Personal failure.
“No, this is not happening. This can’t be happening!”
I could not believe my eyes. I rubbed them over and over again, hoping that somehow reality fooled me. The only noise that I could hear was the continuous beat of my heart; thump, thump, thump, thump. It was as if my brain short-circuited and needed to be rebooted. With sweat running down my face, I gathered my courage and looked into the mirror. It has been months since I had the guts to glance at my reflection, and I was shocked. I did not expect to see such an oversized woman staring back at me. I closed my eyes at the horrifying figure and looked down to see the scale one more time. One hundred and fifty four pounds. From that moment on, I knew that things will never be the same anymore.
Life was hard. I hardly went shopping with my friends, as I just could not face the feelings of not being able to fit into any of the clothes. I changed from a sophisticated lady with high fashion into a plain girl who wore the same big and loose tops over and over again. I even retired from wearing jeans a long time ago, as they no longer fit me. The mockery and dismissals did not help with my depression. More often than not, I was called by various humiliating nicknames whether by my own family or my friends. I became scared to look at people in the eyes, because I was afraid that they would somehow judge me. The sad thing was that I believed that I deserved it all. I regarded being overweight as a sign of a personal failure.
But that does not mean I did not try to change myself. I did everything in the manual; from step one till the end. I stopped eating food high in sugar or carbohydrates, no more snacks between meals, doing cardio regularly and I even took into consideration the calories of every meal I had. It has been a month, but it was the most painful month of my life. The whole time I was “clean eating”, I had to watch the people around me eat my favorite food and be a couch potato as I tore my legs running
I could not believe my eyes. I rubbed them over and over again, hoping that somehow reality fooled me. The only noise that I could hear was the continuous beat of my heart; thump, thump, thump, thump. It was as if my brain short-circuited and needed to be rebooted. With sweat running down my face, I gathered my courage and looked into the mirror. It has been months since I had the guts to glance at my reflection, and I was shocked. I did not expect to see such an oversized woman staring back at me. I closed my eyes at the horrifying figure and looked down to see the scale one more time. One hundred and fifty four pounds. From that moment on, I knew that things will never be the same anymore.
Life was hard. I hardly went shopping with my friends, as I just could not face the feelings of not being able to fit into any of the clothes. I changed from a sophisticated lady with high fashion into a plain girl who wore the same big and loose tops over and over again. I even retired from wearing jeans a long time ago, as they no longer fit me. The mockery and dismissals did not help with my depression. More often than not, I was called by various humiliating nicknames whether by my own family or my friends. I became scared to look at people in the eyes, because I was afraid that they would somehow judge me. The sad thing was that I believed that I deserved it all. I regarded being overweight as a sign of a personal failure.
But that does not mean I did not try to change myself. I did everything in the manual; from step one till the end. I stopped eating food high in sugar or carbohydrates, no more snacks between meals, doing cardio regularly and I even took into consideration the calories of every meal I had. It has been a month, but it was the most painful month of my life. The whole time I was “clean eating”, I had to watch the people around me eat my favorite food and be a couch potato as I tore my legs running