Coping Mechanism Against Defence Mechanisms
SHIFTING FROM DEFENSE MECHANISMS TO COPING SKILLS
CAROL KURTZ WALSH
“Dysfunctional defense mechanisms allow us to avoid reality, while functional coping skills help us deal with reality.”
1
Four year old Ashley was awakened by her mother, so Ashley could get up and dressed for pre-school. Upon hearing her mother’s voice, Ashley hid under the covers and said, “Ashley’s not home right now. Please leave a message after the beep. Be-e-e-e-p!” What a creative, humorous, defensive move on Ashley’s part. Of course she went to pre-school, yet she felt safe enough express her resistance. Not all situations are this functional. Most families have some degree of dysfunction and in response the children develop some defense mechanisms to counter realities that feel uncomfortable or threatening. If we grew up with any dysfunction, (i.e. an emotionally shaming mother, or a workaholic father) we found ways to help us cope. The situation becomes even more serious when the family-of-origin is severely dysfunctional, i.e. by being neglectful, or physically, emotionally or sexually abusive. The defense mechanisms that are then employed become a matter of emotional (and sometimes physical) survival. As children we were dependent and defenseless, so when hurtful things happened, our anxiety became overwhelming. In response we created techniques to help us emotionally avoid our childhood reality, i.e. by allowing us to disassociate from reality, or by believing we had some control. The more unpredictable or hurtful things were, the more we employed these defenses to help us deal with what was unacceptable and frightening. The degree to which we developed these skills determined how emotionally or physically safe we felt. (I encourage you to read a powerful and incredibly well-written memoir, The Glass Castle: a Memoir by Jeannette Walls, which illustrates some great examples of childhood defenses.) A child is totally dependent on their parents for survival, but clearly this is
CAROL KURTZ WALSH
“Dysfunctional defense mechanisms allow us to avoid reality, while functional coping skills help us deal with reality.”
1
Four year old Ashley was awakened by her mother, so Ashley could get up and dressed for pre-school. Upon hearing her mother’s voice, Ashley hid under the covers and said, “Ashley’s not home right now. Please leave a message after the beep. Be-e-e-e-p!” What a creative, humorous, defensive move on Ashley’s part. Of course she went to pre-school, yet she felt safe enough express her resistance. Not all situations are this functional. Most families have some degree of dysfunction and in response the children develop some defense mechanisms to counter realities that feel uncomfortable or threatening. If we grew up with any dysfunction, (i.e. an emotionally shaming mother, or a workaholic father) we found ways to help us cope. The situation becomes even more serious when the family-of-origin is severely dysfunctional, i.e. by being neglectful, or physically, emotionally or sexually abusive. The defense mechanisms that are then employed become a matter of emotional (and sometimes physical) survival. As children we were dependent and defenseless, so when hurtful things happened, our anxiety became overwhelming. In response we created techniques to help us emotionally avoid our childhood reality, i.e. by allowing us to disassociate from reality, or by believing we had some control. The more unpredictable or hurtful things were, the more we employed these defenses to help us deal with what was unacceptable and frightening. The degree to which we developed these skills determined how emotionally or physically safe we felt. (I encourage you to read a powerful and incredibly well-written memoir, The Glass Castle: a Memoir by Jeannette Walls, which illustrates some great examples of childhood defenses.) A child is totally dependent on their parents for survival, but clearly this is