Forgiveness And Reconciliation Paper
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Diane Jaynes
Liberty University
Abstract
Individuals and couples have a hard time understanding there are differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. Sometime in a marriage an individual or couple bring into a marriage the pain and baggage from abuse as a child into the marriage. This baggage or unforgiveness can cause problems in the marriage. Marriage or relationship coaches can give individuals or couples a variety of practices and approaches distinctive to their situation that will help them to learn to forgive. The preceding paper will discuss the importance of forgiveness in relationships. The writer of this paper will provide information explaining the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. This paper will also provide facts regarding forgiveness and reconciliation. The marriage coach will also share scriptures and supportive exercises too be utilized as homework solutions. The material presented in this paper has been gathered from research done by way of the Liberty University On-line Library, professional associational websites, and scholarly books and information presented in this course. …show more content…
Keywords: forgiveness, reconciliation, marriage, Bible, marriage coach, respect
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Recently, the writer of this paper did an interview with a married couple that the husband has unforgiven abuse issues from his biological mother and numerous step mom’s that he beings into their new marriage.
The main goal of this paper is to help the individuals realize the need to forgive. In addition, at the same time help clients understand forgiving does not mean they have to build a relationship with the individuals that may have done the abuse. Because of the female trust and respect issues for women that was brought on by the childhood abuse by women, this issue can cause this couple marriage issues.
The Differences between Forgiveness and
Reconciliation
Forgiveness is an emotion focused coping processes that may perhaps stimulate good health (Worthington, Jr. Everett, L. Witvliet Van Oyen, Charlotte, Pietrini, Pietro, Miller, Andrea, 2007). Whereas, some remunerations of forgiveness and forgivingness surface simply for the reason that they decrease unforgiveness and a few remunerations have a tendency to have additional forgiveness essentials (Worthington, et al 2007). When individuals hold on to unforgiveness in their live, this can cause a lot of anger and stress that can lead to all kinds of emotional, behavioral and health issues. Individuals need to understand that forgiving someone does not denunciate, defend, or overlook the abuse that they may have suffered as a child. Forgivingness happens as a characteristic, where forgiveness is perceived as occurring due to a situational response (Enright, 2012). As a child of God, individuals need to work on acquiring forgivingness as trait to use in everyday life. Reconciliation is a personal course of action when the individual talks with the individual that caused the pain (Ryan, 2008). They talk about what transpired, swap stories, and convey the pain they have felt. They also listen for the regret that will instigate the process of rebuilding trust (Ryan, 2008). Reconciliation is a substantially more complex and intricate course of action that entails moving past forgiveness (Clinton, Dr. Tim, & Hawkins, Dr. Ron, 2009). Forgiveness is personal and reconciliation is a dual undertaking.
Statistical Data
Jose Orathinkal, Alfons Vansteenwegen and Roger Burggraeve, did a multi-sectional research that explored the acuity and motivation of 785 heterosexually married adults from Flanders, Belgium (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008). Fifty percent the adults agree vigorously to agree that: Forgiveness is something freely given. In addition, fifty percent disagrees vigorously to disagree, because they expect the individual to say they are sorry before granted forgiveness (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008). Sixty percent feels that when forgiveness is granted, it also mean reconciliation, while forty present feels that forgiveness can be granted without reconciling with the individual (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008).
Causes of Unforgiveness
Forgiveness is a very vital in this journey called life. Appropriately utilized, forgiveness meets evil head on with concerns of integrity whereas it reacts to compromise functioning with benevolence and recovery (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness motivates faith and may very well encourage resolution. It recognizes and allocates openly with the imperfections, disappointments, and inadequacy that is in existence in each individual and their relationships (Ryan, 2008).
However, it is furthermore exact that forgiveness, as it is ordinarily applied, frequently transforms into a defense mechanism in the collection of compromised functioning (Ryan, 2008). If not approached correctly, forgiveness more often can be damaging instead of productive (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness, or whatever succeeds for it, can cause additional impairment. Using subtle dishonesty and misuse of the forgiveness process can be the source of compounded damage as an alternative to healing (Ryan, 2008).
Helpful Techniques Information. Healing from childhood abuse necessitates taking possession of the actions been denied (Ryan, 2008). It involves sustaining pieces of one’s identity that remains to be transported away (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness is a painful process because it means that the individual will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in them and around their surroundings communicates that this is not the appropriate route to yield too. Forgiveness is continually the actuality, regardless of how painful. Welcoming life happenings and the enduring effect, happens to be the route to autonomy and fullness (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness. Focusing on forgiveness of the individuals that are responsible for the child abuse many years ago is priority. This man needs to sit down and write a letter to each one of the individuals that abused and hurt him, explaining the pain he has felt for years now but he has started e process of forgiveness. It will be up to the individual if he actually sends the letters. This exercise will help open self up and healing can start (Ryan, 2008)
Childhood Scripts. This individual needs to be cultivating in their self-talk and with handling life encounters that has directed the individual to have these philosophies to begin with (Ryan, 2008).
Communication: Extend an added portion of grace and empathy. Couples need to learn to offer praise to each other for all the things each one is doing right in their marriage (Clinton, Trent, 2009). There also needs to be a decrease of condemnation and unenthusiastic communication in the couple’s rapport and become more intense with encouraging and passionate communication with each other (Clinton, Trent, 2009). The more a couple converses openly and reverently, the greater the possibility of coming together in their substance of worth (Parrott, Parrot, 200).
Biblical Instruction God gives partners in life so he can use them to help construct a more likeness of Christ in each one (Parrott, Parrot, 2005). It is essential for couples to labor as one in their marital union to be capable of remaining concentrated on sovereign individual growth (Clinton, Trent, 2009). Striving to be more like Christ is essential and the martial union is supposed to be beneficial not damaging and disparaging (Clinton, Trent, 2009).
2 Corinthians 2:10 (King James Version): 10. To whom ye forgive anything, I forgive also: for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ. If Christ can forgive us for our wrongdoing, then it is our responsibility to forgive others.
Luke 7:47 (KJV): 47. Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. If individuals will learn to forgive much, they will love much.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV): 31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ 's sake hath forgiven you. When individuals learn to appreciate the gift of forgiveness, they will want to pass it to others.
1 Peter 3: 7 (KJV): Likewise ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. God expects husbands to protect and above all respect their wives. This scripture says that if a man treats his wife badly, then his prayers will be ineffective (Life Application Study Bible, 1997). A right relationship with God will reflect on how individuals treat others (Life Application Study Bible, 1997).
Homework
The first thing the author would do is give the man a copy of Worthington’s REACH model of forgiveness. Worthington 's 5-step Model for forgiveness is an acronym that stands for the following:
Recall the hurt
Empathize with the one who hurt you
Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commitment to forgive
Hold on to the forgiveness The author would also recommend that this couple get the these two books written by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook that goes with them and make a commitment to read them and do the worksheets that goes along with each chapter . These two books and the workbook can help the couple recognize and connect with each other’s most significant poignant desires and overpower the bad behaviors that defeat marriages. If this couple will follow through on what the things requested of them, they will be able to develop a stronger love for each other, which will also make their marriage stronger. Lastly, this author would recommend that the couple start praying together seeking God’s guidance for their individual lives and their marriage. The author would also ask the husband to meditate on The Lord’s Prayer where it says forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. God cannot forgive us if we do not forgive others. In conclusion, forgiveness is a process that does take hard work and dependence on God. The author has attempted to discuss the issues that unforgiveness can cause in relationship, regardless of the types of relationships (Enright, 2012). The author has provided narratives, statistical data, foundations, methods to help solve issues, Biblical facets, and homework combinations that interconnect with coaching individuals and couples that are dealing with issues related past childhood abuse that has overflowed into the marriage that has also caused respect issues for the wife. The goal is for the young man to find forgiveness for the childhood abuse and realize how the unforgiveness has affected his respect for females especially his wife. This marriage has great potential of being a great marriage, but both individuals need to work on knowing what God wants with their lives and marriage by getting in his word and deepening their prayer life.
.
.
References
Clinton, Dr. Tim, & Hawkins, Dr. Ron. (2009). The Quick Reference Guide to Bibical Counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Retrieved February 21, 2015
Dr. Tim Clinton, D. J. (2009). The Quick Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling. Grand Rapid, MI: Baker Books. Retrieved February 14, 2015
Enright, R. D. (2012). Forgiving Life: A pathway to overcoming resentment and creating a legacy of love. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association.
Gottman, John M, Ph.D, & Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York, New York: Three Rivers Press. Retrieved February 2015
Life Application Study Bible (King James Version ed.). (1997). Tyndale House Publishers.
Orathinkal, J. Vansteenwegen, A. Burggraeve, Roger. (2008). Forgiveness: A perception and motivation study among married adults. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 49, 155-160. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9450.2007.00605.x
Parrott Les & Leslie. (2005). The Complete Guide to marriage Mentoring. Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530: Zondervan. Retrieved February 2015
Ryan, L. J. (2008, June 16). National Association for Christian Recovery. Retrieved from www.narc.org: http://www.narc.org
Worthington, Jr. Everett, L. Witvliet Van Oyen, Charlotte, Pietrini, Pietro, Miller, Andrea. (2007). Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being: A review of Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being: A review of evidence for emotional versus decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgivingness, and reduced unforgive. Journal of Behavioral Health, 30, 291-302. doi:10.1007/s108565-007-9105-8
Diane Jaynes
Liberty University
Abstract
Individuals and couples have a hard time understanding there are differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. Sometime in a marriage an individual or couple bring into a marriage the pain and baggage from abuse as a child into the marriage. This baggage or unforgiveness can cause problems in the marriage. Marriage or relationship coaches can give individuals or couples a variety of practices and approaches distinctive to their situation that will help them to learn to forgive. The preceding paper will discuss the importance of forgiveness in relationships. The writer of this paper will provide information explaining the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation. This paper will also provide facts regarding forgiveness and reconciliation. The marriage coach will also share scriptures and supportive exercises too be utilized as homework solutions. The material presented in this paper has been gathered from research done by way of the Liberty University On-line Library, professional associational websites, and scholarly books and information presented in this course. …show more content…
Keywords: forgiveness, reconciliation, marriage, Bible, marriage coach, respect
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Recently, the writer of this paper did an interview with a married couple that the husband has unforgiven abuse issues from his biological mother and numerous step mom’s that he beings into their new marriage.
The main goal of this paper is to help the individuals realize the need to forgive. In addition, at the same time help clients understand forgiving does not mean they have to build a relationship with the individuals that may have done the abuse. Because of the female trust and respect issues for women that was brought on by the childhood abuse by women, this issue can cause this couple marriage issues.
The Differences between Forgiveness and
Reconciliation
Forgiveness is an emotion focused coping processes that may perhaps stimulate good health (Worthington, Jr. Everett, L. Witvliet Van Oyen, Charlotte, Pietrini, Pietro, Miller, Andrea, 2007). Whereas, some remunerations of forgiveness and forgivingness surface simply for the reason that they decrease unforgiveness and a few remunerations have a tendency to have additional forgiveness essentials (Worthington, et al 2007). When individuals hold on to unforgiveness in their live, this can cause a lot of anger and stress that can lead to all kinds of emotional, behavioral and health issues. Individuals need to understand that forgiving someone does not denunciate, defend, or overlook the abuse that they may have suffered as a child. Forgivingness happens as a characteristic, where forgiveness is perceived as occurring due to a situational response (Enright, 2012). As a child of God, individuals need to work on acquiring forgivingness as trait to use in everyday life. Reconciliation is a personal course of action when the individual talks with the individual that caused the pain (Ryan, 2008). They talk about what transpired, swap stories, and convey the pain they have felt. They also listen for the regret that will instigate the process of rebuilding trust (Ryan, 2008). Reconciliation is a substantially more complex and intricate course of action that entails moving past forgiveness (Clinton, Dr. Tim, & Hawkins, Dr. Ron, 2009). Forgiveness is personal and reconciliation is a dual undertaking.
Statistical Data
Jose Orathinkal, Alfons Vansteenwegen and Roger Burggraeve, did a multi-sectional research that explored the acuity and motivation of 785 heterosexually married adults from Flanders, Belgium (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008). Fifty percent the adults agree vigorously to agree that: Forgiveness is something freely given. In addition, fifty percent disagrees vigorously to disagree, because they expect the individual to say they are sorry before granted forgiveness (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008). Sixty percent feels that when forgiveness is granted, it also mean reconciliation, while forty present feels that forgiveness can be granted without reconciling with the individual (Orathinkal, J., et al, 2008).
Causes of Unforgiveness
Forgiveness is a very vital in this journey called life. Appropriately utilized, forgiveness meets evil head on with concerns of integrity whereas it reacts to compromise functioning with benevolence and recovery (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness motivates faith and may very well encourage resolution. It recognizes and allocates openly with the imperfections, disappointments, and inadequacy that is in existence in each individual and their relationships (Ryan, 2008).
However, it is furthermore exact that forgiveness, as it is ordinarily applied, frequently transforms into a defense mechanism in the collection of compromised functioning (Ryan, 2008). If not approached correctly, forgiveness more often can be damaging instead of productive (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness, or whatever succeeds for it, can cause additional impairment. Using subtle dishonesty and misuse of the forgiveness process can be the source of compounded damage as an alternative to healing (Ryan, 2008).
Helpful Techniques Information. Healing from childhood abuse necessitates taking possession of the actions been denied (Ryan, 2008). It involves sustaining pieces of one’s identity that remains to be transported away (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness is a painful process because it means that the individual will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in them and around their surroundings communicates that this is not the appropriate route to yield too. Forgiveness is continually the actuality, regardless of how painful. Welcoming life happenings and the enduring effect, happens to be the route to autonomy and fullness (Ryan, 2008). Forgiveness. Focusing on forgiveness of the individuals that are responsible for the child abuse many years ago is priority. This man needs to sit down and write a letter to each one of the individuals that abused and hurt him, explaining the pain he has felt for years now but he has started e process of forgiveness. It will be up to the individual if he actually sends the letters. This exercise will help open self up and healing can start (Ryan, 2008)
Childhood Scripts. This individual needs to be cultivating in their self-talk and with handling life encounters that has directed the individual to have these philosophies to begin with (Ryan, 2008).
Communication: Extend an added portion of grace and empathy. Couples need to learn to offer praise to each other for all the things each one is doing right in their marriage (Clinton, Trent, 2009). There also needs to be a decrease of condemnation and unenthusiastic communication in the couple’s rapport and become more intense with encouraging and passionate communication with each other (Clinton, Trent, 2009). The more a couple converses openly and reverently, the greater the possibility of coming together in their substance of worth (Parrott, Parrot, 200).
Biblical Instruction God gives partners in life so he can use them to help construct a more likeness of Christ in each one (Parrott, Parrot, 2005). It is essential for couples to labor as one in their marital union to be capable of remaining concentrated on sovereign individual growth (Clinton, Trent, 2009). Striving to be more like Christ is essential and the martial union is supposed to be beneficial not damaging and disparaging (Clinton, Trent, 2009).
2 Corinthians 2:10 (King James Version): 10. To whom ye forgive anything, I forgive also: for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ. If Christ can forgive us for our wrongdoing, then it is our responsibility to forgive others.
Luke 7:47 (KJV): 47. Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. If individuals will learn to forgive much, they will love much.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV): 31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ 's sake hath forgiven you. When individuals learn to appreciate the gift of forgiveness, they will want to pass it to others.
1 Peter 3: 7 (KJV): Likewise ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. God expects husbands to protect and above all respect their wives. This scripture says that if a man treats his wife badly, then his prayers will be ineffective (Life Application Study Bible, 1997). A right relationship with God will reflect on how individuals treat others (Life Application Study Bible, 1997).
Homework
The first thing the author would do is give the man a copy of Worthington’s REACH model of forgiveness. Worthington 's 5-step Model for forgiveness is an acronym that stands for the following:
Recall the hurt
Empathize with the one who hurt you
Altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commitment to forgive
Hold on to the forgiveness The author would also recommend that this couple get the these two books written by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., PhD, Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook that goes with them and make a commitment to read them and do the worksheets that goes along with each chapter . These two books and the workbook can help the couple recognize and connect with each other’s most significant poignant desires and overpower the bad behaviors that defeat marriages. If this couple will follow through on what the things requested of them, they will be able to develop a stronger love for each other, which will also make their marriage stronger. Lastly, this author would recommend that the couple start praying together seeking God’s guidance for their individual lives and their marriage. The author would also ask the husband to meditate on The Lord’s Prayer where it says forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. God cannot forgive us if we do not forgive others. In conclusion, forgiveness is a process that does take hard work and dependence on God. The author has attempted to discuss the issues that unforgiveness can cause in relationship, regardless of the types of relationships (Enright, 2012). The author has provided narratives, statistical data, foundations, methods to help solve issues, Biblical facets, and homework combinations that interconnect with coaching individuals and couples that are dealing with issues related past childhood abuse that has overflowed into the marriage that has also caused respect issues for the wife. The goal is for the young man to find forgiveness for the childhood abuse and realize how the unforgiveness has affected his respect for females especially his wife. This marriage has great potential of being a great marriage, but both individuals need to work on knowing what God wants with their lives and marriage by getting in his word and deepening their prayer life.
.
.
References
Clinton, Dr. Tim, & Hawkins, Dr. Ron. (2009). The Quick Reference Guide to Bibical Counseling. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books. Retrieved February 21, 2015
Dr. Tim Clinton, D. J. (2009). The Quick Reference Guide to Marriage & Family Counseling. Grand Rapid, MI: Baker Books. Retrieved February 14, 2015
Enright, R. D. (2012). Forgiving Life: A pathway to overcoming resentment and creating a legacy of love. Washington D.C.: American Psychological Association.
Gottman, John M, Ph.D, & Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. New York, New York: Three Rivers Press. Retrieved February 2015
Life Application Study Bible (King James Version ed.). (1997). Tyndale House Publishers.
Orathinkal, J. Vansteenwegen, A. Burggraeve, Roger. (2008). Forgiveness: A perception and motivation study among married adults. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 49, 155-160. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9450.2007.00605.x
Parrott Les & Leslie. (2005). The Complete Guide to marriage Mentoring. Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530: Zondervan. Retrieved February 2015
Ryan, L. J. (2008, June 16). National Association for Christian Recovery. Retrieved from www.narc.org: http://www.narc.org
Worthington, Jr. Everett, L. Witvliet Van Oyen, Charlotte, Pietrini, Pietro, Miller, Andrea. (2007). Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being: A review of Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being: A review of evidence for emotional versus decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgivingness, and reduced unforgive. Journal of Behavioral Health, 30, 291-302. doi:10.1007/s108565-007-9105-8