Why I Want a Husband Satire

Why I Want a Husband:

One night I had a bizarre dream. In this dream, I woke up next to a husband. So that same morning when I woke up, I was surprised to find myself disappointed by the sight of my wife. Ever since that dream, I asked myself, “What a husband would be good for?” I want a husband who can make all the tough decisions for the household. These decisions mustn’t be for his benefit. To the contrary, he is to always place my needs and my child’s desires above his own. My husband must control his own sinful nature and attraction to other women. If he doesn’t, he knows who will be waiting at home with a rifle ready to shoot him. When he says the occasional stunning Brazilian model, he mustn’t even glance at her. When the time for a major decision comes, he is the one who stands responsible before God and before society for making it. He alone will be held accountable for the consequences of his choices. I want a husband who is willing to sacrifice his physical life to save me and my kids. Part of this also includes making sure I am properly cared for if he dies before I do. I want a husband who will take time to understand me and provide for my every wish. He must be willing to quit his job or take time out of his social life in order to please me. I want a husband who praises me. I want a husband who knows what I am worth. He should take every opportunity to build my self-esteem and encourage me. He should be my biggest promoter, my biggest well-wisher, and my biggest fan. When I get a promotion, he has to be proud of me even if it puts his manliness in jeopardy. I want a husband who can sacrifice anything for my children. He must have the will to put the beer down when the kids ask him to read them a bedtime story. I want a husband who will teach my son how to kick a soccer ball. I want a husband who will teach my daughter how to stand up to the school bully. If by some chance my daughter does get beat up