How Do Men Build Resilience?

Most men think of themselves as confident and capable of meeting life's challenges head on. They often pride themselves on being better drivers, fixers, and problem-solvers. Men tend to get their confidence boosts from comparing themselves and their accomplishments to other men. Building resiliency in men often comes with a surprise to most men, because what men tend to think of as strength is often what makes them less resilient.

Resilience is the ability to adapt to and overcome adversity. As men grow through the stages of boyhood and face the stages of manhood, resilience is the manifestation of being emotionally and psychologically able to cope with and navigate through life's obstacles, pitfalls, and setbacks. Resilience requires adaptation, and adaptation requires change. The problem is that most men resist change and depend on their rigid beliefs and habits to get through life. This sort of rigidity makes them less resilient and more vulnerable to stress, anxiety, and depression. Many of these men get caught up in using alcohol or drugs as a means of coping.

Fear of emotions is often at the root of a man's need to hold onto rigid ways of thinking and behaving. The notion that men cannot display any sort of
vulnerability, because it implies weakness, is a major reason why so many men struggle with negative emotions. Any sort of perceived weakness becomes a source of self-deprecation and generates feelings of inadequacy which can lead to difficulty with how men deal with problems in their lives and relationships. When vulnerability is perceived as being weak, it produces deep levels of shame, because men are often taught in boyhood that they are "not supposed to be weak." Instead, they are supposed to be tough, dust themselves off and tough it out. Boys quickly learn that weakness or any show of emotions, other than anger, makes them less of a man, so they learn to hide or deny their feelings. Emotional problems like anger, aggression, and substance addictions can often be traced back to these early boyhood lessons.

The comparison of the oak tree versus the palm tree on an island is helpful for men to understand that what is often perceived as strength is really weakness that comes in the form of rigidity (e.g., resistance to change, stubbornness, unyielding dogmas, old habits, etc.), which is the cause for men's emotional problems like depression, anxiety and the lack of confidence in the face of tough times.

Men like to think of themselves as being strong like oak trees.
Oak trees grow huge and sturdy. The rigid trunk of an oak tree is needed to support its massive, heavy branches. The oak tree also has strong roots to hold the tree firmly in place. However, when hurricane force winds blow across an island few oak trees can survive without uprooting, breaking, splitting or losing their branches. The mistake men often make is to believe that being like an oak tree, standing unyielding and rigid in their beliefs, daily habits and "ways of getting the job done," is how they must prove their manhood. Under stress and in the face of pressure, these men experience high levels of anxiety and self-doubt which can uproot and destabilize them
emotionally.

The palm tree, on the other hand, is more flexible and bends in the face of high winds, thus they are better at surviving the storms. The palm tree gives men a different lesson in strength through adaptability and flexibility. It shows that when the winds of life's adversities test a man, the degree of his ability to be flexible and adaptable to change determines his strength and resilience in surviving stress and the pressures of life.

Men can learn to become more resilient with just a few basic changes in the way they think. Here are 5 basic steps to becoming more resilient:

1. Accept change as a part of life. If you want to stay resilient learn to embrace change as a part of growth. Embrace the challenges of change and stay positive.

2. Let go of past failures, mistakes, or poor decisions and move beyond self-pity and self-criticism. Accept full responsibility for your past. Consider the lessons that you learned from your mistakes. Put the lessons into daily practice.

3. Examine and let go of old childhood beliefs that no longer work for you. Let go of stubbornness and learn mental flexibility by accepting new ways of seeing your world. Stay open to new ideas that help you to cope with life's adversities.

4. Detach your self-worth from the need to be right all the time. You do not have to be right to be confident. Healthy men can admit when they are wrong or when they have failed. They use such moments to seek wisdom and understanding. Their confidence comes from the process, not just in having the right answers.

5. Allow yourself to feel your feelings without having to stuff them or shut them down. Your healthy emotions are your best guides to navigate through life and relationships.

Resilient men are flexible like the palm tree. They see change as an opportunity to improve. And, they stay ahead in the game of life by staying open minded. Every man can learn to be more resilient regardless of his age or station in life. Working one-on-one with a therapist can help men to discover new ways of becoming mentally more agile, and therefore, potentially more successful. The therapeutic process can help guide men through the stages of inner knowledge, letting go of the past, and creating freedom in thinking as well as equip them with healthier coping strategies for dealing with the adversities of life. Men of all ages are able to experience healing and transformation through therapy so that they can live happier more resilient lives.

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