notion. The Right Reverend Dean of St. Just Was consumed with erotical lust He buggered three men Two mice and a hen And a little green lizard that bust.

b

en a n

imate being s, coition,

coitu

s, ul cop
, ation

n catio forni

,g e

101

Sex “Sain et Sauf ”
One may hear of peek-freaks and peer-queers, but they are voyeurs. If one gets one’s jollies by listening, one is an ecouteur.

102

nim ate

a

b eings , coition, coitu

s, copu l at i

w
Dishearten
If a man is sexually aroused and then brought to satisfaction by manual manipulation of his member by another, he has been brought down by hand, a more circumspect term for a hand-job, spitting white, or upshot. (The person who supplied the hand is a peter-beater who caught an oyster otherwise known as “sweetheart.”)

o

n, icatio forn

nera n, ge

ion

t

No Glove—No Love
It has been some time since one would hear of a condom wearer as fighting in armor. So ancient is the term, it very nearly predates the invention of circular protection itself. It may surprise some to know that condoms were in use as early as Elizabethan times although they did not become common (and then only in the large cities) until two centuries later. These early sheaths were often made of material such as sheepskin (ouch), fish bladder (yuck) and eventually, rubber. Indeed, Casanova is said to have bragged of owning a pretty little linen ditty (un petit linges) with a delicate drawstring ribbon—the upper class does have its privileges. Some of these early protectors were said to bear the portraits of famous persons—the significance of which does
103

not immediately leap to mind. Perhaps a modern equivalent is a lunch box bearing the image of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers—but we suppose we digress. Once these handy little devices were perfected, euphemisms did abound—keeping down the census, taking a dry run, or wearing a cheater. Wearing a fearnought, lace curtain, diving suit, head gasket, nightcap, catcher’s mitt, rubber cookie, overcoat, raincoat, saddle, shower cap, lifepreserver, washer, party hat, Dutch cap, phallic thimble, or, less preferably, a cum drum could reference either a condom, or a diaphragm. A pussy butterfly is an intrauterine device or IUD. Most commonly, however, a protective sheath has been called, variously, a French, Italian, Spanish, or American letter. (We did not find indication that it has been called an English letter. Hmmm.) Malthus was an English curate. The Maltusian Theory posits that population tends to increase geometrically and resources or means of subsistence, arithmetically. Hard-liners believed that unless procreation was checked by moral restraint or even disaster (pestilence, famine, or war) unrelenting poverty and its resultant human degradation would inevitably result. This doctrine is often cited as an excuse for the use of birth control, hence, labeling any non-procreant sex, Malthusian.

A vasectomy means not ever having to say you’re sorry.

ein gs, c

b

oition, c

w
Sex a Cappella

oitus, copula tion, f orn i

i on cat

, gen n erat io

, in

The rhythm method may indeed be chancy, but it is still a bit graceless to refer to it as playing Vatican roulette. Riding bareback means intercourse without protection. On occasion, condom-less sex is called making faces in that it often leads to producing babies.

ma

ti

VFYI:

As the male anatomy is limited in its ability to produce semen rapidly, when a man is fortunate enough as to enjoy what is called a triple header, a fourth round might result in his coming air.

NOTE: In England if someone tells you to keep your pecker up, it is indeed an expression of encouragement. However, not necessarily what one imagines. In Great Britain, pecker can mean chin. NOTE, PART 2: There was a big hoo-haw over there when the American movie Free Willy premiered because willy does not mean chin in England. NOTE, PART 3: If fortune has smiled upon one to the extent that one has somehow missed seeing any of the Austin Powers’ movies, please understand, in Great Britain, a shag is not a 70’s haircut.

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My wife doesn’t understand me. We’re only staying together for the kids. I’ve never done this before. I only shoot blanks. If you get pregnant, honey, I’ll take care of you. I’ll respect you in the morning. I promise it won’t come in your mouth.

Men Behaving Badly
A lthough snatch can be either verb or noun, in either sense it usually refers to rapid copulation. Irish foreplay, sometimes known as brace yourself Bridget, is essentially a Wham Bam, Thank You Ma’am with a lilt. Jewish foreplay, we have been told, involves only extended pleading. A flyer can be either prone or vertical. If an upright quicky, it is also known as a knee-trembler. Occasionally this excursion doesn’t even entail intercourse. To cop a feel is either with or without permission and is usually performed nose open (for those unfamiliar with animal husbandry— it describes an eager bull) possibly with it in his hand (which clearly does not). If it need be said, we endorse neither the above behavior nor the euphemisms, we only offer them for elucidative purposes.

Th

ec h

in the mail. I ’ll ca k’s ll you. ec

107

He would fuck a snake if someone would hold its head.

108

A Pea in the Pod

One need not call a gestating woman knocked up*. She is enceinte, fecund, or expecting. While we do not find preggers offensive, round-wombed, about to find pups, apron-up, one is up the spout, a lap full, or a bun in the oven do not offer the proper respect as does experiencing a blessed event.
* Again, this is a phrase to use judiciously in England. For there if a woman has been knocked up it means she has merely experienced someone rapping on her door. Whether or not that leads to a shotgun wedding is beyond our polite speculation. 109

Misbegotten he word bastard was once solely a comment on one’s happenstance of birth. Some say the word came from the French, fils de bast or packsaddle child. Born on the wrong side of the blanket (the foul event producing said infant taking place other than within the marriage bed) or born in the vestry (left on the church steps) were other roundabout ways of disparaging one’s heritage. Also, a counterfeit, wood colt, stall whimper, nullius filius, or side-slip (as in oops). Producing a child out of wedlock to Shakespeare was to tender a fool. More specifically in the chain of generations, a child born out of wedlock to a mother

T

Is sex dirty? Only if its done right.

110

ing s, co ition, co itus, copulati on

who was of illegitimate birth herself, was said to be a bellbastard. Today, the word bastard, as used in this sense is so out of fashion as to be irrelevant. Indeed, most probably all these euphemisms have been overridden by “DNA test” and “child support payments.”

be

, forn

ic o ati en n, g

n erat io
, int

im

acy ,

111

Unknown to Man n historical romance novels, a virgin (depending on the genre) was either picked, plucked, ruined, trimmed, deflowered, or devirginated. When a sweet young thing succumbed to seduction, she was persuaded to venery. Until then she was a chaste treasure, virgin patent, or rosebud, possibly remaining that way by wearing iron knickers. Digital investigation of the vagina comes under the heading of heavy petting. For anyone in need of exact terminology—in legalese, carnal knowledge is the slightest penetration of the vulva. If one is messing with jailbait, one is looking at jail time. Even if she spends more time on her knees than a priest, she is still technically a virgin—a demi-vierge— never having gone all the way. Indeed, if the results of recently published, if somewhat unscientific, polls are to believed, by today’s standards, a fellatio generating enough suction to suck a golf ball through a garden hose would not be considered a sex act. We believe this is now known as The Clinton Exculpation.

I

112

itio n, c oitus, c opulation, for nicatio n, g

co

t ion era en

In scholarly tomes, one may come across the term, claustrum virginale. This reference is a bit of a stretch in that claustrum is one of the four basal ganglia in each cerebral hemisphere that consists of a thin lamina of gray matter separated from the lenticular nucleus by a layer of white matter (whew). However, we believe it is more likely that it is derived from claustral—cloister.

acy, , intim

l ov

em ak

113

Trafficking with Oneself
95% of people masturbate. The other 5% just lie about it.

f there are no obliging friends about and one does not care to avail oneself of commercial outlets (brothels), genital stimulation via phallengetic motion may be the only alternative for one’s sexual . . . disposal. Still condemned by many, the solitary vice has managed not only to survive, but flourish, even under the threat of blindness, insanity, hairy palms and your mother’s (and the Church’s) wrath.

I

There was a young fellow from Yale Whose face was exceedingly pale. He spent his vacation In self-masturbation Because of the high price of tail.
Many believe masturbation is synonymous with Onanism. In the Bible, however, Onan’s sin, scholars insist, was not
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itu s, co p

masturbation at all but coitus interruptus. (Regardless, he was slain by God for this heinous sin and let that be a lesson to us all.) This misunderstanding may well have been a deliberate Victorian manipulation of the scriptures laying the groundwork for generations of adolescent guilt-trips. Additionally, as Onan was a guy, these guilt-trips were taken primarily by young men. The Victorian rationale was that all womankind (wives, daughters, mothers—i.e. any female a Victorian man was not trying to seduce) were

co

ulation, f

ornication, g enera

t io in n, ve cy, lo tima

in mak

g, ma

115

chaste of mind and body. Indeed, most doctors of the era persisted with the fallacy that ladies were devoid of sexual desire; therefore, the possibility of these women having an orgasm with or without the aid of a penis did not exist. Hence, it is the masculine population whose indiscriminate nocturnal . . . twiddling came under intense scrutiny and abject condemnation. So strong was the shame, we still hear self-pleasuring condemned as genital pollution, selfabuse, and the sin of youth. Wanking may be the more oft-used term, but for those formal occasions, digitally oscillating one’s penis or selfinduced penile regurgitation would be preferable. In French, se branler, se crosser, se faire les cinq doigts de la main, se passer un poignet, or la veuve poignet (branler—to shake, crosser—to club, faire—perform, cinq doigts—five fingers, passer—happen, poignet—wrist, veuve—widow— you do the math.) If merely fiddling with the equipment, one is playing pocket pool. As the dogma surrounding this abhorrent act is so intense and the deed is fraught with such euphemistic eloquence, it is an absolute necessity to be generous in recounting them.

w
Take Herman to the Circus
The chasm separating proper Victorian sensibility and that of the unwashed masses about who was and was not the

116

pu lati o

Master of One’s Domain (a term “Seinfeld” did not invent) can be succinctly defined. For every shaming euphemism, we find dozens that are unrepentant (and if not actually poetry, one can appreciate the rhyme): bleed the weed, bang your wang, shake the snake, ram the ham, rope the Pope, spank the frank, squeeze the cheese, stroke the bloke, crank one’s whank, flog the log, lube the tube, wanker the anchor, hone the cone, strain the vein, pump the stump, torque the fork, thump the pump, tickle the pickle, jerkin’ the gherkin, yank your plank, tease the weasel, fist your mister, punchin’ the munchkin and make the scene with a magazine. Some are, if not poetic, at least alliterative: burp the baby, cuddle the Kielbasa, fondle the fig, punish Percy in the palm, smash the stake, hug the hog, stir one’s stew, strangle the stogie, slap pappy, bash, beat, or bop the bishop, pummel the priest, wave the wand, whip one’s

co

n, forni cati

on, generat i on, in t

im emak , lov acy

ma ing,

ne t is

g

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wire, paddle the pickle, bang the banjo, dash one’s doodle, grip the gorilla, and prime one’s pump. There are dated euphemisms—get the German soldiers marching, have a date with Rosy Palms, polish one’s helmet, phone the czar, take Herman to the circus, feed the ducks, clean one’s rifle, give a one gun salute, and choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come; and contemporary—adjust your set, go on Pee Wee’s little adventure, boot up the hard drive, paint a small Jackson Pollock, stretch the turtleneck, play the single-string air guitar, feed the Kleenex, tweak your twinkie, do the Han Solo, romance the bone, choke Kojak, play Uno, R2 your D2, upgrade your hardware, test fire the love-rocket.

There once was a man named McGill, Whose acts grew exceedingly ill, He insisted on habits, involving white rabbits, and a bird with a flexible bill.
The animal kingdom is not only not exempt, it is well represented: gag the maggot, lope the mule, wax the dolphin, burp the worm, look for ticks, and corral the tadpoles. Granted the prominent feature of euphemisms for this activity is hardly political correctness, a few examples would outright enrage PETA: club the baby seal, violate the hedge-hog, flog the dolphin, suffocate the trout, pound the pup, pump the python, or choke the chicken.

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I swear, you could ask your class if they’d had sex with goats and the next thing you’d hear is somebody asking, ‘Define sex.’
Overheard from a College Professor

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Everything else falls into the category of one-night stands: come to grips with oneself, climb Mount Baldy, audition the finger puppets, beat the bald-headed bandit, do the five-finger solo, iron the wrinkles, make the bald man puke, shake hands with the unemployed, rough up the suspect, summon the genie, butter the corn, kill the snake, seed the rug, paint the ceiling, dig for change, fire the flesh musket, frost the pastries, mangle the midget, unload the gun, varnish the flagpole, and cane the vandal. While amusing, none of the above makes quite the statement as does address Congress.

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orn icat io n, g enerat io

f

n, intimacy , lov

em ak w
Searching for Spock
Nymphomaniacal Jill Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill They found her vagina Way over in China And bits of her tits in Brazil
Contrary to popular opinion, self-pleasuring (even, experts say, obsessive self-pleasuring) is not unique to the male of the species. We note that masculine verbal images involve all manner of phallic symbols such as guns and beasts. Those feminine (aside from allusions to small furry creatures) are quite dissimilar. (These are offered, we swear, only for their sociological enlightenment value.) There are culinary references—preheat the oven, baste the beaver, grease the skillet, butter the muffin, skim the cream, sort the oysters, stir the cauldron, roll the dough, and stuff the taco. In the aforementioned animal category— caress the kitty, dunk the beaver, feed the bearded clam, fan the fur, make the kitty purr, roll the mink, floss the cat, and check the foxhole. Specific to the feminine sex too are dig for one’s keys, candle bashing, apply lip gloss, dust the end table, air the orchid, do one’s nails (also soak in Palmolive), get a stain out of the carpet, part the petals, polish the pearl, do something for chapped lips, gusset typing, unclog the drain, ride side-saddle, paddle the pink canoe, wake the butterfly, and work in the garden.

121

, ma i ng

pro is m, gne t

cre ati

Fare un ditolino (Italian: to do a little finger) Specific to self-digitation is to drown the man in the boat, circle the knoll, flip through the pages, grope the grotto, leglock the pillow, null the void, read Braille, stroke the furnace, surf the channel, play the silent trombone, do the two-finger slot rumba, play solitaire, check one’s oil, tickle one’s fancy, tiptoe through the two-lips, check the status of the I /O port, bury the knuckle, and search for Spock. Oh yes, females can rhyme too: scratch the patch, scuff the muff, itch the ditch, and rubbin’ the nubbin. Not specific to women, but peculiar to them is the polymorphously perverse orgasm where the entire body, not

122

ne rat ion

just its genitals, is a source of erotic pleasure. Without direct clitoral stimulation, some women say psychic orgasm can be achieved. All one needs is either a risqué novel or a full bladder. No doubt, euphemisms have been coined just for such occurrences, but we are still digesting the information.

ge

, intimac y, lovemakin g, ma g

ne

t is
, atio n rocre m, p t rel a

ion s,

w
Pokin’ the Pucker
The word dildo has been in use since the 16th century, but there is evidence the item was created not long after Eve herself. The ancient Greeks called them godemiches, the French, bijoux indiscrets. Made of glass or velvet, they were also known as paprilla, cazzi, consolateurs, and bienfaiteurs. Whatever one’s position on the use of mechanical devices to achieve sexual fulfillment, we can agree that today’s battery-powered vibrators are a vast improvement over 18th century ladies’ penchant for turkey necks (headless, carcass-less turkey necks we pray, else it’s a whole other story). Today, if a woman employs an indiscreet toy too . . . enthusiastically upon herself, the medical community refers to it as a picket fence injury. Masturbatory mishaps by the male of the species seem to revolve around where, shall we

123

say, the evidence might happen to land and is rarely lethal (notwithstanding Portnoy’s worry about the bathroom light bulb). As far as we have evidence, that story about the young man whose investigation of the erotic effects of a vacuum cleaner hose left him with a severely elongated penis, is only an urban legend. Although many believe that inflatable dolls are a recent phenomenon, we understand that there was such a thing for horny sailors called a Dutch sea wife. How anatomically correct these dolls were remains unascertained, but a Dutch husband was a bed bolster.

Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as of a Duchess.
Samuel Johnson

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tim acy, lovemak ing, magne t

in

i s m, p roc r
, rel a io n eat

w
Fleshly Treason
What men call gallantry and the gods, adultery Is much more common where the climate’s sultry
Lord Byron

, rep t ions

du ct i

ro

Let us make this abundantly clear: adultery is what others commit. However, if one’s own shoes find themselves under another’s bed, one has suffered an error of the blood. A spouse’s infidelity is grounds for divorce (if not an exchange of gunfire). If one wanders a bit (“I was thinking of you the whole time, honey”), it begs forgiveness. In the 1900s, those guilty of facile morals committed a marriage breach by engaging in illicit embraces. Now, if

125

one’s affections stray, it is called offshore drilling, parallel parking, or extra curricular activity. In any case, one is likely to be the recipient of a folded piece of paper announcing one’s imminent matchruptcy, dewife-ing, or splitting of the sheets spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E and the lawyers won’t be kind. To remain faithful to one’s vows, however, is to keep league and truce. If one is not in a committed relationship and simply screwing around, it is an affaire d’ amour (which is French for one night stand). Hence, one is in an irregular situation, breaking the pale, and indecorously familiar.

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ve ma ki ng

French does offer us very specific nuggets of circumlocutory gold. Cinq-a-sept refers to a customary afternoon period for quick assignations, hence the slang, un petit cinqa-sept—a matinee; Le demon de midi—demon at noon: mid-life crisis or middle-aged men or women with eighteen-year-olds. (Ever notice that you never see someone living solely on social security sporting arm candy?) Skin off old dead horses is to marry one’s mistress.

Q. How are a redneck divorce and a tornado alike? A. Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.
Of a man who was very unhappy in marriage and remarried immediately after his wife died, Samuel Johnson observed that it was “triumph of hope over experience.”

lo

, magne t is

m, procrea tio n,

rel

ati
, rep ons

, ction rodu

ens ua

s

w
Family Jewels
Baubles, Bangles and Beads
In polite company, they are privates, urogenital concern, apparatus, loins, or vitals. Indeed, sports announcers tend to identify this area as the groin or lower abdomen, apparently believing that to broadcast a more accurate “Ouch, that shot to the nuts had to hurt!” is not FCC-becoming. In less discreet society, the virilia are called doodads, marriage tackle, peculiar members, nads (short for gonads),
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wares, Adam’s arsenal, stick and bangers, lingam (from the Kama Sutra), credentials, testimonials, pencil and tassels, and master of ceremonies. Whirleygigs, baubles, jinglebangers, whenneymegs, clangers, clappers, and bangers betray a great deal of fascination by the male of the species with their own apparatus. Regardless how noisy they all sound, none have, as far as is known, ever actually made any audible noise (not counting that poor man with testicular cancer whose doctor experimented by replacing his with ball-bearings—they didn’t rust but his scrotum drooped abysmally). Not unexpectedly, there is a specific term for the relaxation of scrotum—the whiffles. There is an equally curious name for the foreskin—whickerbill.

w
The Unruly Member (My Body’s Captain)
There was a man from Ghent Who had a penis so long it bent It was so much trouble That he kept it double And instead of coming he went.
Only the female pudendum rivals the membrum virile for euphemistic grandiloquence such as purple helmeted warrior of love. Are anthenaeum, Aaron’s rod, carnal stump,

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Q. What did Adam say to Eve? A. Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

husbandman of nature, lance of love, man-root, torch of cupid, or dribbling dart of love too overwrought? May we suggest swaydangle, larydoodle, tallywacker, flapperprick, or bean-tosser (a term of which one dares not guess a derivation). The basis for bald-headed hermit and oneeyed trouser snake seem far less obscure. The ancient term for the male appendage was yard. This, mercifully, was when this word meant a stick or rod, not thirty-six inches. Almost as ancient is man’s inclination to give his appendage a pet name. This selection often reflects the esteem (or lack thereof ) in which said member is held by its owner—Big Steve, Pile-Driver, merry-maker, General Custer, He Who Must Be Obeyed, Old Faithless, or Sleeping Beauty. For pomposity, one cannot top plenipo, an abbreviation of plenipotentiary, which means “a diplomatic agent invested with full power to transact business.” We also hear Tommy, Dick, Harry, Willie, Giorgio, Percy, and Peter (which reminds us that it was Groucho Marx who observed that actor Peter O’Toole’s name was a penis euphemism times two). The terms bayonet, bazooka, blade, brachmard, dagger, dirk, gun, sword, and weapon reflect the already acknowledged phallic/weapon imagery. One can, of course, always call it a penis.

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w
The Upright Wink or The little man and his boat
Once described by some wit as the factotum (that which controls all things), “it” is also demesnes (female domain). If one cannot bring oneself to say the word vagina, try hypogastric cranny (which will serve the purpose, no
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doubt, of completely bewildering one’s audience). More easily interpreted, if not particularly concise, we have yoni, love’s sweet quiver, delta of Venus, tufted love mound, Alter of Hymen, Adam’s own (beg pardon?), nonnynonny, the Ace of Spades (clearly presaged the advent of Nair) and the cabbage garden (which does explain that inane story about where babies came from).

There once was a woman from China, Who went to sea on a liner, She slipped on the deck, And twisted her neck, And now can see up her vagina.
The mons veneris has generated a whole school of hirsute appellations, namely: bearded clam, bearskin, brush brakes, bush, belly whiskers, thicket, down, nature’s veil, fleece, fluff, motte, and beaver (which alone accounts for the derivations beaver-den, beaver-flick, beaver hunt, beaver pose, beaver-retriever, and the ever-popular beaver-shot). The entire range of pussy metaphors would require corresponding redundancy and offers no particular revelations apart from the clearly onomapoetic term kweef which can most briefly be described as a pussy-fart. There was a young lady named Brent With a cunt of enormous extent And so deep and so wide The acoustics inside Were so good you could hear when you spent

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ag ne t

There is a rather indiscreet tale of a man who claims to have encountered a vaginal cleft so commodious that upon intromission he discovered “another bugger looking for his hat.”

m

is m, p rocreatio n, re la

t ions,

rep ro

ct du s ion,

lity, ensua xu se

alit

w
Nature’s fonts
I once knew two sisters whose breasts They exposed to their thunderstruck guests A policeman was called And the young chap, enthralled Ogled, but made no arrests.
The female breasts. Or appurtenances, bosom, bust, front, mammary glands, mammilla, teats, balcony, big brown eyes, headlights, lung warts, love bubbles, baloobas, bazookas, bazoongies, garbonzas, gazongas, kajoobies, toraborahs, maracas, lollies, diddies, or bodacious ta-tas often encased in an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder or flopper stopper. Wasn’t it one of the “friends” on TV who observed that it was God’s plan

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that men didn’t have boobs because, if they did, “they’d never get anything done”?

I knew a young lady named Claire, Who possessed a magnificent pair, Or that’s what I thought, Till I saw one caught, On a thorn and begin losing air.

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ing s, co i

be

tion, coi tu

s, copulation , forn i ca n tio

135

, gen

t n, in erat io

im

acy ,l

136

D

zipped, ally strange, barmy, un m ent t, af t t y, berserk, insane, bonkers, cr a ck ba e loony, crazed, uckoo ,d e em

c

d,

, ue d, unhinged

wa cky

tic, rra

en ted, d eran

i flaky, fru

ged, peculiar,

t y, ps ych

oti idi n c, i

sa ne , lu na

, tic

m s, ad, ma

c o, tou

niacal, nut

d, u hed, unbalance n l

pot t y,

g

We are all born mad. Some remain so.
Samuel Becket

The Gazelles are in the Garden
They say that the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

w
Cerebrally Challenged
As spoken by a Texan, it is not “ig-nor-ant,” but “ig-nernt,” thus altering the meaning from “unlearned” to “too stupid to live.” Our exploration of euphemisms for ignorance will be specific to the second definition.

Stupidity is the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
William Gaddis

Obtuse, dull, imperceptive, opaque, stolid, unintelligent —in other words, a peckerhead, one whose intellect is rivaled only by garden tools, got off the Clue Bus a couple

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of stops early, is dumber than a box of hair and couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. The cerebrally challenged can occasionally be identified by physical characteristics: narrow between the eyes, green as a gourd, room temperature IQ, wanting in the upper story, more nostril hair than sense, numb nuts, mouth-breather, and flat Peter (trampled penis syndrome).

Statistics say that one out of every four Americans suffers from some form of mental illness. If your three best friends look okay, then it’s you.

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af t, m

If one has too much yardage between the goal posts, one is likely smart as bait, not the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest crayon in the box, nor shiniest bulb on the Christmas tree. If one is as fat as a hen in the forehead one is in want of understanding, thick as a plank, dense as a post, dumber than a bag of hammers, experiencing a leak in the think-tank, or suffering a crop failure and is definitely officer material.

D

entally strange,

barm y

,u

, pped n zi ty bat

,b

w
Whiff of the March Hare
Insanity doesn’t only run in my family, it actually gallops.
Anon.

w
Non Compos Mentis
Although lunatic is a perfectly good word to describe someone who is absolutely crackers, this loss of reason is rarely addressed head-on. Circumlocution often implies the

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afflicted is not properly wound, as in wandered, unhinged, or unglued. When someone is dotty, it is not unusual to allude to something lacking; therefore they are— A few bricks shy of a load. Couple of bubbles off plumb. Several fries short of a happy meal. One midget shy of a Fellini movie. Two clowns short of a circus. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. A few beers shy of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. Or: Both oars aren’t in the water. Only 50 cards in the deck. Wants for some pence in the shilling. Cheese slid off one’s cracker. All one’s dogs aren’t barking. One’s elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. Lights are on but no one is at home. No seeds in the pumpkin. Doesn’t have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. Her sewing machine’s out of thread. His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
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ns an e,

i

bonkers, cracked ,

loo ny No grain in the silo. Receiver is off the hook. All foam, no root beer.

, azed , cr

cucko

o,

w
A Stranger to Reason
If absolutely nuts, one is playing with the squirrels, has walnut storage disease, or is several nuts short of a full pouch. In the pinball game of life, if one’s flippers are a little further apart than most, one is dicked in the nob, blinky (milk about to sour), off one’s napper, has a slate loose, is damp in the attic, one’s slinky is in a kink, one’s skylight leaks, or one’s drawers are left open. Of course, if one is wealthy anything queer one says or does is merely eccentric.

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VCautionv
Even a fool can be right once in a while.

’N What?
Ñ Or Ode to Dan Rather
Lower’n the rent on a burning building Jumpier’n virgin at a prison rodeo Emptier’n a eunuch’s underpants Colder’n a well digger’s ass Stiffer’n a preacher’s prick at a wedding Tighter’n the bark on a tree Smoother’n snot on a doorknob Happier’n a coon on an ear of corn Awkward’n a cow on skates Lower’n a snake’s belly Slicker’n owl shit Clumsier’n a pig on ice Smaller’n a bar of soap after a hard day’s wash Colder’n a copper toilet seat in the Klondike Deafer’n an adder Fuller’n a tick Hotter’n a fresh fucked fox in a forest fire

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em en t

Happier’n a man who spent the day sorting out his concubine collection Sicker’n a pizzened pup Finer’n bee’s wings Noisier’n skeletons fucking on a tin roof Uselesser’n pantyhose on a pig Panickier’n a pig in a packing plant Jittery’n than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers Grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ cactus Happier’n a baby in barrel of tits Busier’n a dildo in a harem Icier’n the shady side of a banker’s heart Madder’n a wet hen Slowr’n a wet week Happier’n clams in high water Happier’n a puppy with two peters

d

ed, dera

nged, pec ulia r

143

,e

, aky tic, fl r ra fr uit

The author acknowledges the Dover Publications Pictorial Archive series, and the satirical graphics of Cruikshank, Gillray, Hogarth, and Rowlandson.

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