Richard Zoidberg Simulations

“Careful, #517908. Remember, you don’t want them to find out they’re living in a simulation,” said Zoidberg, from the comfort of the engineering headquarters somewhere in a distant universe. “If they do, we might have to pull the plug.” However, this was merely a distant concern for both. Tired of how slow the human species were progressing compared to his other simulations, Zoidberg came up with an idea: give them a stat boost in the form of a software update. HumanOS 2.0, he (rather unoriginally) called it. Although he was somewhat satisfied with how the progress of Homo sapiens had sped up over the last 375 centiturtles (100 “years” for those stupid creatures), most of his other species had either been wiped out or colonized entire universes
He was just your average guy - average intelligence, average strength, average size, simply painfully average. However, he was the only man in the world who happened to be drinking grape soda at 4 AM on the morning of the update, so it bypassed him. However, he soon noticed that everyone else wasn’t so lucky. Since the fatal error made the update generally do the opposite of what it was supposed to do, reduced violence and racism led to massively increased violence and racism after it hit. Intelligence also took a huge hit, between 50-90% depending on the person. By morning, even countries like the US, UK and Germany were consumed with nationwide violence unlike any riot ever seen before. The denser the population, the worse off - almost half of New York City and London lay in ruin. Thankfully, the major violence was over within a few days. As Zoidberg watched from way out in space, he thought that maybe if #517908 wasn’t such a careless person, this wouldn’t have happened at all. Faced with the reality of the situation, Herbert at first just decides to go to
“Make a HumanOS v3.0 that reverses all of v2.0’s damage, plus adds its planned improvements, and we’ll give you $2 million USD. That’s all you’ll have to do,” said Zoidberg. For Herbert, this was definitely a great deal. Being an average guy, $2 million is almost what he’d make in 50 years. However, since he would have to start from scratch, programming the new update would take a minimum of 7 months.

Meanwhile, in the USA, election season was starting. The two candidates ended up being Mountain Dew and Kanye West. Despite Kanye amassing a cult following with the Church of Yeezy, Mountain Dew still won the election 58% to 42%. Once he entered office, Mountain Dew signed an executive order banning every drink except Mountain Dew, and mandating all plants be watered with it. “Mountain Dew: It’s what plants crave!” was now the national anthem, national motto, and printed on all dollar bills.

Under the Dew administration, unemployment rose to 49% and the country’s wealth dropped by almost 80%, but the population was too brainwashed to care. Looking at what was going on, Herbert was both glad to be away from Earth and worried about how long the solution would take. He decided to rush the project, and was able to get it done in five