Toxic Parents

I was asked to choose a book and write about it, and I chose to write about the book called Toxic Parent that was written by Susan Forward. I chose this book because the topic seemed interesting and the research I read on it made me want to read it even more, I did not regret it at all; it was a very interesting book that kept me interested in it until the end. This book basically talked about the stories of adults that were not able to live a normal life because their parents still had control over them one way or another, some even after their parents were dead. One of the stories that the author talked about was of a man named Eli that even when he was wealthy, he was afraid to spend money and even when he was a millionaire he was driving an old clunker because his dad always told him that it was not good to spend money, that he had to save all his money because he never knew when something could go wrong and he could lose all his money. His dad an immigrant believed this because he grew up very poor and never had much, but by insisting in this believe he managed to control his son and he did not let him enjoy his money, even after he was dead he was still controlling him from the grave. This poor man could not even trust anyone because he was always thinking that people wanted to get close to him just because of his money, and everyone was out to get him. This story reminded me of my dad because he also believes in saving and he only buys the minimum necessities, he was always this way, when we were growing up he never bought my bothers or me anything expensive and he did not believe in name brand shoes, he always made our mom buy us payless shoes, and he always insisted that the thrift store clothes were just as good as the one in the store, we basically shopped there until were old enough to work and buy our own clothes. Even today he still acts that way, even now that is only him and my mom, he would wear socks with hole in them for months because he says they are still good and will only buy new socks until my mom got tired of his old socks and threw them out, he would get mad and will talk about it for weeks. I always thought that he was just cheap, but after reading this book I realized that he was like that because of the way he was raised.
My dad grew up in a very poor family, my grandfather was an alcoholic and even when he never hit his kids, they were always broke because he would spend most of his money in alcohol, instead of on his kids, and he had a lot of them 12 to be exact. My grandma would always struggle to make ends meet. I remember my mom talking about my grandma (my dad’s mom) she used to say that she had never met a lady that was so cheap like grandma and would tell us stories about how cheap she was.
After reading this book, I believe I can understand my dad and my grandmother a little more, I still find it funny on how cheap my dad is but at least I now know that is not all his fault, but instead this is a believed that was passed on to him by his mom due to the circumstances they lived in, at least that is what the author of this book argues, and when you think about it makes perfect sense. I don’t know if my dad would ever change the way he is, but next time he acts cheap, which by the way is all time, I will think twice before I start talking about him and instead will try to understand where he is coming from, of course this will never make sense to my mom so I won’t even mention it to her.
Another interesting topic I read on this book was about being non defensive when confronting a toxic parent or a person that hurt you in any way, I am a very defensive person and a lot of times a simple conversation or joke will turn into a big argument because I always over react when I try to express my feelings towards a person that for whatever reason hurt me or made me mad, whether they said or did something wrong. I have tried to ignore the comment or action and pretend that it does not bother me, but with time I end up just busting out and over reacting over nothing, when I read the section on this book that talks about how you should confront your feelings and let people know how you feel in a non-defensive way, without over reacting in a calm way that lets that person know exactly how I feel without creating an argument or like the author calls it less reacting and more responsive, this is when you are thinking as well as feeling, but you don’t let you feelings over react and act impulsively, to keeps the conflict from escalating. This sounded very interesting and it caught my attention, I wondered if this could work for me, the author explained that this would not be easy because we are not taught to respond nondefensively, and the technique would not come easy, that this needed to be learned and practice.
After a couple of days I decided to give this technique a try, I had nothing to lose, and in a way I was tired of over reacting at any situation when someone gets me mad. I was surprise on how a simple thing can make such a big difference, I grew up with three brothers and no sisters, my whole life my brothers used to torment me and make fun of me for any little reason, and I would always end up arguing with them and over reacting, even as adults. My brothers always said that I used to do that because I was spoiled. The next time I was in my parents’ house and one of my brothers was there like always he started making fun of me, I remembered the technique and decided not to over react this time like I always did, instead I asked him why did he always did that to me, he asked what, I told him that his comments really hurt my feelings and I did not understand why he had to act that way all the time, he insisted he did I for old times’ sake, I responded ‘we are adults now , get over it and act like a grown up’, he walked away and mad . Any other time I would follow him and start a big argument with him, this time I just let him go without saying another word; he came back a few minutes later and apologize and said that if his comments bothered me so much he would stop, and asked me why I never said anything before. I can’t say that the situation with my brother is perfect, but I can say that I can handle it a little better, at least I don’t end up crying all the time like I use to, and I don’t try to avoid hem all the time any more.
I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite and say that this book was a miracle book and that it solved all my problems, but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot from it and I understand certain people a little better because I understand where they are coming from. I would definitely recommend his book; it was of great information and even if you were not abuse in any way as a child it contains a lot of good techniques that can help any one that has issues with their parents. The only section I did not like about this book was the sexual abuse section, it was disturbing, and I could not believe how someone would do that to their own child, other than that it was a great book.