This was the new morning routine, the women gathering and playing with the babies on the floor. Formal breakfasts in the Banquet Hall or Dining Room no longer happened; Audra, her mother, and the ladies ate picnic-style on the floor. Spending time with and caring for the babies had helped Audra’s confidence grow in terms of caring for her own baby. She had already made it clear to Carlton that her child would not be fostered away from her, and she would be the one to provide daily care unless she was incapacitated. Carlton had stared at her, wide-eyed for a long moment when she’d made this declaration a month earlier, but immediately accepted her demand. And when she told him she wanted construction to begin straight away on a nursery adjoining her room, he did little more than nod his head in acquiescence.
“Oh, my child, you are not a whale,” insisted Ina, taking little Dera from Una’s arms. “You are radiant and beautiful.” …show more content…
Audra rolled her eyes. “I see you’ve been speaking to Carlton. That’s all he says, that I’m beautiful, radiant, and so forth. But I’ve never felt clumsier and more awkward.”
Carlton had been kinder and more supportive than Audra ever expected. But he also grew protective. He called on Catrin himself and convinced her that Audra should no longer ride horses this late in her pregnancy, lest she be thrown. Thus, Audra was no longer permitted to ride Themis. Nor go on long walks without accompaniment. And swimming? Unthinkable.
Audra tickled Elen’s feet. “I thought I’d be bored, little one, but spending time with you and your baby friends is quite fun.”
Elen wriggled and smiled.
Faye leaned back against the wall. “When does construction start on your chamber?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
“Oh, right after Nos Galan Gaeaf!” said Faye. “I cannot wait for tomorrow night. Travana and I have everything arranged so the children can come early and carve turnips again. But this year, we’ll also have games, bobbing for apples, egg tosses, and crafts. It’ll be wonderful.”
“Yes.” Audra focused on smiling at Elen. “It will be.”
But Audra had no intention of attending the Nos Galan Gaeaf festivities. As much as she hated feigning illness, she could not be part of an event she associated so closely with Maxen. A year ago was her first time he told her he loved her (accidentally), and they had danced together and almost kissed. If she attended, she would be a sobbing mess. Instead, she’d make up an innocuous and vague excuse, such as indigestion, to get out of going.
“Morning, ladies!” Catrin popped her head into the room. “May I enter?”
With a sigh, Audra beckoned the young midwife inside. At first, Carlton had been wary of allowing a fifteen-year-old midwife apprentice to tend to Audra, but when Vaughan made a point that Catrin had successfully delivered three healthy babies in a row and the mothers were all doing well, Carlton appointed her as the castle midwife. And then had given her quarters on the top floor, a spacious chamber with a beautiful view. Yet that also mean Audra was subjected to daily examinations from now until she gave birth. Catrin had to realize by now that Audra was several weeks further along than Audra pretended, but the midwife said nothing and asked no questions.
“Can’t we skip the examination today?” asked Audra, as Catrin took a seat on the floor. “I’ll tell the king you did it anyway.”
“I’m afraid not. These are my orders, Your Highness, straight from the king.”
With a scowl, Audra handed over Elen to Faye, took her position on the bed, and drew the hangings. Audra would be happy when the poking and prodding ended.
XXXX
Tearful, melancholy, and anxious, Audra paced her bedchamber as the nighttime Nos Galan Gaeaf festivities raged on. She vacillated between wanting to run outside and rollick with friends and hiding in the garderobe. Her announcement that her indigestion would keep her from the celebration had not gone over well, and Carlton wanted Catrin to remain at Audra’s side all night long. That as the last thing Audra needed, being stared at and cosseted, so she insisted she would do nothing more than lie down and read, then sleep. Grudgingly, Carlton agreed.
Therefore, Audra left only one candle burning as to not draw attention to her bedchamber. If Carlton glanced up and saw her room was illuminated and she was awake, he would never leave her be.
She marched up and down the length of her room, swinging her arms, hoping the exertion would distract her thoughts. Carlton had been nothing short of a perfect husband since he found out about Audra’s pregnancy, doting on her and making sure she had everything she needed. Constantly, he gifted her books, blankets, lambswool socks, special herbal teas, cakes, and scented salves to rub on her itchy belly. Audra had often instructed him to not give her jewelry, but yesterday, he gave her a necklace, a freshwater pearl pendant on a silver necklace, beautiful and simple all at once. He fastened it around her neck and told her it was a small token, thanking her for all she had done, for carrying his baby.
Audra halted her stomping and stared out the window. She opened it a crack, and breathed in the woody Nos Galan Gaeaf bonfire smoke. Revelers’ distant laughter met her ears.
Reaching up to finger the pearl, Audra hoped Carlton was enjoying himself. There were times when Audra nearly forgot that the baby she carried was not her husband’s. Those moments were rare and fleeting, the joy rapidly replaced by guilt. That guilt would never leave, it seemed; it was to be her constant companion.
Since ruminating by the window did not help, Audra decided another letter to Geraint was in order. She sometimes wondered if the two of them were the only guilty creatures in the land. H continued his affair with the married woman after unsuccessfully trying to end it so many times. Audra and Geraint agreed while they wanted to see one another again, if they actually met, they’d probably cling to one another and weep, which would cause great confusion, since no one else was aware of their bond.
Geraint proclaimed he had given up on writing the sequel to The Queen Versus the Dragon, and instead focused on comedic poems and short stories that everyone seemed to adore.
Humor distracts me from my misery, he wrote. It helps me forget all I’ve done wrong. It keeps me from facing the truth, that is all I will ever be, a wretched disappointment.
Despite their collective failings, Audra and Geraint adored one another. She saw only the good in him, he often wrote about how he treasured their friendship.
Audra finished scribbling out the letter to him and sealed it up. Yet for some reason, this time, writing did not soothe her. The desire to pop open her foot trunk, dig to the bottom of it, and unlock her carved wooden jewelry box consumed her. She never allowed herself to look at it again after Maxen’s banishment, but tonight, she needed to touch the treasures that reminded her of
him.
Although the low, amber light glowing from the writing desk candle hardly offered any illumination, Audra slunk to her door and bolted it. To get caught with Maxen’s things in hand would be dreadful. She padded to the foot trunk and tossed it open. Leaning down, she dug to the very bottom and extracted the locked box. Next, she dug out the key from the scented soap cake she kept in her bedside table drawer. Shaking, she opened the box. It was there, the few tangible memories of Maxen that remained – the tiny silver dragon charm he had given her for her birthday, several dried chamomile flowers – which she dared not touch, lest they crumble, and the note. It would break her heart all over again to read it, but at the same time, she needed to see the words, proof that their love had existed. She unfolded the piece of parchment.
My love for you burns brightly now and always.
Reading that simple phrase was like a dagger to the heart and a balm to her soul at once.
She brought the rough parchment to her lips and kissed it. “Where are you?” she whispered, tears flooding her eyes. Audra hoped the answer would come to her magically, but it did not. “I still love you. So much. Do you love me? Have you forgotten what we shared? Please say no.”
A sharp burst of laughter from the festival in the courtyard seeped through her window. Startled, she placed the note back in the box, locked it, and once again, placed it at the very bottom of her foot truck. She slammed the heavy top closed. Reeling with emotion, she touched Lowri’s rose pin, affixed to her dress, as it was every day. Audra missed her dearest friend and greatest love more than words could express.