Personal Narrative: I Am Thankful For Me

I lay in bed and take slow deep breaths, that is what you are supposed to do right?
My tight body clenched in a mini fetal position, although unaware to my brain, leaves my body aching for no reason but my own.

I try to slow my mind down. I try to quiet the noise. The harder I try the louder it gets.
I sit and think about my day, how I did not try hard enough, didn't work hard enough, how I ate bad or wait did I eat once or twice today? I go through every phone call, text message, conversation and Facebook comment. Speculating each reply, thought and decision I have made throughout the day.

I sit and twist my mind around each detail as if my mind were gripping onto each thought and slowly ripping each one out as if it was a page out of an
I want to run outside my body and away from my stabbing twisting gut and the throbbing pounding waves pulsating against my brain and against my loud, opinionated mind.

I lay and think of all the advice my therapists, family, friends and books have given me. Thoughts like "Think of what you are grateful for" or "Be thankful for what you do have".

Moreover, I totally agree. I should be extremely grateful for what I have, and I am. I am not homeless, loveless or joyless. I share my life with an amazing man who knows every inch of my being and still loves me deeply and passionately, as do I for him. I am living in a warm and comfortable apartment that we both worked hard to make feel like our home and I have the coolest dog who makes me laugh all the time. Who can be unhappy or worried with an overly joyous, kiss you all over your face, full of love black lab.

This is supposed to help I whisper to myself...but why do I now feel guilty? I feel guilty for thinking this way, and I judge myself for being so selfish. So many have it so much worse.

So what does it take to make the noise in my head a positive one, a calm one, and a rational