Waking Up Monologue

Today I woke up and felt like dying, nothing serious or anything I was just so tired and I didn't want to be troubled with the idea of waking up again and again to a pointless life.
Sometimes I just want to be done with everything, all the hardship, the pain but at other times I can’t wait for whats coming next - scared of whats coming next. That’s the weird thing about me, I don't care but at the same time I care too much, I hate people smoking but I do it myself, I’m what you'd call a hypocrite at its finest sense.
I sit in bed all day hoping that a wave of motivation will circum me and I’ll finally get up and enter the world of normal, working human beings. I’ve basically memorised everything in my room from the blue bar stools next to my bed, the tinted orange lamps hanging from the ceiling and even the scent of my lavender candle that I light every night religiously.
Night after night I drift off into a deep unconscious dream, where for once it’s peaceful and I can exist without the pressures of everyday things, going to sleep is my favourite time of day and waking up is my most dreaded.
My dreams always end the same way, I’ll be in a vase meadow filled with daisies on one side and beautiful exuberant orange tiger lilies on the other. No one else is ever around me as I'm adding more art to the gallery that is my skin, when in the distance across the normally scruffy horizon comes a burst of different blues and purples until I can clearly see a figure that looks like the very light of day is pouring out through their