Reasons for Divorce

In the United States, researchers estimate that 40%–50% of all first marriages, and 60% of second marriages, will end in divorce. Researchers have identified the most common causes people give for their divorces. A recent national survey found that the top three reasons given for divorce were: “lack of commitment” (73% said this was a major reason), too much arguing (56%) and infidelity (55%). Divorce is both very personal and all too common. There are many myths about divorce; so individuals, at the crossroads of divorce, may benefit by knowing the research facts and common reasons that people give for divorcing. Commitment is having a long-term view of the marriage that helps us not get overwhelmed by the problems and challenges day to day. When there is high commitment in a relationship, we feel safer and are willing to give more for the relationship to succeed. Commitment is clearly a factor in why some couples stay together and others divorce. Researchers have identified two elements of commitment. The first is constraint commitment. These are things that keep us in the marriage even if things aren’t going so well; for example: social pressure from family or friends, financial worries, children, religious or moral beliefs about divorce, and fear about the future. Constraints can serve the purpose of keeping us from jumping ship when leaks appear in our marriage, as they always do. The second, stronger form of commitment: personal dedication. This involves a real desire to be together with one’s spouse in the future, a sense of we-ness, or an identity as a couple, not just two individuals. When commitment seems to be fading, it can be helpful to remember the good times in the relationship and to talk about your dreams for the future together. Arguing can be caused by many things and handled in a variety of different ways. Each person has a contrasting definition of marriage and fighting. I think that people with passion and conviction, fight for their beliefs. It is a sign of a healthy mind to stand up for what you believe in. It is unhealthier to let a person dictate what you should believe in and care about. Sometimes it is more of an unhealthy relationship when there are no disagreements, because it may mean that one of the two people in the relationship is not defining who they are, individually. People who battle each other (to a point), care enough to stick around and work at the rough edges in their relationship. Couples who fight are more likely to be honest and would rather live happily together than just "exist" in a marriage built on deceit. Reconciling when you're relationship is bogged down by arguments and fighting is complicated to decide. The choice is made from each individual threshold. Unfortunately, too many couples face the challenge of infidelity; that is, one or both spouses have been sexually unfaithful. The discovery of infidelity is usually traumatic and recovering from infidelity is difficult. Therapists who help couples deal with infidelity describe three stages in the process of recovering from infidelity: (1) absorbing and dealing with the traumatic impact of infidelity; (2) creating meaning for why the affair occurred; and (3) moving forward with one’s life—either together or apart—with this new understanding. In the first stage, individuals find that their whole world seems to be upside down. They may struggle to function with day-to-day life, find ways to absorb this change and still function. Next, they have to find understanding and meaning about the infidelity. They need to know why it happened and then they need to explore ways to recover and rebuild trust and intimacy. Finally, they need to evaluate their relationship and reach healthy decisions about whether to stay together and keep working to improve the relationship or to separate. Researchers have found that individuals considering divorce make their decision to stay or leave based on the rewards they gain from the marriage, the barriers against leaving the marriage, their perceptions about finding a better relationship, and the amount of investment they have made in their marriage. Barriers to leaving a marriage, such as financial worries, can keep marriages together in the short run. However, unless there is improvement in the relationship, eventually the barriers are usually not enough to keep a marriage together in the long run. Ultimately, the rewards of a healthy and happy marriage—love, friendship, and a shared life—are the stronger glue that keeps couples together.