Revising an Essay

Revising an Essay

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Revising an Essay
UOP COM/155
12/16/12

Analyze the feedback After reviewing my three feedback resources write point, plagiarism checker, and instructors comments I have located the necessary changes need to be made, in order to produce a college level essay. The first and foremost change that needs to be made is to develop a clear thesis statement or a preview statement. The thesis statement I have sheds some light on my topic but should let me reader know exactly what the topic is about. Secondly after reviewing the plagiarism checker I realized I have no outside sources to validate my feelings on my essays subject. I think in order to enhance my paper it would be appropriate to add a citation or a statistic. After reviewing my instructor’s comments and write point I realize my transitions and grammar are weak in some areas and I need to elaborate more on my supporting details. Granted my main concepts were well thought and spelling was up to par. If I adjust these few areas in my essay and remember to use proper grammar, I will produce a good and sound full essay.

Now that we have reviewed the feedback it is time to implement and add the necessary changes. The main focus would be to strengthen my thesis at this point. It is weak and unclear. My essay would benefit from brainstorming a stronger more direct thesis in order to enhance my introduction. The next phase would be my supporting details, by outsource for statics and credible information validating my supporting points I will make them more credible, thus creating a better impact on my reader. Finding evidence that supports my opinions will show my readers this essay is backed up and not written based of just my opinion alone. Next I would focus on my flow and coherency. I already have strong and informative information but if the reader becomes confused because my paper is choppy than it will do no good. By smoothing out my transitions and grammar my paper will flow smoothly. After all the changes I will polish my paper by checking all grammar and formatting in write point. After that my paper will be ready for submission.

Write Point Feedback:

When I look at my phone I see over two hundred text messages as opposed to a call history of two missed calls, one received and no out going [Check spelling--outgoing is one word] calls. These days, mobile phone has become popular. From a teen age girl in high school to an old man in a retirement home, everyone uses mobile to communicate with his or her friends. When texting first came out the younger generation cramped their fingers with the nonstop texting from all hours and corners of the world. As time has progressed even an older generation has become more familiar with texting. Texting has become more popular than calling. There are a lot of [Only commercial shipments and real estate are measured in lots. To use "a lot of" to mean "many," "much," or "a large amount" is a colloquialism (not universally clear). Use another term.] reasons why [Writing suggestion--remove "why" or "for why"] people are using more texts messaging instead of calling. Some people still think that calling is a better way to communicate and [Grammar: A run-on sentence requires a comma before "and" (or other conjunction) linking main clauses] some believe texting is superior. This is a controversial topic that you can decide upon yourself. Which way of communication is more effective: the fastest and most efficient, the one that expresses your emotions well, or the one that teaches you social skills? [Writing suggestion: Unless in a quote or a title, avoid rhetorical questions in academic writing. A good idea is to provide answers, not questions] In today’s world we are looking for the quickest way to complete everything, from losing weight using enhanced drugs and surgeries, to texting as opposed to talking on the phone. We are always trying to cut time and personal effort short. The quickest way seems to be more appealing than what would connect us with those around us. A text message can communicate with another individual rapidly without the risk of getting caught up in a long personal conversation. The efficiency of texting is also that you get more privacy. People around you can’t hear what you are talking about. Texting appeals to teenagers especially because they can say more in a text message. First they don’t have to worry about someone overhearing the conversations, thus [Run-on sentence: place semicolon before "thus"] they can tell more in a text than when they are talking on the phone because it easier to express ones thoughts and feelings. More so it tends to be more exclusive on a text message as opposed to a phone call. You can be in a room full of people and give the person you are texting you undivided attention, whereas if you are on the phone in a room full of people you will constantly be interrupted by those around you. Human connections are extremely important in our developmental growth and social growth. We need to understand and relate to each other in order to develop a bound and connection. Texting can cause some problems for expressing our emotions and connecting with those around us. The reason it can affect our growth is because, when you send a text message, the person that gets it cannot tell your expression. Thus means the sender and receiver are unable to [Writing suggestion--Simplify the sentence by shortening "unable to" to "cannot," "could not," etc.] connect emotionally. It is almost impossible to read emotions in a text, even though many of us believe a simple icon can tell our feelings. It is easy to deceive a person when texting as opposed to on the phone about how you truly feel about a situation or event. You may think that the person is angry when he is not or the other way around. Despite the privacy and efficiency of a text message, text messages often can cause situations of misunderstanding. However, when you talk on the phone with someone, you can hear them speak and be able to detect their tone and emotions in their words and expressions. We strive as people growing into adulthood for a social connection to relate to those around us physically and emotionally. Even though text messages help us communicate with one another, they allow us to become secluded from the personal connection. Many teenagers switch from talking at school or going out with friends to sitting on the computer or texting. Even though this exposes us to certain aspects of a social connection it deprives us of the personal social connection. In conclusion, in the ten years or so texting has been increased majorly and calling reduced. However both of them have their pros and cons. Where texting complete your life as a social accessory to a fast paced [Cliché--"fast paced" is an old phrase, seen too often, and marks your writing as unoriginal. Try to express the idea in another way] world phone calls maintain that personal social connection. Everyday our world grows and expands today it means that our social aspect has increased through technology but has lost its personal touch. Although just like any fad things come in waves tomorrow phone calls may be back at the top of social communications, but today our fingers stay ready for the next text message.
Instructor feedback: You have a good paper as a whole, but some revision is still needed. Your main points needed more support. Additionally, your paper flow what choppy in a few places. I suggest reading out loud to catch the problem spots. You will also want to run the paper through write point for the grammar and usage errors.

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