Secrets of Happiness

Secrets of Happiness:
It may not be what you think it is
NAGC Big Event, 28th October 2012
Dr Shoshana Garfield, PhD

What Makes You Happy?

What Makes You Distressed?

Feeling
Experience

T h o u g h t

h o u g h t T

Outside In Living

T h o u g h t

What is ‘Thought’?
• Non-verbal:
– Even infants can be clinically depressed
– Physical pain is so non-verbal it even, in the extremity of the moment, may eradicate the very capacity for language

• Verbal:
– 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day (National Science
Foundation)

• Beliefs – verbal and non-verbal
– Stacked; one set of beliefs underpins another, e.g.
• ‘My child needs good grades to get a good job’ sits atop
• ‘My child needs a good (well-paying) job to be happy’ sits atop
• ‘Having money will give my child happiness, or at least security.’

Thought
.
Happiness
Anxiety
Anger

Distress

Culture, Family, School, Media, Religion, Generalisations from Circumstances,
MEANINGS stack up and become filters for what is perceived (what is possible, what is deserved, what the self is, how relationships work, what ‘love’ is, what ‘safety’ is, etc.)

We all know people react differently...
• One person’s frustrating traffic jam is another person’s welcome opportunity to finish an audio book
• Even things like serious illness (cancer, amputations) have different emotional impacts on people
• A knowing, empirical and intuitive, that change in emotional habits is possible

Experience Is What We Think It Is
• It is our RELATIONSHIP with an event that determines our EXPERIENCE of it.
– Traffic jams
– Job loss can be greeted with relief or dread (or both, or any number of mix of feelings)
– Illness
– Death in the family

• Feelings are the physical experience of thought Delving Deeper
• If change and variability is really even possible, then:
– Impact of Psychological Trauma/Big Life Events do not follow physical laws of damage
– Impact of PT/BLE do not follow the predictable laws of physics – e.g. Law of Thermodynamics, Law of Gravity

• What is the real KEY to our wellbeing and happiness?
– The past events happened. They don’t change.
– The RELATIONSHIP with the past changes.
– That relationship is 100% comprised of our thought.

• Reliance on the personal level of thinking (the level of psychology) to experience wellbeing is like looking under the streetlamp for your keys

What is Inner Wisdom (Happiness,
Wellbeing)?
• Knowing yourself unconditionally AS, unconditionally, peace, love, kindness,
Which leads to.... compassion.... → DEEP sense of peace
→ Inspiration, intuition
→ Awareness of the nature and role of thought → Detachment from outcome – being OK with whatever happens
→ Responsibility for one’s feelings and actions Examples of Paradigm Changes
Old Paradigm

Current Paradigm

Geocentrism

Heliocentrism (3rd century BC, Aristarchus of Samos)

Flat Earth

Sphere-ish Earth

Disease Theories that did nothing to improve health (e.g. Bad Smells,
Punishment, Personality Faults)

Infection from viruses or bacteria – Ignaz
Semmelweis (1800s), Pasteur (later 1800s)

Children are resources to be used by parents Children deserve a childhood and parents are responsible for supporting that process.

Psychology of the Personal

Psychology of Inner Wisdom (strands through the ages, includes compassion for the
Personal)

Paradigm in Picture
Level of Individual Psychology, of the
Personal, of the Story –
Who we THINK we are, who we fear we are

Inner Wisdom
(Who we REALLY are)

Our Senses LIE to Us
• It SEEMS like the sun crosses the sky, but it does not. It is a reality that the sun crosses the sky according to the input of our senses, but this has nothing to do with explanatory causality.
• Similarly, we can FEEL extremes of emotions or even just bored. But this perceived REALITY does not relate to causality.
• Feelings, however compelling, are not caused by events or circumstances, but by the in-themoment-thinking about the events or circumstances. Implications
• We are the creator of our experience (not events or other people (or THEIR feelings or actions or needs)!!!) • We are therefore responsible for our experiences.
• In fact: We are 100% responsible for 100% of our experience, 100% of the time. NO MATTER
WHAT.
• This does NOT mean blame or fault.
• Philosophically (as opposed to legally) speaking, there are NO victims, or perpetrators. No matter what. Perspective Comparison
Traps of Outside In Living

Freedom of Inside Out Living

I’ll be happy when... (e.g. I get a new job or higher-paying client)

I am open to the possibility of choosing to be happy now.

I can’t be happy because... (e.g. of my childhood, my current (problem))

I can be happy irrespective of what the past contains or what is happening now

The past intrudes into NOW

The past is contained in the past. In fact, I recreate the past with my thoughts.

I am vulnerable to circumstance; ‘bad’ circumstance means pain/deprivation

I am deeply resilient. Circumstance does not impact my wellbeing or wisdom, which is innate. This is so even when I am in pain.

I am my story – I am my demographics and my circumstance and my experience

I am not my story; I am in charge of my story, even when I do not experience that.
I am something besides my body + personality. ‘I’ cannot be put into words, insufficiently summed as the intelligence behind life / inner wisdom.

High Quality of Mind

Positive and Negative of the ‘Positive’ and ‘Negative’

HAPPY

ANGRY

SAD

ANXIOUS

Low Quality of Mind

Land of Crap Thinking: Where most people live most of the time

Low

Clarity of Thinking
(Mood, Quality of Thinking)

Investment in goals / outcomes

High

High (Clear Thinking)

Low
(Distorted, Crap Thinking)

Where Are We Really Most Effective?
Land of Clear Thinking

Clarity of Thinking:
High

Taking Inspired
Action, Infused with Calm and
Peace

Low

Clarity of Thinking
(Mood, Quality of Thinking)

Investment in goals / outcomes

High

Low:
Distorted, Crap Thinking

Call to Inner Wisdom
• “The secret of the good life is not suffocating in the mind's crap. The mind’s crap is like heroin (or a warm blanket or money in the bank or life insurance)—it feels so good and protected and safe and warm that even if you do choke on your own sick, you don't mind so much. The alternative, freedom, is often too terrifying for a mind to tolerate, so the mind hides from freedom behind piles of s&!t, under blankets of evaluation, in a bed of memories.” - Dr Brad
Blanton

Shifting in and out of Inner Wisdom
• We move in and out of our Inner Wisdom many times every day
• Even the Dalai Lama gets upset sometimes
• LISTEN to your own talking, the talking of others
• Unless you allow yourself to SEE your thinking, you are vulnerable to being flooded by it, lost in the story.
• The trick is to keep compassionate awareness going, and remind ourselves of our Inner
Wisdom, of our Truth: All is already well, We are already OK.

We Only Make 2 Mistakes

Anxiety
Anger

Distress

We innocently explain our unpleasant or distressed feelings as caused by something/someone outside of ourselves

Happiness

We innocently explain our pleasant feelings as caused by something/someone outside ourselves

And We Only Ever Have One Problem
• We only have a problem when we get lost in our thinking, when we think ourselves into a deep hole of feeling (e.g. worry, anger, depression). • You may think this is ridiculous, that your problems are real...

REAL vs TRUE
REAL
• Something can FEEL even catastrophically real – a break-up, an illness, or the loss of a favourite toy

TRUE
• Truth is constant – our wellbeing is constant, even when we have no access to it • New thought is always possible

Common Queries / Challenges
• Does this mean I have to change my thinking?
• Do I have to stop thinking?
• How is it possible to feel miserable and still be
OK? It sounds like psycho-babble nonsense!
• Am I stupid or a failure if I have a bad mood?
• How is it possible for my child to be safe without physical safety (i.e. If my child is bullied)?
• Do nasty and cruel people have Inner Wisdom too? • Isn’t it unfair to also hold children responsible for their thinking?

(Partial) Summary of New Paradigm
• We all have innate Inner Wisdom
• We all have the SAME ‘amount’ of Inner
Wisdom, but access to it certainly varies
• We are only ever feeling our thinking
• We are 100% responsible for 100% of our thinking 100% of the time
• Your Inner Wisdom is always there, it is a constant, and your access to it is only ever an insight away.

Implications for Your Parenting
• No longer ever seeing yourself, partner or your children as victims (or perpetrators), but instead, seeing and knowing your and their already extant INNOCENCE and
WHOLENESS
– Innocent – because at the moment of tantrum, selfishness, etc. the person (big or little) has lost their connection to their
Inner Wisdom in that moment
– Connecting to that innocence is one means to compassion

• Your job is help yourself and your child(ren) drill through the level of ‘The Personal’ to your and their Inner Wisdom
• Not getting lost in your or their story, but staying present
• LIVING IT: FEEL it for yourself, drill down through your own
Personal, lead by your own insight and calm.

Inner Wisdom, Compassion, Parenting
• When you are recognising the innocence of the involved parties, you are in compassion.
• Compassion means (in part) acceptance
• Anger means (in part) judgement
• Acceptance leads to accountability
• Judgment leads to punishment
• Which do you think your kids want you to be in when you decide about consequences?!?

Inner Wisdom Action Guide
• Like with losing weight, eating less at one meal is not a one minute solution, but it all adds up
– You find ‘drama’ (e.g. Extreme anger or distress, temper tantrums) from your child decreases over time
– Talk about thought:
• BEFORE you NEED to!!!!
• As much as possible – life gives opportunity

• LIMIT interaction when they are in drama! Once they calm down, you can talk with detachment about the thoughts that created the feelings.
• You find yourself reacting to their drama much less, and thereby leading them out of their emotional state faster. Applied Inner Wisdom
• Child being bullied
• Child anxious before exam
• Child grumpy and resistant over, e.g.
– not wanting to do homework
– not wanting to contribute to housework
– not wanting to go to bed

• Child throwing tantrum
• Your examples?

Resources on Inner Wisdom
Somebody Should Have Told Us – J Pransky
You Can Be Happy No Matter What – R Carlson
Parenting From the Heart – J Pransky www.threeprinciplesmovies.com www.tikun.co.uk – inner wisdom conference 11-13
November
• www.shoshanagarfield.com www.unlimitedemotionalfreedom.com •
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– First chapter of my book on forgiveness (free)

• To arrange a consultation, or a speaking or teaching engagement: – Email: [e-mail]
– Office Number: 01273 252 333

Any Questions?
• Feel free to ask ANY queries about this you wish