Revising An Essay
Revising the French Revolution Essay
Old Thesis Statement:
The French Revolution could have happened without the Enlightenment because France was in debt for various expenditures, there was a weak government and weak leadership, and there were rumors spreading throughout France which all led to social unrest.
New Thesis Statement:
Though some may feel that the Enlightenment led to the French Revolution, the crisis of confidence that was created by French national debt, a weak government and poor leadership and insidious rumors is what inevitably led to the conflict.
What to notice:
This thesis statement has a ‘so what’ or overriding argument that focuses the argument to one point. This allows the writer to continually refer back to this argument throughout the paper giving their writing continuity and strength.
This thesis statement also avoids stating the obvious. In the old thesis statement the last phrase ‘which all led to social unrest’ seems to be there to add some sort of point, when in fact it is an obvious statement, which weakens the argument. The new thesis statement is purely arguable.
Old Body Paragraph One
Louis XVI loved his wife, Marie Antoinette, very much( THIS IS NOT AN ARGUMENT, IT ALSO DOESN’T DIRECT THE READER TO WHAT THIS PARAGRAH IS GOING TO BE ABOUT OR HOW IT CONNECTS BACK TO THE THESIS STATEMENT). His love was so great he would buy whatever her heart desired. He spent so much of France’s money on jewels, gowns, gambling, and gifts for her that she became known as “Madame Deficit” (Lecture Notes). Bankers eventually refused to lend Louis any more money for they knew he was not good for it and they wouldn’t receive it back. The amount of money France spent on the American Revolution and the debt inherited from previous kings also caused many financial problems. France financed most of the American Revolution and spent lavishly on it. The fact that Louis XVI didn’t listen to government advisors and details didn’t help much either.
Old Thesis Statement:
The French Revolution could have happened without the Enlightenment because France was in debt for various expenditures, there was a weak government and weak leadership, and there were rumors spreading throughout France which all led to social unrest.
New Thesis Statement:
Though some may feel that the Enlightenment led to the French Revolution, the crisis of confidence that was created by French national debt, a weak government and poor leadership and insidious rumors is what inevitably led to the conflict.
What to notice:
This thesis statement has a ‘so what’ or overriding argument that focuses the argument to one point. This allows the writer to continually refer back to this argument throughout the paper giving their writing continuity and strength.
This thesis statement also avoids stating the obvious. In the old thesis statement the last phrase ‘which all led to social unrest’ seems to be there to add some sort of point, when in fact it is an obvious statement, which weakens the argument. The new thesis statement is purely arguable.
Old Body Paragraph One
Louis XVI loved his wife, Marie Antoinette, very much( THIS IS NOT AN ARGUMENT, IT ALSO DOESN’T DIRECT THE READER TO WHAT THIS PARAGRAH IS GOING TO BE ABOUT OR HOW IT CONNECTS BACK TO THE THESIS STATEMENT). His love was so great he would buy whatever her heart desired. He spent so much of France’s money on jewels, gowns, gambling, and gifts for her that she became known as “Madame Deficit” (Lecture Notes). Bankers eventually refused to lend Louis any more money for they knew he was not good for it and they wouldn’t receive it back. The amount of money France spent on the American Revolution and the debt inherited from previous kings also caused many financial problems. France financed most of the American Revolution and spent lavishly on it. The fact that Louis XVI didn’t listen to government advisors and details didn’t help much either.