Counseling for Children paper

The Effects of Divorce on Children
Jermaine King
Christian Counseling for Children
CCOU-302-B04
Liberty University

Abstract
One of two marriages ends in divorce. This fact impacts the loves of many children because the effect of divorce is not limited to the adults. Divorce deeply effects everyone involved especially the children. Research provides evidence of the negative impact on children and how it effects the differently according to the age. It is important that the adults involved be aware of the consequences their divorce will have on the life of their children and take responsibility of setting guidelines for themselves to help their child through this difficult time. Based on careful studies, it is shown that children of divorced parents can function and love normal lives. With a good support system and parents who are willing to move past divorce, children can learn to cope with divorce and move on themselves.

Introduction Being a parent can be a demanding job; especially if you are parenting more than one child. This demand grows as the child grows. Children are involved in different activities and also trying to keep up with friends and the technology of today’s world; parenting can be time consuming and expensive. Also, when parents set boundaries for their children, they must be consistent with them. These areas are demanding enough in a two parent home, and twice as hard for a single-parent. In theory, children’s overall well-being will improve if they are raised by married parents. The parents must be happily married for this statement to hold true. When the parents are happily married, they tend to work well together in raising the child. They provide the best environment for the growth of their children and partner with disciplining the children and setting boundaries. Unfortunately, divorce is becoming a common trend in today’s society. Divorce is not only a stressful event for the adults involved, but more so, the children that are involved. “Many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is in trouble; therefore the pain children experience at the beginning of the divorce can be great” (Eleoff, 2003). Divorce automatically comes across as an act that is negative. The falling apart of something like an intimate relationship or partnership speaks negatively and possible add some embarrassment. When divorce happens, sometimes the party who is forgotten or overlooked is children. Just as parents are stressed, afraid, and uncertain about what will happen, children are the more. The sense of security has been threatened by divorce. This can cause significant emotional stress for children of all ages. All couples experience some kind of conflict within their marriage, conflicts that can arise from various reasons. Couples disagree about the finances of the household, about intimacy about how to raise their children etc. For some couples, they can work through the conflict and manage to stay together, while others reach the point of no return. The only alternative for a couple such as this is to end their marriage by filing for a divorce, the legal end of marriage. For couples who seek a divorce, it is often because they cannot overcome certain problems in their marriage. Research shows that the divorce rate has drastically increased over the past fifty years, and for the United States it is much higher than other countries in the world. It is believed that divorce is accepted more now by society than before. This makes it easier for couples to get divorced today because it is not frowned upon like it once was. Whenever couples have martial conflict that leads to divorce, it can be a very stressful time in their lives. However adults are not the only ones involved. In most cases, divorce catches the children off guard. It is unexpected, sudden, and scary. The fear and uncertainty presented to the child within a divorce lead to various emotions for children; grief, loss, helplessness, anger and loneliness etc. Support systems for children may be needed to aid with not only the adults, but also for the child. Reactions to divorce and how it affects the entire schematic of a stable family varies from child to child and from age to age:
Pre-School (ages 3-5):

Lesley Foulkes-Jamison, Ph.D (2001) stated, “That a preschooler’s reaction to and ability to understand their parents’ divorce will be very different from that of an adolescent. Children at this age have fewer coping skills, and find divorce very difficult. Children at this sensitive stage in their lives, often blame themselves for their parents not being together. According to Sara Eleoff (2003), leads the preschooler to exhibit a regression of the most recent developmental milestone they achieved. Ruben Francis agrees with this regression may include bed wetting, sleep disturbances and may become aggressive towards one of the parents as blaming them for the separation. Preschoolers have limited cognitive abilities, so they are often confused by divorcing parents. Not knowing what exactly will happen now and not having the same amount of contact with one parent, can leave the child baffled and frightened. To help the preschooler through this, Francis encourages parents to repeatedly tell children that they are not responsible for the divorce. Children need to know that the break up was not their fault. Children are often frightened and confused, so reassuring them that though things are different, everything will be alright. Knowing the routines are important and they should be maintained no matter what home the child is in. Support the child’s relationship with the non-custodial parent, and encourage that parent to stay involved in the child’s life. Over time the child’s view of divorce will change; due to cognitive maturity and evolving relationships with their parents.
Latency Stage (6-11):

The latency stage can be the most difficult age groups when it comes to divorce. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time comprehending the permanence of divorce. According to Kirby and Dean (2002), this age group tends to have fantasies that their parents will reconcile and renew their marriage. They are more likely to express their anger and disapproval about the divorce and will often take sides, normally siding with the custodial parent, and show their displeasure towards the non-custodial parent. Sara Eleoff (2003), states, “There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent even if it is at the expense of their own needs.” This behavior, however, is more evident in boys. While girls become anxious and withdrawn, boys tend to become aggressive and disobedient. Hetherington reports that consulting with a therapist for the primary caretaker could be helpful at the period of greatest turmoil. School officials can also play a key role. Children need to feel connected to adults who care a teacher, coach, nurse, and a counselor can provide some much needed support. The divorcing parents should notify any adult whom the child will be associated with, about the pending divorce. They need to be aware of any changing behaviors and help to provide support to the child that will help them deal with the divorce.
Adolescent Stage (12-18): Wallerstein (2000) discovered that for many adolescents (teens), feel that because of their parents divorcing; they are forced into a grown-up role sooner. Instead of being able to move forward independently; adolescents perceive parents as having separated from them. This can result in lack of effective discipline, parental support in decision making, and worries about their own relationships. Adolescents can also experience loss and anger. This age group will show withdrawal symptoms from home and begin clinging to friends. This group can also be judgmental towards their parents, focusing on the moral issues surrounding divorce.
Research also shows a few unique issues for the adolescent age. More girls from divorced families develop the capacity to reproduce sooner in order to ensure continuation of the species. The girls show that they are affected by divorce and are at a greater risk for early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Some feel that they have some type of void to fill because of an absent parent, or some way to seek attention or feel wanted.
Also for teenagers, school is especially important during these years, because of the need to belong, and the need to experience success. Furthermore, the connections to at least one adult, not necessarily a biological family member could be essential. Despite many adjustment difficulties, Maccoby and Mnookin (1992) found that adolescents also show some positive changes such as an impressive development of maturity and moral growth, more realistic understanding of finances, and a chance to experience new family roles and responsibilities. In the adolescent stage, they seemed to be less effected by the parents divorcing. Their minds are more mature than the pre-school stage and the latency stage. As with children, divorce is a period of transition for parents. Mothers who become the sole, primary caregiver are often overstressed and may have periods where they appear to be angry, depressed and tired. The child’s role may change entirely; the child may have more responsibility thrust upon them. This can lead to the child becoming a crutch for the parent. At this point, the parent’s need supersedes the child’s need, a reversal of pre-divorce roles. Data shows that in spite of adjustment to post-divorce lifestyles, children of divorced families have behaviors and life views that affect the emotional and psychological views and expectations of intimate relationships throughout their lives. Marriage expectations and longevity may be limited and negative along with other anxieties and fears. The effects of divorce on the psychological and emotional development of children directly affects, even the well-adjusted, emotionally adept individual. Parents must consider the long-term effect of the child and not over-do anything with their children and not use them as their support only. The major goal for the parent is to provide what all parent seek, well adjusted, safe, self-disciplined and confident children regardless of the home martial situation.
“When one parent is physically absent or emotionally unavailable, the other parent often worries that their child will grow up scarred from lack of attention” (Clinton & Sibcy, p. 40). Parents often overcompensate and give the child too much attention or become overprotective and this is what actually leaves the child scarred. Children are also used in power struggles by battling parents. “Many of these parents, looking for ways to “get back” at their exes will try to bond with their kids” (Clinton, p. 41). Parents begin to become more this child’s friend than their parent. Taking them wherever they want, and buying them everything is an effort to win them over, so to say. They even try to turn the child against the other parent. “A man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart” (Proverbs 21:2). The intentions of that parent are not in the child’s best interest. Those parents do not look at the long term effect of what will happen in the future. We are not parenting our children for the present, but rather for adulthood. Overindulging in a child, clouds the outlook of what is real in the world and keeps them from being reasonable, responsible adults. Actually, this behavior from the parent spoils the child. The child does need love and support during this difficult time, however, there must be a balance and giving the child too much is not the solution.
From the married individual’s point of view, divorce may be viewed not only negatively, but to some it may be viewed as a symbol of independence and new beginnings. Based upon the perspective a divorced parent, who has also experienced childhood divorce, this perspective may vary. The views may also vary dependent upon the martial role. The parent who initiates divorce in the marriage may have a positive, energetic approach to divorce. Non-initiators of divorce may have a totally different view of divorce. Helpless, loneliness, fear, and scrutiny may present themselves as psychological barriers of parents and children as well. Such objectivity is indeed a factor that surrounds many martial decisions. Views in the lasting lifelong effects on the psychological aspects of childhood vary from married and divorced perspectives. However, a most important perspective has yet to be sufficiently analyzed; that of children. Parents, whether married or divorced, need structure. “Children will mature to the level the parent structures them and no higher” (Cloud & Townsend, 1998). The home is where they form their concepts of reality, love, responsibility, choices and freedom.
The difference between children who are raised in what is considered an “intact” family, from the children of a divorced family begins with the fact that more often the children from a divorced family loses contact or a relationship with one of their parents, which one of their parents, which includes a loss of everything that comes with that parent. The child suffers the loss of resources, knowledge and skill that came from that parent. The child from a divorced family experiences a change in their living situation as well. They have to adjust to different cities, neighborhoods, schools, etc. This creates more stress on the child and can affect then long-term if they do not adjust properly. Some children from divorced families also are put in a position where they are living with an extended family. Relationships with step-family members can be uncomfortable and not as assuring as living with both parents. However, how the children adjust is related to the skill of the parents in helping them. “The competence of parents following a divorce is likely to have considerable influence on how the children are doing” (www.covingtoncounselor.com). One area the parents can assist in is keeping down conflict. This should take place before the divorce, and after the divorce. Evidence shows that children begin to develop difficulties before the divorce. In fact, children can actually fare netter in a single parent home that is without conflict, than they do in a two-parent home that has conflict. Children whose families learn how to cooperate do better and the difficulties are greatly reduced. There is increasing evidence that shows how fathers who are not living in the same house with their child, that the child fares better if there is frequent contact with minimal conflict. The quality of the father-child relationship is better. However, the child’s adjustment is poorer if there is conflict with the visits. “Children can benefit from the continued relationships with nonresidential parents” (www.covingtoncounselor.com). Whether it is a single parent home or a home with both parents, “the first and most fundamental mental picture children have of the way the universe operates is at home” (Cloud, 1998, p.4).
The worst scenario that can take place is for a child to be involved in the martial conflict; when a child is exposed to parents arguing and confrontations. It is this unhealthy environment that leads to emotional problems that occur in their lives as they enter adulthood. This puts added stress on the child during a time that is already stressful. Children can also feel guilty and helpless. Somehow they blame themselves which can lead to depression. Depressed children lose interest in school and other activities. Another result of being involved in martial conflict in the home is increased aggressiveness and delinquent behavior. If the husband and wife are experiencing martial problems, they should consider the children are going to be impacted in some way. This does not always have to result in a negative way. If the adults involved take the appropriate steps this event can go over smoothly. The custody of the children comes into place during divorce. The parents must make arrangements for support and living. If the divorce is unpleasant, and the parents are not speaking to one another or if there is conflict between the two, they sometimes use the children to get back at each other. This is also an area where adults sometimes forget what they are doing to their children emotionally.
When assessing the different effects a divorce has on children, we should consider the fact that every child is different and their reactions will differ. The parent should monitor their children during this time and be willing to make adjustments to assist them in dealing with what they are going through. Parents should not get into a competition with each other for their child’s loyalty and love, but rather share it. The child should not have to hear negative talk about one parent from the other parent. This actually helps the child feel loved and not rejected.
The parents should ask themselves, what huts and what helps? It is important that after a divorce, moving on must take place. In order for children to move in and get back to a sense of normality, parents must move on first. If there is continuous feuding between parents, the children will feel as if they are stuck in a never ending drama. They develop the wrong view of relationships and will have relational problems in their lives. Parents who learn how to get past the grief of their divorce actually are helping their children get passed divorce as well.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is apparent, based on research that divorce has a huge impact on the children who are involved. Depending on the child’s age the reaction will vary, but there will be a reaction. It is up to the parent and how the parent handles the divorce that will have significant ramifications on their children’s lives. If parents fail to consider the child and fail to communicate with the child, they can ruin the child. By investing time and effort, parents can give their children the best possible future. There is life after divorce. Despite the negative nature of divorce and the adjusting to life apart from one parent or the other, children show some positive development and moral growth. With new responsibilities and different roles within the family, some productively use divorce as an important learning experience. Positive family relationships can help alleviate the pain of divorce in the lives of children.

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