Dear Tomas,
If you are reading this, I already will be on a train back to Prague. The pain and emotional emptiness I have felt in the last months since we have moved to Zurich have become unbearable to me. I have started to feel untouched and a burden to you, as you have neglected to fill me with the emotional passion that you used to. I cannot further rely on only you, with nothing to hold me incase I fall. I have nothing to uphold in Zurich; that is the reason I have chosen to retreat back to Prague, hoping I can return to being a journalist and follow my passion as photographer like I did before we left to Zurich. The single act of capturing a precious moment in time fills me with more passion than anything else in the last months. I want to show myself and take part in life, like I did while the Russians moved in. Capturing the events that occurred and being able to display them, gave me the feeling that I belonged and had a purpose. Something I haven’t felt in a while.
I am not sure what awaits me when I return to Prague, yet I am certain that I will be needed, even if only by Karenin, who I am taking with me. She has been so gentle and actually listens to what I have to say. Karenin has proven to be the only thing I can rely on and the only one who “needs” me.
I understand you’re separation of love and sex, but Tomas, I cannot share the same philosophy. I love you, yet the fact that I know, you and Sabina still sleep together even in Zurich, breaks my heart. I do not want you to share the same smile and touch you share with your women to be the same you share when you are with me. I know that you love me, I can feel it, yet you cause and unmistaken weight in my heart that I cannot bear to hold. It has gotten to the point that I feel I am being suffocated from the inside. For once I need to take care of myself and find my lightness, hoping that it can still be found.
I will miss you I will not deny