Poem Analysis Of Poetry
Poetry (>^~^)> keep out
1. Sabrina's Corner - 2012
-Alone in a dark room,
-Every entity has left me here.
-The door is barred by a broom,
-Belonging to the witch who sealed my fait. -Curled into a ball
-Knees to my chest, back against the wall.
-This is my only protection.
-Although the only breath I hear is my own,
-I'm reminded I'm not yet alone.
-Lingering above me is the everlasting pressure,
-That makes my body wrack with sobs.
-Cut, it whispers,
-The foul word drips with a venom even snakes envy.
-It swirls around me,
-Taking in the sight of the cowardly abomination that is me.
-This may not be a pleasurable presence,
-But at least I'm not abandoned.
-Detached from all beings, this empty feeling must …show more content…
be my sole purpose. 2. Time bomb - 2014
-You're like a time bomb
-Ticking endlessly
-She's waiting for you to explode
-Stabbing her with the millions of scattered pieces you'll have broken into
-It's only a matter of time
-As she watches you fading
-You're falling apart before her eyes
-and she is trying desperately to do
-what all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't
-But she can't change the past
-She can't undo what's already been done
-She can't take back their venomous words -Or somehow make you forget all the pain you endured
-Because even if she drives them away
-you are still your own worst enemy
-And the monsters outside
-Are nothing compared to those in your mind
-The paint of your resilience is chipping away
-And you're clutching to your blade more desperately than before
-Her pleas and promises are falling on deaf ears
-And sometimes she wonders if all this sorrow is worth
-the happiness she feels
-When she's holding your hand
-But then she remembers the girl
-Who, at only fifteen
-Was going to take her life
-And she was clutching just as desperately to that knife
-but you saved her
-And you've been saving her ever since
-She saw a light in your eyes, there was nothing left to fear
-And now helplessly
-She watches it disappear
-She wants to be the savior, that you are to her
-But no matter how hopeful she seems
-She's optimistic in vain
-You say she can't make you happy, she can't end the pain
-She speaks wistfully of future plans
-She wishes on a star
-Words turn into razors
-You say you don't plan on making it that far
-But she still loves you just the way you are
-And like a time bomb would
-You'll explode
-destroying everything in your path
-And when you do
-She'll have nothing left
-Suicide is such a shitty thing to expect
(S.L.)
3. Thunderstorm - 2014
-You taught me how to count beautifully
-The seconds between
-Thunder and lightning
-As it shook the foundation of our world
-You taught me
-Not to be afraid
-But baby there is a thunderstorm
-Raging on outside
-But I can only count
-The days since you
-Left
-All because
-Of me
(S.L.)
4. How to destroy an infection - 2014
I need someone
To help me get rid of these feelings
The feeling that
I'm disgusting
But I've come to realize that
No one can get rid of them
No one
They're a part of me
And the only way to destroy the infection
Is to attack at the root
5. Sixty percent deadly - 2014
Humans are approximately
Sixty percent water
Because, you see
We are all oceans
Seas
Lakes
Rivers
Puddles
Droplets
Tears
We slip our fingertips in
To test the waters
To see if these people will love us
Love you
Foolishly
For you have forgotten
As you always do when you are
Blinded & confused as sweet liquid
Fills your lungs
You're drowning
Drowning in someone else
But you are not the victim
You are the villain
Ignorant
Naïve
Have you forgotten, Sabrina?
You are a plague
A reckless force of evil
You create hurricanes with
Your words Typhoons with
Your actions
Yet still you dip your fingertips in
Slowly being swallowed
In bittersweet and forgetful bliss
As you kill everyone around you
How many lives must you take
To remember
(S.L.)
6. Crimson - 2013
The dark crimson streaks
They're all too familiar
Deep down across the canvas of my wrist
You promised...
I hear his echo
The solemn whisper still clear
Above the buzzing in my ear
I lay in bed, open my eyes
Shift my head
I'm looking at destruction, hatred
Written across my wrists
They scream at me
I'm staring at words
Strong enough to break bones
I'm peering in through the cracks
Is someone looking back?
She wants to escape
The girl inside
She can't find her way out
I need a small crevice, she hisses,
Just one, pretty please?
Sweet venom laces her words
How many cuts will it take to set you free?
I wonder aloud, hearing no reply
Has she gone already?
Lied and escaped without a passing goodbye?
Or maybe I cut too deep
And broke her too
But just then, I hear
A faint laugh
I'm still deep down inside of you
Cut deeper, you'll reach me
I promise
Those two words are so familiar
But my cuts have almost healed
I plead
But Sabrina, darling, I need to be freed
I can't stand this anymore
Just end the pain
I know what to do
I must be insane
And with that
We're back to where we started
And how I've missed it
It's been three days since I last saw
The dark crimson streaks
They're all too familiar
Deep down across the canvas of my wrist 7. Cliché - 2014
They say to wear your heart on your sleeve
But
That seems a bit gruesome
Doesn't it?
How does one wear a heart?
Do you take a needle and thread
Slowly and painfully piercing
The edges of your heart
Threading it to
The fabric on your wrist
Splattering the innocent,even friends
With blood as you wave
Each victory high five becoming a bloody disaster
It's almost laughable
Do you attach it to
The nerve endings
Willing them to protrude
And wrap around the organ we have removed
As a sort of method to express ourselves
What a comical notion
I'm sorry
It just seems rather silly to me
I'd love to show my feelings
But I'd prefer to keep my organs inside
8. Learning to Breathe Water - 2014
You know the things you learn
That you would've never considered prior to learning them but after learning them you feel like you've known you're whole life and you try but you can't remember who you were before that like
Who was I before I knew x
Like
Sabrina, your mouth is not a good place for spare change
Sabrina, your mouth should not speak of change that is a
Mans decision
Sabrina, put on your seatbelt
Sabrina, wearing a short skirt is just as dangerous as not wearing one
Sabrina, you have to go home your shorts are much too short
I hear
Sabrina, the boys have to focus to learn, your body is too distracting and it is your fault that they sexualize you
Sabrina, the electrical socket is not a good place for dinner knives
Sabrina, neither is your wrist
Okay
Sabrina, neither are your thighs
I realize that learning is just
Life crushing and molding your brain
You lose independence
You wonder what you can do
I try desperately
To breathe water
Even though I've learned
So long ago that
Sabrina, you can't breathe water
Unless you don't want to breathe Anymore
9. We are girls - 2014
We are the excuses
We are the girls who haven't run the mile in four years because we
Layer our deep v necks with excuses and bat our eyelashes at the male gym teachers
We are taught to survive by using our bodies as Swiss Army knives
Involuntarily
It's the game we've been playing since we were children
Deceive, but be polite
Girls, we have to be nice
Used to the masculine brutality
Male kindness is so alien to us we mistake it for seduction every time
Age 7, my 15 year old cousin touches me, makes me touch him
It took me years to realize that force was not love, when he called me beautiful he did not look beneath my abused skin
Age 12, Dad says wearing short skirts in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Age 13, a boy I've been dating for a week asks me to have sex with him, he says it's the only way I can show my love
Age 15, my boyfriend, hits me
If only it was unexpected
I blame myself
Age 16, my dad calls me sexy, on a regular basis, I take it as a compliment not knowing any better but the queasy feeling in my stomach tells me
Something is wrong
With the
Waved tardies, free drinks, smacked asses, my yoga pants are not a welcome mat, thank you
And it took me 16 years of
Playing this game to realize
This is not female privilege this is survival of the prettiest
We are easily startled
Who wouldn't be
I am barked at from the streets
We are the girls petrified of the business school boys who learn to somehow manifest success by refusing to take no for an answer
Aggression is key
Once my friend and I got cat called
She said screw you
I said thank you, head down
Like I was trained to
10. I once loved a psychopath- 2014
I once loved a psychopath
Completely aware
He could never be capable of a love that wasn't
Clinging to another person and wrapping around their
Throats and down their chests and to their hearts
To squeeze out every once of affection from you
But I didn't care
Because he told me the world wasn't nearly as beautiful as I
He told me
That the reason why our blood is red
Is the same reason why some stars are red
Their time is
Almost up
Our time is
Almost up
It has always been
Almost up
And he told me that's okay
That this only means it won't be too long before
We become fireworks
And we'd be a part of something
Tremendously bigger
Together
And I once loved a psychopath
Who kept me alive
Longer than the medication and therapy ever could
I became slowly entangled in his words
His false compliments tied me down and I knew
Exactly what was happening
His words ran up my body, creeping
Like vines
Thorns cutting me as they slithered
Up my torso
Wrapping around my throat
Wrapping his hands around my throat
And squeezing
So hard, I began to see stars
And I said to myself;
This is it.
My time is up.
I am a firework,
and I am becoming a part of something bigger.
11. My kind of alone - 2014
People think of alone as
A dark hole
Where no sound and no light and no life can
Penetrate
But I don't think so because
I have been down that hole many times before
I have lived it and still I feel
More at home there than
In a group full of strangers
Or a group full of friends
But who knows
Maybe our kind of alone is the sadder kind
Because it's the kind that makes you
Not fear death anymore
12. Letting go - 2014
Letting go of
The one you thought you loved more than
Anything
More than
Everything
Is not like dropping someone off
The edge of a cliff
However badly you might wish it was
It's not
And no matter how long you
Put it off
This inevitable thing
It will never be easier
Just get it over with
Oh but don't be fooled
Getting it over with does not imply
An instantaneous relief
They aren't some bandaid
Holding together two infected halves
Of a whole twisted heart
Oh no
Letting go
Of someone you love
Is a slow release
A long painful exhale
In a room starved for oxygen
A jet of helium
Slowly streaming from that pinprick
In the plastic skin of a young child's party balloon
Who didn't get their birthday wish
It is emptying a room full of things you love that
Disguised how dysfunctional it all truly
Was
The months come and go as
One memory at a time
You are drained
Hollowed out
And eventually you
Let go entirely
You are no longer in love
And the worst part is
You can't even remember
How it felt
13. Couples Therapy - 2014
Every Thursday I go to couples therapy with my depression
He whispers in my ear to stay in bed for another day
Presses his palm to my chest
Through my chest
Into my heart
Afraid I'm going to
Escape the covers
After I scrape myself out of the shower
I still smell like him
Like
Midnight panic attacks
Like
First name basis with the pharmacist
Like
Bloody razors wrapped up like Christmas presents
Our sessions with our therapist are fifty minutes
We spend that time
Restating the same issues to her
We've been on again off again since
Middle school
But it's been over a solid year that's
Got to mean it's getting serious
She asks about my appetite
Well I don't see it changing
But slowly the number is dropping and
That's okay
He likes me skinny
It makes it easier when he hugs me
It's like he envelops me
Like I disappear in him
Like his body swallows mine
She asks if anything has changed since I started with the Xolaft
Out of the corner of my eye I see him
He digs his nails into the arms of the chair
Grits his teeth
She asks me again
He gets jealous but Xolaft treats me well he
Takes me to breakfast in the morning
Feeds me pancakes
He got mad
Something about me cheating on him
He threatened to take out the razor
So I
Threatened to see Xolaft even more
All of him
All at once
He dared me
I almost
Did
She asks if that was the time my friend took Xolaft away
Well yeah, but it was okay, without Xolaft me and him got to spend some
Quality time as a couple again
Our therapist thinks I'm only with him because
My cousin touched me with smooth smothering caresses
Or because the boy that was supposed to love me like my cousin did
Battered me with fists
Or maybe it's because my father and I don't really have a relationship
Or maybe it's because my mother has expectations climbing faster than I can
Or maybe it's because my new boyfriend wants to be my new girlfriend
Or maybe it's because I hate the way I look
Or maybe it's because I hate the way I feel
Or maybe it's because I've only believed in loving someone else because
Let's be honest
Who could love me?
Or maybe it's because of the kids in class who
Laughed because I don't enjoy living
OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
I'M STILL ALIVE
She says it seems I've never had a serious love life
She doesn't understand
This is the most serious relationship I've ever had
She says time is up
Come back next week
He mutters fine
Under my breath
Slams the door on our way out
Our therapist says there have been improvements that
He and I will probably always be together
But I'll be more independent soon
I start to think about that
I don't remember what it feels like
To have his arms shrink from around my waist
If only for a few hours
Last week I stepped onto the scale
I've gained three pounds after losing fifteen
It's only three pounds but it's all me
It's all
Me
14. Explain what losing you is- 2014
I'm sick of the music
Happy or not
I can't handle melody
I don't want to be taken away
Rhythm makes me gag
Don't remove me from my feelings
Instead I want emotion
I want silence blaring through
My delicate frame
Headphones shooting indescribable
Lack of noise down to my toes
I am not numb
From the world around me
I am heightened
Aware
Feeling
Enraged
So turn off the music
Turn on the white noise
You can thank me later
15. Sweeping for you - 2014
I love you doesn't make everything better anymore
It doesn't make it all go away and
It's sad not because
It used to
But
Because it never did
I was only fooling myself into thinking
That sweeping everything under the rug
Made it all disappear
16. Summer Didn't Go So Well Either
I was melting ice
And you were winter
It was perfect
When it all started
But somehow you
Turned too cold and
I broke
17. Why Did You Say Yes, Anyway?
Because I never knew saying yes meant
Sleepless nights worrying about his past
Or that it meant
Laying in fields on warm summer afternoons
My friends are playing
But me,
I'm staring at the shriveled up weeds on the ground
And I'm just
Waiting for them to die
I ask myself if love meant holding on,
Even when he talks about porcelain doves but
Only vultures fly out of his mouth.
Sometimes it's too dark to see where they
Fly off to but I know somehow that
They're scraping the sky
And circling
Me
Yesterday, I saw a couple break up on the corner
Out of the corner of my eye I saw
A tear slip out of the corner of hers
Suddenly the park seemed more like
A cemetery
Caskets open and
All the corpses are staring at
Me
Everywhere I went after that
I asked myself how many hearts were broken here
How many people have broken all ties
How many tears have fallen
Right where I'm standing
Is this the exact same spot where
He last saw her?
Everywhere feels like a cemetery to me now
In the library, while I was checking out my books
I wondered how many couples decided that
Holding onto unresolved arguments was not
Love after all, but just
A milder version of
Torture, while they ripped pages out of the …show more content…
Bible
In a Chinese restaurant, while I was dining alone
Surrounded by families and first dates
I wondered how many people decided that
Not talking to each other for a ridiculous amount of time then
Pretending nothing happened is not love, while the
Pasta was left untouched.
If I know all this?
I wonder
When will I decide that this
Isn't love after all
That this just might be a
Relationship with a sad boy who
Wants nothing more than to feel loved
Even if
It breaks me
In the process
18. Suicide Notes
That's what they call them
They call them suicide notes
Your love poems
Don't tell me you'd die for me
My dear
A rotting corpse has no place
In my embrace
And in your darkest hours no matter
How many times you've written to me
There's not a thing I can do
When your hand turns blue
There's already an infinity of stars above us
Do not compare me to them
I do not want to be up there
Lightyears away
Burning bright but
Burning lonely
Frankly, I'd rather be by your side
I don't find anything romantic about
Comparing people to inanimate objects
Dead objects
Your kiss is not as sweet as a rose
Your kiss isn't sweet at all
But it's
Yours
If you die for me
I imagine myself
Tearing into the earth
Again
And again
To get to you
But what good would you do
Bones and dust
So don't tell me you'd die for me
Tell me
Please
Tell me you'd live for me instead.
19. I Have Failed, Yet Again
I am an experiment
Gone wrong
I'm both the prisoner
And the prison guard
I wear black
And white
And stripes that morph and swirl
Into out-of-focus
Microscopic images
No one knows for sure whether
The scatter pieces of me are
Trying to fit back together or
Just break each other
Finally
I am drowning in my own blood
Again
And when I'm breaking down my eye twitches slightly in
Spastic dances
Of death
I am so beautiful
We are so beautiful
We're an experiment gone wrong, darling.
I'm whispering to you
The clock reads four twenty two in the morning and
I'm breaking the truth to you
Buildings go up in flames because of us
Fields burn and the falling trees crash
So loud it almost covers the sounds of
Our screams
I whisper the truth
Because I need to hear it
I stare into the mirror and break it to myself
No matter how many fires
You start
No matter how much blood you force out
The suicidal lives
And how do we expect to kill it when
We can't even kill ourselves
20. I'm sorry
How naive was I, to think that
The love could cancel out the sadness somehow?
I looked at you one day and
Instead of feeling sad
I felt this
Kind of bliss
I felt the blood left in my veins start to flow
In a different direction.
I thought the smile on my face would last
Forever
I though the sadness had crawled out of me.
But no
The sadness never left
It just waited patiently inside, peeking out ever so often as
The love painted over it
I should've known that love cannot cure sadness.
I should've known that by latching onto the boy with eyes like oceans
I would only pollute them
I'm sorry for turning you into a remedy
I'm sorry that instead of curing me
I just infected you
I'm sorry you've lost
Almost as much blood as I now
I hope you
Never catch up
I'm sorry I thought I
Could ever escape
The continuous aching.
21. Why do you cut?
When people ask why I cut I cannot form my feelings into words
I cannot explain how my razor blade is my needle and blood is my heroin
I cannot explain how addictive cutting is
I cannot explain how wonderful it feels to have that sharp sting followed by a burning warmth spreading throughout your body
It makes me shiver
I feel my heart pound
I cannot explain how all of this feels
I cannot explain why I started
I cannot explain my pain
I cannot explain how it feels to have an anxiety attack it's something you have to live through to understand
I cannot explain what numb feels like
I cannot explain what it feels like to not feel at all
To just want to feel
I cannot explain any of this, so I use terms doctors use
Cold, hard letters
Iron words
No
emotion
So when people ask why I cut
I tell them
The patient self harms due to an alternating combination of hyper stress and dissociation. Which one causes the trigger depends on the situation she's put in. For example, when she believes her boyfriend is going to kill himself soon, she goes through hyper stress and into anxious shock, she cannot calm down and the only way she knows to take control of herself is through a blade. Another example is when she single handedly threw her mother into a manic depressive state due to letting her look through her things and find her blades. This puts the patient into a different state of shock where her body shuts down any feelings. She feels numb and lacks any will to continue living or trying to live. Sometimes she is disconnected enough to question whether her existence even counts as living. So she cuts herself to ensure that she is still real. She can still feel. That's why the patient cuts. I hope that suffices...
22. Red Rainbows
There are storms raging within me.
My mother once told me that Rainbows come after the storm.
Well, the flood has come and gone,
So long that
The vultures have died waiting for
Me to
I don't give in
Not yet
Flowers no longer sprout from the earth.
I lie on the gravel, the
Unforgiving earth I grab handfuls to ward off Starvation.
Landfills in my stomach, dirt on
My knees.
I wish to fall asleep and
Never
Ever
Wake up
The winds have ceased howling, the trees are bent and bare.
But the skies are no longer empty.
Clouds gather in the distance.
Preparing for another rainbow-
-less
Rainfall
So I pluck more blades of grass to slice open myself further.
Reveal the rainbows inside me.
But where we come from,
Where I come from. Rainbows are red. Grass no longer sprout from the earth. There is only earth.
And more earth.
Not even
A simple blade remains.
And with only earth,
What more is there for me, but to bury myself?
23: Good Luck
When we took a
Break
I felt something inside of me
Break
It snapped from all of the tension
That had been building up
Ever since you first said my name
The word crossing your lips
Dripping sweet
Venom
Curling around me
Warmth enveloping me
Suffocating me
The friction caused a
Burn I'd never felt and
The tension eased the pain
But when it
Broke
And we
Broke
Just for a while
You said
Okay
I said
My depression
Laughed
Ha
It said
I knew you'd come crawling
Back to me
I told that thing it was temporary that
I'd be back in his arms
Soon enough
The venom would soothe me
Right?
It laughed again
Ha
I told it
I can make it on my own
If only for a while
Maybe
Good luck
It whispered
I replied
Thank you
I'm probably going to need it
When you broke it off for good a few weeks later I didn't know what to
Think
My depression
It whispered that same phrase to me
Laced with I told you so's
Good luck
I said
Thank you
I've never needed it more
Than now
I couldn't see any hope
It was too foggy for a light
At the end of my tunnel
But as I drew closer
And time wore on
Spinning seconds to hours to days
To weeks
To months
And I don't know if I feel
Better
But
Today, my depression whispered
Good luck
Into my ear
And I said
Thank you
But I'm not going to need it
24: Just Like Me
People tell me I am just like
My mother
I thank them
I do not tell them the truth
Because ignorance is
Bliss
And how I wish someone would've
Let me keep my ignorance
I do not tell them of her voice
How it projects
How it fills the room with
Her presence
How it
Booms with such
Feminine confidence
I do not tell them of my voice
How it
Shrinks
How it disappears
How it is hushed
By the gentlest of breezes
I do not tell them
I cannot
Tell them
I'm not her daughter
Anymore
25. Sketching
They say self harm is a symptom
Of suicidal tendencies
I disagree
I am not suicidal
I have no desire to end my life
So what if I cut myself? It isn't
To die
Although it may be true that
I don't exactly have the
Strongest
Desire to live but
That's okay
Right?
I am not suicidal
Right?
I have no desire to end my life
Right?
So what if I cut myself? It isn't
To die
((please tell me I'm right))
As I think about it more and more
Turning it over and over in my mind
I realize
I do not want to live
I am just too much of a
Coward
To die
I think back
The razor runs across my body like
An artists pencil
He lets it flow so gracefully
26. Anorexic
She doesn’t see the glass as
Half-empty or half-full.
She’s not a self-proclaimed Realist.
She’s anorexic, the doctor says
And she sees everything
As a bit too full. I guess she’s right.
She is filled with so much Emptiness, The universe could sit Inside her belly until it explodes. 27.Tonight death makes her beautiful
Tonight, she brushes her teeth With a razor
Washes her mouth with perfume
Get rid of the stench
Applies the red lipstick unto
Bloody lips
With her left hand,
Her right is busy with the knife.
She
Powders her nose with moonlight.
Tonight, she is not an object.
Tonight, she is real.
Tonight, she isn't hot.
Tonight, she is as cold as a corpse.
Tonight, she isn’t just pretty.
Tonight, she is beautiful.
Tonight, death makes her beautiful.
28. Letter to the Past
I have never been one to write letters That begin with dear
Then again I
Have never been one to write
Letters at all, actually
I have never been one to say hello to
A stranger
Or smile that much
Because I hate my own voice and How my mouth unfurls to show
Fake rows of teeth that
A doctor had to fix to make
Convincing
And even now when I try to smile
My lips curl
So crudely into something more of a grimace.
For me the past isn’t a series of
Events that had trans
Pired, I don’t believe anything ever
Truly ends and
History repeats itself anyway, Doesn’t it?
Just yesterday, for instance,
A stranger smiled at me
From
Across the street and it reminded me
So much of you and your
Convincing lips
That I started to cry
Right there
And when I looked up, he was gone And I felt
A little bit better.
Just a little
What I mean is that the pain won’t ever really go away, would it?
Because for me the past is you and I
And I’ve never really been one to say Goodbye.
29. If bruise were a color
I’d paint my walls with it.
Some days they’d look like flowers
Beautiful flowers
Blooming beneath the willows
And the
Winter skies when the snow’s stopped falling for a little while
To let us breathe.
Take each other in.
I take you in.
It hurts.
Other days, they’d be paint
Spilt on the blood soaked carpet and we’d lie arms outstretched
Side by side
I shuffle a little away from you
Just a little
For comfort.
Now we are staring at the ceiling,
Soaking up our paint spilled bloody Mess.
Then there are days when I stand so Still,
Back pressed closely
So hard against the wall and
I wish I was furniture
So you wouldn’t even see me.
You’d pass by like the breeze and I’d be the music sheets fluttering quietly From the polished stand to
The bloodied floor.
Your violin won’t be able to mask the Sound your fists make when
They collide with my ribs You know.
30. Bear traps and burnt toast
Sometimes there are ocean
Waves
That look like dead men’s fingertips, Beckoning.
That’s probably why he jumped
Off that cliff last Sunday when he Was supposed to be singing
At church and smiling and, well, Alive.
At least that’s what the news says.
And they know
Everything
Right?
Because it couldn’t have been
The children in his third grade class who called him burnt toast, could it? Oh no, it couldn’t have been when Samantha told him he belonged in
The trash or when the school janitor Used to come around and they’d tell Him to mop away the spilt coffee Before it leaves a stain.
He'd chuckle.
You met him in high school and Before the other kids could call him Grizzly, you gathered up the bear Traps and loved him. You swallowed The sea foam before they’d start to Lure him with a single gesture, the Same way death coaxed that man Head first into jagged rocks.
It took you a while to realise he’s
Strong too. You both have gotten Used to the young mothers Whispering into their blue-eyed Daughters’ ears whenever you Passed by hand in hand. You’ve Gotten used to the train journey Stares with his warm hands on your Hips. So when the next old white Couple in the park comes up to you To ask why, just smile and kiss him Long and hard until they go away. They always do.
They go away.
Just like
He did.
31. FOR TEENAGERS WHO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ON ISLANDS
My friend, half of the battle is
Getting yourself to feel worth Something.
Because you are worth
Something.
The other half is getting yourself to Feel
Something.
Anything at all.
There are many ways to be numb.
It is a quenched hunger
That we do not advertise.
In order to find
Something.
We have to scavenge.
Do not worry whether or not you
Can handle the hurt in front of you. Know this was given to you because You
Are the only speck in the universe Who can carry it. let your lover in. show her around your scattered apartment head. do not apologize for the mess, but do acknowledge its presence. tell her to make herself at home. water the windows. open the plants. you forgot how shame could seal the blinds shut. you forgot how quickly our eyes adjust to the dark. but how can you not believe in something bigger every morning, when the sun always comes back to forgive you? it must be powerful; it is so bright. maybe this is a double-sided mirror. maybe the universe puzzles herself with theories about you. remember when you were young how moonglow wrapped around your bedroom like a spell at night. the hearts you collected in a piggy bank, your body like a tiny harp. you handed light out like business cards. you were and are still a source of light. this is what i think of when i feel small. how empowering it is: to know your existence might actually mean something. how freeing it is to know that it might not.
32. Shall we let our shadows put on a show for the moon tonight?
The sound of your heartbeat is the only song I want to write.
33. How to cope
How to keep his wandering eyes Closed
Or
How to drown in your own
Body
Or
((unwanted))((validating))((necessary))
Sex
For the eating disordered
I ask him to turn the lights off before
He touches me
As if this will lock her out
Lock him out
Even
His touch is
Too close
Her bones are
Too close
Her
Ana, Mia, whatever I've decided
To name my mental illness today
To make it easier to cope
As if
Now that I have named her
I've finally taken control
As if
Making her woman
Somehow makes her docile, gentle
Obedient
But she is not so easily trapped
She will slip through the bars
She is skinny like that
I
Am not
I
Am trapped
Not her
I
Will escape when I am skinnier
And the moment I take my
All too big
Shirt off
I peel everything off like
A second skin
Leaving my body splayed open
For him
The man I didn't even invite into
My bed
She
Will make the touch of his hands feel
Like the squeeze of the trigger
I
Always wait for his gun barrel wrists
To recoil in disgust
And when they don't
I'll call it misfire
I'll say
How foolish of the marksman to
Not clearly see this target
When his fingers trail
Below my breasts
She will dig her claws
Into my stomach
I warn him not to get too close
For She
Is a jealous God
She will plant flag in earth
To remind me that
No matter how many times he
Calls me beautiful
I will still crawl back to her
For every meal
So when his wandering fingers
Wandering eyes
Trail
Below my breasts
Tell him to touch anywhere else
To plant palm prints anywhere but
Stomach
For there I am just too close to
Collapsing
And how dare I ask him
To touch something
To love something
So dirty
I have always taken skinny
"Lovers"
((Ha))
The kind of boys sculpted to the
Image of barren stripped winter trees
Bones
Hollow and shapely
Shaking
A frosts breath away from collapse
She will tell me this
Is the closest I will ever get to
Beauty
So I rub his hipbones as if
They were my own
Grip his protruding collar bones
Thrust my envious fingers in
The gap between his thighs
Moan as I dip in between each
And every rib
I learn
Never to take the risk and look down
At my own body there is absolutely
Nothing there
That I
Or anyone
Would want
This is how I learned how to
"Fuck"
She taught me how
Foolish making love is when
No one can ever love my form
She taught me how to dim the lights
She taught me how to arch
My back just so to
Make my ribs stick out
My skin and my ways are nothing
But a cheap magic trick
Look how close to me
How far inside of me he can get
Before he shatters the illusion
Breaking me
Afterwards she'll tell me
Close the curtains
Block out the dawn because
There will be no one left to love me
When the lights come up
34. Repetition is my favorite device
You came to me with a
Mouthful of forevers
That you've given to a
Thousand girls before
Whatever
I still swallowed it like
A miracle
Knowing it was
A curse
35. You're an oxymoron, aren't you?
You're opposites.
You were
All the days I spent fixing myself.
And you were
All the nights I wrecked myself, too.
This is so useless
Trying to get someone to stay but Knowing they are only going to be The best and The worst
Thing in my life.
Whatever.
Ain't no bunk beds in coffins
1. Sabrina's Corner - 2012
-Alone in a dark room,
-Every entity has left me here.
-The door is barred by a broom,
-Belonging to the witch who sealed my fait. -Curled into a ball
-Knees to my chest, back against the wall.
-This is my only protection.
-Although the only breath I hear is my own,
-I'm reminded I'm not yet alone.
-Lingering above me is the everlasting pressure,
-That makes my body wrack with sobs.
-Cut, it whispers,
-The foul word drips with a venom even snakes envy.
-It swirls around me,
-Taking in the sight of the cowardly abomination that is me.
-This may not be a pleasurable presence,
-But at least I'm not abandoned.
-Detached from all beings, this empty feeling must …show more content…
be my sole purpose. 2. Time bomb - 2014
-You're like a time bomb
-Ticking endlessly
-She's waiting for you to explode
-Stabbing her with the millions of scattered pieces you'll have broken into
-It's only a matter of time
-As she watches you fading
-You're falling apart before her eyes
-and she is trying desperately to do
-what all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't
-But she can't change the past
-She can't undo what's already been done
-She can't take back their venomous words -Or somehow make you forget all the pain you endured
-Because even if she drives them away
-you are still your own worst enemy
-And the monsters outside
-Are nothing compared to those in your mind
-The paint of your resilience is chipping away
-And you're clutching to your blade more desperately than before
-Her pleas and promises are falling on deaf ears
-And sometimes she wonders if all this sorrow is worth
-the happiness she feels
-When she's holding your hand
-But then she remembers the girl
-Who, at only fifteen
-Was going to take her life
-And she was clutching just as desperately to that knife
-but you saved her
-And you've been saving her ever since
-She saw a light in your eyes, there was nothing left to fear
-And now helplessly
-She watches it disappear
-She wants to be the savior, that you are to her
-But no matter how hopeful she seems
-She's optimistic in vain
-You say she can't make you happy, she can't end the pain
-She speaks wistfully of future plans
-She wishes on a star
-Words turn into razors
-You say you don't plan on making it that far
-But she still loves you just the way you are
-And like a time bomb would
-You'll explode
-destroying everything in your path
-And when you do
-She'll have nothing left
-Suicide is such a shitty thing to expect
(S.L.)
3. Thunderstorm - 2014
-You taught me how to count beautifully
-The seconds between
-Thunder and lightning
-As it shook the foundation of our world
-You taught me
-Not to be afraid
-But baby there is a thunderstorm
-Raging on outside
-But I can only count
-The days since you
-Left
-All because
-Of me
(S.L.)
4. How to destroy an infection - 2014
I need someone
To help me get rid of these feelings
The feeling that
I'm disgusting
But I've come to realize that
No one can get rid of them
No one
They're a part of me
And the only way to destroy the infection
Is to attack at the root
5. Sixty percent deadly - 2014
Humans are approximately
Sixty percent water
Because, you see
We are all oceans
Seas
Lakes
Rivers
Puddles
Droplets
Tears
We slip our fingertips in
To test the waters
To see if these people will love us
Love you
Foolishly
For you have forgotten
As you always do when you are
Blinded & confused as sweet liquid
Fills your lungs
You're drowning
Drowning in someone else
But you are not the victim
You are the villain
Ignorant
Naïve
Have you forgotten, Sabrina?
You are a plague
A reckless force of evil
You create hurricanes with
Your words Typhoons with
Your actions
Yet still you dip your fingertips in
Slowly being swallowed
In bittersweet and forgetful bliss
As you kill everyone around you
How many lives must you take
To remember
(S.L.)
6. Crimson - 2013
The dark crimson streaks
They're all too familiar
Deep down across the canvas of my wrist
You promised...
I hear his echo
The solemn whisper still clear
Above the buzzing in my ear
I lay in bed, open my eyes
Shift my head
I'm looking at destruction, hatred
Written across my wrists
They scream at me
I'm staring at words
Strong enough to break bones
I'm peering in through the cracks
Is someone looking back?
She wants to escape
The girl inside
She can't find her way out
I need a small crevice, she hisses,
Just one, pretty please?
Sweet venom laces her words
How many cuts will it take to set you free?
I wonder aloud, hearing no reply
Has she gone already?
Lied and escaped without a passing goodbye?
Or maybe I cut too deep
And broke her too
But just then, I hear
A faint laugh
I'm still deep down inside of you
Cut deeper, you'll reach me
I promise
Those two words are so familiar
But my cuts have almost healed
I plead
But Sabrina, darling, I need to be freed
I can't stand this anymore
Just end the pain
I know what to do
I must be insane
And with that
We're back to where we started
And how I've missed it
It's been three days since I last saw
The dark crimson streaks
They're all too familiar
Deep down across the canvas of my wrist 7. Cliché - 2014
They say to wear your heart on your sleeve
But
That seems a bit gruesome
Doesn't it?
How does one wear a heart?
Do you take a needle and thread
Slowly and painfully piercing
The edges of your heart
Threading it to
The fabric on your wrist
Splattering the innocent,even friends
With blood as you wave
Each victory high five becoming a bloody disaster
It's almost laughable
Do you attach it to
The nerve endings
Willing them to protrude
And wrap around the organ we have removed
As a sort of method to express ourselves
What a comical notion
I'm sorry
It just seems rather silly to me
I'd love to show my feelings
But I'd prefer to keep my organs inside
8. Learning to Breathe Water - 2014
You know the things you learn
That you would've never considered prior to learning them but after learning them you feel like you've known you're whole life and you try but you can't remember who you were before that like
Who was I before I knew x
Like
Sabrina, your mouth is not a good place for spare change
Sabrina, your mouth should not speak of change that is a
Mans decision
Sabrina, put on your seatbelt
Sabrina, wearing a short skirt is just as dangerous as not wearing one
Sabrina, you have to go home your shorts are much too short
I hear
Sabrina, the boys have to focus to learn, your body is too distracting and it is your fault that they sexualize you
Sabrina, the electrical socket is not a good place for dinner knives
Sabrina, neither is your wrist
Okay
Sabrina, neither are your thighs
I realize that learning is just
Life crushing and molding your brain
You lose independence
You wonder what you can do
I try desperately
To breathe water
Even though I've learned
So long ago that
Sabrina, you can't breathe water
Unless you don't want to breathe Anymore
9. We are girls - 2014
We are the excuses
We are the girls who haven't run the mile in four years because we
Layer our deep v necks with excuses and bat our eyelashes at the male gym teachers
We are taught to survive by using our bodies as Swiss Army knives
Involuntarily
It's the game we've been playing since we were children
Deceive, but be polite
Girls, we have to be nice
Used to the masculine brutality
Male kindness is so alien to us we mistake it for seduction every time
Age 7, my 15 year old cousin touches me, makes me touch him
It took me years to realize that force was not love, when he called me beautiful he did not look beneath my abused skin
Age 12, Dad says wearing short skirts in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Age 13, a boy I've been dating for a week asks me to have sex with him, he says it's the only way I can show my love
Age 15, my boyfriend, hits me
If only it was unexpected
I blame myself
Age 16, my dad calls me sexy, on a regular basis, I take it as a compliment not knowing any better but the queasy feeling in my stomach tells me
Something is wrong
With the
Waved tardies, free drinks, smacked asses, my yoga pants are not a welcome mat, thank you
And it took me 16 years of
Playing this game to realize
This is not female privilege this is survival of the prettiest
We are easily startled
Who wouldn't be
I am barked at from the streets
We are the girls petrified of the business school boys who learn to somehow manifest success by refusing to take no for an answer
Aggression is key
Once my friend and I got cat called
She said screw you
I said thank you, head down
Like I was trained to
10. I once loved a psychopath- 2014
I once loved a psychopath
Completely aware
He could never be capable of a love that wasn't
Clinging to another person and wrapping around their
Throats and down their chests and to their hearts
To squeeze out every once of affection from you
But I didn't care
Because he told me the world wasn't nearly as beautiful as I
He told me
That the reason why our blood is red
Is the same reason why some stars are red
Their time is
Almost up
Our time is
Almost up
It has always been
Almost up
And he told me that's okay
That this only means it won't be too long before
We become fireworks
And we'd be a part of something
Tremendously bigger
Together
And I once loved a psychopath
Who kept me alive
Longer than the medication and therapy ever could
I became slowly entangled in his words
His false compliments tied me down and I knew
Exactly what was happening
His words ran up my body, creeping
Like vines
Thorns cutting me as they slithered
Up my torso
Wrapping around my throat
Wrapping his hands around my throat
And squeezing
So hard, I began to see stars
And I said to myself;
This is it.
My time is up.
I am a firework,
and I am becoming a part of something bigger.
11. My kind of alone - 2014
People think of alone as
A dark hole
Where no sound and no light and no life can
Penetrate
But I don't think so because
I have been down that hole many times before
I have lived it and still I feel
More at home there than
In a group full of strangers
Or a group full of friends
But who knows
Maybe our kind of alone is the sadder kind
Because it's the kind that makes you
Not fear death anymore
12. Letting go - 2014
Letting go of
The one you thought you loved more than
Anything
More than
Everything
Is not like dropping someone off
The edge of a cliff
However badly you might wish it was
It's not
And no matter how long you
Put it off
This inevitable thing
It will never be easier
Just get it over with
Oh but don't be fooled
Getting it over with does not imply
An instantaneous relief
They aren't some bandaid
Holding together two infected halves
Of a whole twisted heart
Oh no
Letting go
Of someone you love
Is a slow release
A long painful exhale
In a room starved for oxygen
A jet of helium
Slowly streaming from that pinprick
In the plastic skin of a young child's party balloon
Who didn't get their birthday wish
It is emptying a room full of things you love that
Disguised how dysfunctional it all truly
Was
The months come and go as
One memory at a time
You are drained
Hollowed out
And eventually you
Let go entirely
You are no longer in love
And the worst part is
You can't even remember
How it felt
13. Couples Therapy - 2014
Every Thursday I go to couples therapy with my depression
He whispers in my ear to stay in bed for another day
Presses his palm to my chest
Through my chest
Into my heart
Afraid I'm going to
Escape the covers
After I scrape myself out of the shower
I still smell like him
Like
Midnight panic attacks
Like
First name basis with the pharmacist
Like
Bloody razors wrapped up like Christmas presents
Our sessions with our therapist are fifty minutes
We spend that time
Restating the same issues to her
We've been on again off again since
Middle school
But it's been over a solid year that's
Got to mean it's getting serious
She asks about my appetite
Well I don't see it changing
But slowly the number is dropping and
That's okay
He likes me skinny
It makes it easier when he hugs me
It's like he envelops me
Like I disappear in him
Like his body swallows mine
She asks if anything has changed since I started with the Xolaft
Out of the corner of my eye I see him
He digs his nails into the arms of the chair
Grits his teeth
She asks me again
He gets jealous but Xolaft treats me well he
Takes me to breakfast in the morning
Feeds me pancakes
He got mad
Something about me cheating on him
He threatened to take out the razor
So I
Threatened to see Xolaft even more
All of him
All at once
He dared me
I almost
Did
She asks if that was the time my friend took Xolaft away
Well yeah, but it was okay, without Xolaft me and him got to spend some
Quality time as a couple again
Our therapist thinks I'm only with him because
My cousin touched me with smooth smothering caresses
Or because the boy that was supposed to love me like my cousin did
Battered me with fists
Or maybe it's because my father and I don't really have a relationship
Or maybe it's because my mother has expectations climbing faster than I can
Or maybe it's because my new boyfriend wants to be my new girlfriend
Or maybe it's because I hate the way I look
Or maybe it's because I hate the way I feel
Or maybe it's because I've only believed in loving someone else because
Let's be honest
Who could love me?
Or maybe it's because of the kids in class who
Laughed because I don't enjoy living
OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
I'M STILL ALIVE
She says it seems I've never had a serious love life
She doesn't understand
This is the most serious relationship I've ever had
She says time is up
Come back next week
He mutters fine
Under my breath
Slams the door on our way out
Our therapist says there have been improvements that
He and I will probably always be together
But I'll be more independent soon
I start to think about that
I don't remember what it feels like
To have his arms shrink from around my waist
If only for a few hours
Last week I stepped onto the scale
I've gained three pounds after losing fifteen
It's only three pounds but it's all me
It's all
Me
14. Explain what losing you is- 2014
I'm sick of the music
Happy or not
I can't handle melody
I don't want to be taken away
Rhythm makes me gag
Don't remove me from my feelings
Instead I want emotion
I want silence blaring through
My delicate frame
Headphones shooting indescribable
Lack of noise down to my toes
I am not numb
From the world around me
I am heightened
Aware
Feeling
Enraged
So turn off the music
Turn on the white noise
You can thank me later
15. Sweeping for you - 2014
I love you doesn't make everything better anymore
It doesn't make it all go away and
It's sad not because
It used to
But
Because it never did
I was only fooling myself into thinking
That sweeping everything under the rug
Made it all disappear
16. Summer Didn't Go So Well Either
I was melting ice
And you were winter
It was perfect
When it all started
But somehow you
Turned too cold and
I broke
17. Why Did You Say Yes, Anyway?
Because I never knew saying yes meant
Sleepless nights worrying about his past
Or that it meant
Laying in fields on warm summer afternoons
My friends are playing
But me,
I'm staring at the shriveled up weeds on the ground
And I'm just
Waiting for them to die
I ask myself if love meant holding on,
Even when he talks about porcelain doves but
Only vultures fly out of his mouth.
Sometimes it's too dark to see where they
Fly off to but I know somehow that
They're scraping the sky
And circling
Me
Yesterday, I saw a couple break up on the corner
Out of the corner of my eye I saw
A tear slip out of the corner of hers
Suddenly the park seemed more like
A cemetery
Caskets open and
All the corpses are staring at
Me
Everywhere I went after that
I asked myself how many hearts were broken here
How many people have broken all ties
How many tears have fallen
Right where I'm standing
Is this the exact same spot where
He last saw her?
Everywhere feels like a cemetery to me now
In the library, while I was checking out my books
I wondered how many couples decided that
Holding onto unresolved arguments was not
Love after all, but just
A milder version of
Torture, while they ripped pages out of the …show more content…
Bible
In a Chinese restaurant, while I was dining alone
Surrounded by families and first dates
I wondered how many people decided that
Not talking to each other for a ridiculous amount of time then
Pretending nothing happened is not love, while the
Pasta was left untouched.
If I know all this?
I wonder
When will I decide that this
Isn't love after all
That this just might be a
Relationship with a sad boy who
Wants nothing more than to feel loved
Even if
It breaks me
In the process
18. Suicide Notes
That's what they call them
They call them suicide notes
Your love poems
Don't tell me you'd die for me
My dear
A rotting corpse has no place
In my embrace
And in your darkest hours no matter
How many times you've written to me
There's not a thing I can do
When your hand turns blue
There's already an infinity of stars above us
Do not compare me to them
I do not want to be up there
Lightyears away
Burning bright but
Burning lonely
Frankly, I'd rather be by your side
I don't find anything romantic about
Comparing people to inanimate objects
Dead objects
Your kiss is not as sweet as a rose
Your kiss isn't sweet at all
But it's
Yours
If you die for me
I imagine myself
Tearing into the earth
Again
And again
To get to you
But what good would you do
Bones and dust
So don't tell me you'd die for me
Tell me
Please
Tell me you'd live for me instead.
19. I Have Failed, Yet Again
I am an experiment
Gone wrong
I'm both the prisoner
And the prison guard
I wear black
And white
And stripes that morph and swirl
Into out-of-focus
Microscopic images
No one knows for sure whether
The scatter pieces of me are
Trying to fit back together or
Just break each other
Finally
I am drowning in my own blood
Again
And when I'm breaking down my eye twitches slightly in
Spastic dances
Of death
I am so beautiful
We are so beautiful
We're an experiment gone wrong, darling.
I'm whispering to you
The clock reads four twenty two in the morning and
I'm breaking the truth to you
Buildings go up in flames because of us
Fields burn and the falling trees crash
So loud it almost covers the sounds of
Our screams
I whisper the truth
Because I need to hear it
I stare into the mirror and break it to myself
No matter how many fires
You start
No matter how much blood you force out
The suicidal lives
And how do we expect to kill it when
We can't even kill ourselves
20. I'm sorry
How naive was I, to think that
The love could cancel out the sadness somehow?
I looked at you one day and
Instead of feeling sad
I felt this
Kind of bliss
I felt the blood left in my veins start to flow
In a different direction.
I thought the smile on my face would last
Forever
I though the sadness had crawled out of me.
But no
The sadness never left
It just waited patiently inside, peeking out ever so often as
The love painted over it
I should've known that love cannot cure sadness.
I should've known that by latching onto the boy with eyes like oceans
I would only pollute them
I'm sorry for turning you into a remedy
I'm sorry that instead of curing me
I just infected you
I'm sorry you've lost
Almost as much blood as I now
I hope you
Never catch up
I'm sorry I thought I
Could ever escape
The continuous aching.
21. Why do you cut?
When people ask why I cut I cannot form my feelings into words
I cannot explain how my razor blade is my needle and blood is my heroin
I cannot explain how addictive cutting is
I cannot explain how wonderful it feels to have that sharp sting followed by a burning warmth spreading throughout your body
It makes me shiver
I feel my heart pound
I cannot explain how all of this feels
I cannot explain why I started
I cannot explain my pain
I cannot explain how it feels to have an anxiety attack it's something you have to live through to understand
I cannot explain what numb feels like
I cannot explain what it feels like to not feel at all
To just want to feel
I cannot explain any of this, so I use terms doctors use
Cold, hard letters
Iron words
No
emotion
So when people ask why I cut
I tell them
The patient self harms due to an alternating combination of hyper stress and dissociation. Which one causes the trigger depends on the situation she's put in. For example, when she believes her boyfriend is going to kill himself soon, she goes through hyper stress and into anxious shock, she cannot calm down and the only way she knows to take control of herself is through a blade. Another example is when she single handedly threw her mother into a manic depressive state due to letting her look through her things and find her blades. This puts the patient into a different state of shock where her body shuts down any feelings. She feels numb and lacks any will to continue living or trying to live. Sometimes she is disconnected enough to question whether her existence even counts as living. So she cuts herself to ensure that she is still real. She can still feel. That's why the patient cuts. I hope that suffices...
22. Red Rainbows
There are storms raging within me.
My mother once told me that Rainbows come after the storm.
Well, the flood has come and gone,
So long that
The vultures have died waiting for
Me to
I don't give in
Not yet
Flowers no longer sprout from the earth.
I lie on the gravel, the
Unforgiving earth I grab handfuls to ward off Starvation.
Landfills in my stomach, dirt on
My knees.
I wish to fall asleep and
Never
Ever
Wake up
The winds have ceased howling, the trees are bent and bare.
But the skies are no longer empty.
Clouds gather in the distance.
Preparing for another rainbow-
-less
Rainfall
So I pluck more blades of grass to slice open myself further.
Reveal the rainbows inside me.
But where we come from,
Where I come from. Rainbows are red. Grass no longer sprout from the earth. There is only earth.
And more earth.
Not even
A simple blade remains.
And with only earth,
What more is there for me, but to bury myself?
23: Good Luck
When we took a
Break
I felt something inside of me
Break
It snapped from all of the tension
That had been building up
Ever since you first said my name
The word crossing your lips
Dripping sweet
Venom
Curling around me
Warmth enveloping me
Suffocating me
The friction caused a
Burn I'd never felt and
The tension eased the pain
But when it
Broke
And we
Broke
Just for a while
You said
Okay
I said
My depression
Laughed
Ha
It said
I knew you'd come crawling
Back to me
I told that thing it was temporary that
I'd be back in his arms
Soon enough
The venom would soothe me
Right?
It laughed again
Ha
I told it
I can make it on my own
If only for a while
Maybe
Good luck
It whispered
I replied
Thank you
I'm probably going to need it
When you broke it off for good a few weeks later I didn't know what to
Think
My depression
It whispered that same phrase to me
Laced with I told you so's
Good luck
I said
Thank you
I've never needed it more
Than now
I couldn't see any hope
It was too foggy for a light
At the end of my tunnel
But as I drew closer
And time wore on
Spinning seconds to hours to days
To weeks
To months
And I don't know if I feel
Better
But
Today, my depression whispered
Good luck
Into my ear
And I said
Thank you
But I'm not going to need it
24: Just Like Me
People tell me I am just like
My mother
I thank them
I do not tell them the truth
Because ignorance is
Bliss
And how I wish someone would've
Let me keep my ignorance
I do not tell them of her voice
How it projects
How it fills the room with
Her presence
How it
Booms with such
Feminine confidence
I do not tell them of my voice
How it
Shrinks
How it disappears
How it is hushed
By the gentlest of breezes
I do not tell them
I cannot
Tell them
I'm not her daughter
Anymore
25. Sketching
They say self harm is a symptom
Of suicidal tendencies
I disagree
I am not suicidal
I have no desire to end my life
So what if I cut myself? It isn't
To die
Although it may be true that
I don't exactly have the
Strongest
Desire to live but
That's okay
Right?
I am not suicidal
Right?
I have no desire to end my life
Right?
So what if I cut myself? It isn't
To die
((please tell me I'm right))
As I think about it more and more
Turning it over and over in my mind
I realize
I do not want to live
I am just too much of a
Coward
To die
I think back
The razor runs across my body like
An artists pencil
He lets it flow so gracefully
26. Anorexic
She doesn’t see the glass as
Half-empty or half-full.
She’s not a self-proclaimed Realist.
She’s anorexic, the doctor says
And she sees everything
As a bit too full. I guess she’s right.
She is filled with so much Emptiness, The universe could sit Inside her belly until it explodes. 27.Tonight death makes her beautiful
Tonight, she brushes her teeth With a razor
Washes her mouth with perfume
Get rid of the stench
Applies the red lipstick unto
Bloody lips
With her left hand,
Her right is busy with the knife.
She
Powders her nose with moonlight.
Tonight, she is not an object.
Tonight, she is real.
Tonight, she isn't hot.
Tonight, she is as cold as a corpse.
Tonight, she isn’t just pretty.
Tonight, she is beautiful.
Tonight, death makes her beautiful.
28. Letter to the Past
I have never been one to write letters That begin with dear
Then again I
Have never been one to write
Letters at all, actually
I have never been one to say hello to
A stranger
Or smile that much
Because I hate my own voice and How my mouth unfurls to show
Fake rows of teeth that
A doctor had to fix to make
Convincing
And even now when I try to smile
My lips curl
So crudely into something more of a grimace.
For me the past isn’t a series of
Events that had trans
Pired, I don’t believe anything ever
Truly ends and
History repeats itself anyway, Doesn’t it?
Just yesterday, for instance,
A stranger smiled at me
From
Across the street and it reminded me
So much of you and your
Convincing lips
That I started to cry
Right there
And when I looked up, he was gone And I felt
A little bit better.
Just a little
What I mean is that the pain won’t ever really go away, would it?
Because for me the past is you and I
And I’ve never really been one to say Goodbye.
29. If bruise were a color
I’d paint my walls with it.
Some days they’d look like flowers
Beautiful flowers
Blooming beneath the willows
And the
Winter skies when the snow’s stopped falling for a little while
To let us breathe.
Take each other in.
I take you in.
It hurts.
Other days, they’d be paint
Spilt on the blood soaked carpet and we’d lie arms outstretched
Side by side
I shuffle a little away from you
Just a little
For comfort.
Now we are staring at the ceiling,
Soaking up our paint spilled bloody Mess.
Then there are days when I stand so Still,
Back pressed closely
So hard against the wall and
I wish I was furniture
So you wouldn’t even see me.
You’d pass by like the breeze and I’d be the music sheets fluttering quietly From the polished stand to
The bloodied floor.
Your violin won’t be able to mask the Sound your fists make when
They collide with my ribs You know.
30. Bear traps and burnt toast
Sometimes there are ocean
Waves
That look like dead men’s fingertips, Beckoning.
That’s probably why he jumped
Off that cliff last Sunday when he Was supposed to be singing
At church and smiling and, well, Alive.
At least that’s what the news says.
And they know
Everything
Right?
Because it couldn’t have been
The children in his third grade class who called him burnt toast, could it? Oh no, it couldn’t have been when Samantha told him he belonged in
The trash or when the school janitor Used to come around and they’d tell Him to mop away the spilt coffee Before it leaves a stain.
He'd chuckle.
You met him in high school and Before the other kids could call him Grizzly, you gathered up the bear Traps and loved him. You swallowed The sea foam before they’d start to Lure him with a single gesture, the Same way death coaxed that man Head first into jagged rocks.
It took you a while to realise he’s
Strong too. You both have gotten Used to the young mothers Whispering into their blue-eyed Daughters’ ears whenever you Passed by hand in hand. You’ve Gotten used to the train journey Stares with his warm hands on your Hips. So when the next old white Couple in the park comes up to you To ask why, just smile and kiss him Long and hard until they go away. They always do.
They go away.
Just like
He did.
31. FOR TEENAGERS WHO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ON ISLANDS
My friend, half of the battle is
Getting yourself to feel worth Something.
Because you are worth
Something.
The other half is getting yourself to Feel
Something.
Anything at all.
There are many ways to be numb.
It is a quenched hunger
That we do not advertise.
In order to find
Something.
We have to scavenge.
Do not worry whether or not you
Can handle the hurt in front of you. Know this was given to you because You
Are the only speck in the universe Who can carry it. let your lover in. show her around your scattered apartment head. do not apologize for the mess, but do acknowledge its presence. tell her to make herself at home. water the windows. open the plants. you forgot how shame could seal the blinds shut. you forgot how quickly our eyes adjust to the dark. but how can you not believe in something bigger every morning, when the sun always comes back to forgive you? it must be powerful; it is so bright. maybe this is a double-sided mirror. maybe the universe puzzles herself with theories about you. remember when you were young how moonglow wrapped around your bedroom like a spell at night. the hearts you collected in a piggy bank, your body like a tiny harp. you handed light out like business cards. you were and are still a source of light. this is what i think of when i feel small. how empowering it is: to know your existence might actually mean something. how freeing it is to know that it might not.
32. Shall we let our shadows put on a show for the moon tonight?
The sound of your heartbeat is the only song I want to write.
33. How to cope
How to keep his wandering eyes Closed
Or
How to drown in your own
Body
Or
((unwanted))((validating))((necessary))
Sex
For the eating disordered
I ask him to turn the lights off before
He touches me
As if this will lock her out
Lock him out
Even
His touch is
Too close
Her bones are
Too close
Her
Ana, Mia, whatever I've decided
To name my mental illness today
To make it easier to cope
As if
Now that I have named her
I've finally taken control
As if
Making her woman
Somehow makes her docile, gentle
Obedient
But she is not so easily trapped
She will slip through the bars
She is skinny like that
I
Am not
I
Am trapped
Not her
I
Will escape when I am skinnier
And the moment I take my
All too big
Shirt off
I peel everything off like
A second skin
Leaving my body splayed open
For him
The man I didn't even invite into
My bed
She
Will make the touch of his hands feel
Like the squeeze of the trigger
I
Always wait for his gun barrel wrists
To recoil in disgust
And when they don't
I'll call it misfire
I'll say
How foolish of the marksman to
Not clearly see this target
When his fingers trail
Below my breasts
She will dig her claws
Into my stomach
I warn him not to get too close
For She
Is a jealous God
She will plant flag in earth
To remind me that
No matter how many times he
Calls me beautiful
I will still crawl back to her
For every meal
So when his wandering fingers
Wandering eyes
Trail
Below my breasts
Tell him to touch anywhere else
To plant palm prints anywhere but
Stomach
For there I am just too close to
Collapsing
And how dare I ask him
To touch something
To love something
So dirty
I have always taken skinny
"Lovers"
((Ha))
The kind of boys sculpted to the
Image of barren stripped winter trees
Bones
Hollow and shapely
Shaking
A frosts breath away from collapse
She will tell me this
Is the closest I will ever get to
Beauty
So I rub his hipbones as if
They were my own
Grip his protruding collar bones
Thrust my envious fingers in
The gap between his thighs
Moan as I dip in between each
And every rib
I learn
Never to take the risk and look down
At my own body there is absolutely
Nothing there
That I
Or anyone
Would want
This is how I learned how to
"Fuck"
She taught me how
Foolish making love is when
No one can ever love my form
She taught me how to dim the lights
She taught me how to arch
My back just so to
Make my ribs stick out
My skin and my ways are nothing
But a cheap magic trick
Look how close to me
How far inside of me he can get
Before he shatters the illusion
Breaking me
Afterwards she'll tell me
Close the curtains
Block out the dawn because
There will be no one left to love me
When the lights come up
34. Repetition is my favorite device
You came to me with a
Mouthful of forevers
That you've given to a
Thousand girls before
Whatever
I still swallowed it like
A miracle
Knowing it was
A curse
35. You're an oxymoron, aren't you?
You're opposites.
You were
All the days I spent fixing myself.
And you were
All the nights I wrecked myself, too.
This is so useless
Trying to get someone to stay but Knowing they are only going to be The best and The worst
Thing in my life.
Whatever.
Ain't no bunk beds in coffins