Slow-Mo Analysis

From my first essay of the slow-mo topic, the strengths in this essay is telling a story that can be visualized. It is telling of the time I went fishing for the first time by myself and the events that led up to it. The strengths in this essay are the parts you can imagine and see in your head like the part where I wrote “The ring was a familiar sound to the bell I hung on my pole. My sight shifted from the television to the fishing pole outside. The pole was bending.” The reader can image a person hearing a bed from afar and turning to look at the bending pole. Another part that can be visualized is the actual slow-mo part. When it says “My knees and elbows scraped on the dirty, cement floor. Dark red blood started oozing from the
When I wrote “I had no free periods because my parents did not allow it,” I felt like a lot of students can relate because their parents tell them the same thing and they understand how hard and difficult it is to not have any free periods. In my opinion, if teachers need a free period, so do students. Another strength was the word choice when I wrote the part “I thought, why am I torturing myself with all this work? Why can’t I have fun like everyone else? Why do I have to become that person where no one invites out on weekends anymore because they know I have to study?” I thought this was a better word choice than writing something like “I don’t want to torture myself with all this work. I don’t not want to have fun. Etc..” The weaknesses is that there is too much telling. I basically wrote an entire paragraph with just telling sentence when I wrote “Go to school at 7:30. Go to tutorial until 8:00. Take tests or quizzes throughout the day. Go to tutorial after school or study until 4:00. Study at home until 6:30. Eat and shower. Study, do my homework, or prepare for a presentation or debate until 12:00. Sleep. Repeat.” The readers who haven’t experienced this don’t know what it’s like to be stressed with so much school work. I should have wrote showing sentences like what the stress
I choose this one because I connect with that topic more. It is an easier topic that I can write about because it is such a big moment that happened so I still remember everything that happened and now I felt that made me become this person. I think this essay has the most potential because it has the least telling of the other two and I feel that there is a better flow between paragraphs and it isn’t very choppy. With the first essay, I feel like it would be hard to incorporate a point to it because I do not want it to should like a lesson or something I have learned after this experience. With the turning point, it is a narrative that leads into what happened which is the turning point. With the third essay, there is also too much telling. I do like the idea of it, but I feel like if I don’t tell the readers what I do on a daily basis and the classes I take, the readers wouldn’t understand why it’s such a hard and stressful time for me. And with that, I feel like there is too much telling. The specific steps I will take to build my draft into a fully formed, exemplary narrative essay is to fix all the parts where I wrote “I realized” or “I felt” because it makes it seem like a there was a lesson or something that was learned. I also have to elaborate more about what I was feeling at that moment. Like how I felt when I was heartbroken because I was also feeling a lot of