Divorce

Learn the Facts About Divorce

Over the years views on divorce have changed. During the 1950’s to the 1970’s divorce was only fault based. This meant that you could only divorce if one spouse could prove that the other spouse committed a marital offense. After the 1970’s to present day divorce has become to be something that is commonly accepted. Legislation was changed and the no-fault divorce was announced. In the earlier times when divorce was not as common children from a “broken home” were considered as outcasts. There was strong belief that these kids were at risk for school failure, delinquency, and psychological disorders. Nowadays divorce is seen more often and viewed in a more positive light, thus viewing children of divorce differently (Jolivet, 2011). Although divorce is seen more often how do young children, teenagers or adult children react to parents divorcing? Coming from a divorced household many things can run through a child of any ages mind. The biggest thing that a young child thinks about is it’s their fault and the biggest thing a teenage child may think is it is one parent or the other parents’ fault. Young children blame the divorce on themselves and think, “ ‘If we didn’t make so much noise. If we didn’t need shoes…’ ” This leads children to believe that since it’s their “fault” their parents are divorcing their parents are doing it in a way of punishment. As parents, make sure to assure the children so that they understand that they are not to blame (Phil, Children’s). But for the majority of teenagers they generally know that they are not to blame for the divorce of their parents. In some cases young children see divorce as the enemy where on the other hand teenagers may hold their parents 100% accountable. The most important thing to know is no one person is at fault for the divorce, there are many reasons that it has occurred (Neuman, 1998).
As a young child, a teenager or even as an adult child they really just want to see their parents together. When a divorce occurs the child always wishes that their parents stay together or are always wishing for them to get back together. When the wishing and hoping is occurring don’t feel that it is out of the ordinary, but know that it is extremely normal for children, especially teenagers, to want their parents together. The reason being everyone just wants what is known as a “perfect” family. It is also critical to know that the other parent will not be out of their life for good due to the divorce, unless there are orders by the court that state otherwise (Neuman, 1998). The courts decide custody, but it is better to work something out before getting the courts involved. (McGraw, Divorce). Teenagers and young adults are used to seeing and having their parents together so when a divorce occurs at a later stage in life it is okay to feel upset. One negative aspect that the child may encounter while wishing that their parents were back together is that the parents are not trying hard enough to keep the family unity. An important factor for children of divorced households to know is that divorce does not just happen there are reasons it happens and it isn’t done to hurt anyone, it’s primarily done to avoid future problems (Neuman, 1998). There are positive sides to “seeing parents divorced or growing up without mom and dad living together,” and it is that it “makes our whole view of life different” (Jolivet, 2011). Sometimes kids from divorced households become more independent and strong: emotionally, physically and mentally (Jolivet, 2011).
When going through a divorce the need for structure of the family is still crucial. It is necessary that the same ground rules are still coherent because they need to know that the “world keeps spinning around..” (McGraw, Children’s). Children will often check and test for structure and they are going to need the structure now more than ever because “this is when things seem to be falling apart for them” (McGraw, Children’s). For teenagers whose parents go through divorce they tend to try and choose sides but they also try to control and run the family (Neuman, 1998). If this is occurring the need for structure, again, is crucial. If there is no structure with the parent it often leads to what is called the impaired parent. The definition of an impaired parent is the “inability of the primary caregiver to create, maintain, or regain an environment that promotes the optimum growth and development of the child” (Farlex, 2003). An impaired parent does not always “understand that love is an emotion not a skill” (Jolivet, 2011). An impaired parent has trouble saying no because they often feel guilty for doing exactly what a parent is supposed to do. It is important that parents know that they are the authority figure and if children have the potential to get their own way it will lead to “intrinsic chaos in early childhood and adolescence and fills the parent with guilt and insecurity” (Jolivet, 2011).
Another problem that may occur due to divorce is parental alienation syndrome (PAS). PAS is the “creation of one relationship between a child and one parent, to the exclusion of the other parent” (Jolivet, 2011). To determine if parental alienation is occurring a distinctive characteristic is the child does not wish to have any contact with the target parent. The target parent is the parent being excluded. There are four forms of PAS and they are mild, moderate, overt, and severe. Mild alienation is said to “occur when a child feels significant discomfort at transition” (Jolivet, 2011). An example of mild alienation is lack of encouragement of communication or visits with the target parent. Moderate alienation is when a child feels like they have to have separate worlds and identities while spending time with each parent. An example of this type of alienation would be refusal to speak directly to the target parent. The next type of alienation is overt alienation. Overt alienation appears when a child has no interest of the target and only has positive feelings towards the alienating parent. An example of this would be if the alienating parent states false or delusional statements about the target parent and sometimes having the child keep secrets from the target parent. The last type is severe alienation and this is present when the alienating parent will do whatever it takes to keep the child away from the target parent. When severe alienation occurs the child will take on the alienating parents desires, emotions, and hatred toward the target parent. With severe alienation the child can no longer remember and positive feelings that they ever had regarding the target parent. The best way to prevent PAS is through the education of those working closely with the parents, such as attorneys’ and judges.
The effects of divorce vary from child to child, teenager-to-teenager and young adult to young adult due to the nature of how the divorce happened. It has been stated that one of the most stressful life events for a teenager to go through is a parent divorce or separation. The only thing that is considered to be more stressful is losing a loved one (Neuman 1998). Researchers have shown that the majority of children who are products of divorce do not have long term effects and will usually fall within the average range of psychological and social adjustment following the divorce of their parents. This does not prove that there are not short-term effects that young children, teenagers or young adults may encounter resulting from divorce. However, the way the divorce is handled could potentially put children, teenagers or adults at risk for the long term effects. The number one risk factor of divorce that will lead to long term effects is the level and intensity of parental conflict prior, during, and after the divorce. The effects of high-conflict divorce on children have approximately double the rate of behavioral and emotional adjustments. The effects from divorce may very from male to female. The effect of divorce on males tended to be more immediate and dramatic. Studies found that boys are to be more aggressive, disruptive and have acting-out behaviors. On the other hand, girls showed the effects less immediately and over time. The girls climaxed in negative behaviors in the adolescent years. The potential effects for young adults who are the products of divorce are relationship problems. It has been demonstrated through a study that adults who have experienced the divorce of their own parents as children have higher rates of divorce in adulthood. The problem with divorce is that children may learn that it is a reasonable solution to an unhappy marriage (Jolivet 2011). Teenagers often think that because their parents divorced they too will have bad relationships and are often times afraid to even get married due to the fact they think it will fail (Neuman, 2011). It is important for children, but more teenagers and adults to understand that growing up in a divorced family does not automatically lead you to have an unsuccessful marriage. Although it could just mean you have to work a little harder to keep the marriage strong (Jolivet, 2011).
Statistics say a lot about certain topics. Marriage and divorce has been ongoing for several decades now and researchers have been able to complete studies to provide people with factual statistics. It has been said that 59% of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. It is surprising to see that women get married that young. 60% of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 will end in divorce and 50% of all marriages where the bride is 25 or older result in divorce. Another statistic is that couples that live together prior to marriage are more likely to have unsuccessful marriages. Lastly, children of divorce have a higher risk of divorce when they marry and an even higher risk if the person they marry comes from a divorced home (McGraw, Marriage). Marriage is a thing of commitment, it’s doable but it does involve work.