PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND PORN, SEX AND INTIMACY

PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND PORN, SEX AND INTIMACY
If I may ask, does your boyfriend or husband love to watch porn? Does his behavior affect your sex life in whichever way? Several studies have indicated that quite a good number of men watch pornographic videos for one reason or the other (Bowring, 2005). Several women who attend psychotherapy sessions have been complaining about their partners watching porn, which has led to a change in their habits and demands. Most of the women reported that their partners have lowered libido and others have lost interest in sex and intimacy. However, the reports have not been one-sided, as some couples still manage to enjoy marriage even though the husband loves to watch pornographic videos. On their side, men who watch porn have a reason for doing so as they say watching porn is harmless but rather resourceful. In his, book “Watching Sex: How do men really respond to pornography,” David shares that some of the reasons men watch porn movies include curiosity, play of fantasy, pleasure of surrender, among others.
There are a few problems associated with watching porn videos, issues which threaten to derail or tear apart the noble institution of marriage. Men who are avid lovers of porn have been reported to be less intimate during sex. When they are supposed to caress their partners or do foreplay prior to making love, they fail to do so. The resultant effect is non-gratifying sexual intercourse. Their mindset is that the woman is needs little stimulation to get aroused, a common feature with most porn movies.
The second problem that men suffer from is fixation. According to Mark Bnschick, M.D in The Intelligent Divorce project, when men watch porn for so long, they form an idealized image of a perfect woman with a curvy body shape, looking sexy, stunning and random . When having sex, they derive gratification not directly from the act of doing it with their partner but by creating a mental picture of an ideal woman in terms of body shape, beauty, etc. These kind of people may even start to resort to self-pleasuring because they never find the act of sex to be fully gratifying. When such things start to happen, the women in subject will start to feel betrayed, having self-esteem issues as well as self-questioning such as wondering whether they never satisfy their partners’ or spouses’ sexual needs (Bowring, 2005).
To make the matters even worse, claims are that regular watching of porn have made men more less like rapists who are clumsy in bed, without any sense of intimacy or attachment (Gallop, 2011). This kind of behavior is propagated by porn movies since the porn stars behave in a clumsy and commanding way. They take a dominating role during the whole process of sex or love making. The more the men watch these videos, they more they idolize the male porn stars, slowly incorporating that personality into themselves and finally into their love making moments.
In his book, “The Centrefold Syndrome,” David points out that porn changes how men think. Porn stars are attractive, sexy, good looking and some have curvy body shapes. The more men watch these videos, the more they develop an urge to have a quick and thrilling sexual encounter with virtually every woman who fits the billing of a porn star. On the other hand, Journal of Applied Social Psychology observes that people, who watched porn regularly reported less sexual satisfaction, coupled with a view that their partners lack good physical appearance and have poor sexual performance. Furthermore, another study published in the “Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy,” indicates that men who watched porn videos find other people less attractive. The real image is masked by an idealized image.
In his blog Good in Bed, Dr. Kemer says, “More and more women are complaining about guys who can no longer reach orgasm during sex, or seem distracted during sex….”
Apart from the effects of watching porn outlined above, let us now look at other factors such as oxytoxin, endorphins, hugging, cuddling and kissing along with how porn affect these vital elements needed for a satisfying relationship. Oxytoxin, commonly branded “the love hormone” plays a key role in bonding. This hormone promotes a feeling of warmth and attachment between two people (Banschick, 2014). On the other endorphins promotes a feel-good sensation. During sex, women secret more oxytoxin as compared to their male counterparts. This explains why women yearn for attachment and closeness after sex such as holding each other tightly, cuddling passionately, or even talking in low tones. For a woman, foreplay and arousal are as important as is sex, and are the prerequisites for intimate and orgasmic sex. Women find it so gratifying and pleasurable when a man caresses her without gently, look deeply into her eyes, whisper romantic words into her ears, play with her hair, caress he face and gently touching her ears. When these are done, they lead to the production of more endorphins and oxytoxins for bonding and a feel-good sensation.
Nevertheless, take a moment and think about this, do porn actors even take time to caress, hug and cuddle? Does oxytoxin get enough time to be secreted in abundance for bonding? The answer is NO! This is exactly where the problem starts with men addicted to watching porn videos. They rarely take their time to arouse their partners. They take a very short time before engaging in sexual intercourse even before their partner is ready. This leads to inability to reach a climax as well as a cause for unsatisfying sex life (Streufert, 1987).
The second aspect is kissing. Kissing and intimacy are like the head and tail of a coin; irreplaceable. You cannot kiss if you are not intimate, and a good sign of intimacy is deep kissing. These two aspects are what make couples or partners to have an intimate sex and relationship. If I may ask, have you known why sex workers refrain from kissing their clients? Due to its tender, close and developing nature, kissing can turn out to be too intimate to the extent that the sex workers can find themselves falling in love (Alexander, 2011). This is why they avoid kissing at all costs, or if they do, it is only light kissing and not deep kissing. According to Sheila Gregoire, a psychotherapist, the more a man watches porn, the more the mode of gratification changes to solely stimulation, gradually excluding kissing and cuddling.
I now bet you can clearly see why sex and intimacy may never be the real deal for your relationship. Men you should be careful!

References
Alexander, L. (2011). Putas of the Caribbean Prostitutes of the Caribbean.. Phillipsburg: AuthorHouse.
Bowring, L. (2005). Searching for intimacy: pornography, the internet and the XXX factor. Milton Keynes: Authentic Media.
Gallop, C. (2011). Make Love Not Porn: Technology 's Hardcore Impact on Human Behavior. New York: TED Books.
Ley, D. J. (2009). Insatiable wives: women who stray and the men who love them. Lanham, Md.: Rowman & Littlefield. (2013). Pornography. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37(6), 12-17.
Sex, Porn, and the Challenge of Intimacy. (n.d.). Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Retrieved April 21, 2014, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201403/sex-porn-and-the-challenge-intimacy
Streufert, S. (1987). Applied Social Psychology. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 17(7), 605-608.
Why Husbands Lose Interest in Sex. (n.d.). iMOM. Retrieved April 21, 2014, from http://www.imom.com/mom-life/marriage-and-love/why-husbands-lose-interest-in-sex/

References: Alexander, L. (2011). Putas of the Caribbean Prostitutes of the Caribbean.. Phillipsburg: AuthorHouse. Bowring, L. (2005). Searching for intimacy: pornography, the internet and the XXX factor. Milton Keynes: Authentic Media. Gallop, C. (2011). Make Love Not Porn: Technology 's Hardcore Impact on Human Behavior. New York: TED Books. Ley, D. J. (2009). Insatiable wives: women who stray and the men who love them. Lanham, Md.: Rowman & Littlefield. (2013). Pornography. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37(6), 12-17. Sex, Porn, and the Challenge of Intimacy. (n.d.). Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist. Retrieved April 21, 2014, from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201403/sex-porn-and-the-challenge-intimacy Streufert, S. (1987). Applied Social Psychology. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 17(7), 605-608. Why Husbands Lose Interest in Sex. (n.d.). iMOM. Retrieved April 21, 2014, from http://www.imom.com/mom-life/marriage-and-love/why-husbands-lose-interest-in-sex/