Rewrite of the Famous Hamlet to Be or Not to Be
To pee, or not to pee– that is the question: 1
Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2
The bursting of my already full bladder,3
Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4
And release the tide. To relax, to release–5
No more– and by releasing say we end6
The Groin ache, and the thousand gallons of urine 7
That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8
Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to release–9
To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10
For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11
What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12
Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13
Who knows who is standing below looking up.14
For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15
Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16
The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17
The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18
The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19
When he himself might take a quiet leak,20
In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21
To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22
But that the dread of having to go the tower,23
The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24
No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25
And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26
Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27
Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28
And thus the primal need to pee,29
has made our sheets damp to the touch,30
With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31
And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32
The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33
Be all my trips to thee
Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2
The bursting of my already full bladder,3
Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4
And release the tide. To relax, to release–5
No more– and by releasing say we end6
The Groin ache, and the thousand gallons of urine 7
That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8
Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to release–9
To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10
For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11
What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12
Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13
Who knows who is standing below looking up.14
For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15
Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16
The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17
The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18
The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19
When he himself might take a quiet leak,20
In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21
To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22
But that the dread of having to go the tower,23
The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24
No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25
And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26
Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27
Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28
And thus the primal need to pee,29
has made our sheets damp to the touch,30
With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31
And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32
The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33
Be all my trips to thee