Kneepads Monologue

kneepads made up, lad, for yer mine in da mornin’. I’ll have ye crawlin’ around like the dog ye are! HAHAHA!” Otherwise, not a whole lot of information about what exactly was going to happen was given to us. We were warned of how we were “in for it.” We were instructed that we wouldn’t be allowed to wear clothes normally, like a Shellback. All pollywogs were to have their uniforms inside out and backwards for the entire day. They also told us to get our rest, that we were going to need it. It went on for hours. Everywhere we went, those who knew us as pollywogs, would be threatening the day to come. If they didn’t know, they would ask, “Are you a Shellback?” and the typical response was a nasty, evil grin followed by some snide remark. We dared
We squirmed our way to the mess hall, where we were greeted with breakfast. A large trashcan filled with scrambled eggs, bacon, and potatoes, all mixed with ketchup, tabasco, mustard, and gravy. We were lined up, lying on the floor as they dragged the trashcan along, serving out a scoop in front of each of our faces. No silverware or trays for you. You don’t have arms, pollywogs. Put ‘em by your sides and bury your faces in that grub I worked so hard to prepare for you.” We were made to eat the slop, or at least a couple bites, and then rushed to slither our way out to the hangar bay. Marty met me there, put a leash around my neck and said, “There’s my dog! Come, boy, you can crawl on your hands and knees.” He guided me around like a proud owner of a show dog, giving me the occasional light whipping from his belt. He led me to the end of a “Polly Roll,” where a hundred pollywogs lay lined up side-by-side, and told me to take my place. “Now roll, Pollywog!” he screamed and I started rolling. As soon as I rolled across the person next to me, he started rolling, and so on, like a sick version of a
I was eventually led to the aircraft elevator and as we went up, we were graced with an ice cold, seawater shower being fired at us from several fire hoses above. Cold and shivering, we reached the flight deck and were led to the beginning of a long gauntlet of several challenges we were to complete. Bobbing for apples in tubs of some nasty liquid, jumping through “polly-hoops,” “polly-sliding” down a long wet plastic slip n’ slide—the course went on and on. We filled through the course, one after another, each needing to complete each task before crawling to the next. I went from the bow to the stern, trudging my way through each before I came to a large tub, ten feet long, filled with green-dyed water. The pollywog in front of me dove in as instructed and when he came out the other side a Shellback yelled to him, “What are ye, sailor?” “I’m a pollywog, sir,” he replied timidly. “Bahh! I’m a snoob! Back to the beginnin’ with ye then!” And they led him off to start the course all over again. Learning from this, I dove in when I was told and when he yelled the same question to me, I stood up and yelled back, “I’m a Shellback!” “Aarggh! To Neptune with ye,