Why Dont We Listen Better

LIBERTY UNIVERSITY
LIBERTY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY ONLINE

PRACTICAL BOOK REVIEW
WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?
Communicating & Connecting in Relationships

AN ASSIGNMENT SUBMITTED
IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT
OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE COURSE
INTRODUCTION TO PASTORAL COUNSELING PACO 500

In this book review of James C. Petersen’s Book, “Why don’t we listen Better?”, I will start with a thorough summary, followed by my personal reflections and “Ah Ha” moments and follow up with how this book can and will be applied to my life and work. My attempt will be to give credit where it is due as well as challenge certain areas that I may not completely agree with. In doing this I do not intend to patronize the other or any other source, but instead to simply offer up additional areas in which we can all think through.
Summation
James Petersen very simply uses “five major divisions” (Petersen 2007, 8) to assist us in learning how to communicate better. A very big focus in doing this is to encourage listening skills in all parties. The first is his concept of “the flat-brain theory of emotions” (Petersen, 10) in which he talks about the emotions associated with the stomach, the heart and the head and how they are to work together to change our behavior. “One simple theory of behavior suggests that we humans move from a state of bother to a state of calm….We get curious(bothered), we jump on the internet…(behavior), we get the info, and we relax (calm).”(15). This is when all three are working correctly and communicating well. Petersen discusses why these do not always work correctly in the world stage. In this same section he discusses communication as two levels. “Level one communication gives and receives information and discusses points of view.”(18). “Level two goes deeper than words. It moves us toward more satisfying relationships.”(19). He also brings up two ideas, “the flat-brain syndrome”(23) and the “flat-brain tango”(33). The flat-brain syndrome is a breakdown of how our emotions affect us when things go weird. He uses terms such as “Stomach overload”(23) , “hearts turn bricklike”(25) and “brains go flat”. The second idea is the flat-brain tango which simply put is the interaction of two or more with the flat brain syndrome. Petersen does a great job using descriptions and examples as well as visuals in order for us to see how each situation could play out. Lastly he gives us the option of “Opting out of the flat-brain tango“(38). The question he asks is, “can we stop and de-escalate the situation? Yes, but it means giving up what we get out of it.” (38). The second major division is to explain in great detail the use of his own “talker-listener card”. Petersen developed a card that is folded in half. On one side it says “Talker”, and on the other side it says “Listener”. The idea is to place the card between each other and the hope is it will “help track whose turn it is to talk and whose to listen…It sets guidelines to aid participants with their roles and makes it easier to focus on one person at a time.”(51). Once again Petersen goes into great detail about how the tool should be used properly and what some expected results might be. The idea once again is to attempt to open positive communication on a non threatening manor almost like a “game“(51). The third section of the book is Listening techniques. Petersen starting off with a number of “Communication traps”(115) then continues with a great number of techniques for us to try. The idea is for us to practice these with the intent on figuring out which of these techniques work for us and which do not. The idea would be to focus on those that do work and not the others. The last two sections continue the idea of using the Talker-Listener Card in groups and a short wrapping up of Petersen’s concepts. He does a thorough job describing all his ideas and making this not simply a book to read, but a tool to reference regularly.
Reflection
Reflecting upon this book I recognize a need that is so strong, for people to stop talking, stop being so self-centered and to begin to truly listen to one another. Not only do we need to listen, but really hear each other. I can think of dozens of situations in which I needed to stop and simply listen. Recently I can think of a situation on my church where a staff member either heard rumors or made up rumors against me. She was worried I was attempting to steal her job. In reality she was struggling at her job, in my opinion, due to substantial dramas that had not been fully dealt with. At first I saw myself taking these things extremely personal and made it a point to discuss with her my innocence. In the initial couple of discussion she made it sound like she was sorry for the rumors and anger she was holding to. I assumed it was over and began to move on. I quickly realized she did not listen to what I said and certainly did not believe what I said. I also realize now that I was not listening to her concerns and instead we were caught into the “Flat-Brained Tango.” It took months of trying to convince her that I was innocent and still had no such luck. My final attempt was a letter I had written. In the letter I had explained how hurt I was through this process, not only by what she had said, but the fact that this had created a rift between us and our work for God. I asked for a meeting away form the church and she was willing. During that meeting we both spent a lot of time listening. For much of the time there was silence as we tried to hear where each other was coming from. During which we opted out of the tango. Both of us lost a little here and there, but when we both stopped talking to aggressively we were able to listen to each others hearts much easier.
Investigation
As I was reflecting on this book I couldn’t help remember what James, a servant of God and of Jesus stated, “My dear brother, take note of this: Every one should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for mans anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” (James 1:19-20). When we are so caught up in our own thoughts and inward focus we loose sight of those around us, therefore causing us to become angry when we don’t get heard and that in turn causes us to fall away from Gods righteousness. I guess the biggest thing that bothers me about this book is the simple fact that there is no focus on God. Yes we are given a better focus on communication between ourselves, but with out a focus on God we can still become self absorbed and continue to fall into these flat-brained traps. Real change comes from God, not ourselves. That aside it also seems to be problem focused instead of solution focused. Although I do not see it as an over arching approach, but a tool that could be used in an assessment. “Much of what persons become is shaped by their thoughts and their choices.” (Hawkins pastoral assessment model, slide 4). Getting a deeper assessment of the individuals thoughts, feelings, emotions and background is often hard. Using a tool such as the TLC could help that communication occur easier and in a non-threatening environment. (1242)
Application
After looking over my DISC profile, I recognize areas in which I have already put these ideas into practice. Looking back I recognize that I am more of a listener then a talker. According to my DISC profile my strongest gift is “Mercy” followed by “Serving/Helping” and “Teaching”. I believe all three of these require a great deal of listening. The teaching gift is one that has not come easily and has taken many years to grow into. My behavioral blend is C/D/S or really S/D/C putting the emphasis on the S as my strongest. Basically what that means is that I am a very caring individual, but often times people to not recognize me that way, but instead look at me as insensitive needing to be more friendly and less critical. Maybe using the TLC I would be able to express my heart better then speaking off the cuff. I often have the ability and willingness to listen, but when I speak I may not completely understand what they were trying to express, which creates the problem of sounding critical or off base in my advice. I recognize my need to be more bold and outspoken in the proper times and to make greater attempts to care for others where they are.

References
Petersen, James C. 2007. Why don’t we listen better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Tigard, OR. Petersen Publications.

Holy Bible: New International Version. 1984. Grand Rapids, MI. Zondervan.

References: Petersen, James C. 2007. Why don’t we listen better?: Communicating & Connecting in Relationships. Tigard, OR. Petersen Publications. Holy Bible: New International Version. 1984. Grand Rapids, MI. Zondervan.