The Gift of Sex

Running Head: THE GIFT OF SEX 1
THE GIFT OF SEX

Rhonda T. Tucker

Liberty University

March 8, 2013

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Abstract
The Gift of Sex is a guide to what every marriage needs to get past the misconception of
Sexuality. There have always been myths of what is the right concept of what each marriage should have to help motivate their sexuality. But when reading this book one will gain good knowledge of the do’s and don’ts in a sexual relationship with your spouse. It starts out with the
Biblical Perspective, what the Bible really thinks about Human Sexuality. The Physical
Dimension of Sexuality, how our bodies can look to keep things interesting. The Total
Experience, how to keep your spouse interested. When Sex Isn’t Working, these are problems that occur in a marriage with sexuality. And finally how to Enhance the Sexual Experience, what can we do in the bedroom and outside the bedroom to keep that “Fire Burning”. This is a great book and it is a reading pleasure for all married couples to read. Once one reads this book it will open up their minds to keep pleasing that Sexuality that lies deep inside of all of us.

THE GIFT OF SEX 3 Looking into the six perspectives of this book called “The Gift of Sex”, there is enlighten knowledge of how mankind can have better understanding of what can be received in
Sexuality. This view of knowledge can be used to make past ideas more clear. “The sexual therapist throughout the world have learned that men make the difference by accepting and getting with the woman’s ever-changing complex sexuality. Women keep sex interesting by learning to take in sexual pleasure and to set the sexual pace for sex in marriage; both keep passion alive in marriage by focusing on pleasure, enjoying a slow pace, healing from past hurts, and being deliberate about their sexual relationship.”(Penner & Penner, pg 1) These therapist went out through many different area of world and listen to what couples had to say about what was troubling them about sex and sexuality in their marriage. When reading this book the thought maybe raised can these two therapist really help with the issues that come up in a day to day situation of life? Can the answers be here for all couples? Can spouses in all marriage learn from what they are reading? But the answer is “yes” to all these questions. There is something for every situation, for every couple and for every spouse to learn from. When looking at the biblical perspective of this book it is made very clear of what God expects of us in our individual sexuality. “The Bible speaks about sexuality as a prized gift. It designates sex for marriage, because it is within this commitment that the qualities of a highly held view of sexuality can be filled. The Bible portrays sex a symbol of the relationship between God and his people. It put sex in the context of the deepest commitment on human make to another: a lifelong commitment to honor, cherish, and be faithful until death.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg.20) God’s plan was for man and woman to gather together, in one in the image of God.
THE GIFT OF SEX 4 Man and woman were created in His image for a divine purpose. Sometimes the purpose is not clear, but when looking back He differently had an ultimate goal for couples. This relationship that God had for man and women was to generate more individual through love, that the prophesy of Him would move forward. “This image as it reflects God and as it relates to sexuality, includes two dimensions: our sexual functioning and our functioning in relationship as a couple.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg 21) “The first command given to mankind was to “become one.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg. 21) “This is a sexual function.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg.21) “The second command involved dominion and choice.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg.21) Mankind was given the choice to find a woman or a man that could join with to become one in the love of God. That is forsaken all others until death do they part. Then the sexual function is for mankind to be fruitful and multiply, bring forth children to carry on the image of this union, but most importantly the image of God Almighty. In the second command dominion and choice. God gives the ability to each couple to move in their marriage to have the freedom through love for each other. Just as the Scriptures tells us, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”(Genesis 2:24) This scripture lets us know God brought forth woman for man to have someone to complete is loneliness and they are to be one. Marriage was not just designed for man and woman that they could live in the Garden of Eden. Marriage was design that man and women could be fruit and multiply. It is up to the couple to decide what is need in their marriage under the laws that God has set before them. What is enjoyable for the two much be decided and communicated between them.
THE GIFT OF SEX 5 “Christians might emphasize that God designed sex to promote psychological intimacy”. When sexuality is understood in this holistic way, Christians have an opportunity to enrich the interchange with their own unique perspective” (Berecz, J. M., 2002, pg.3) “Sexual problems are Personality Problems. Most people searching for sexual satisfaction are not in need of anatomy lessons or “How-To” manuals.” What they lack is the courage or skill to establish and maintain intimacy. For Christians, sexuality is a search for Intimacy .”
(Berez, J.M., 2002 pg. 3) This statement is so true God didn’t design sex for man and woman to enjoy each. Sexuality was designed that we would know our partners in a way that would be pleasing to God. We cannot leave God out of the equation because He designed Sexuality for our benefit as well as His. We have to make sure that our thinking or ideas are lining of with the Word of God. We must sometimes rethink some of our ideas. And make sure that God has Blessed the situation. The Physical Dimension of this book is looking at our bodies, how we discover and share our bodies. How our bodies work and our bodies sexual response. Everyone looks at the bodies in a way that makes them wonder what are they missing. Through years their bodies have grown out of control or they were not given all the right parts that someone else may have received. “But sometimes we really miss the point. “Body image is the part of our self image that deals with our self image that deals with our attitudes about our bodies, especially our bodily appearances.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg. 36) Penner & Penner explains, “this in a good way, often time man and woman are not please with their bodies, because they are lacking in the Scriptural filament that is needed to look at things in a rationale way.” In order to love someone
THE GIFT OF SEX 6 else, we have to love ourselves first. “We have a hard time giving to or caring for someone else if we feel we are not worthy persons and do not have anything to give.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg 36) there is always more and more that we can give to someone else. There is a bright side to what the situation is, we just have to fine it. As the body develop there are some that increase inside and some that may not even increase, but there can be pleasure give, if each person come into agreement of what is needed. If the hope and desires are there, then there can be pleasure. Communication is everything. “Verbal Feedback is an important area that can be received through body image.”(Penner & Penner, pg. 37) “If the couple is relating what they expect from the partners, then there can be a healthy relationship.”(Penner & Penner, pg 37) When there is good healthy feedback communicated between spouses, then it is made known what each one is thinking about their bodies. It maybe that there is no complaints, what maybe issues in your mind may be pleasing to your spouse eyes. Penner & Penner explained it very well when they said, “that body image problems occur when there is a large gap between how we view our bodies and what we define as the ideal body.” When the way we would like to look is different from the way we think we do look, we will have difficulty accepting ourselves and will probably have difficulty being free without bodies sexually.”(Penner & Penner, pg. 37) All of this plays a big part on a marriage, if there is not good healthy feeling about our bodies, our marriage will surely suffer a great deal. But there are solutions on how we can solve our body image problems. There were assignments that Penner & Penner gave on how each individual can examine their bodies to see what is wrong and then what to do to improve on what is lacking. These assignments were very useful. They gave good informational exercise to help solve the problem that we may see in our bodies.
THE GIFT OF SEX 7 “These exercises were from standing in front of a full length mirror in the nude enhancing a realistic acceptance of your body in the sensory dimension, determining ways it is possible to change your body, losing or gaining weight, an exercises programs, posture correction, or other body enhancement processes, plastic surgery and revaluating what your measuring yourself against.”(Penner & Penner, 2003, pg 38) These exercises can help spouses see that there are ways to regain that positive look at their bodies, that they may be more pleased and help to move forward in sexuality with each other. Then we feel better about ourselves. There are limits to what we can do in our marriage. “But do men and women share body ideas?”(Penner & Penner, 2003) A number of studies have suggested a difference between the genders for the ideal body size and shape of a particular gender (for example men more curvaceous, heavier female body than women think they do) and eye-tracking studies have suggested significantly different patterns of movement in between the genders when accessing female attraction.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) “However, mate selection theory predicts that an individual will have a very precise and accurate idea of what the opposite sex finds attractive. Some mates selection theory predict that there will not be any difference between men and women in their ideas for both gender.”(Crossely, K.L. 2012) Some men or women know what they like in a mate and they tend to stick strictly with their feeling and never change. This is a good thing, when one knows what is wanted in your mate and stay with that idea. When looking at the issue, “If sex isn’t working” there were several problems. There was the problem “Why people have issues with sex, the different needs, the never being enough
THE GIFT OF SEX 8 time, what each spouse expects out of their partner, the fact if you still love your partner, Birth Control getting in the way, if the spouse was still interested, Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation, Frustration that women face, pain reduce pleasure, Pornography and the Internet.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) There are times when there will be anger, guilt and feelings that your spouse is not being pleasing. “Knowledge about one’s self and one’s partner is often lacking. Many, particular women, come to the marital situation quite unaware of their own sexual feelings, desires or needs. Every woman is different.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) But not only are all women different, all people are different. Some people may think that the only way to have good sex, is the old regular way (man on top and woman on bottom). But it is clear that variety is the “Spice of Life”. In the case of the new generation, they want to try all new ways of pleasing their spouses. Many women have the sexual desire that leads further than the “same old same old.” “It can be the same way for the man.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) The man may have found others ways that he really would like for his partner to please him, than just sex as usual. Men sometimes like to try new experiences. This is what helps keep some marriage a float. Men have desires and fantasies that they are willing to try in order to keep their selves interest as well as their partner. “A study on sexual behavior found that specific types of sexual behavior vary by age, educational level, occupational class, religious background, and in certain instances by the length of marriage and whether respondents had a rural or urban background. When, where, with whom, and how sex act is carried out are all culturally determined and are transmitted through an intricate process of socialization.”(Edwards, J. N & Booth, A. 1976) When understanding the bodies and how they work couples are capable pleasing their spouses. It usually takes a lot of
THE GIFT OF SEX 10 understanding what each other desires from the other. Changing the sexual self is important to a marriage. In a study performed by Elliot & Umbeson, “it was found that the respondents’ spontaneously described how they consciously worked to alter their own sexual feelings, attitudes and behaviors. They found that men and women are similar likely to make concerted effort to change their sexual feelings or behavior.”(Elliott & Umberson, 2008) Wives and husbands have to want to make a way of changing their sexual outlook. If they need to where sexy attire or shave unwanted hair, that may be dissatisfying to their spouse they should be willing to please. “Inducing desire into a marriage takes a lot willingness to make a marriage work. It takes initiative more often, and forming a willingness to hear what each others wants out of the sexual game. It does not work with the closing of the mind. But an open mind of desire and sensitivity.”(Elliott, Umberson, 2008) Everyone wants to be able to please their mate in what way they can ( at least I would think so). “But some feel that their takes a lot of emotional work to make that ultimate fantasies happens in the bedroom. People with an excessive need to please usually grow up having to work diligently for parental approval.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) But is it necessary to feel that way. We should have the mindset to please, because of love that one has for his or her spouse, and the desire for closeness. It takes an increase interest in wanting to please each other in the bedroom and out of the bedroom. It should be an understanding we will make time for each other to keep our love attractive. There should even be date night, when everything is put aside to case out the cares of the world and marriage and just enjoy the two of you. “Sexuality lies at core of human life, of what makes fully human- it is the key to our capacity to contribute positively and fully to the

THE GIFT OF SEX 11 societies and sexual rights concern everyone’s right to life and to good health.”( Cornwall, a. &
Jolly, 2006) When thinking about the Total Experience there are several factors to look at getting interested, having fun, who initiate first, meshing your world, pleasing each other, special treats that add pleasure, the affirmation time, and cleaning up. These are some interesting top that will wake you up to the question. Am I doing the right thing to keep my marriage going? Variety is known as the “Spice of Life”. Every marriage needs that extra little something that keeps the “Fires Burning.” Keeping our interest in our marriage it takes a lot of outside and inside stimuli. “For some people such stimulation includes listening to certain kinds of music, reading a sexual or intimate book, watching a romantic movie or television show, being in a setting that feels romantic or even seeing someone who may be a friend or a stranger.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) There must be valves shared between the two to keep things, moving. “There must be laughter and sometimes with no laughter marriages can not survive.”(Nantais, D. ,2009) People are hunger for ways to make their marriage succeed in a world like today when nothing is certain. In his book “Keep Home Fires Stoked”, Kevin Leman, writes “that marriage can be successful if each partner is willing to labor out of love for one another.”(Nantais, D., 2009) Enhancing the Sexual Experience lets us know that it is not a game that we are playing on basketball court, but chance to let each other know that we love and desire to be with you always. It is a chance to be sexual passion and intimacy.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) Put it into plainly “Sex is not about conquering, achieving or scoring “Sex is about relating.” (Penner &

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Penner, 2003). “Sexual responses are not the measure of your sexual powers or success”(Penner & Penner. “The measure of success is to come away from a time together with both partners feeling deeply loved, cherished, and repected.”(Penner & Penner, 2003) Penner & Penner talked “about sex being fun, but it’s a lot more when you work at it.” When spouses use their imagation and fine ways to make experiences fun, there are no limits to what they can do. For so many years couples have let their marriage fall to the wayside, because they have forgot to keep trying new things to keep each other interested. It is so very important that we find new ways to keep everything flowing with joy. It can start by just a Wednesday night dinner and lead to an every Wednesday night out dinner. If your spouse loves movies, it can be a date night at home away from everyone with some good popcorn and a sexy movie. This can leave to more and more. An OB-GYN, Essence sex advice columnist and the author of the book “What Your Mother Never Told You About S-E-X (Perigee). She believes that too often women forget that one of the easiest way to excite man is by showing him how much he’s exciting you.” “Let him know how much pleasure he is giving You”, says Hutcherson. “this is important and commonlu overlooked by women. And remember that when a man has emotional connection with a women, the sex is better and more fulfilling.” (Robert, T., 2004) To really think about the matter Penner & Penner has a excellent point in what they are relating to us in this section about Enhancing the sexual experience. We have to be more alive with what our marriage needs. “There is no time for the “what if! It is time for an awakening in

THE GIFT OF SEX 13 our bedrooms. When the two individual first married, the “sky was the limits”, but after they have been married for awhile things change. There must be a renewing of the relationship. our men or spouses in bed. We’d love to take the lead more often, but we feel timid, afraid or even ashamed once we get into the bedroom. We might even look at sex as a guilty pleasure. How do we break out of the intimacy rut that often leaves us playing follow the leader while he makes the first move?”(Hutchinson, Hida, M.D.) This was an excellent book that every married couple or anyone that is thinking about getting married should read. It is a eye opener for the reader think about everything that happens within the realm of Sexuality. If one every thinks that they may know all that it is to human sexuality, then this is a must read book.

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References
Berecz, J.M. (2002). Is There Such A Thing as “Christian” Sex? Pastoral Psychology, 50(3).
Cornwall, A. & Jolly, S., (2006). Introduction: Sexuality Matters. IDS Bullentin, 37(5). 1-11

Crossley, K. L., Cornelissen, P.L. & Toree, M. J., (2012) What is an Attractive Body? Using an Interactive 3D Program to Create the Ideal.

Edwards, J. N. & Booth, A., (1976). Sexual Behavior In and Out of Marriage: An Assessment of Correbates. Journal of Marriage & Family, 38(1)73-81.

Elliott, S. & Umberson, O. (2008). The Performance of Desire Gender and Sexual Negotiation In Long Term Marriage. Journal of Marriage & Family, 70(2), 391-406 doi:10.1111 /j.74-373. 2008. 00489x
The King James Version of Bible, Genesis 2:24.

Nantasis, D. (2009), Keep Home Fires Stoked, Publish Weekly, 256(16) 11.
Penner, Clifford, (2003), The Gift of Sex, by Clifford and Joyce Penner.

References: Berecz, J.M. (2002). Is There Such A Thing as “Christian” Sex? Pastoral Psychology, 50(3). Cornwall, A. & Jolly, S., (2006). Introduction: Sexuality Matters. IDS Bullentin, 37(5). 1-11 Crossley, K Edwards, J. N. & Booth, A., (1976). Sexual Behavior In and Out of Marriage: An Assessment of Correbates Elliott, S. & Umberson, O. (2008). The Performance of Desire Gender and Sexual Negotiation In Long Term Marriage /j.74-373. 2008. 00489x The King James Version of Bible, Genesis 2:24. Nantasis, D. (2009), Keep Home Fires Stoked, Publish Weekly, 256(16) 11. Penner, Clifford, (2003), The Gift of Sex, by Clifford and Joyce Penner.