Soloist Reflection

I take pride in not being a statistic. I am not one of the twenty percent of teenagers who will not graduate from high school. I am not one of the seven percent of teenagers who commits suicide. I am not one of the fourteen million people living with cancer in the United States. However, I am one of the fifteen million people suffering from social anxiety disorder. I have been facing constant fear my entire life, and I am now learning how to grow from my anxieties.

I have been shy since I was young. Introducing myself to people never came easy to me. Since entering high school, my friends must ask questions for me. Standing up to give a speech in class paralyzes me with fear. I often need to cancel plans with my friends because going out in public causes me
I was asked to be a soloist for the piece we had prepared. On the day of the competition, I was sick from all of the anxiety. I managed to play the entire piece without having a panic attack, though I was shaking for an hour after the competition. My ensemble received a perfect score with notes on our scorecard about how confident each soloist seemed in their ability to play. I recognize that I am talented at playing the cello, however, thinking of the possible outcomes scares me away from being a soloist. Even in my most comfortable setting, playing my cello, the thought of performing a solo is enough to cause me to be sick to my stomach.

Everything that I do, and everything I say, is calculated and prepared in my mind hundreds of times. I refuse to operate without a solid plan in place. I will never be late to an appointment as just the thought of not being on time gives me panic attacks. Even writing this essay causes adrenaline to run through my body because I know that I am being judged for what I say and how I write. My anxiety has controlled my life thus far, and I know that it will always be something I will struggle