Unspoken Dilemma

Unspoken Dilemma
Thales once said “The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.” Indeed, you might spend more than half of your lives looking for yourself in the mists of sadness, outlines of joy, or worse, in nowhere that not even you can comprehend what’s happening inside. But Aristotle said "Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom". Therefore it is an individual’s foundation, the start to fully obtain the essence of life. Knowing yourself is not by merely introducing in front of the class, but slowly—with yourself as your own guide—you will accomplish every aspect of it.
My life as a student doesn’t differ from anyone; loads of projects, rushed home works and hectic schedules. And at some point in my high school, I’ve had a distraught experience that has brought me to what I am now. I grew up in a province where I spent my childhood playing with my cousins and siblings under the sun, running around my grandparents’ backyard with the dogs and non-stop laughter with my kindergarten classmates. It was not long after my graduation in pre-school when my family decided to migrate in Saudi Arabia, my father’s workplace. It was difficult to say those good byes and “I will miss you” to everyone. Especially to my elder brother, for he has to continue his secondary school in the country.
The first months of our stay overseas were really bewildering for us. Coping up with the environment and people was definitely our worst struggle. I got transferred twice from one school to another before my parents enrolled me in an international Filipino school. There, I met my new circle of friends which I know will be with me for the rest of my stay.
Six years was short to leave home again. After I finished elementary, I pursued my studies here in the Philippines. I knew it was going to be another exciting adventure.
Living without my parents beside me was a bit crucial for the first year of my high school. I was enrolled in my elder brother’s alma mater, where he made a big name. I remember during his time, lots of streamer around the town was hanged with his name on it as a winner of a contest. During my first day in school, all of my teachers asked me if how I am related to him. I got praises when they knew I am his sister. From there, I started to feel pressure. I know they will be expecting a lot from me because they know my brother as an outgoing and bright student. Well for me, I was shy and quiet back then. My teachers, even my parents, would always encourage me to join contests and clubs that my brother had attended, it was the most challenging stage in my life. People around would always compare me to my brother. They wanted me to be like him. It was really tough because I know deep inside myself that I am completely different to my brother. Despite that, I still manage to give them hopes that I will reach what my brother has achieved.
Until one day, I was devastated when I saw my report card. I was worried that my parents would scold me for having such low grades. I had thoughts of killing myself because I felt so useless that time. I embarrassed myself, and disappointed my brother and everyone else.
Weeks with shadows of depression lived in me. My mind was full of incoherent thoughts that kept me awake every night. I have never told anyone about what I was going through, God is the only one who knows I was in big dilemma.
Now that I’m old enough to stand on my own and old enough to understand things, I realized that I have to be myself and only be me. I don’t have to get affected by what others will say or dictate. I know who I am now, what I want to be and why I am living life. Just like a carbon, that have undergone great pressure transformed into something it can shine—a diamond. Someday, better things will come to me. As long as I believe in my capabilities and live with my own will.