Personal Narrative: How Abortion Changed My Life
On February 9th,2016, I was told that I would be expecting my first child. The moment was surreal for me. I never expected to be in a situation as such as a sophomore in college. My life was no longer my own, it was being shared by a small human growing inside me. However, reality soon set in. I began to realize I wouldn’t have the fairytale pregnancy that every girl dreams of. I did not have the supportive partner that everyone needs in a situation such as this. As a sophomore in college, I could provide for a child alone. In complete honesty, I was still a child myself. For this moment in time, school was not my main priority. My mind flooded with question in regards to what to do about my pregnancy. Could I be a single mother right now? How would I provide for my child? How would the child be mentally and physically without a
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father figure in its life? The father, Justin, had already detailed to me that he wouldn’t give up his life for the sake of a child.
I was told that football and making it professionally was too important for him. He pleaded for me to get an abortion. The word abortion for me is rarely uttered in my house hold. It’s would only be appropriate if my life was in danger. If I chose abortion, I was doing so without the support of my family. From Justin, I was given the ultimatum that if I aborted, he would be there. On the other hand, If I kept the child it was my responsibility to do everything. I believe for anyone; this decision could not be taken lightly. Time to think in a quiet environment is what was needed. I needed to devote all my time and attention to figure out what was the fate of my child. Since Justin had already detailed his position, I had to figure out mine. As a child growing up, my parents split fairly early in my childhood. I have few memories of my dad as a small child. While making my decision, this memory was fore front in my mind. The essential question I would ask myself was if it would be right to rear a child without its father. I will admit that it was challenging dealing with this pressing
matter during school. In addition to having to complete homework on time, study for test, quizzes and general everyday studying, I needed to come to a decision on what to do with my child. On March, 4th a decision and appointment had been made. At a Planned Parenthood in Connecticut, I would abort my child. I chose a medical abortion, chemically I would induce the death of my child. The day was somber and wasn’t filled with joy. I was told, I would feel relief when it was done but I didn’t. I instantly regretted my decision. I realize the horror I has just committed. During the appointment, the physician preforms an ultrasound and allows the mother to hear the heartbeat. For the entire car ride home, I could only think of the heartbeat. I believe every mother when they hear their child’s first heartbeat and ultrasound, a small part of them elates with joy. The joy I would experience was bitter sweet. I wouldn’t get to see the child I had just saw grow up. There would be no first day of school picture, no teaching it how to walk, no hearing its first word. In that moment, I realized I wanted to keep the child. I wanted to sacrifice my dreams and life for it. Unfortunately, my moment of realization came too late. Once the process was started, it could not have been stopped without the child being seriously defected. I had to hold all the hate I had for myself for choosing this option inside. I had to reluctantly trudge on and appreciate the final moment I would have with my child. There are enough words to describe the emotional pain it was to have an abortion during school. One weekend was not enough time for me to fully grieve, collect myself and continue on in school like a normal sophomore student.
As time more forward, I became seriously depressed and blamed myself for the event that had happened. I began to seek counseling to feel some sort of happiness. I wanted my spark of joy that was taken from me on March 4th back. With no family support and minimal effort from the father, I had to pull myself up by myself. I had to be my advocate daily to keep going and that tomorrow would be a better day. Emotionally I had to encourage myself and scholastically I had to study, prepare for final exams, and finish final projects. At the time every day was a struggle for me and my studies suffered as well. I fully take responsibility of the grades I received but I am human and sometimes we fail when life becomes too great. We cannot change the past, only the future.
The summer of 2016 I dedicated to making sure I was getting back to the normal, happy, and fun loving Alexis that became lost many months ago. I went to weekly counseling session to forgive myself, forgive Justin and determine a way to positively remember the child I wanted but was now lost. After numerous time at counseling, I began to realize I might not be able to love my first child physically. However, with my second child I could. I divulged a plan to make sure my future child would receive all the love, care and compassion I neglected with my first. Over the summer, I took the ELE 212 equivalent at Stony Brook University. For the first time in a while, I was able to devote all of my attention to my studies. From counselling, I had found my motivation to do better, to strive higher and achieve more. I finished off my summer happy. When school started again in the fall I made amends with my child’s father and embarked on a new school year that I believe would be filled with success. I was no longer living on campus and I was starting my junior year, I believed my life was on a rollercoaster only moving up. Unknowing to me there was a sharp downhill approaching soon.
father figure in its life? The father, Justin, had already detailed to me that he wouldn’t give up his life for the sake of a child.
I was told that football and making it professionally was too important for him. He pleaded for me to get an abortion. The word abortion for me is rarely uttered in my house hold. It’s would only be appropriate if my life was in danger. If I chose abortion, I was doing so without the support of my family. From Justin, I was given the ultimatum that if I aborted, he would be there. On the other hand, If I kept the child it was my responsibility to do everything. I believe for anyone; this decision could not be taken lightly. Time to think in a quiet environment is what was needed. I needed to devote all my time and attention to figure out what was the fate of my child. Since Justin had already detailed his position, I had to figure out mine. As a child growing up, my parents split fairly early in my childhood. I have few memories of my dad as a small child. While making my decision, this memory was fore front in my mind. The essential question I would ask myself was if it would be right to rear a child without its father. I will admit that it was challenging dealing with this pressing
matter during school. In addition to having to complete homework on time, study for test, quizzes and general everyday studying, I needed to come to a decision on what to do with my child. On March, 4th a decision and appointment had been made. At a Planned Parenthood in Connecticut, I would abort my child. I chose a medical abortion, chemically I would induce the death of my child. The day was somber and wasn’t filled with joy. I was told, I would feel relief when it was done but I didn’t. I instantly regretted my decision. I realize the horror I has just committed. During the appointment, the physician preforms an ultrasound and allows the mother to hear the heartbeat. For the entire car ride home, I could only think of the heartbeat. I believe every mother when they hear their child’s first heartbeat and ultrasound, a small part of them elates with joy. The joy I would experience was bitter sweet. I wouldn’t get to see the child I had just saw grow up. There would be no first day of school picture, no teaching it how to walk, no hearing its first word. In that moment, I realized I wanted to keep the child. I wanted to sacrifice my dreams and life for it. Unfortunately, my moment of realization came too late. Once the process was started, it could not have been stopped without the child being seriously defected. I had to hold all the hate I had for myself for choosing this option inside. I had to reluctantly trudge on and appreciate the final moment I would have with my child. There are enough words to describe the emotional pain it was to have an abortion during school. One weekend was not enough time for me to fully grieve, collect myself and continue on in school like a normal sophomore student.
As time more forward, I became seriously depressed and blamed myself for the event that had happened. I began to seek counseling to feel some sort of happiness. I wanted my spark of joy that was taken from me on March 4th back. With no family support and minimal effort from the father, I had to pull myself up by myself. I had to be my advocate daily to keep going and that tomorrow would be a better day. Emotionally I had to encourage myself and scholastically I had to study, prepare for final exams, and finish final projects. At the time every day was a struggle for me and my studies suffered as well. I fully take responsibility of the grades I received but I am human and sometimes we fail when life becomes too great. We cannot change the past, only the future.
The summer of 2016 I dedicated to making sure I was getting back to the normal, happy, and fun loving Alexis that became lost many months ago. I went to weekly counseling session to forgive myself, forgive Justin and determine a way to positively remember the child I wanted but was now lost. After numerous time at counseling, I began to realize I might not be able to love my first child physically. However, with my second child I could. I divulged a plan to make sure my future child would receive all the love, care and compassion I neglected with my first. Over the summer, I took the ELE 212 equivalent at Stony Brook University. For the first time in a while, I was able to devote all of my attention to my studies. From counselling, I had found my motivation to do better, to strive higher and achieve more. I finished off my summer happy. When school started again in the fall I made amends with my child’s father and embarked on a new school year that I believe would be filled with success. I was no longer living on campus and I was starting my junior year, I believed my life was on a rollercoaster only moving up. Unknowing to me there was a sharp downhill approaching soon.