Square Dancing
Square dancing was first developed by lonely farmers as a means of entertaining and wooing their livestock (or at least that’s the rumor I’m choosing to believe/spread). But honestly, how drunk on moonshine and bored with wife-beating did people used to be to develop this jig of humiliation? More importantly, how—I reiterate HOW is it still around today? I mean wasn’t Bugs Bunny mocking this like 60+ years ago?
Barnfolk during a hootenanny.
Personally, I’m for jettisoning into the sun everyone involved in any non-farming interaction that regularly takes place in a barn. Who the hell wants to dance around a friggin’ barn?! Barnfolk, that’s who— and they permanently forgot to evolve.
Let’s talk about some things that would be present at any square dance jig-off. First, it’s impossible to picture a group of people square dancing without there being that one guy with the obscenely long Rip Van Winkle beard.Of course, he wasn’t magically asleep for 20 years when it grew, unless you count his life-long whiskey haze and vow against critical thinking. Second, the band always does that foot-stomp knee-slap head-bob thing, telepathically conveying the message “we’re all a bunch of asinine hicks and we love it!” The head-bob is the “and we love it part.” Third, well you may not see this, but square dancing is the only dance where it’s easy to picture a random farm animal suddenly standing up on two legs, joining in, and it seems natural.
Another bumpkin seduced by a jigging goat.
Bumpkins promenading across the room with goats and sheep; why not? They make-out with them regularly anyhow. I will admit I’m fairly surprised they called it “square dancing” at all considering the highest level of schooling in the room is probably a forged G.E.D. (like they know what a “square” is) …Bunch of geometrically confused hill-folk buck-toothed and guffawing as they spin around a cow trough. Damn I hate that square dancing still exists!
Barnfolk during a hootenanny.
Personally, I’m for jettisoning into the sun everyone involved in any non-farming interaction that regularly takes place in a barn. Who the hell wants to dance around a friggin’ barn?! Barnfolk, that’s who— and they permanently forgot to evolve.
Let’s talk about some things that would be present at any square dance jig-off. First, it’s impossible to picture a group of people square dancing without there being that one guy with the obscenely long Rip Van Winkle beard.Of course, he wasn’t magically asleep for 20 years when it grew, unless you count his life-long whiskey haze and vow against critical thinking. Second, the band always does that foot-stomp knee-slap head-bob thing, telepathically conveying the message “we’re all a bunch of asinine hicks and we love it!” The head-bob is the “and we love it part.” Third, well you may not see this, but square dancing is the only dance where it’s easy to picture a random farm animal suddenly standing up on two legs, joining in, and it seems natural.
Another bumpkin seduced by a jigging goat.
Bumpkins promenading across the room with goats and sheep; why not? They make-out with them regularly anyhow. I will admit I’m fairly surprised they called it “square dancing” at all considering the highest level of schooling in the room is probably a forged G.E.D. (like they know what a “square” is) …Bunch of geometrically confused hill-folk buck-toothed and guffawing as they spin around a cow trough. Damn I hate that square dancing still exists!