One Sound Of A Night: Supernatural Horror Script

ONE HELL OF A NIGHT is a supernatural horror script. It’s driven by the theme of survival. The goal for the heroine is clear and the stakes are life and death.
The script uses some of the techniques that make for a successful horror tale, such as a contained setting (the lake house), creepy noises, and spooky visuals, as well as tease attacks and gruesome murders.
While there are definite strengths to the storytelling, the script would benefit from more development. Because there are so many similar horror films, to be successful the story needs to offer the audience a new hook or new point of view, or a new monster (demonic or human) to battle. Unfortunately, the script really doesn’t offer the audience something new within the horror genre.
With that said, it does offer, however, a tried and true formula in which the protagonist is forced to battle evil forces. The hook is surviving the night.
The opening sets
the tone with the murder of John. However, the opening does feel a bit long. Consider trimming it. Consider opening with him writing the letter to Kayla and then hearing the noises and being attacked.
The following sequence after the murder involving the detective is also too long, hindering the pace. Pages 7 through 12 need to be tighten to enhance the pace.
The story is propelled forward when Kayla arrives at the Lake House. This is the first act break. The second act is driven by Kayla’s goal of survival. There are strengths and weaknesses to the fight for survival, but after awhile it becomes repetitive and the action begins to blend together.
It would benefit the script not to reveal who the masked intruders are. Let the reader be involved in the mystery of who they are.
The motivation for the actions of the antagonists is never fully clarified. They want to sacrifice Kayla, but it’s not clear why Kayla or what they really hope to get from this. They talk about power, but that’s rather vague.
It’s also rather confusing with the idea of both cult members and what appear to be demons too. It’s never really clear if the cult members are doing this for the demons or not or if they are demons.
In addition, there are too many “bad guys” diluting the true main foe, which is either June or Casey. The audience is required to take a leap that so many people are involved. The connection between Tyler’s father and June also isn’t well developed. One could understand if June wanted to get rid of Kayla for the money etc. but that’s actually too obvious.
Thus, the twist that June, Bernard, and Casey are involved isn’t a major twist. The motivation of these characters needs to be clarified. Being cult members is a bit too simplistic. It’s also feels a bit outdated.
The other areas of the script that would benefit from more development are the characters. While one doesn’t expect deeply rich characters, the characters do need to feel more complex and interesting.
Kayla has inner conflict about the death of her parents, but she’s not considered a distinctive enough character. She’s not very exciting. Try to find ways to make her more relatable for the audience. Give her a flaw or weakness. She doesn’t have to be one-dimensional good. While she becomes a survivor, give her a deeper character transformation. Give her stronger moral choices to make. Give her a more distinctive voice.
As mentioned, there are too many foes and they dilute each other. June is the only one with a real motive, but she’s absent throughout most of the second act. She has room to be a really intriguing and complex character with good and bad qualities.
Tyler’s role is not well balanced. He’s pivotal in the first act, but then he also disappears until the climax. The subplot with his father requires more development or it should be cut.
Characters like Robert and Seth are introduced too late in the structure. Casey and Kendra have room for further development and can be more distinctive. One can’t really distinguish them apart.
Alex is another character that doesn’t feel fully formed. His actions at Kayla’s house when he gets into a fight with Bernard are not well understood.
The dialogue is straightforward and sounds “on the nose.” “They’re killers in the house,” (example of on the nose dialogue). Dialogue can be trimmed especially in the first act. There’s very little subtext. There’s some repetitive dialogue. For example, Kayla says twice she doesn’t trust June and Bernard makes a similar comment about not trusting. June tells both Tyler and Alex they don’t need to snoop (repetitive type dialogue). Both Kayla and the girl use the same term monster. Voices should be more distinctive.
Overall, the tension rises in theory, but the story doesn’t feel terrifying enough for the audience and because the audience doesn’t relate with Kayla, the outcome isn’t as exciting as it would be with a more relatable heroine.
Remember, the heroine should defeat the main foe last and should not only physically defeat them, but they should mentally outwit them.
Finally, the professional presentation can be elevated. There are several typos through the script (once Kayla is called Mary). There’s also a mix up in the officer’s name (not Roger). There are minor formatting errors (woods should be EXT. not INT.). The scene headings can be more specific to the location. Instead of saying INT. HOUSE – make sure the audience understands whose house.

SUMMARY & MARKETABILITY
In summary, contained horrors can be marketable. They are easy to produce with contained, limited settings.
The target audience is mainstream.
However, the story needs a stronger, more original hook.
The motivations should be stronger.
Add more twists that the audience doesn’t see
coming.
Clarify cult members vs. a demonic story. It’s not clear if there are both and how they fit together. Do the demons possess the cult members? Consider if there is really a need for both.
Consider a story in which it looks like a supernatural story, but the reveal or twist is that someone is trying to drive Kayla insane or kill her for a specific purpose.
Trim the number of foes.
Continue to work on character development and dialogue.
To be successful, the audience has to be emotionally invested with the core characters.