Deborah Tolman Dilemmas Of Desire

Women are distinguished as the “second sex” and the passiveness that surrounds it is astonishing as women unconsciously permit themselves to be downgraded to mere objects. A famous philosopher, Simone de Beauvoir once said “It is perfectly natural for the future woman to feel indignant at the limitations posed to her by her sex. The real question is not why she should reject them: the problem is rather to understand why she accepts them.” Our patriarchal society is made to devise women to be seen but, not to be heard, to acknowledge their beauty and delicacy but, to discredit their intelligence and potential. In the light of emotionlessness behavior that women exert, psychologist Deborah Tolman had a lot to say about why women act this way. In Deborah Tolman’s publication Dilemmas of Desire, she includes themes that discuss women in society as passive individuals. Women are seen as passive in regards to their sexual desires, body image, and family relations.
According to Dr.
Tolman and Dr. Fine women are not allowed to explore and experiment with their sexual desires because of their fear of having an unwanted pregnancy, contract an STD and to be labeled as easy and prude. Dr. Tolman proclaims that within society women are the sexual desires of boys and have no desires of their own, they are pressured to keep this pure and clean image to avoid society’s and male’s judgmental gazes. Women fear that if they express their sexual desires, they can become potential rape/sexual assault victims. In her book Dilemmas of Desire, Dr. Tolman tackles the lack of representation women have when it comes to sex and their desires. Dr. Tolman addresses the issue that our society gives women two options, either to make“a choice between their sexual feelings and their safety” (p. 44), therefore making it difficult for women to recognize and enjoy their sexual
desires. A woman's body is their temple, yet we allow society and men to disrespect it. Body image plays an important role when it comes to our sexual desires because women are constantly objectified. A women’s desirability is often equated with their physical attractiveness. When we look at magazines, TV, billboards, we have these beautiful models that represent the bodies and faces that women must have in order to be accepted, what they need to look like to be considered beautiful. The way women see their bodies can play a major part when it comes to sex and their desires. For example, if a woman holds a negative perception of her body she is vulnerable to male predators. Why vulnerable may you ask? Well, women who are unable to love themselves including their bodies rely on other people, in this situation men, for assurance and acceptance. All it takes is a man to come and make her feel beautiful, gets what he wants (sex) and then he leaves. What’s left is a distraught woman who believes that she wasn’t good enough to make him stay and her self-esteem experiences a drastic drop