Self Disclosure Through Music
***** ******
April 7th 2011
Deol
Self Disclosure Through Music 1. The song, “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down came to have a very significant meaning to me this past September, after my grandmother passed away. The day she died, and a few days after I remained seemingly unaffected and went on with my usual routine of work and partying, I spoke of it to my friends casually, and when they offered support I replied indifferently “it’s all good, that’s what happens”. It wasn’t until about a week later, on the morning of her rosary that I finally broke down. When I woke up that morning I knew it was coming, and told my mom to go ahead without me; that I’d meet her there, not willing to allow her to see me in a moment of weakness. When she left, I set the song on repeat, and let the sadness engulf me. The masquerade was over. As the tears rolled down my face, the sadness quickly turned to anger and guilt. My grandma died alone, in a nursing home, with nobody by her side to comfort her as the last bit of life left her frail, broken body. Memories of her taking care of me when I was young flooded my brain. Her tender, loving hands bathing me, cooking for me, rubbing all my pain away. It was no longer anger I felt, but rage. Unable to take it anymore, I grabbed my keys and headed off, driving like a maniac. The stereo was so loud I wouldn’t have heard if there was a siren going off right next to me. The tears continued to flow, blurring my vision. The music continued to blast, impairing my hearing. As I got onto the freeway I quickly passed the 100mph mark on my speedometer. Weaving through traffic, cutting people off, so consumed with rage and self-loathing to care how many people I endangered. Miraculously I got to the chapel unharmed. I parked and watched as people I hadn’t seen in years walk in to “pay their respects”.
I hated them. All of them. My hate knew no boundaries, and did not discriminate. I hated the distant relatives who all of the sudden cared.
April 7th 2011
Deol
Self Disclosure Through Music 1. The song, “Here Without You” by 3 Doors Down came to have a very significant meaning to me this past September, after my grandmother passed away. The day she died, and a few days after I remained seemingly unaffected and went on with my usual routine of work and partying, I spoke of it to my friends casually, and when they offered support I replied indifferently “it’s all good, that’s what happens”. It wasn’t until about a week later, on the morning of her rosary that I finally broke down. When I woke up that morning I knew it was coming, and told my mom to go ahead without me; that I’d meet her there, not willing to allow her to see me in a moment of weakness. When she left, I set the song on repeat, and let the sadness engulf me. The masquerade was over. As the tears rolled down my face, the sadness quickly turned to anger and guilt. My grandma died alone, in a nursing home, with nobody by her side to comfort her as the last bit of life left her frail, broken body. Memories of her taking care of me when I was young flooded my brain. Her tender, loving hands bathing me, cooking for me, rubbing all my pain away. It was no longer anger I felt, but rage. Unable to take it anymore, I grabbed my keys and headed off, driving like a maniac. The stereo was so loud I wouldn’t have heard if there was a siren going off right next to me. The tears continued to flow, blurring my vision. The music continued to blast, impairing my hearing. As I got onto the freeway I quickly passed the 100mph mark on my speedometer. Weaving through traffic, cutting people off, so consumed with rage and self-loathing to care how many people I endangered. Miraculously I got to the chapel unharmed. I parked and watched as people I hadn’t seen in years walk in to “pay their respects”.
I hated them. All of them. My hate knew no boundaries, and did not discriminate. I hated the distant relatives who all of the sudden cared.